Guy is giving me brutally mixed signals. Should I distance myself? How?

[libertycatcher]

I’m too embarassed to turn to my friends and tell them how much this affects me, so venting to a bunch of anonymous strangers seems like my only (most pitiful) option. Sorry if this is long.

 

I met this guy two months ago and although we’ve never gone on an actual date, this has been quite the journey (for me at least). We don’t live that far apart from each other, but our colleges are about a 30 minute drive away, so most of my social life revolves around my city, while his life revolves around his. Nevertheless, the cities are not that far apart and we both go out a lot so we often frequent the same parties, which is mostly where we’ve been seeing each other. We met at a trip (week long festival, sort of like spring break) and things were pretty laid-back at first. Obviously we got along and were attracted to each other, but our time together mostly consisted of hanging out with his/my friends, kissing at the club, dancing and just chilling. After that has happened a few nights in a row, things started escalating and we started spending a lot of time alone, kisses turned into cuddles, we’d start leaving parties early just to spend time with each other, etc. I don’t get attached easily and I wasn’t into anything serious, so I thought it was all good fun and was hoping we’d hook up. Still, even though things got heated a few times, nothing sexual ever happened to make things weirder. We’d just be sober, leave the party early, lay on the bed, cuddle and talk for 3 hours straight and spend like half an hour saying goodbye to each other everytime it was time to leave.

 

Things slowed down after we returned back home, but like I said, we frequent the same parties/clubs so he and his friends came to my city a couple of times and I went there. It’s the same thing everytime, we spend the entire night glued to eachother, just kissing and hugging and slow dancing and then kiss goodbye. My friends are pretty familiar with him by now and absolutely adore him and his friends all know who I am and seem genuinely happy everytime they see me (even the ones I don’t remember ever talking to).

 

Anyway, I see him way less now so we keep contact over texts (Snapchat mostly). We have a streak of over 50 and both have each other under best friends. We talk everyday and are generally pretty up to date with our lives. He often replies to mass Snaps that I send to everyone on my best friends list or initiates conversation with something related to what’ve talked about or something. I too reply to his Snaps and try to initiate conversation just as much. He is extremely sweet to me (he is overall a really nice person), always comforts me when I’m down, is supportive, gives me occasional compliments and pep talks and has never ever left me on read (even though I do, but only when there’s little to reply to and it feels fitting). While I was still very casual about the whole thing a few weeks back, I did start feeling a certain connection to him and honestly wouldn’t mind if he wanted to get a bit more serious. I started feeling him around a bit and often jokingly hinted that he should ask me out (no idea if he got the hint). We would often make half-serious plan and he’d even offer to come pick me up all the time without me saying anything and he’d say I/he should come over, drive here and hold my hand, etc. and I’m always up for it, but he never makes the final step so nothing serious ever comes out of it. He just got his driver’s license almost two weeks ago and bought a new car and before that, he would often say "Alright, let me just get my driver’s license and I’ll come." and things like that, so I thought we’re moving somewhere, but no. He drives around to random places all the time now, but he still has made no effort to come see me (I don’t have a car and am only completing my license now, but there are really good bus connections to where he lives and I would have totally visited him if he just asked).

 

I’ve been so frustrated and stuck on asking myself about what is it that he even wants from me. If he doesn’t want anything to do with me why does he keep initiating conversations, why is he so caring and sweet and flirtatious towards me if he doesn’t want anything serious, clearly he doesn’t want sex because he never tries anything and could have gotten it by now, really just why is he still around? I’m bad at hints as well and even though I think we’re in the same league, I started wondering if maybe he’s not too sure if I’m into him, doesn’t think I’m into anything serious or is just intimidated by me? I do leave him on read once in a while, am always the one who leaves first and have said "we are just friends" in front of him numerous times whenever someone asked about us and since we only see each other at parties, there are other guys around me trying to get my attention every once in a while. We were at a party last month and my friends, who are very reasonable and wouldn’t lie to me about someone liking me, said he seems totally into me and looks afraid of messing things up. They even said they have abandonment issues for him because apparently, I didn’t look that interested at all. He did seem a bit shy, but I had no clue and that opened my eyes a lot, so I changed my entire attitude towards him and have been a lot less reserved with flirting lately. On the opposite site, I doubt I look needy because we initiate conversations just the same, I always take some time before I reply and it’s usually me ending the conversation so it’s not like I’m buzzing his phone 24/7.

