Girfriends son is entitled, lazy, selfish and disrespectful and it's causing problems

[Mr. Lucky]

What am I supposed to do with that?

 

Quit asking Mom about his room - or anything else. Continue to push her on counseling...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Normm]

She suggested counseling with a guy I had therapy with a year or so back. I called him a day or two ago, he got back to me today we're going to see him tomorrow night.

[Mr. Lucky]

Good news. It's a process but hope it leads to some light at the end of the tunnel...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beatcuff]

OP. i have 3 teenage and beyond boys and 1 teenage girl. i coach HS ice hockey (boys in the fall, girls in the winter). i do not have all the answers but i can offer guidance. yelling is VERY effective for a short time. but they build up a tolerance very quickly. so it goes from crap i need to fix this to there he goes again to watch it will last x minutes (it becomes a game).

 

The boy IS the problem. Sure I'm not doing much if anything to try to resolve the situation of his poor attitude but I am not the CAUSE of it.

the attitude is a SYMPTOM not the cause. of course from your point of view if he just ---- cleaned his room, did his homework, sit up straight, blah blah... all would be fine. but the reason he is not is because there is something wrong. its his version of civil disobedience. so why does he not verbalize? putting aside he thinks you will just yell or berate him, its because HE DOES NOT KNOW either. everything was so simple, then you moved it, his body is changing, his mind is going in countless directions at the same time (no focus), his old friends not longer talk to him, he does not know how to talk to girls yet it appears everyone else does, he does not fit in anywhere, he is frustrated and had no answers no one to turn to. so he reverts/hides on the internet where he is faceless and/or he found a group that accepts him. he is escaping JUST LIKE YOU.

 

i am glad you are seeking outside help. in the meantime i strongly urge you to stop yelling, stop telling, stop demanding, stop hiding and start asking (maybe why he did not go to that 'school event' was because [mom] talked about what everyone else did not what he wanted or why). BTW expect, at first, the answers to be 'i don't want too'. accept it. as time moves on he will open up. but right now he is waiting for you to 'blow up'.

 

think of this like a bank. every good conversation or encounter with him adds a penny, every time you lose it takes out 5. as the pennies swell you can make a withdrawal --- AND you can start on a good foot by admitting your own shortcomings. players i coach really appreciate when i say 'wow i screwed up' or 'my bad' or 'i'm sorry' or 'i owe you'. the odd thing is they don't expect payback they are glad i/you are not some super god.

[JuneL]

Live-in boyfriends (or even step-parents) are not supposed to take on the role to discipline the kids without the permission or agreement of the parents. We’ve always been told not to act as the kid’s parent as he’s already got his mother and father. I think you should take on the “middle person” role; try to talk to him patiently and understand how he feels; explain to him that his mother is very concerned about his behaviors. If you’re willing to take on this softer role, then chances are your gf will be willing to be a little tougher. Since you’re already the one yelling at him, I’m sure your gf would feel bad about adding fuel to fire.

[JuneL]

Since your gf has work to do from home in the evening, one effective way is for them to do their work together in the evening (his schoolwork and her work from home). Also, they can do errands “together”: she’s cooking while he’s doing some chore.

[Mrs._December]

OP, you remind me so much of my brother.

 

He remarried 7 years ago and his wife is just like your girlfriend - too foolish to realize that her passive and completely ineffective and bad parenting is damaging to her grown kids and has basically made them dependent, spoiled BRATS who still live at home (two daughters - one is 27 and the other is 25).

 

A parent's job is to teach their children how to fend for themselves in the outside world. That's what they do - they provide the tools to their young so they can grow up and thrive out in the real world all on their own.

 

That's not what my brother's wife has been doing. She thinks she's the 'cool' parent, their 'buddy,' and the truth is, her enabling and her constant pandering to two adult daughters has created adult children who STILL live at home in their childhood bedrooms and act like whiny little princesses. Further, foolish mom is too 'cool' to insist they pay any kind of rent or contribute to the household in any way - and one of the grownup brats moved her jobless boyfriend into her room with her 2 years ago.

 

Of course, my brother and his wife are footing the bill for these loser adult kids.

 

He's been on the cusp of leaving his wife more times than I can count because he's so sick of this nonsense. I think the day will come when he simply packs his bags and walks out. If I were him, I would have been LONG gone.

