Married & Having an Emotional Affair

[scooterb4u]

Hello everyone. This is my first post and trying to find some answers other than your a cheater. I am 61 years old and have been married for 23 years. Both our kids are grown and have their own lives. For the last several years sex for us has been minimal to around 3-4 times a year (that's a good year). We have a good life and we never argue with each other. We spend about an 2 hours each night once we get home from work talking about the day and having dinner and then go our own way, she up to our room for TV and me down to my media room. About 9 she comes and says good night. She is more introverted and I am a type A outgoing person.

 

First off I have never cheated on my wife in any way shape or form.

 

Fast forward to two months ago.

 

I was invited to join an advisory board for a company we do business with. The first night we all met after arriving at the hotel for dinner. We met in the lobby and we all introduced ourselves. There was one woman, I'll call her Kay that was the marketing manager for this company and also 11 years younger than me. I have know idea what occurred but as soon as her and I looked at each other we both felt this very close connection, something that has never happened to me in all of my adult life.

 

During the first night we had a great time at dinner and such. Kay asked if I had ever seen the fountain where 3 rivers meet (Pittsburgh). We went down to it along with a couple of others and had a very fun evening and then back to the hotel room where we all retired.

 

I was awestruck trying to figure out what was going on with this whole connection thing I was feeling.

 

The next day was our all day meeting and Kay sat on the other side of the room. All day long we both would catch ourselves smiling at each other.

Same scenario for that evening. The company took us on a dinner cruise and her and I spent quite a bit of time around each other and we could feel an energy taking between us.

 

After the cruise we all went back to the hotel and a few of us went to the lounge including Kay. After about 40 min or so I said I was done for the evening and so did she. We walked to the elevator and asked her what she was gonna do and she commented probably watch some TV. I asked her if she would like to come watch some with me and she said yes. At this point I couldn't believe what I had just asked.

 

Anyway we went up to my room where I turned on the TV and Kay sat in the chair. A couple minutes later I asked if she wanted to come sit with me which she did. We ended up kissing and caressing for about 30-45 minutes and Kay said she should leave and I agreed. The next morning we were both professional and I left to catch my flight to come home.

 

Kay ended up texting me and asked how my flight went and so on. It has now been two months and we text each other everyday and talk on the phone once or twice a week.

 

I never told Kay I was married and as each day goes by it becomes more apparent I should but also more difficult. I have bought her little gifts and such and we do flirt quite a bit. But the fact were 1300 miles apart make it both good and bad. I know in I've cheated just by making out with her and the fact I am emotionally connected even though we never had sex. Although we both know if we get together we would.

 

The problem is I think I'm in love with Kay, but I also love my wife. However, I'm not in love with her. My wife has done nothing wrong other than the whole no sex thing but that's it. She is a good person and good to me.

My problem is I have this connection with Kay. You see Kay is a writer and has published books on Past Lives Regression, connections etc. and we both know some how some where we have been connected for a long time. Yeah I know that sounds different I get it but I can't overcome this whole connection feeling. We both know at this point were really good friends and even friends with benefits should we get together. The distance we have between us also prevents us from getting together. At this point in Kay's life she does not have room for a full time boyfriend which I understand but we definitely have great affection for each other.

 

Do I tell my wife and start that whole thing? Do I tell Kay and take the chance of losing someone that came into my life by chance, but was it really chance? I am so turned upside down over this it's crazy. I wake up thinking about Kay and I go to bed thinking about Kay an it's been two months now. I am not a 20 year old and understand what the brain does to your emotions with all the chemicals it releases. I check my emotions daily. I so want to tell Kay I'm married but so afraid of not having her in my life. The same goes for what about what this would do to my wife.

 

I am at a totally lost as what I should be doing. If your going to tell me I'm a cheater and a pig then I ask you to move on. I am a very good person that believes he has met the connection of his life but is lost in the ocean all alone.

[Chinook]

Hello, I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation which must be emotionally exhausting. But ... I do think you do need to decide what you want.

