Painful Distancing from Close Female Friend

[gentleguy]

Hi all,

 

Really need your help.

 

Posting in General because this is a complex issue and I'm not sure where else to post it.

 

(Short version: close friendship with a woman I met online, she love-bombed me during our first face to face meeting; on my invite, she joined an organisation I work for, even closer and more intense friendship developed, I confessed I was struggling with inappropriate feelings of infatuation with her. She since jerked away and has severed all personal connection with me, and keeps the work connection to a minimum. This has led to me emotionally bleeding out, and my mental and physical health deteriorating rapidly. I need her to take down her barriers, OR leave the organisation. Excruciating pain to have her there partially present at work while having completely rejected me personally.)

 

Longer version:

 

I've known a lovely woman via Facebook for 6 years, and over this time, we've become good friends, and have been aware of a strong energy connection between us. Lots of shared values, mutual respect for each other's intelligence and capabilities, and very similar sense of humour - outrageous and often dark. We did a number of short projects together, interacting only via phone, email and Skype, and these were highly successful.

 

We are both in long term marriages, but with partners who don't meet all our needs. So we have always related on a premise of friendship.

 

Three months ago she asked me to meet with her on Skype to give her advice on business strategy. I suggested driving to meet her in her own city and she accepted. However, when I arrived, she was there half-drunk from an earlier lunch date and in no state to talk serious business. I suggested we go for drinks ourselves, which she eagerly accepted.

 

Over a couple of wines, we had an amazing 3 hours together, and it felt (and still feels) like we forged/discovered a deep soul connection. On looking back, it feels like she extensively love-bombed me, frequently touching and cuddling me.

 

In the weeks after that meeting, we drew closer on Messenger, Skype and phone, sharing more personal issues and giving each other much emotional and mental support. She invited me to a party for a major birthday she was planning, and gave me open invites to meet with her family.

 

I also invited her to take up a senior role in an organisation I run, and her collaboration has inspired me powerfully, and the organisation has benefited hugely from this.

 

In her personal sharing with me, she admitted the earlier lunch date was with a man she herself had fallen in love with, and that she later had a brief sexual and romantic affair with him, before making the painful decision to break that up. She is also intent on keeping that affair a secret from her husband.

 

This made me realise that when she and I met, she was in this place of romantic rapture, which contributed to her love-bombing me and blasting through my walls right to my heart.

 

During a sleepless night, I drank a bit too much and messaged her saying I felt she had love-bombed me and that I was now struggling with the feeling that I was in love with her.

 

The very next day, she cancelled all the invites she had given me, and said that she felt "unsafe" having anyone close to her who felt "an added layer of affection" for her.

 

Since then, she has scaled back her work with me, and cut off all personal communication. She still honours Skype meeting appointments, but in all her other work with me, she backs off and does as little as possible. She lets emails from me pile up for 2-3 days, then answers all messages with one-liners.

 

This has left me in a state of indescribable torment, to the point where I have lost my main source of income. In many other major areas of life, I'm failing. Overall, I've been an absolute mess. Waking up at 2 or 3 every morning. Crashing into deep depression and anxiety.

 

The only area I'm succeeding is with this organisation where she is on the board with me. In that venture, I'm excelling.

 

It torments me that she is still hovering around my work environment, but in any personal dealings, it feels like she wears a haz-mat suit and keeps me strictly at arms length.

 

What I want is (best case) she takes down some barriers and works with me towards a reconciliation of close friendship, or (second best case) she quits the organisation without me having to ask her, and vacates my life completely so I can grieve her out properly and move on, without it feeling like some wound constantly re-opening and re-infecting.

 

It appalls me that someone has managed to get to me so much. At an emotional level, it feels like she's been like some reckless drunk driver (physically, she's a heavy drinker and drunk-drives often, but excells professionally). She ram-raided her way into my heart, then suddenly flinched and jerked away, tearing off a massive chunk and leaving me to bleed out.

 

My question is, how can I best begin to get over this? She has such deep hooks in me. I am financially dependent on the organisation we're working with, and I am extremely reluctant to leave myself, not only because of the money, but also because my departure would let down a lot of people.

 

Thanks for any help

gentleguy

Edited October 23, 2018 by gentleguy

[MountainGirl111]

I'm sorry for your hurt and pain. It sounds like she only wanted friendship with you or thought she did...anyways, she may have freaked and/or panicked when it got too close. Maybe she needs to "re-think" about having close friendships with men. It always has a potential of getting into intimate territory.

