Online based LDR... Voices of experience needed >.<

[DreamDragon]

Ok, I just registered.

I feel as if i need to get my current thoughts out of my head and in writing, it helps... Slightly.

 

Anyway, first things first.

I'm in an online based LDR with a guy from America, I live in Australia. We didn't meet on any dating website or the like, it was on the forums of an artist/illustrator students forums. It was just by fate that we "ran into each other" and just clicked, we got on so well, and soon we were firm friends. Talking on msn whenever we had a chance and interacting on the boards also. As time rolled by i felt that we both became closer and closer friends, and i kept being surprised by how similar we seemed to think and having many similar interests and almost an identical taste in music. It'd been 1 1/2 years before i started to know within myself that I had fallen for him, I didn't say anything because i was kind of afraid to be regected. And it was another 1/2 a year before i found out that he too had fallen for me, from him writing me a 'note'(via the net, of course)...And in turn I told him exactly how i felt about him(same way).From then on we've been 'together'.

Now, its been almost 9 months since then, there's been a recent bumpy ride, just the other week.

Hm, I guess its mainly the fact that i feel as if he's not really putting in as much as he used to, like... In the beginning we shared everything, what we often daydreamed of(each other), dreamed of, etc. I guess we were equally surprised that we could've found someone, having a 'disbelief' period and all. But as time rolled by, and i knew we both knew that we would never stop loving each other and became more 'secure' about our relationship.

To put my situation in perspective alittle more... We're already planning on when and where we are going to meet, the end of next year after i have completed High School. Now, to get there he needed money, therefore he has recently aquired a job. But, with this job our time together that used to allow us countless hours talking with each other has dramatically cut it. We both have school, he's just starting year 12 and i'm just coming up to my final year 11 Preliminary Exams(they start in two days). I'm not too sure, but it seems to me that we're drifting apart and changing in person as a result, as any teenagers do i guess. I keep finding that, and feeling as if i'm putting alot into it, trying to keep a convo going or just starting one- I understand that the day we used to spend at times 12 hours talking we only get 3-5 and he's usually tired from having been at school and then work straight after... It hurts...

Things between him and I are seemingly changing, Maybe he's in that "comfort zone" i saw mentioned in a thread, where they get to and think they don't need to impress or show just how much he feels BESIDES just saying it, sending msn winks, or writing a poem on my birthday. He has and does lift me up when i fall as a result of the hurt our relationship is putting me through, he copes with my moods alot and talks me through things etc... I guess that kinda weighs it out, yeh? ... But it'd be so sweet if he did something different, something spontanious showing his love to me in a different way. I've already sent him a little trinket, i kitted a heart-shape and sent it to him via snail-mail.

 

But, i'll cut this short because you're all probably bored stiff by reading my 'story'. I know most of the hurt is self-inflicted, seeing i look into things too much and i'm prone to being sensative to the smallest things.

 

Ok, I know I love him and he loves me, truely. And always will. I know he wants it to work just as much as i do, I know he wants to be with me physically just like I want with him, and wants to meet me as much as i want to meet up with him.

 

But right now, i feel as if... I should tell him we should stop, take it back, and allow each other more space and freedom BUT still agree to meet up when we have planned and see what happens from there. I've been through these thoughts when I was going through a bumpy bit...

I'm 17 and so is he. This online-based LDR is killing me, because there are times i need him so much, when i need to just be held when i'm at my worst... but all i can do is imagine him there, beside me, and imagining him holding me, but that only makes it worse. He's always with me, I hallucinate his presence. But it's over a year before we will be able to touch! *sighs sadly*

 

I don't want to let go, I don't know what will happen if we take it back a step. I know they can work- i've read many stories of them. It's just so hard! My school is taking over alot of time now, i know i need a job to help provide money for the trip we're planning, but i'm afraid that will take even more time away from him. I wanna hang out with my friends more, but this LDR comes first, Everyone around me notices when somethings wrong, my family doesn't know about it, nor so most of my friends, only a couple. but then again, they arn't much help... I've been so tempted lately to tell more, for help and guidence... But I know they won't see it as good, because they don't understand it...