 

If you want to stay married to your wife, then you need to come clean without minimising anything. You need to suggest both marriage counselling and individual counselling & possibly with sex therapy. This is of course assuming your wife will want to stay and work things out. Better people than I here at Loveshack will be able to advise further here on how to move forward.

 

As for Kay, be realistic - she has said she doesn’t have time for a boyfriend (how do you know she’s not married?). She also lives a way away from you. It’s easy to say “she’s the one” but most new relationship energy feels like that. But you have already alluded to the idea that she may not welcome being the “other woman”. It is not a nice feeling to find out down the line that the guy you have fallen for is actually already taken. Please, give her that courtesy.

 

With both situations you are asking a LOT of both women. What will you give either in return? What is your commitment to moving on constructively without causing either pain? Your post asks us at Loveshack not to judge you. But really, you have already judged yourself and you already feel bad... we can’t tell you what to do because we don’t know what is in your heart. All we can do is caution you in the pitfalls we have seen many many posters (different surroundings maybe, but same situ) go through time & again.

 

In my experience here, most posters will question your motives & make you think about what you’re doing. You can ask not to be berated, but some will judge you - you have to take the rough with the smooth I’m afraid. That’s the nature of a public forum.

 

I wish you well. I do hope both women come out of this okay. Please keep us posted.

Edited October 22, 2018 by Chinook
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[Doorstopper]

Well, as you have admitted, you can scratch never having an affair off of your bucket list.

 

Have you ever watched one of those many romantic comedies, "chick flicks" if you want to call them that, where 2 people fall in love but he (usually) is hiding a deep secret? They break up but the betrayed one realizes she cant's live without him and they live happily ever after. This is not the movies. If she has any morals you will be history, and she will be washing her mouth out with soap. If she doesn't have morals, well then you might just be one in a string of men, and in fact nothing special. Remember, she may very well have her own secrets and that may be why she has no room for a full time boyfriend.

 

I won't tell you your a pig. Unfortunately these things happen. Your brain chemicals overran your common sense. But you can't in good conscience say you are a good person, while doing this. Its your brain chemicals talking.

 

Conventional wisdom is to tell your wife and give her he option to divorce you or reconcile. The safe fallback is to tell Kay and drop her. Put your energy into rediscovering your marriage. Kay may even have her own "bomb" to drop on you regarding untold secrets. The horrible plan is to keep this up as is. This is not a movies script.

 

I wish you Luck.

[Amethyst68]

I am a very good person that believes he has met the connection of his life but is lost in the ocean all alone.

 

I would challenge the above statement: a good person would not be lying to two women about the way he feels.

 

IMO Kay will at least know you are in a relationship if not married, it will be clear by now by the patterns in the times you contact her, after all you have to fit it in around your everyday routine. By what you say she may not mind as she does not seem to be looking for a full time relationship.

 

As for your wife - I'm afraid I'm going to fall into the camp that says you owe it to tell her; she deserves to have the full knowledge of what's going on in her life so she can make a fully aware choice. At present you have all the power in the relationship which makes it extremely unbalanced.

 

I cannot believe you are comparing a 23 year marriage with a 45min fumble along with some texts and saying that is the connection of your life. Try imagining telling THAT to your wife. You're in your 60s, you know that this thing with Kay is not real life - there's no hum drum day to day living, bills, illness, bad habits etc.

 

I know you don't want to be judged but you can't say you are a very good person and you definitely can't say you've never cheated!

[Mr. Lucky]

Do I tell my wife and start that whole thing? Do I tell Kay and take the chance of losing someone that came into my life by chance, but was it really chance? I am so turned upside down over this it's crazy. I wake up thinking about Kay and I go to bed thinking about Kay an it's been two months now. I am not a 20 year old and understand what the brain does to your emotions with all the chemicals it releases. I check my emotions daily. I so want to tell Kay I'm married but so afraid of not having her in my life. The same goes for what about what this would do to my wife.

