Should I tell my husband I cheated?

[Alwaysonmymind]

My husband and I are early 30’s with no kids. We’ve been together since we were 18. We’re happy & very much in love, but life often gets in the way. He has a very demanding job & often this interferes with ‘us’ as a couple. I recently travelled overseas for a family wedding - due to work commitments my husband couldn’t come. The best man who I’ve know for many years was also travelling without his girlfriend. We were sharing the same holiday house & as we were the only couples there without our partners we seemed to spend a lot of time together. I picked up on his discreet flirting during the holiday and I enjoyed the attention but didn’t really act on it. The night of the wedding we were the last 2 standing at the ‘after party’ in our holiday home. He invited me to continue drinking in his bedroom so not to wake the other house guests - I was very drunk and so I went with him. Eventually we ended up kissing - completely instigated by him! For around 2 hours we passionately kissed and played. He made me feel good about myself and my ability to turn him on - something I’ve not had from my husband in a long time. Sex has become routine & sometimes boring. I didn’t let him play with me and nor did we sleep together as my conscious got the better of me but I enjoyed being intimate with him & the way he made me feel so special & I did have the sexual urge to take things further. I returned to my own room & he was fine with that. He’s the only person in 15 years I’ve been intimate with other than my husband & as guilty as I feel for what I’ve done I did enjoy it, a lot! The following day we all travelled home - the guy & I to different cities. It was awkward & we didn’t really speak: mainly due to my guilt. I feel so guilty I wonder should I tell my husband? Or should I perhaps be more concerned at how much I enjoyed what happened & questioning my marriage? I can’t stop thinking about it & the way he made me feel. My husband doesn’t make me feel that way any more. Please help or share similar experiences.

[darkmoon]

unless you want your husband's retaliation, or even hate, I would say nothing

 

not sure how to liven up sex, but there are umpteen sex books to inspire you

[Alwaysonmymind]

unless you want your husband's retaliation, or even hate, I would say nothing

 

not sure how to liven up sex, but there are umpteen sex books to inspire you

 

Thanks. I just feel so confused because this is all so alien to me! I don’t know whether this is through the guy giving me some confidence back or whether it’s through guilt but my husband & I had the best sex in a long time when I returned from the trip. In some ways I’m wondering could my night of drunken madness have helped our sex life?

[Malin889]

If you want to go further with this gentleman, then end things with your husband. If not, then I don't know. Sorry I've never cheated so I'm not sure, but I understand you feeling the way you do. Maybe it's best not to say anything to your husband. And if you do decide to end things with your husband, don't say anything about it either. Because you wouldn't be ending it because of the cheating, right?

[Alwaysonmymind]

If you want to go further with this gentleman, then end things with your husband. If not, then I don't know. Sorry I've never cheated so I'm not sure, but I understand you feeling the way you do. Maybe it's best not to say anything to your husband.

 

Thankfully, the guy lives a 3 hour plane journey away from me & the chances are if I do see him again it won’t be for a long time so there’s no fear of us hooking up again.

[RecentChange]

Hi Alwaysonmymind - I am going to give you my advice. First, let me tell you a bit about myself so you understand my perspective.

 

My husband and I have been together for 18 years, since we were 21 and 23. We no kids, we love each other dearly.

 

9 years ago he cheated, a fling while on a business trip, and 3 years ago I cheated, not a full out affair, but was certainly physical with someone else.

 

In the end, we both ended up telling (or getting caught being sneaky then telling!) - and we have done the hard work and investment to reconcile.

 

I wonder should I tell my husband? Or should I perhaps be more concerned at how much I enjoyed what happened & questioning my marriage? I can’t stop thinking about it & the way he made me feel. My husband doesn’t make me feel that way any more. Please help or share similar experiences.

 

I say you should tell. Now let me tell you why. You say your husband does not make you feel this way any more. You say how special and attractive / wanted etc this other man made you feel. Believe me, I have been there (and well my husband has as well!!). Curious, you say your husband doesn't make you feel that way. Do you think YOU make him feel that way? Do you make him feel sexy, desired, lusted after? He may be missing the same things you are. Its a common trap many relationships fall into.