 

The voices of those experienced in these things are what i need right now, I feel emptier without the need of love to be shown in certian ways, in different ways... I love him so much it's killing me to be so far apart! He's my everything ...But I feel our giddiness and the actual feeling of completeness depleting...

 

 

~Dreamie

[dgiirl]

DD, I've had an online LDR. We met in person first, but then used the phone/internet to keep in contact over 2 years with the occassional meeting up with each other. I'm reading your story, and I'm thinking to myself "Holy crow, that's me 11 years ago". I met my partner when I was 20, and things were perfect. He was there when I needed him, our online personalities clicked, I got strength from talking to this person. After two years, I decided to move in with him. I relocated to a strange city, moved away from all my friends and family to be with this guy. I love him with all my heart. People thought I was crazy, but I knew I loved him. But the relocation was difficult. Without realizing it, I slipped into depression and my anxiety got worse. I wasnt prepared from having no job, living with my parents, to moving to a new city, having to find full time work, clean a house, and live away from my parents. I wasnt prepared from having a part-time boyfriend, to a full live in boyfriend. I was 20, and I wasnt prepared. There started to be this wall between us, and both of us ignored it. After 3 years, we got married and started to build a life together. However, that wall was constantly there and never went away. Now, 5 years of marriage later, my husband has left me. Our relationship problems have very similar traits as "normal" relationships, except for that one wall from the beginning. And I feel that wall was there because we didnt have a "normal" relationship. Had we courted, or lived in the same city, there wouldnt have been so many sacrifices that I had to make for this relationship to work. My husband wouldnt have felt pressure or guilt to make things work because I made such sacrifices. And I wouldnt be questioning right now if he had ever loved me, or if I made everything up in my head. LDR are a little confusing. In the early stages, where you are now, our mind can fill in a lot of the gaps. You get to fantasize about the future with this guy without him being physically there. You are already saying you love him and you've never even met him. You're spending all your free time to talk to this person and isolating yourself from your friends and family. As someone who's been there, done that. Be careful. Take it one step at a time and dont get caught up in the fantasies. Communication is extremely important, and I thought my stbxh and I had great communication because of how our relationship started. We didnt. He kept a lot of things from me. I couldnt see clearly what was going on because I had the guy I imagined interfering with reality. I dont want to tell you it wont work, because how do i know?! It might! But I just want to tell you the mistakes that I made so that you can hopefully not repeat them.

 

Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to

[DreamDragon]

I think I kinda feel that wall now, it does seem to me he's keeping things from me- But then again, i look into things too much for my own good.

I'm planning on asking him what happened to the openness that we had shared when it all started, tell him that I need to feel as if i'm a part of his life. Not just a side burden that he has to carry. I know the only real way for anything to completely form is to be together, physically and build it by that. LD + Online(and the distance, my gosh... across the largest ocean+more!), it doesn't really create anything firm. I don't think i'm prepared, even in the future, to sacrifice everything I have here in Australia to move to America, I know it may sound like i'm not that "into him" by saying that... But, sometimes I wonder, what has he sacrificed for me? ...Other then less time talking to me, how is it affecting him? what is he feeling now? ...He doesn't openly tell me of what he's experiencing, I generally have to dig out any thoughful or 'good' responses from him, unless its about cars... He's really into them. And that likeness of them does get alittle too overboard sometimes >.>

 

I've been pondering on it... And i'm seriously thinking that I should ask him things i'm wondering and whats on my mind, and depending on how his day has been... Ask him if he thinks that taking it back, and just having a casual LDR would be better. I'm not interested in any other guys here or anything, but I feel it would be easier on me to just think of him as a good friend and not be expecting certain things that I don't get most of the time. And then tell him we'll see how things go when we meet in person next year... But even then, We'd have to part ways again... It is confusing beyond belief.

