Arrogant spouse

[Naomi289]

To start, we had a long distance relationship for a number of years and have been living together for just over a year now. His arrogant behavior was (I think) disguised as self-confidence for awhile, but I see more and more that it is related to a kind of narcissism.

 

A lot of his humor is wildly inappropriate, completely racist at times, and almost always said in front of people when we are out together. He belittles other people (including his friends and acquaintances) when they are not around, talks himself up constantly even in areas where he is still learning, and occasionally transfers this arrogance to me in our day-to-day life. For example, asking me "if I am capable" of performing a task, asking "if he can trust me" to finish something, etc.

 

I'm tired of hearing him pass judgement on everyone around him, always having some quip to say about someone else, their appearance, and what they're doing wrong. Such as assuming he has to take care of his friends because they don't know how to function or navigate life (his words, not mine).

 

I moved across the country to be with him, and despite everything I put into this (including leaving my family, my friends, my job, my home), he points out constantly how he does everything for me. We have a joint bank account now that I am working, but he likes to point out how he still pays for everything saying things like "Who's money are you spending?" or "If you're really nice you can get that", even though I am contributing as much as I can. He always passes it off as him joking, though I feel like he really believes it.

 

In general if I tell him something he said was offensive, hurt my feelings, or was disrespectful, he gets immediately defensive and then tries to make me feel bad for making HIM feel bad about his inappropriate behavior. Says that it's "not his fault", and that he just says stuff without thinking sometimes. Yet he does nothing to improve this.

 

HOWEVER despite all of this, I really love him, more than I've loved anyone before. And when he is with people who are close to him he will do what he can to express his love for them. We are compatible on every other level. I just feel more and more like his negativity is weighing me down and I don't know what to do. The more stressed he gets the worse his behavior becomes. I try gently to make suggestions for how he can reduce his stress but he doesn't like taking advice from people, much less from me. I'm working really hard on myself the last year, and having once been an arrogant/self-centered person, I have gone through a lot of reconstructing of myself to be a more positive and humble person. How can I help him see this and help him realize his potential?

 

Any kind words or advice would be so appreciated.

Edited October 23, 2018 by Naomi289

[Normm]

You need to give it right back to him. You're married, correct?

 

So when he says "Who's money are you spending?" you answer "Ours".

 

 

When he says "Can I trust you to do the job right?" You say "absolutely not, that's why you're going to be the first one to test it out after I finish".

 

 

Short witty and to the point, don't dwell on it, and move on.

[Naomi289]

You need to give it right back to him. You're married, correct?

 

So when he says "Who's money are you spending?" you answer "Ours".

 

 

When he says "Can I trust you to do the job right?" You say "absolutely not, that's why you're going to be the first one to test it out after I finish".

 

 

Short witty and to the point, don't dwell on it, and move on.

 

 

I do, and I try to make light of it. It just gets tiring and at times hurtful when it's phrased the same way each time as though I was a child or an employee for a crappy office job.

[Normm]

I do, and I try to make light of it. It just gets tiring and at times hurtful when it's phrased the same way each time as though I was a child or an employee for a crappy office job.

 

 

Try not to take it personally and realize it's never going to change and decide if you can deal with it for the rest of your natural life.

[Malin889]

How long did you know him before you were long distance? Did you ever live in the same place? Was he like this before? How often did you speak and see each other before you moved in? Does your family and friends know him? Did they go to the wedding? Personally I’d be exhausted and would not be able to deal with this on a regular basis. I’m exhausted just reading about it. I feel bad for you.

[Ronni_W]

For example, asking me "if I am capable" of performing a task, asking "if he can trust me" to finish something, etc.

You can say, "No, probably not. You do it, just to be sure." And then just walk away.

 

In general if I tell him something he said was offensive, hurt my feelings, or was disrespectful, he gets immediately defensive and then tries to make me feel bad for making HIM feel bad about his inappropriate behavior. Says that it's "not his fault", and that he just says stuff without thinking sometimes.

You can also say, "So...what you're saying there is that you're incapable of thinking before you speak or managing what comes out of your mouth?

