All Encompassing WPN Thread of Jealousy

[Wookin Pa Nub]

You remind me of my father, who wants a partner in his life and wants her undivided attention... 24/7. All his eggs are in one basket and that didn't go well for him when my mother passed away.

 

 

 

I am exactly like that - want her undivided attention and put me first as I would put her first. I get jealous when she engages in (innocent)conversations with other men in public. Part of that stems from many relationships during my youth (teens-20s) which the girl dumped me. Part of it stems from my ex W who put social activities ahead of me.

 

 

I almost get a high from her choosing me over something else. When something comes up in her life that conflicts with what I want her to do, I will see that as a challenge to change her mind. It doesn't happen very often at all as she is not a social person (aside from being chatty with people in public). She spends her time with her kids, her job and me.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

In some sense, you are very compatible. It’s hard to imagine many women would stay with such a stage 5 clinger. But your hot gf seems to crave that kind of attention.

 

 

 

I think we are very compatible. She says she needs to love and feel loved. We formed a deep connection just as she was ending her marriage.

 

 

She would rather be with me all the time, just lounging or going on a date night. It has crossed my mind that she went from marriage right into serious relationship bc she joked she was going to be a cougar for a number of years and have fun dating.

[BaileyB]

I almost get a high from her choosing me over something else. When something comes up in her life that conflicts with what I want her to do, I will see that as a challenge to change her mind.

 

You know that's not a normal or healthy thing to do, right? Individuals in a relationship can be committed to the relationship, and have their own lives outside the relationship. This is actually a good thing - such that it takes stress of the relationship and fosters resiliency in the event that the relationship ends.

[RecentChange]

I almost get a high from her choosing me over something else. When something comes up in her life that conflicts with what I want her to do, I will see that as a challenge to change her mind. It doesn't happen very often at all as she is not a social person (aside from being chatty with people in public). She spends her time with her kids, her job and me.

 

Oh my gosh, if my husband did this - challenged me any time I had a schedule conflict with him - I would go nuts!!

 

I would feel INSULTED that he didn't respect my time or interests. If he challenged me anytime I wanted to do my own thing? Holy moly, well, I wouldn't stick around long for that.

 

Doesn't sound fun at all - does she enjoy this? Your insecurity? Your challenges? I hate that kind of stuff, but maybe she enjoys it?

 

A long term relationship should not be a perpetual pick me dance - you get high every time she picks you? Well what happens when she doesn't?

 

A long term relationship should have elements of comfort and trust. That doesn't sound like comfort and trust.

 

I don't know, my husband likes to give out a piece of relationship advice "Do not be each others hobby". He credits having our own hobbies etc - our time apart which makes the time together better - as something that has helped withstand the test of time.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

You know that's not a normal or healthy thing to do, right? Individuals in a relationship can be committed to the relationship, and have their own lives outside the relationship. This is actually a good thing - such that it takes stress of the relationship and fosters resiliency in the event that the relationship ends.

 

 

 

We do have lives outside of the relationship. Maybe it helps we live in different cities but she loves to teach yoga and workout, she does a lot of stuff with her two kids, she likes to take care of her home. But usually every evening, including weekends that we are not together, we text each other all night. She has maybe gone out with friends at night 3 times in 2 years. She will get together with them for lunch or coffee.

 

 

One time she said she got invited to go to this bar and listen to this band. I said have fun and she said something like "are you sure, I am not sure I would want you going to a bar without me".

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Oh my gosh, if my husband did this - challenged me any time I had a schedule conflict with him - I would go nuts!!

 

 

I don't directly "challenge" her. I guess I am more passive aggressive. For example - we talked about making sure we spend b-days, holidays, etc together after being apart for so many years. Last new years eve we got invited out to dinner by her group of friends. My parenting schedule was up in the air at the time. She committed to the dinner then I found out my kids were with me that day/night. I had a feeling my kids would want to be with their friends on NYE and I asked her to come to my city for the night. She said she would love to but she already made plans with friends.