 

Forgive me for saying this, but it kind of sounds like you are placing the blame on her for how you feel.

 

At any rate, each of you are married and not to each other....so the BEST thing to do is focus on your marriage and if you have kids...focus on them; focus on your family.

 

It always stands for it to be possible to become intimate with someone you shouldn't. Who is to blame? I try not to judge anyone who gets into an emotional affair. Women in particular tend to have greater emotional needs than men do. But, I think men have emotional and intellectual needs too....you are she were meeting a certain need in one another; perhaps a need your spouses are not meeting. I don't know the answer to that.

 

In the meantime, put on your armour to protect yourself when she is around. You can do this. It doesn't have to end in disaster for yourself.

[Mr. Lucky]

What I want is (best case) she takes down some barriers and works with me towards a reconciliation of close friendship, or (second best case) she quits the organisation without me having to ask her, and vacates my life completely so I can grieve her out properly and move on, without it feeling like some wound constantly re-opening and re-infecting.

 

It appalls me that someone has managed to get to me so much. At an emotional level, it feels like she's been like some reckless drunk driver (physically, she's a heavy drinker and drunk-drives often, but excells professionally). She ram-raided her way into my heart, then suddenly flinched and jerked away, tearing off a massive chunk and leaving me to bleed out.

 

Wow, dramatic much???

 

Here's your real short version - you put a lot of energy into cheating on your wife and, in playing with fire, got burned. And now you want to blame your chosen AP for your own inability to observe boundaries, understand consequences and be smart enough to know that cheaters lie, manipulate and hurt people, not that it matters to them.

 

From where I sit, you got a cheap but thorough education. Try to put it to better use...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

You are just begging for a sexual harassment or hostile workplace environment lawsuit. You need to put on your big boy pants and stop acting like a child about this. She isn't interested in you. If you fire her, she can easily file suit on you for firing her because she won't date you. She's obviously doing her job well. Be a professional. Go to a therapist so you have someone to blow off steam with, but mainly you need to act like a grown man who is a professional in business. She owes you nothing. She's making your business succeed. If you can't get over it when someone says "no," time to get in therapy and find out why.

[gentleguy]

I'm sorry for your hurt and pain. It Forgive me for saying this, but it kind of sounds like you are placing the blame on her for how you feel.

 

Hi MountainGirl, thanks for your thoughtful reply. I do regret if I'm coming across as blaming, but I feel strongly that this is a situation that we've both had a hand in, and share responsibility for.

 

On her side, she did crash through my boundaries very hard, forged a deep soul connection, then suddenly flinched and tore away.

 

But on my side, I was vulnerable due to chronic issues in my own marriage. For instance, my wife has been very controlling and uncomfortable with me having outside friendships, which has left me with a deep and heart-wrenching loneliness.

 

At an emotional level, I've definitely come off much worse, and am only just now, after nearly 3 months, starting to feel some healing coming through.

 

But, I think men have emotional and intellectual needs too....you are she were meeting a certain need in one another; perhaps a need your spouses are not meeting. I don't know the answer to that.

 

You're right. There's no easy answer, except to negotiate with our respective spouses for some acceptance of outside friendships that meet needs that can't be met within our marriages.

 

For example, my own wife has online friendships with men who connect with her on levels I don't, and I feel fully encouraging and supportive of this.

 

One of the many things I love about this lady, in addition to her idealism and warmth of heart, is her intelligence and insight. My own wife can be very loving (albeit at times quite abusive) but, due to educational disadvantage in her childhood has been stunted in her own intellectual development.

 

In the meantime, put on your armour to protect yourself when she is around. You can do this. It doesn't have to end in disaster for yourself.

 

Right you are again. Mindful observance of boundaries is key.

 

But above all, what I want is an even footing, so it's no longer feeling like I'm leaking out power and life force to her.

[MountainGirl111]

Hi MountainGirl, thanks for your thoughtful reply. I do regret if I'm coming across as blaming, but I feel strongly that this is a situation that we've both had a hand in, and share responsibility for.

 

On her side, she did crash through my boundaries very hard, forged a deep soul connection, then suddenly flinched and tore away.