 

I am at a totally lost as what I should be doing. If your going to tell me I'm a cheater and a pig then I ask you to move on. I am a very good person that believes he has met the connection of his life but is lost in the ocean all alone.

 

As I said in another thread, I'm always amazed at, in pursuit of something as noble as love, how ignoble people are willing to act.

 

scooterb4u, if you really believed what you wrote, you'd divorce your wife and take your chances with your soulmate. You've made a convincing case - your marriage is unsatisfying, you've put in your time as a faithful husband and you've found (according to you) a connection that transcends space and time.

 

But like every other selfish cake-eater, you won't do this. And to get what you want, you'll lie to and manipulate both women. So "pig"? No.

 

But cheater most definitely...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

The fact were 1300 miles apart make it both good and bad. I know in I've cheated just by making out with her and the fact I am emotionally connected even though we never had sex. Although we both know if we get together we would.

 

The distance we have between us also prevents us from getting together. At this point in Kay's life she does not have room for a full time boyfriend which I understand but we definitely have great affection for each other.

 

Do I tell my wife and start that whole thing? Do I tell Kay and take the chance of losing someone that came into my life by chance. I wake up thinking about Kay and I go to bed thinking about Kay an it's been two months now.

 

It's really easy to create a fantasy about a woman when there is no possibility that the fantasy will become reality. Especially easy, I would think, after 23 years of marriage when the mystery is gone with your wife, the boredom of real life exists, and the affection has dwindled... How can your wife possibly compete with "the connection" you feel for this other woman...

 

The thing is, if you chose this "fantasy woman," there is absolutely no guarantee that she will want to be together in a relationship with you. In fact, she has told you that she doesn't want a boyfriend. Which is why, you are not willing to tell your wife - you risk losing it all.

 

Like all good married men, you want the perks of married life - the stability, the companionship, the financial benefit - while engaging in behavior that is entirely selfish with another woman.

 

The thing is... your wife deserves to know the truth about the state of her marriage. She deserves to know that there is another woman in her marriage so that she can make an informed decision about her future. While you say that you worry about "what this would do to your wife..." I would suggest that you stay because it is in your best interest to stay, and have a fantasy relationship with this other woman. If you were really concerned about "what this would do to your wife," you wouldn't be doing it.

 

Assuming that your wife has been a good and faithful partner to you for the past 23 years, don't you think that she deserves more than a husband who is fantasizing about another woman - morning, noon, and night?

 

My friend, you have a choice to make. Stay with your wife, and end all communication with this other woman because it is hurtful to your marriage, and thus hurtful to the woman who you have vowed to love and keep for the rest of your life. Or, tell your wife the truth, possibly end your marriage and pursue this other woman. Not telling either woman the truth because you are afraid that one or both of them will kick you to the curb is a cowardly thing to do. You need to make a decision, and respect these women enough to be honest with them.

 

In other words, you need to swim to one shore, or the other. You can't tread water forever...

Edited October 23, 2018 by BaileyB

[Mardelis]

Well, as you have admitted, you can scratch never having an affair off of your bucket list.

 

 

How can something you never plan to do be on your bucket list?

[scooterb4u]

I appreciate everyone's feedback.

 

I do know I need to have a conversation with both of them. As far as cutting it off with Kay just informing her will do that, this I know. I do believe we as humans can love more than one more at the same time and if I was single this would be a a lot easier. The issue I need to get past is our paths will cross frequently because we both share seats on the advisory board. There are many unknowns I have to deal with and I will. Someone above stated I could check having an "having an affair" on my bucket list. I never had this on any bucket list as this was totally unplanned. I did not seek someone out to fulfill things I may or may not be missing. However, I do believe I was in the right place, just at the wrong time.

[Mr. Lucky]

Someone above stated I could check having an "having an affair" on my bucket list. I never had this on any bucket list as this was totally unplanned. I did not seek someone out to fulfill things I may or may not be missing. However, I do believe I was in the right place, just at the wrong time.

 

You seem to be looking for brownie points in the unplanned nature of your infidelity.