 

 

I guess I acted perturbed on texts after she rejected me. I was in town visiting a couple days later and she said I seemed upset that she wasn't coming to my city for NYE. My response was "I didn't realize you wanted to go out with others on NYE". She then said she will cancel and be with me. A few days later she said we need to be together every NYE bc that was a hard day in both our marriages bc of our alcoholic exes.

[Blanco]

Passive aggressiveness isn't exactly a huge improvement from direct conflict. In fact, as someone who has been with passive aggressive people and who has some close family members who are like that, I'd say that it can be worse over the long term. Passive aggressiveness isn't really easy to miss unless you're kind of a dolt, so that dynamic just chips away at the recipient after a while until they just can't take it anymore.

 

Being a follower of many of your threads, I've yet to really read much that makes you two compatible other than perhaps you both share some unhealthy relationship values.

[PRW]

But usually every evening, including weekends that we are not together, we text each other all night.

 

I don't particularly like that. This is too much opportunity for things to be taken the wrong way due to the natural weaknesses of texting.

 

One time she said she got invited to go to this bar and listen to this band. I said have fun and she said something like "are you sure, I am not sure I would want you going to a bar without me".

You should have reassured her that it would be alright to go. Then let her make a decision either way. If she goes, fine. If she doesn't go, fine.

 

[PRW]

I don't directly "challenge" her. I guess I am more passive aggressive. ............... I had a feeling my kids would want to be with their friends on NYE and I asked her to come to my city for the night. She said she would love to but she already made plans with friends.

 

Passive aggressive is not "less bad". It is still a challenge, and to some women it is even more unattractive then directly challenging.

 

I guess I acted perturbed on texts after she rejected me.

She didn't reject you. She was honorable and was going to keep her prior commitment with friends.

 

I was in town visiting a couple days later and she said I seemed upset that she wasn't coming to my city for NYE. My response was "I didn't realize you wanted to go out with others on NYE". She then said she will cancel and be with me.

She should have stood her ground and not been an enabler to your bad behavor.

 

A few days later she said we need to be together every NYE bc that was a hard day in both our marriages bc of our alcoholic exes.

??? Sounds like enabling and using the past as an excuse. Women tend to try to be peacemakers, but it can get them in trouble too.

[RecentChange]

I don't directly "challenge" her. I guess I am more passive aggressive.

 

Even worse.

[BaileyB]

Even worse.

 

Totally agree.

 

OP, you continue to test this woman again and again, because it eases your anxiety and boosts your ego when she “chooses you.” But, it’s not her job to provide constant reassurance. As we have seen, it will literally never be enough...

 

This kind of behavior will become exhausting to her. Ultimately, it will do the best thing you don’t want to happen... it will destroy your relationship.

[BaileyB]

Being a follower of many of your threads, I've yet to really read much that makes you two compatible other than perhaps you both share some unhealthy relationship values.

 

And, at least on his part, a strong physical attraction and healthy interest in sex.

[usa1ah]

She has met these ladies thru her yoga teaching over the years. Maybe people in yoga are more out there with their sexual limitations. Of her closer friends:

 

<SNIP>

 

But your “girlfriend” wants to hang and party with the swingers/cheaters.

 

She is steering you to be ok with her ****ing others. Everything she has done in the past is pushing you in that direction. It’s never that she wants to go but her “friends” are upset that she isn’t doing things with them.

 

Heads up. Either you already know she is or you will find out that she is and has been cheating on you this entire time.

 

You hang out with those you share the same interests, views and morals with. If you are open to open relationships then you spend your time with like minded people.

 

If you are not into sharing your SO then you will spend your time with like minded people.

 

Who your gf has always chosen to spend her time with speaks volumes.

 

She is cheating on you no matter how often you claim otherwise.

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wookin Pa Nub]

But your “girlfriend” wants to hang and party with the swingers/cheaters.

 

 

My gf is a homebody and she really doesn't spend a lot of time with her friends. I have not met most of them. She usually will just meet them for lunch and she works with one lady.

 

 

My gf decided she didn't want to go on the Cancun trip with this group. She said she didn't want to go without me and she apologized for even bringing it up.