 

Thank you a ton for your voice dgiirl! ...I'm trying not to ruin it, I've held on this long because i believe i truely love him, I do, I know it in my heart. But it is awfully hard to juggle time and ponder which is more important. Immediate Education or Him?

 

...So many decisions and i haven't even hit 18! damnit! ...heh.

[dgiirl]

If your debate is between education or him, let me answer that. Education! Hun, if you are meant to be together, you both can wait and it will happen. But dont ever put yourself into a position where you are dependant on a man. What happens if you choose him and never return to school? What happens if later you guys break up? Always always take care of yourself first! If he's worth it, he'll wait.

 

I think it might be wise to not get into anything too serious with him at the moment. It might hurt, but you are so young, you guys havent even met, you shouldnt be making any serious commitments until you've experienced life a little and after you guys meet, then you can make that commitment.

[DreamDragon]

I have many memories already of my time talking with him, i know its only over msn but, i've barely forgotten anything he's told me/said and things we've been through.

Thanks for your input, however

 

 

And, well. I wrote him a whole page of how I felt about how things were going(after I asked him first), was basically the answer I was expecting. My feelings on how things were going was one sided, but that normal because we're both different genders! dunno what i was thinkin'

Anyway, I told him I just want to 'see' him AS a Best Friend, which for some reason has made me more loose and free in my immediate life. We don't resist the things we want to do though, such as saying in words what we'd do if we were 'together', like hugs, kisses, holding, cuddling. (nothing more >.>). But yeh, ever since I told him that, and he was absolutely cool with it, i've stepped out of wedge that i was in and now i've noticed that my "on the edge"ness affected him because, well, i dunno... Things have gone to such a high point ^.^ I have time to spend around my friends without worrying TOO much(I still worry about his well-being, i love him! what's to expect ) and I have my best friend, the one i love who i can talk to too

 

I don't have anyone else here that's made me look twice, i'm only interested in him. But yeh. Its all good for now ^.^ Thanks, both of ya, for your words and voices of opinion!

And yep, education is coming first, but closely followed with time with friends and my loved one

*sighs contently* And yes, i'm waiting to meet him first(next year), before i get any further into this LDR, but seriously, he's the best of the best... to me. But i will take it step by step in relation to 'seriousness'. Gotta wait and see if the 'chemistry' we have over msn is held in the same or higher face to face. I sure hope it is... But, preparing for the worst while hoping for the best is the way to go XD

 

Thanks again!

[sigmaman02]

You are in high school!!! Live your life and forget about him. At this stage in life you will proably have many boyfriends or guys you think you are in love with. The key is think you are in love with. How do you two plan to be together? Are you moving? Is he moving? Do you have a real job? It is unrealistic to think that an online relationship between two high school kids is going to turn out to be anything but bad, if it turns out at all. Just my .02 as, someone who tried it and now looks back in disblief for trying.

[DreamDragon]

>.>

 

Those questions are for AFTER we meet in person, next year. And, like i said, I'm 'seeing' him as a best friend up until we meet, THEREFORE I am open to having any other relationship that may cross my path... I'm not blind, I'm not some stupid high school girl. I know all the negatives of internet starting relationships and I know the positives, it is what I want! And no amount of heisterics by someone who experienced the worst negatives of them will change my mind... I know you're adding your two cents via YOUR experiences, and i slightly appreciate it, you're concerned? But, seriously you could've used a less heisteric method, i reckon.

 

And no, i'm not foolish when it comes to saying i'm in love with someone, i don't go around saying "oh, i soooo luv him!" just because he's cute or good looking.

 

This is what I have chosen, it may seem unorthodox, but it is my life... And i'm not about to throw away ALL he has done for me(directly and indirectly) just because of anothers experience.

 

So yes... I am SERIOUS!