 

But on my side, I was vulnerable due to chronic issues in my own marriage. For instance, my wife has been very controlling and uncomfortable with me having outside friendships, which has left me with a deep and heart-wrenching loneliness.

 

At an emotional level, I've definitely come off much worse, and am only just now, after nearly 3 months, starting to feel some healing coming through.

 

You're right. There's no easy answer, except to negotiate with our respective spouses for some acceptance of outside friendships that meet needs that can't be met within our marriages.

 

For example, my own wife has online friendships with men who connect with her on levels I don't, and I feel fully encouraging and supportive of this.

 

One of the many things I love about this lady, in addition to her idealism and warmth of heart, is her intelligence and insight. My own wife can be very loving (albeit at times quite abusive) but, due to educational disadvantage in her childhood has been stunted in her own intellectual development.

 

Right you are again. Mindful observance of boundaries is key.

 

But above all, what I want is an even footing, so it's no longer feeling like I'm leaking out power and life force to her.

 

 

Thanks for YOUR thought reply....wow. I'm sorry it sounds like your marriage is challenging, even though she loves you. And it sounds like this "friend" challenges you in OTHER ways, which is why you have liked collaberating with her in your line of work. You say she has a certain "insight"....someone like that can be very charismatic and pulls you toward them like a mind connection or something.

 

I certainly don't blame you for getting involved with her. It in no way makes you a bad person. It is what it is. You have needs and you also have a wife to answer to. Can't always explain these things. If this "other" lady really indeed is a friend, she will want what is best for you. If YOU are indeed a friend, act like a friend, but if it's too hard to be around her it's too hard; again, can't explain it sometimes. It is what is is.

 

I'm sensing that there is this "passion" between the two of you and that can feel so intense, so powerful...but it can have a destructive side to it. It's possible she pulled away because she was afraid of that passion which can feel "unstable". Like a nuclear reactor that's about to blow. No, I'm egxagerating, but I think you get my meaning....

 

So you want even footing, that would be much more healthy. And she probably wants less intensity-which help her feel like there is even footing too. *sigh*. Dang it, why are some things so darn complicated?!

"Does it have to be all or nothing? Is there a middle ground to be had that be better for everyone?

 

Most of the men I have ever been involved with became controlling...they didn't want me to have outside friendships with men. And yet: I do find men refreshing to talk to just as friends. I find that men don't compete with me like women do. I find that many women become cold with me. THAT is a great cause of loneliness for myself. Is it any wonder some folks love dogs?

 

If I were you, I'd tell her just what I have bolded here: You don't want to be leaking out life force. How does a person overcome that? I don't have all the answers for this. I really don't. Perhaps by backing away she was actually trying to do what's best for you....not pull anymore life force out of you.

Edited October 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MountainGirl111]

It always concerns me when I see couples who are not on the same page intellectually. I don't know if I have grounds to be concerned or not. What I've seen happen is that one person feels a lack....because the other person doesn't RELATE well ....So then, that "lack" can certainly lead a person to seek out what they need somewhere, somehow. Someone on the same "plane". Someone who you feel really gets it. I think this is something most all of us need, really. We need someone in our life who "gets it". We need someone who can empathize with us. We need some validation.

 

I think perhaps women forget that men have feelings too. They expect the man to always be tough and they forget that men can have hurt feelings too. I think it's really a disservice to the men out their that they are given messages since birth that they always have to be the strong one, they shouldn't cry, they shouldn't be emotional. They're people too. They can be very vulnerable. My dad was a tough guy. Only saw him cry a few times. But I know that deep down inside him there was a wound from childhood that never healed. May he be resting in peace now.

[Mr. Lucky]

I certainly don't blame you for getting involved with her.

 

Curious MountainGirl111, are you married or in a committed relationship?

 

If so, it's OK with you if your partner actively seeks other women, meets with them and carries on an emotional and physical relationship - all behind your back?

 

Mr. Lucky

[gentleguy]

I really appreciate your empathy and non-judgemental understanding on these issues, MountainGirl.

 

It always concerns me when I see couples who are not on the same page intellectually. I don't know if I have grounds to be concerned or not. What I've seen happen is that one person feels a lack....because the other person doesn't RELATE well ....So then, that "lack" can certainly lead a person to seek out what they need somewhere, somehow. Someone on the same "plane". Someone who you feel really gets it. I think this is something most all of us need, really. We need someone in our life who "gets it". We need someone who can empathize with us. We need some validation.

