Is there hope? But why am I even bothering thinking that!

[MATTYD]

Hi all,

 

So I was with a girl for 10 months. So a decent amount of time I hope meant something to her. But half way in I find out she has a drink problem and quite depressed. But in the beginning it was amazing, we were even engaged. It went wrong when I found out about her issues. She use to send me the most vial texts, hated me popping round to see my mum, didn't like me seeing my friends, insulting them. Oh yeah and saying I was autistic! Basically an abusive relationship.

 

Last week she did a runner to the Isle Of Wight to see an ex. That all went tits up for her, he also left her on her all weekend and blocked her now. She got rid of his baby and didn't tell him. He hates her for that. She was in such a state over there. Drinking, not sleeping, scared, paranoid etc etc. Two guys pulled her trousers down and scared the crap out of her. Last week I drove round trying to track her down to get her to safety, even went as foot passenger to Isle Of Wight. Eventually I met up with her. We stayed in a hotel in Dorset. We shared a bath, she was so affectionate towards me (probably using me as addicts do) Called me her fiancee again, said she loved me, she told this ex of hers if he touched me she'd kill him. He even told her to go be with me as she couldn't even kiss him. Had sex that night. Was awful, she didn't cum and I did too quickly. But I think that's understandable due to the immense stress and anxiety she put me through last week, or should I say weeks.

 

We connected a lot more physically before I knew about her drink problem. Being with a girl who is depressed, asked me to end her life last week, an alcoholic and had an awful past does put a strain on things all round! Last week she got arrested for being four times over legal limit so now can't drive and has a big ban.

 

She's blocked me calls, texts, whatsapp but not facebook. She's been keeping tabs on me on f book as she got ****ty with me for a post I put on there. I know she has been slagging me off to guy friends saying I'm controlling, it was my fault she lost her licence, and a load of other **** about me. At least her family know that's all crap and she does deep down. I hear that girls will use anger to cover up genuine positive feelings for an ex. Is this the case here or is she just not a nice person full stop?

 

Now I don't hate her, I don't have hate inside me. She is very confused obviously. Stupidly I still love her. Are you all thinking why the hell why!! It's a mental illness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It's comforting to know other guys have eventually had enough of her.

 

She told me I was the first she'd met who she could see marrying and having children with. Do you think as she had actually found this it was too much for her unstable mental state to take?

 

My question is does she give a **** about me, is she missing me?

 

I don't think she's in the right headspace for a relationship. She may never be. I'm just sad and grieving for the girl I first met.

 

She left her facebook logged in on my laptop. Curiosity got the better of me. This is how I know she's been moaning to guy mates about me. This is her style, playing the victim. Will this anger and hatred subside?

 

I just feel pathetic for still giving a **** about a girl like this. Should I try and make her miss me by doing the no contact thing, will it work with a girl like this or is she just so messed up the alcohol surpresses what she might genuinely feel?

 

Thanks

[Mardelis]

Should I try and make her miss me by doing the no contact thing, will it work with a girl like this

 

 

That never works. It's a manipulative game that tries to change a persons feelings and behavior by acting in a particular way. Even if you get some initial results by going dark nothing has really changed and in the long run you'll waste a whole bunch of time with a girl who really doesn't want to be with you and even more important, a girl you really don't want to be with.

[MATTYD]

Thanks Mardelis.

 

Everyone says, even her family that she doesn't deserve me and that I can do better. I'd like to think she could be with me if she was completely better but that could take ages. And like you say why waste my time.

 

The way I gotta look at it is she isn't really that much of a catch. She's 35 and has nothing. I don't understand why I miss her when she is like this.

[ExpatInItaly]

To be blunt, the woman is a total mess.

 

There is no benefit to sticking around and hoping she might want you again. Instead, you need to work on understanding why you want someone who is so unstable and poorly-suited to a committed, long-term relationship.

 

I realize you probably felt the high of the honeymoon phase and it felt good to be wanted, but it sounds like you rushed in without actually knowing her or the extent of her problems. You also have a White Knight mentality, which won't serve you well. Rescuing her from a trip with her ex that went sour exemplifies this. She needs the type of help you cannot possibly give her.

 

The bottom line is that you can't expect a stable relationship from someone this unhealthy and unstable. Are you normally attracted to chaos and women who wipe their feet on you?

[MATTYD]

Hi,

 

Yes I wasn't informed of her issues by her family.

 

You're right I can't give her the right help. I and all her family know it's a long road ahead for her. Not sure what guy in their right mind would put up or handle the crap I've had to.

 

Would it of made a difference if I hadn't gone to the Isle Of Wight to get her. Probably not. Felt it was the right thing to do. And at the end of the day I was the one who eventually got her back home safe.

 

My last girlfriend decided to go and be with a guy she'd known since uni, oh and he was 22st!

 

This current breakup though has been the toughest by far. But I don't understand why? Why do I still feel such an attachment, such a loss to someone who was horrible to me? Is there a genuine reason or am I just weak?

 

I want to message her on facebook but know I shouldn't. She's blocked my number.