 

OP, this type of ignorant parenting is what your GF is doing. The over-9indulgent, excuse making stupidity she continually engages in is just helping build the failure he'll continue to be well into adulthood. He'll likely still be living at home 5 or 6 years from now - along with his pregnant girlfriend that he moved into your house - and you and your GF will be footing the bill and likely having to take care of her grand-kid a good portion of the time while the adult children are out acting like fools.

 

Good times. Good times.

 

If I were you, I'd run SO damned far, SO damned fast that it wouldn't even be funny.

[Normm]

If I were you, I'd run SO damned far, SO damned fast that it wouldn't even be funny.

 

 

But I AM running! That's what started the latest round of this nonsense. In my head- I'm completely detached. I know her ineffective parenting is turning him into an irresponsible loser and I also know there's not much I'm going to be able to do about it given my limited exposure to him and his 2 parents working in opposition.

 

I maintain my independence in the relationship- no intention to ever marry, separate finances, the whole 9 yards. Things get bad enough at some future time because of the son or anything else, it won't be all that difficult to extricate myself. Him moving a pregnant girlfriend into the house would definitely be a dealbreaker!

 

For now he's not much more than an irritant. Well lets see how the counseling session goes. I doubt one session will do any good (or even 100) but at least we'll put it out there.

[RebeccaToo]

Okay. I have skimmed through most of the info. I have two teens 17 and 14 and here is my take.

 

1. Sit down and ask him. Talk to him by starting with what are your goals and how can we help you? We really need you to start helping out so that we can feel more connected as a family. What do you need? What is preventing you from doing what we ask so that we can figure out how to rearrange it or problem solve together.

 

2. The boy sounds depressed. Is there anyone in the family that he trusts and looks up to that can help? Sit and talk with him and be a support? I had a bout of depression and you could have told me a hundred times to do something. I was simply numb. I had zero motivation. Intellectually I knew things needed to be done but I just couldn’t do it.

 

It is amazing what can be done when you address the reasons and feelings behind the behaviour rather than the actions themselves. Because you had a good relationship before Normm, I would say that it can be great again.

 

I would sit down with all three of you and, without judgment, tell him that he seems different and you would like him to try to be honest about how he is feeling. That you will just sit and listen. I bet you will be surprised at what he says. Ask him what he is worried about? What he fears? What is making him happy lately?

 

Don’t give up Normm. They both need you to be more present. Not more emotionally absent and I bet they are both terrified you will leave them.

Edited October 29, 2018 by RebeccaToo

[Mr. Lucky]

1. Sit down and ask him. Talk to him by starting with what are your goals and how can we help you? We really need you to start helping out so that we can feel more connected as a family. What do you need? What is preventing you from doing what we ask so that we can figure out how to rearrange it or problem solve together.

 

2. The boy sounds depressed. Is there anyone in the family that he trusts and looks up to that can help? Sit and talk with him and be a support? I had a bout of depression and you could have told me a hundred times to do something. I was simply numb. I had zero motivation. Intellectually I knew things needed to be done but I just couldn’t do it.

 

Don't think either of these are applicable for this reason - sensing Normm's withdrawal, the son understands mom's BF is no longer a decision maker in the family dynamic. He's just the "guy who sleeps in mom's room".

 

Normm, I wouldn't last in the situation you describe, would be too discouraging and frustrating. Your future in the relationship would seem to depend on an ability to compartmentalize everything that happens between your GF and her son. Hope it works out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Normm]

We're attempting to work towards some sort of middle ground. She's leaning on him more, and I'm being nicer.

[sabaton]

Have you ever considered convincing this kid's mother to enroll him in a Military School? It will do him so good. He'll get in great physical shape, he'll be given a lot of responsabilities and there'll be expectations laid out on him, and he'll have to grow up fast as he won't have his mother around him to bail him out everything he messes up.

Edited November 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Long quote, not need to quote the entire post ~ V

[Normm]

Have you ever considered convincing this kid's mother to enroll him in a Military School?

 

 

I'm not going to try to convince her to do anything. If he fails out of school (not likely despite his recent dropoff) then perhaps a trade school or military school might be an option.

 

 

He started kickboxing recently, maybe that will help?

[sabaton]

I'm not going to try to convince her to do anything. If he fails out of school (not likely despite his recent dropoff) then perhaps a trade school or military school might be an option.

 

 

He started kickboxing recently, maybe that will help?

 

 

That's a great way to direct a young man's reckless energy and rebellious streak into a productive straight line. I'd get him in boxing aswell.