 

I’ve been in denial about my feelings for him for quite some time now. I messed up somewhere along the way and I really really care about him.

 

I figured this wasn’t going anywhere, so I’ve been trying to unsuccessfully distance myself from him (yet I still talked to him everyday) for the past two weeks, but I unexpectedly ran into him at a party 2 days ago. We randomly realized we were at the same place when I Snapchated him and he immediately started asking where I was. I went to say hi, but wanted to hold the distance so I just hugged him and chit chatted for a bit. I was drunk and he was sober so I’m not sure if he was shy or disinterested, but were just hugging for a few minutes, but I had to go and he didn’t tell me to stay when I said I need to get back inside, which upset me because I really wanted him to want to be around me. I went back to my friends (some girls I don’t hang out with much so they didn’t know him and didn’t know what was happening between us) and they told me he was staring at me the whole night. It was too much and I literally fell to pieces in front of the whole club and was crying in front of everyone for like 45 minutes straight. He saw me crying, but didn’t come over (my friends were comforting me), but he knows I’m a crybaby and knows I cry about everything so he 100% didn’t know I was crying over him. I was just about done with him forever but he texted me an hour later asking me if I was still there. I told him that we were leaving and he seemed really bummed about that, so of course I couldn’t say no to him and we said goodbye at the gate and he asked me why I cried, but I told him it was nothing. We gave each other a quick peck on the lips and then I left. That whole event really hit me because it caused me to reflect on the entire 2 months I’ve known him and realized how much I actually rely on him and how much I actually care.

 

We are both pretty chill about the whole situation and never talk abour "us" or our feelings. He told me he liked me once and said "I was the only important thing there" when talking about my city once, but that was basically the highlight. Yesterday I just had enough of it and wanted to get to the bottom of things. I wanted to relieve any doubts about my feelings in case he was really oblivious about my interest, so I told him I liked him and even told him I really care about him. He seemed pretty moved and said he liked me as well and that he cares about me too and I continued by saying how sad that makes me and told him how upset I am everytime I have to say goodbye to him. He basically told me to not be sad, was respectful but laughed and said it’s not the last time we saw each other anyway. He seemed rather chill so I didn’t want to push the feelings thing anymore, but we talked for the rest of the day and I was very straightforward with hints. I was really obvious about wanting to go out with him so either he’s really oblivious or is acting dumb. I really had to man up yesterday to even tell him those things and I won’t be drilling into him anymore because it’s just tiring at that point.

 

I know something has to change, because this is not me at all. I had an exam and failed because I was bawling my eyes out the entire day and couldn’t focus on studying. I am so tired of guessing. If he wanted to be with me he would make the effort to see me I guess. Should I just move on already? I know I can’t do that if I keep talking to him everyday, but I have no clue how to end the whole thing. I know he will keep initiating conversations, but even seeing his name on the screen hurts my entire body. I have thought about ghosting him completely, but he will definitely wonder about what’s up and reach out. But I also can’t imagine half-talking to him and leaving him on read until he stops talking to me because I have no self-control for that and I’ll just feel even worse for treating him like that.

[d0nnivain]

I hate to say it but it sounds like college. There is lots of interest when you are both in the same place but no effort to schedule anything & the whole thing is undefined. Sounds like every "relationship" I had for 4 years.

 

Stop thinking it means anything. If you want more clarity or definition you will have to initiate it. I suspect the response will be something about him not being ready for a relationship.

 

Get your head back in the game. You can't be failing exams over some guy.

[stillafool]

I agree. I just think he has too many distractions, especially with a new car and he may be seeing others too. I remember being your age and getting into kissing sessions with certain guys when we'd see each other but neither of us wanting to take it further. This guy sounds like a nice guy and probably has several girls with crushes on him. He's just enjoying college life.