[stillafool]

 

 

To your second item, that really did bother me. She should not have been so friendly that a guy would ask her on a trip with me 20 feet away and part of me thinks she should have told him off then got me to confront this old man.

 

What did she say when you told her this?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

What did she say when you told her this?

 

 

 

She didn't tell me until some time after the incident and I didn't think to say those words until after our discussion. I told her I was upset she was ignoring my attempts to direct her attention back to me. I told her guys take any form of friendliness as flirting. She has admitted several times she is flirty but doesn't put herself in bad positions. She said as soon as he invited her on trip she distanced herself from him.

 

 

I wonder how many interactions with guys (more than typical friendliness) she doesn't tell me about. I think most will be at her yoga job. She teaches at a big fitness chain and there's lots of alpha trainer types there and I wonder if she thinks I will encourage her not to teach at these places if she tells me guys flirt with her or whatever. Last year she was a substitute teach at her kids school. She didn't go back for this school year. She just told me the assistant principal was flirtatious with her.

[RecentChange]

She’s a flirt, she is good looking- she is going to be flirting with men where ever she goes, even if you are with her.

 

And you can’t change her. You can’t lock her up in a box, so what are you going to do?

[BaileyB]

My gf decided she didn't want to go on the Cancun trip with this group. She said she didn't want to go without me and she apologized for even bringing it up.

 

Well then, all is right with the world again...

 

I see a pattern here - she clearly enjoys flaunting the attention she receives from other men in front of you... while you clearly enjoy the ego-boost and reassurance you get when she "chooses you." Clearly, you are both getting your needs met such that it continues, time and again...

[Amethyst68]

I feel like you're almost working on eroding and eliminating your GF's friendships and other relationships so she has no other focus than you.

 

Do you like her socialising alone with anyone? Do you trust her to socialise her on own?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I feel like you're almost working on eroding and eliminating your GF's friendships and other relationships so she has no other focus than you.

 

Do you like her socialising alone with anyone? Do you trust her to socialise her on own?

 

 

 

She normally socializes with her friends over lunch. She is not a party or bar girl. She went out with friends to a bar early on in our dating and made sure I was ok with it.

 

 

All that said...I get anxious (I am on anxiety meds) when I know she is out or has opportunities to go out. It's not that I don't trust her it's more that I just don't want guys to flirt with her. The thought of that makes me mad. I am a control freak on some level. One of her yoga places asked her to do a yoga and wine night on a Friday night. She couldn't make it this month but said she could the next month. I will probably get anxious then.

[basil67]

WPN, do you recognise that you have zero control over whether other men flirt with her?

 

It's good that you have taken the step of using anxiety meds, but have you done any work on addressing worrying about things which you have no control over and your controlling behaviour? Do you recognise that these are both destructive behaviours?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

WPN, do you recognise that you have zero control over whether other men flirt with her?

 

It's good that you have taken the step of using anxiety meds, but have you done any work on addressing worrying about things which you have no control over and your controlling behaviour? Do you recognise that these are both destructive behaviours?

 

 

 

I know I have no control over it but the thought of men flirting with her makes me nuts. I guess it's the control freak in me mixed with anxiety.

 

 

Usually around her I do not show the jealously and controlling side directly. She said I am a jealous person but she admits she is too. Only one time I think she really called me out on it. I was out of town with my son. She had a photo shoot at one of her yoga places. Her friend (a girl) took the photos and they went next door for margarita afterwards. Her friend was going thru some marital issues. I texted a few times and didn't get a response. After a while she gave me short response. I know she was just with a girl friend and it was only like 8-9 in the evening but my anxiety was kicking in. I texted a couple more times. It was nothing bad but later she said I was acting "weird". I said "weird" and she said maybe that is not the right word.

[usa1ah]

It makes you nuts because you know what she is capable of.

 

She proved what she could do back in college.

[basil67]

It makes you nuts because you know what she is capable of.

 

She proved what she could do back in college.

 

But that's also part of the attraction for him.

[basil67]

I know I have no control over it but the thought of men flirting with her makes me nuts. I guess it's the control freak in me mixed with anxiety.

 

Do you recognise this is an unhealthy way to be?