[Normm]

A week or so ago her son conned mom into letting him stay out of school on what was supposedly an "optional" day where they bring in drug addicts and criminals and other "real life" cases relating to drugs, vaping, and other real life issues teens face. He said he didn't want to go, its a bunch of BS, and the night before the event his mom was exasperated at his whining, called his dad who not surprisingly said "let him stay home" and they both agreed to let him stay home. I sat there mentally shaking my head but said nothing because I had decided to detach.

 

 

With my latest strategy which is to stay somewhat connected, a new situation has surfaced as of this morning. He's 16 next year, already driving a battered old car around a parking lot out by where his dad lives in the boondocks, his dad picked it up for him for a few hundred bucks.

 

 

 

He wants to get a nice car now, and work on fixing it up so by his 16th birthday and presumably a drivers license a few months later, he'll have the car ready to go. There's a few grand saved up in a bank account from his birthdays, graduations and other gifts. He is bugging his mom to buy the car now. She doesn't know what to do so she mentioned it to me.

 

 

I said "He's failing 2 classes, he's got an attitude and doesn't listen to anything anyone tells him to do, and he wants to get a car and you're thinking about doing it?". "How about you tell him until his grades pick up quite a bit and his attitude disappears and he maintains his chores without being asked then it's a consideration, but not until then".

 

 

 

She said "Good idea".

 

 

I need to be involved more.

[preraph]

She really doesn't understand basic human behavior, does she? She really needs to read a parenting book because she is clueless.

[Whodatdog]

I hope she sticks by it. Knowing that theres something that he really wants is a great motivator.

 

When I was a teen, I was a bit rebellious, sullen, introverted, bad in school, and in general didnt give a crap. But I loved horses. My parents, oddly enough, bought me one. But I had to earn money for his upkeep, and if my grades slumped or I did anything stupid, I was banned from the horse (I would see him everyday). It worked. Grades went up, stupidness went way down (not totally; I was a teen after all). I figured out hundreds of years later that my parents got that horse for me, not because I was so special, but because they needed leverage, and found it with the horse. You found it with a car. Use it.

[BettyDraper]

A week or so ago her son conned mom into letting him stay out of school on what was supposedly an "optional" day where they bring in drug addicts and criminals and other "real life" cases relating to drugs, vaping, and other real life issues teens face. He said he didn't want to go, its a bunch of BS, and the night before the event his mom was exasperated at his whining, called his dad who not surprisingly said "let him stay home" and they both agreed to let him stay home. I sat there mentally shaking my head but said nothing because I had decided to detach.<snip>

 

This boy sounds VERY spoiled. It's his mother's fault.

Edited November 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[RebeccaToo]

........I need to be involved more.

 

I am glad to hear this. The car may be just the goal needed that I was talking about in my last post. Don’t forget to make small goals obtainable. Like if things are good for a week, you’ll take him out to look at cars or practice driving, etc. One huge goal is too much for most adults, nevermind a teen who might be genuinely trying.

 

I hope things are going well. I wanted to pm you to ask how things were but apparently I don’t have that privilege yet. ?

[Normm]

Updating this thread for anyone who might be interested and also to vent.

 

Since I last posted here, the son has been diagnosed with ADD and will be starting medication soon. While I understand that he seems to have a focusing and attention issue, it doesn't account for everything including him staying up way too late despite his mother clearly telling him to go to bed at whatever time she specified, his constant attitude like he's being bothered when anyone talks to him and not handing in assignments in school- his grades continue to drop and he's probably completely tanked any possibility of going to a state school at this point. He's in 10th grade which as you probably know is one of the 2 most important years for college bound students.

 

The bigger problem is that mom is now blaming the ADD and giving him a blanket hall pass for everything plus she feels guilt at not addressing the problem sooner.

 

His attitude is so poor and downright nasty mainly towards his mother, that I once again have little to do with him, despite mom saying I should "call him once a day to see how he's doing " and knock on his door and say hello and not get on him about doing his chores (which he fails to do unless repeatedly told to).

 

Maybe the medications will make him into a completely different person.

 

 

We have a couple of vacations scheduled over the next 6 months and naturally he's coming along. I made the mistake of suggesting that maybe the vacations should not be taken for granted by him, and be offered as a reward for positive attitude and school performance and not just naturally assumed that he's going. You can guess how she responded to THAT idea.

