My bf is still married

[murphyross]

My bf left his wife for me a year ago. We were very happy at first but now we always argue and he would distance himself from me especially if I bring up marriage. He would not legally divorce his wife and that bothers me. I tried changing my prof pic to a couple pic of us so that his wife will get the message. I even outed us in social media but his wife seemed not to care.

 

We are open to a select group of friends (they are more MY group of friends) but we don't have the luxury to really go OUT in public and be with his friends and family. I even left my longtime job and helped him with his dental practice. I moved to a different state so that i can be with him. I just want a normal relationship with him and I'm scared that he will cheat on me or worse, go back to his wife. What will I do?

Edited October 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to OM/OW

[bmh]

What proof do you have that he has actually left his wife?

[murphyross]

What proof do you have that he has actually left his wife?

they had a fight when his wife caught us the second time.

he ended things with her and left their residence. He is with me ever since.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.....

 

Does your boyfriend live independently? If yes, have you visited him at his domicile and how would you characterize it? Does he look 'settled'?

 

You mentioned being in public..... do you go out on normal dates and/or participate in public activities as you would with any other date?

 

IMO, if he's not filing for divorce, accept that and start dating other men, ones who can make a commitment to you.

 

Big picture there are no guarantees in life, even if he were divorced. People get back together all the time. Anything is possible.

 

On a positive note, one longtime MW I've known for now 35 years exit affaired with her MM after becoming his office manager at his business, leveraged that into a 'can't live without her' position there and they've now been together for close to 20 years. Business is still successful and they started living together and bought a house about ten years ago. Well done. However she was a pro at infidelity. Knew how to play men.

[murphyross]

Welcome to LS.....

 

Does your boyfriend live independently? If yes, have you visited him at his domicile and how would you characterize it? Does he look 'settled'?

 

You mentioned being in public..... do you go out on normal dates and/or participate in public activities as you would with any other date?

 

<snip>.

no he went back to his parents place.

 

we usually go out at night..go to nightclubs, enjoying the night life..we don't go to places where other people can see us (except for our circle of friends). it has to be somewhere remote or places where his wife, family and friends wouldn't frequent in. we went to a popular mall one time, and one of his old friends saw us. we immediately separated to avoid gossip.

Edited October 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Amethyst68]

You say you tried to change your profile picture to a couple picture - I take it he didn't approve?

 

 

What happened when you outed your relationship in social media?

 

 

Honestly? I think your MM may be separated but is doing his damndest to get back home to his wife. If not there would be no reason why he is trying to hide his relationship with you.

 

 

 

One last question, if he lives with parents are you welcome there? Can you just pop round when you feel like it to visit him? Or does he use the excuse that their loyalties are still with his ex to keep you away?

[murphyross]

You say you tried to change your profile picture to a couple picture - I take it he didn't approve?

 

 

What happened when you outed your relationship in social media?

 

 

Honestly? I think your MM may be separated but is doing his damndest to get back home to his wife. If not there would be no reason why he is trying to hide his relationship with you.

 

 

 

One last question, if he lives with parents are you welcome there? Can you just pop round when you feel like it to visit him? Or does he use the excuse that their loyalties are still with his ex to keep you away?

I don't think he knows, he never commented. i chose the social media where his wife is active in; that's where i posted the couple prof pic. For the rest, my prof pic is just a solo pic.

 

I'm actually careful when i post pics of us together. others approve but there are some who called my attention bec he and wife are not legally separated yet, she might use it against me.

 

he said that his wife never communicated with him anymore even if it is something important like their properties or any financial matters. he thinks she blocked him.

 

i am not sure if his parents know about me. maybe they suspect it now. before, when his wife caught us my bf tried his best to make his wife look crazy and jealous to his parents and siblings. he never admitted about us; he just told his family that we are just close friends. he made his wife look bad to everyone.

[carhill]

So, how often does he spend the night at your place? Take you on dates?

[murphyross]

So, how often does he spend the night at your place? Take you on dates?

his parents know that he is very busy so he can just leave their house anytime he wants to. if ever he wants to spend the night or we go on vacations he just tells them that he has to attend a conference or whatever. his parents are very gullible.

[bmh]

IME it sounds like his wife likely kicked him out, not that he left willingly. He is hiding you from his (ex)wife and also from his parents. He is lying to them when he is with you. I assume you are ok with that but I have to ask why? I will agree with some others that he may be separated but is trying his hardest to win back the wife which is why you are still very much a secret. It’s been a year. Tell him to s**t or get off the pot. Sorry you find yourself here.

[elaine567]

they had a fight when his wife caught us the second time.

he ended things with her and left their residence. He is with me ever since.

 

So essentially his wife threw him out after D day #2.

He is staying with his parents and you are still the "dirty secret" he keeps away from friends and family.

 

it has to be somewhere remote or places where his wife, family and friends wouldn't frequent in. we went to a popular mall one time, and one of his old friends saw us. we immediately separated to avoid gossip.