 

No need to waste that theory on us, try it on your wife - "Honey, good news and bad news. The bad news is I've fallen in love with someone else I've been seeing and talking to behind your back. The good news is, I never set out to do this".

 

There's also a similar version you can test on "Kay". Let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I do believe we as humans can love more than one more at the same time and if I was single this would be a a lot easier..

 

Just curious, how do you think you would feel if your wife shared your thoughts and told you that she was in love with another man...

 

I don’t think it would be easier if you were single. Sure, you would be available to pursue Kay and you could multidate - for a while... but, eventually most will expect you to make a decision and commit to a relationship with one person.

[BreakOnThrough]

Just be honest, that is all you have to be at this point. Tell both women your TRUE feelings and situation, write it all out of you have to. What is meant to be will fall into place naturally. Right now, you are in a complete fantasy, an apparition of the mind, it is not a healthy or functional state to be in. It will wear on you and just create MORE distance between you and the so called people you claim to love. Break free now, while you still have SOME dignity and frame of mind intact.

[Amethyst68]

BTW you state you have would have to meet with Kay as you both sit on the advisory board, however in your original post you state you were invited to join by a company you do business with. This is not connected to your actual employment so there should be nothing to stop you from quitting the board. I'm sure you could come up with a reason if you really want to, you know if you it's important to you.

 

It's time to make a man up and make a decision. If you no longer want to be married at least be as honorable as you can from this moment on. Tell your wife and take it from there, one way or another.

[elaine567]

If you feel it is over with your wife then tell her it is over.

You do not need rub her face in it and tell her about the affair.

Recovering from a cheating spouse is a hard path and you do not need to make it any harder than it already is.

Being dumped by your husband of 23 years will be bad enough without being dumped for a younger woman...

[FMW]

I think you should be honest with both women.

 

Your wife deserves to know that you were tempted by and have feelings for another woman. It doesn't excuse infidelity, but she needs to know that the lack of sexual intimacy can lead to vulnerability. She needs to understand the situation and decide whether she wants to stay with you and work it out or consider other options for herself.

 

The other woman should know you are married. That's a big omission in an ongoing situation. I think it's odd she hasn't asked if you are at least seeing anyone else, so as someone else mentioned, she may be married too. You say you are afraid of "losing" her, but I'm not sure what you have right now beyond fantasy when you haven't even discussed the basics of availability.

 

I was a BW in a sexless marriage and I've been the OW, so no judgments on my part other than to say deal with this honestly and in a straightforward manner, with both women.

[pepperbird]

Op,

if you want a new perspective n what you've been up to, imagine it's your daughter or son who is in your wife's position. What would you want for them?

 

 

Strip away all the excuses, all the nonsense and what do you get? Answer that, and you'll know what you next step should be.

[misspalmy]

I wouldnt class that as affair if there no touching.

[elaine567]

I wouldnt class that as affair if there no touching.

 

We ended up kissing and caressing for about 30-45 minutes

^^^^^ this^^^^^

[BaileyB]

I wouldnt class that as affair if there no touching.

 

It has now been two months and we text each other everyday and talk on the phone once or twice a week. I wake up thinking about Kay and I go to bed thinking about Kay an it's been two months now.

 

I never told Kay I was married and as each day goes by it becomes more apparent I should but also more difficult. I have bought her little gifts and such and we do flirt quite a bit. I know in I've cheated just by the fact I am emotionally connected even though we never had sex. Although we both know if we get together we would.

 

The problem is I think I'm in love with Kay, but I also love my wife. However, I'm not in love with her.

 

That's an emotional affair. And given the right opportunity, he has admitted that it has very real potential to become a physical affair (although, I consider kissing and making out with another woman touching and cheating).

 

This, and the fact that he admits that he is no longer "in love" with his wife make this relationship wildly inappropriate and very unfair to his wife.

[Doorstopper]

How can something you never plan to do be on your bucket list?

 

My sarcasm is apparently as bad as my word placement. As I said later on: Unfortunately these things happen. Your brain chemicals overran your common sense.