 

 

Edited to add. She also feels that I am responsible for his attitude because I barely talk to him. He says he doesn't feel comfortable around me that's why he stays in his room all the time because he doesn't feel comfortable in his own home because of me. She says I yell at him, I said I have taken care NOT to yell and I don't recall having done so in recent weeks. She went back to last week when I came home one night, and the recyclables weren't put out to the curb which is his usual chore, he is supposed to have an alarm set on his phone to remind him and yet he always forgets. I came home, he said a brief offhanded "hello", I said "hello back" followed by "you didn't put out the recycleables". Mom said you went right to telling him something negative. I said that's true but I certainly didnt yell, she said well it's the same thing. She told him not to worry about MY attitude and let it go. The recyclables are still sitting in the bin behind the house.

 

 

My strategy is now don't tell him what to do about anything since I am perceived to be "only negative towards him". The garbage and recyclables can pile up to the roof for all I care.

Edited January 15, 2019 by Normm

[Mr. Lucky]

You can guess how she responded to THAT idea.

 

You don't need me to tell you this won't get better while you and Mom are at cross-purposes, it's as though you're bailing water out of a sinking ship while she's busy drilling holes.

 

I have a son with ADD and the medication was a mixed bag. It did make him more focused but also put him in such a checked-out state that you'd have thought he'd been lobotomized. We eventually discontinued it but this was 15 years ago, perhaps things have improved. We always had expectations for him like any other kid, they were just adjusted for his abilities and supported with lots of reminders and patience. It was often frustrating and that was with parental love, TBH don't know if I'd have the resolve to go through this with someone else's child.

 

Given the dynamic, I'd continue to keep my distance and simply be cordial and neutral with him. Others may tell you to get more "involved", tough to do while your GF refuses to effectively parent. Hang in there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs._December]

I lived with a guy who had ADHD and he was none of things this kid is. Of course, he had boundless energy and only had two speeds - 100 mph or sleeping. LOL.

 

But my point is, he wasn't all the rotten things this kid is, nor was he when he was growing up - and he was never medicated. Back when he was in school (late 70's, early 80's), ADD or ADHD wasn't a household word like it is now. So his teachers always told his mother he had 'ants in his pants' and that he wouldn't sit still during class. He'd done poorly in school, make no mistake - but he was a good kid overall and as an adult, was more than happy to do his share around the house when we were together. for the most part, he had a pretty sunny disposition and a good heart. ADD or ADHD isn't to blame for every single thing a person does.

 

You're absolutely correct that his mother is going to use this diagnosis as a blanket excuse for every rotten thing he decides to do. You're a saint for putting up with her crap. Seriously, you are. I would have been gone by now.

[preraph]

Great. Now he's got an excuse. I wouldn't be able to stay in the house with that going on. But that's me.

[littleblackheart]

My strategy is now don't tell him what to do about anything since I am perceived to be "only negative towards him". The garbage and recyclables can pile up to the roof for all I care.

 

This a relationship problem, not a disrespectful son with ADD problem.

 

Solution 1: have a real discussion between the 3 of you establishing how bad the current situation is, and how to redress it to everyone's satisfaction (including yours).

 

Solution 2: move out (not necessarily break up) asap.

[Miss Clavel]

Also his dad who has nothing to do with his schoolwork, never takes him anywhere and has a history of being verbally abusive.

 

 

 

Yeah, except I'm not quite ready to give up what might be the best relationship I ever had for a spoiled brat teenager with an attitude. Of course his mom could always pull the plug but her words and actions to date don't indicate that's going to happen.

 

then just move out without ending it.

 

i have to share that my sister went thru this with her son.

 

she told me that in other countries children often do not have their own rooms, furniture, computers, cell phones, rugs, comforters, internet, xbox or play station, or a closet full of nice clothes. that there is not law saying she has to provide those things to him. only food and roof.

 

so she took everything away from him. everything. except the mattress. she told him if he went out the window one more time they would nail it shut.

 

then he was told that if he grades did not improve she would take a leave from work, handcuff herself to him and sit in his classroom right next to him till he did his work. or died from embarrassment.

 

that she and his father both work and it's his job to get thru school with a passing grade.

 

that everyone in the family works inside their home for free, for the good of the family unit. including garbage, dishes and laundry.

 

you can also remind him, spell it out, how much laundry soap, internet and cell minutes cost. which you are perfectly willing to pay for provided he excells at his number one job. school. that food will be provided at a time his mother decides. but not snacks or treats, no take out or drive thru.

 

i know it sounds extreme but my nephew is a happy go lucky pot smoking college graduate that now lives in china teaching english. which means he can always make a living and won't need to move home. ever.

 

good luck

Edited February 4, 2019 by Miss Clavel