 

You've really hit the nail on the head. This friend of mine completely gets me intellectually. And everything I throw at her she bats back with sharp precision and humour. That is such an important dimension of companionship that is all too easily undervalued.

 

I had a meeting with her today, and there are strong signs we might be able to get it above board and onto an even footing, out of emotional infidelity territory and into wholesome friendship/professional space.

 

I think perhaps women forget that men have feelings too. They expect the man to always be tough and they forget that men can have hurt feelings too. I think it's really a disservice to the men out their that they are given messages since birth that they always have to be the strong one, they shouldn't cry, they shouldn't be emotional. They're people too. They can be very vulnerable. My dad was a tough guy. Only saw him cry a few times. But I know that deep down inside him there was a wound from childhood that never healed. May he be resting in peace now.

 

That's so sad. I hope you managed to get in some deep quality time with him.

[MountainGirl111]

Thank you. The last time I saw my dad alive he wasn't feeling well and was very cranky because of it. He was in pain and wouldn't take anything for it. It made him hard to be around. His color was bad. I know the "look". But they wouldn't listen to me when I said he should go to a doctor and get checked out. He died suddenly 3 weeks later. So many people were surprised. Sadly, I wasn't. I knew he had a bad color, I just knew it and had a gut feel. I hate when my gut is right sometimes. I also hate it when people blow you off and don't listen. What can I do about that now? Nothing. He died quick and didn't have to spend years in a nursing home, which would have killed his spirit.

[MountainGirl111]

Curious MountainGirl111, are you married or in a committed relationship?

 

If so, it's OK with you if your partner actively seeks other women, meets with them and carries on an emotional and physical relationship - all behind your back?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This thread is not about me, Mr. Lucky. It's about the OP. I just said I don't judge people for it. Actually I have been cheated on before. It's not a good feeling and it ended the relationship, sadly. I couldn't forgive him and he seemed to have no impetus to change into a faithful man. It wasn't a question of whether or not we were on the same page intellectually. It was more a case of him being insecure. I really think that was what led to his cheating. He felt insecure.

Edited October 24, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[Mr. Lucky]

This thread is not about me, Mr. Lucky. It's about the OP. I just said I don't judge people for it.

 

Doesn't seem judgmental to observe that, when you're a married man, relationships with other women fall into a context. The OP's entire post is disingenuous, down to the use of "friend" in the thread title.

 

Hard to complain about your own hurt feelings when you seem to have so little regard for pain you might cause others...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MountainGirl111]

Points well taken Mr. Lucky. Actually, what bothers me moreso than the emotional cheating is that the OP seems to wish some control over this "friend"...who, let's be honest is more than a "friend"....even if it's just emotional intelligence or regular intelligence we are talking about. I certainly think it's possible to just be friends with someone of the opposite sex and still have a healthy marriage.

 

However, OP doesn't seem to have a healthy marriage, which I find sad. It sounds like his wife controls him a lot and may have some sway over his future. If I were the wife of the OP, I'd just as soon not be married anymore than have a false marriage. But, it is what it is. He doesn't sound too happy and that's sad too.

 

There is no way to please two women and still be happy yourself. Something's going to give, I think, unless, of course the lady friend is truly and strictly a friend for intellectual type reasons. Some people check out of marriages and become "married" to other things. Ever heard of football widows or _________ widows? It happens. A lot. Both male or female can become totally wrapped up in something and it may not even be another person; it could be a "THING".....

 

I knew a couple who everyone thought would be together forever, they had so much in common and two great kids, etc. They were each other's musical levels/intelligence levels. Well, when he got to be in his forties, I think he started having a midlife crisis and he had quite the roving eye....that went on for quite a while and everyone noticed it in the circle.....then they split and he remarried to another musician....I think she may have stayed single....*shrug* I don't know, I just find it sad, I guess. I played music with their kids and was so impressed with their talent and skill at such young ages.

Edited October 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

Gentleguy, could I throw out the idea that she didn't love bomb you in that first meet? What you describe sounds exactly like a drunken, touchy feely, emotion fest. I know a number of women who do the same thing when drunk...with their female mates. We even joke that the most supportive place in the world is the bathroom of a bar full of drunken women - everyone telling each other how wonderful and beautiful they are. Albeit, she probably was a bit more touchy because you're male.