 

While there is no excuse for cheating, there are reasons - and from my experience and understanding - this desire to feel wanted, sexy etc is right up there as to why it happens.

 

So why should you tell? Well, your marriage is unlikely to improve unless you do. In fact, mourning those special feelings you have will most likely chip away at your relationship. The reminder of what is missing will take its toll.

 

If you do not want to live a marriage of regret... you will need to tell.

 

Now, do NOT go blurting this out! This is a big deal, a really really big deal. This will probably be some of the worst news, if not the worst news your husband will ever get. The day you told him will be a day he will never forget. And the road to repairing this will be long and difficult, but if you two have a good relationship, if you love each other, it will be worth it.

 

So, with concern for your marriage, and with compassion for your husband, this must be done properly.

 

First I recommend reading (its short read, do it!) Linda MacDonald's guide "How to help your spouse heal from an affair":

 

https://www.amazon.com/Linda-J.-MacDonald-M.S./e/B004F7TX5C

 

Do some additional reading and understanding about how affairs effect men. Genders really do tend to play a role in this. Men tend to take a greater blow to their ego, and their feeling of place in the world. Having another man "take" what they value most really does a number on many men.

 

I also recommend getting some counseling. Figure out WHY you did this, and ways to prevent this from happening again. Yes, stale relationships and a lack of desire can make you more vulnerable - but cheating on someone you love often is a symptom of something even deeper. Discover what that is and take responsibility for it.

 

If you can approach your husband with "this is what I did" and "my personal issues / failings" caused it - then I think you may have a chance of saving things. Its important to assume ALL responsibility. This is NOT your husband's fault, but rather your fault, and a sign that neither of you were "tending to the garden" that is your marriage. We can't take our relationships for granted, but rather they need constant tending, watering and care, otherwise weeds will take over.

 

Now, why go through all of this? Why tell? Because unless you do, things in the marriage will not improve.... but imagine, imagine if you both decide that in light of this, you want to stay together.

 

That you both want to work hard and make the relationship better than it was. That once again you could feel those amazing things with not a stranger, but rather the man you love?

 

You won't have that unless you tell - but you also won't have that again unless you are willing to get through one of the most difficult things a couple can face.

 

The road to recovery starts with taking responsibility - you are the villain here, and you need to be remorseful. When you see in your husband's eyes the pain you have caused him, it will probably sink in. You are also going to have to be incredibly strong. Your job will be to be there for him, your own concerns, feelings etc will need to take a back burner. This is a "I screwed up, but will do anything you need me to do to make it right" time.

Edited October 22, 2018 by RecentChange

[Mardelis]

Your marriage is now a big lie. You broke your vows, you are deceiving the man who has committed to spending the rest of his life with you and you possibly exposed him to a lifelong or even fatal STD.

 

Sure you can hide it from him but the right thing to do is tell him what you told us. You haven't been happy, you haven't been satisfied, so you found it elsewhere.

 

Let the chips fall where they may. Who knows maybe it will be a wakeup call for him and he'll pick it up a bit. Or, he'll kick you to the curb which might not be a bad thing given the present state of the marriage.

 

 

If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know?

[Alwaysonmymind]

Your marriage is now a big lie. You broke your vows, you are deceiving the man who has committed to spending the rest of his life with you and you possibly exposed him to a lifelong or even fatal STD.

 

Sure you can hide it from him but the right thing to do is tell him what you told us. You haven't been happy, you haven't been satisfied, so you found it elsewhere.

 

Let the chips fall where they may. Who knows maybe it will be a wakeup call for him and he'll pick it up a bit. Or, he'll kick you to the curb which might not be a bad thing given the present state of the marriage.

 

 

If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know?

 

Thanks for your advice but I think perhaps you misread my post - unless STD’s can now be caught through kissing? I didn’t have sex with him and not did I let him do anything more to me other than kiss. My husband is a very possessive sort of guy & has a bad temper so my biggest fear is that I tell him, he doesn’t believe it was only kissing and flies down to the city where the guy in question lives and physically hurts him.

[Mardelis]

Sorry I missed that part about it being only kissing.

 

 

 

Well I guess you have to balance the pros vs cons of telling him, make a decision and live with it.