"And you're also saying that I can't trust you to take responsibility for all your own non-constructive, negative and hurtful attitudes, remarks and behaviour?"

[Naomi289]

How long did you know him before you were long distance? Did you ever live in the same place? Was he like this before? How often did you speak and see each other before you moved in? Does your family and friends know him? Did they go to the wedding? Personally I’d be exhausted and would not be able to deal with this on a regular basis. I’m exhausted just reading about it. I feel bad for you.

 

We knew each other on an acquaintance level for several years. We hadn't lived in the same place before, admittedly. He honestly wasn't like this...I truly didn't recognize his arrogance at first, it seemed like he was just very confident and self-assured.

 

We spoke every day and saw each other every 1-1.5 months. My family and friends have all met him (some know him better than others) and we do have mutual friends. Exhausting is the correct word. It's affecting my libido a lot as well which only makes things worse.

[Naomi289]

You can say, "No, probably not. You do it, just to be sure." And then just walk away.

 

You can also say, "So...what you're saying there is that you're incapable of thinking before you speak or managing what comes out of your mouth?

"And you're also saying that I can't trust you to take responsibility for all your own non-constructive, negative and hurtful attitudes, remarks and behaviour?"

 

Dang that last one is so accurate! It seems simple but I don't think he sees it as a character flaw. He chooses to believe other people just get offended easily and can't understand his humor.

[Normm]

He chooses to believe other people just get offended easily and can't understand his humor.

 

 

Sounds like aspergers.

[d0nnivain]

Pick a quiet time & talk to him about your feelings & concerns. Tell him you have heard him when he says that "he just says stuff" but remind him that some of that stuff hurts your feelings. Work on the jabs he takes at you then move on to the inappropriate stuff he says to others. Don't attack him just point out that you don't think he's the kind of man who intentionally wants to be cruel to his wife so ask if can be more contentious of not being negligently cruel without thinking. You have to say all of this softly while you are calm using a lot of "I feel" statements.

[Mr. Lucky]

We knew each other on an acquaintance level for several years. We hadn't lived in the same place before, admittedly. He honestly wasn't like this...I truly didn't recognize his arrogance at first, it seemed like he was just very confident and self-assured.

 

We spoke every day and saw each other every 1-1.5 months. My family and friends have all met him (some know him better than others) and we do have mutual friends.

 

Within the framework you describe, how do you court someone, get engaged and get married? If doesn't sound like you spent any real time together before the wedding ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MountainGirl111]

In general if I tell him something he said was offensive, hurt my feelings, or was disrespectful, he gets immediately defensive and then tries to make me feel bad for making HIM feel bad about his inappropriate behavior. Says that it's "not his fault", and that he just says stuff without thinking sometimes.

 

This is called gas lighting I believe. He is saying things to counteract your own perception and it makes you second guess yourself and will drive you batty if this keeps up.

 

You call him arrogant and that's probably about right. My question for you: How long do you think you can live this way? You say you've been trying to improve yourself? Well, aren't you good enough already. Does he love you as you really are...or do you feel like you have to be some sort of improvement project in order to be loved?

 

It doesn't sound like he's very open to any criticism whatsoever, yet feels entitled to criticize others.

"Just does stuff without thinking"...?...yikes. Maybe he needs to think more and not be so impulsive.

Edited October 24, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[bathtub-row]

Is he English? ?

 

Sounds like an ex of mine. You don’t fix this. You can have all the great comebacks, get mad, be nice, be condescending, explain until you’re blue in the face - none of it will make any difference. The truth is, you married before you got to know the guy and you made a huge life change while doing it. As someone else pointed out, you just have to decide if you can live with someone who thrives on putting you and others down.

[MountainGirl111]

Sorry, I just read the part about how this is affecting your libido. Not a good sign, not at all.

 

I've always felt that a person needs to be their self. Be YOU. Love yourself.

 

Absolutely nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself, not at all, but to enter into a relationship and find out he is often trying to improve you and talks down to you? Mmmm. Not good.

 

Libido is often connected to how confident you feel about yourself. If you feel confident you also feel more sexy. So, one of my concerns for you is that this relationship has things in it that are bad for your self esteem...and running down your confidence.