 

She's pulled back at work because she knows that a close friendship with you crosses too many boundaries. There is no reason for her to leave, and she should not feel obliged to rebuild the friendship with you.

 

Just carry on being distant and the feelings will fade.

[Mr. Lucky]

I certainly think it's possible to just be friends with someone of the opposite sex and still have a healthy marriage.

 

Agreed. But that's a relationships that happens in front of and includes your spouse, not behind their back...

 

Mr. Lucky

[snowcones]

Oh gentle gentle guy.

 

Oh innocent delicate dove.

 

Tell us how this wretched evil temptress ruined your life?

[Brianbrown]

Yeah! I can understand.

[guest569]

Sad because you cheated on your wife with some woman that wasn't into you, and yet she somehow led you on and tore your heart out. You offered her a job, then confessed that you have inappropriate feelings for her. And wonder why she has backed off. I think you need a reality check and some professional guidance.

[elaine567]

Three months ago she asked me to meet with her on Skype to give her advice on business strategy. I suggested driving to meet her in her own city and she accepted. However, when I arrived, she was there half-drunk from an earlier lunch date and in no state to talk serious business. I suggested we go for drinks ourselves, which she eagerly accepted.

 

Ok, so as she was half drunk you suggested more alcohol???

Then

Over a couple of wines, we had an amazing 3 hours together, and it felt (and still feels) like we forged/discovered a deep soul connection. On looking back, it feels like she extensively love-bombed me, frequently touching and cuddling me.

 

What does that actually mean?

Sex or not?

Edited October 26, 2018 by elaine567

[MountainGirl111]

There are some great books on boundaries. One I read was 'Where You End And I Begin" by Anne Katherine.

 

I've always been aware of boundaries and trying not to get in another person's "space"....realize we're not just talking about physical space, but perhaps emotional and mental space as well. In working relationships it may not be the physical space so much as the mental space. You and she have collaborated as a work centered type of deal. There is always a "risk" so to speak of getting "too close" to anyone whether it be in our professional or personal lives.

 

We need to set healthy boundaries in both. We need to set it with our family members and our friends. This can be tricky at times because we don't want to offend anyone, right? Or hope they don't take it personally when we are just trying to set healthy boundaries.

 

Healthy boundaries with co-workers is important. I've seen co-workers who are also best buds in the workplace and that can be good, but it can also be bad as one co-worker enables the other co-worker to carry on with behaviors that may not be so good.

 

Many people learn healthy boundaries as they grow up from examples in their lives and maybe just a natural "sense" they have. Others don't learn how to form healthy boundaries and what is "too much". Different cultures are different too.

[MountainGirl111]

We are doing boundary work much of the time; whether consciously or unconsciously. If she "invaded" your boundaries, OP while under the influence of chemicals, she likely didn't intentionally do that and may have felt mortified by her behavior. Thus the flinching, jerking away.

 

Everyone has a different sense of proper boundaries...like what one person considers "TMI" another person may not.

 

People who have been sexually abused tend to struggle with healthy boundaries because their boundaries have been so violated. They can be frigid in subsequent intimate relationships or they can be the opposite and open themselves up to whatever.

 

People who are in controlling relationships can also have a skewed sense of healthy boundaries. This often starts in childhood with controlling parents and can carry on into adulthood. People who have been in controlling intimate relationships as well, can have a hard time setting healthy boundaries with others because when someone is "controlled" the boundaries are often controlled as well. If the main thing a person knows in their life is "control", that is likely how they are going to approach various relationships.

 

On the RECEIVING end of someone trying to set a boundary with myself, for example, I need to not take it personally as best as possible; understand that I don't know everything about their background and the fact of matter that I have to respect their boundaries, whether I understand it or not. In many cases, I may not understand where they're coming from and will never understand as they may not be able to tell me. So that's what I'm left with. In some cases there is a natural boundary that has already been established and it's a matter of knowing what that boundary is.

.

I have some family members who tend to become enmeshed with each other and one of them has a hard time saying "No." when "No." would be the healthiest option for her. I have another close family member, however, who is very GOOD at saying "No.". She is a pretty good example to me in that regard. My mom is pretty good at saying no to some people while with other people she is not and has gotten burned by others taking advantage of her kindness....

Edited October 27, 2018 by MountainGirl111