 

Sorry but this does not look good for you. YOU could waste years here "waiting" ... and most likely for nothing at all.

Yes, he could definitely go back to his wife, I would even guess he is actively trying to get her back., many in the situation you describe, are doing just that, whilst stringing the OW along.

He did not leave FOR you, he left because he had no option and he is not declaring you loud and proud, he is hiding you away and denying your existence in his life to everyone important to him. You are not his gf, you are still the OW, sorry to say.

when his wife caught us my bf tried his best to make his wife look crazy and jealous to his parents and siblings. he never admitted about us; he just told his family that we are just close friends. he made his wife look bad to everyone.

- this is called "gaslighting" Google it

.

I know you probably won't listen but dump him is my advice. OWs on this forum have wasted years of their life with guys like this, for eventually him to go back to his wife, for him to get a real gf whilst he keeps her as his OW, or for him to dump her unceremoniously when a new OW/gf appears on the scene... etc. etc.

Fairy tales rarely happen and usually not with guys like this..

Don't "wait" for a second longer.

[bmh]

he said that his wife never communicated with him anymore even if it is something important like their properties or any financial matters. he thinks she blocked him.

 

Rule number one of dating a MM, you never believe anything they say about their wife. Look up some threads here and “rewriting history”

.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry, you committed to a man who is clearly not prepared to commit to you. Perhaps, it's time to reconsider unless you want this to continue, indefinitely. It doesn't sound like he is prepared to change things - regardless of how much you pressure him to do so.

 

I doubt this will ever be a "normal" relationship for you. For you to even have that expectation is very naive.

 

You need to prepare yourself for the fact that he probably cheat on you or go back to his wife. It's what these guys tend to do... read some more posts here and you will see that.

 

The big lesson to learn here, married men don't make great "boyfriends."

Edited October 24, 2018 by BaileyB

[carhill]

I'm perpetually surprised and intrigued by how many married men and women get together in affairs, considering most understand very well how marriage and commitment and romance goes, given they're married and done all that stuff.

 

In the case of my story, the MM left his marital home and rented a place a short distance from his parent's ranch and the MW first got onto the premises by managing the financial end of the business, the books, and since the assets and equipment were there, she was there all the time and over time spent more nights there, eventually giving up her apartment, which was about the time I caught up with her, and moving into the ranch house with MM, by that time he was divorced about a year. Then they bought another property and moved the business there. Exit affair to shared ownership and lives took about ten years. Both had children, his were minors, hers were adults. I never met his kids but knew hers both when young and as adults.

 

I remember standing in for him once at a political fundraiser when his parents and MW being there. Smart guy. He knew his parents wouldn't attack the MW with me there. They were civilized, to a degree anyway. He was off making money. That's how life works. It's all about power.

 

OP, here's a thought on that angle. When your MM files for divorce, or his wife does, he loses power. Right now he has his toes in two pools. He has the power of choice. One or both of you can take that away from him. Even if he and his wife are on the outs, she still wants something from him or she'd have filed for divorce. Can't read her mind about what it is but am sure she wants something. They always have a plan.

 

On this forum, you'll generally find a dichotomy of advice on separated people. Almost unanimously you'll be advised to never date a separated man; not nearly so unanimously a separated woman. Generally it's postulated that way because women know what they're doing and when they're done they're done and men are pretty much rudderless and easily swayed by sex and feminine wiles. No surprise since men are a marked minority on this site. Majority rules here.

 

Biggest lesson I learned during the MW years was to view them only as one dating option of many. Single women were preferred if/when available. Hence my advice to date other men, single ones, as balance and for comparison. The most compatible and healthy potential companion will rise to the top.

[Artdeco]

He clearly doesn’t know what he wants.

After a year of desperation, why doesn’t he have his own place by now? If he felt secure with his decision to get a D, he would by now have his own place to live, or he would at least look for a place to live, or he would’ve moved in with you, or at least tried to talk to you about moving in, or at least about the timeline. Or something.

 

He is hiding you? Not cool. Whatever his motivations are (getting W back, buying himself more time, .......), you’re not included much in his plans. Even if he’s conflicted and confused (normal after a separation, even though after a full year he should at least have some definitive plans in place), I would expect some clear statements from him on what his plans are, where you, his GF, stand in the picture, what your relationship looks like in his mind, etc etc ....... and even then it’s just words, but words are better than nothing. As I see it, you don’t even have a basis for negotiating things abt your R with him ....... depending on how old you are and what you want in life, this R could potentially be a huge time waster. And you said you moved for him! Oh my.

 

I think an honest conversation is in order, and long overdue. This might be uncomfortable and not get you the results you’d hope for, but this limbo can’t be better than any outcome that a clear, open, honest discussion may bring, whichever way it may go.

Edited October 24, 2018 by Artdeco

[murphyross]

IME it sounds like his wife likely kicked him out, not that he left willingly. He is hiding you from his (ex)wife and also from his parents. He is lying to them when he is with you. I assume you are ok with that but I have to ask why? I will agree with some others that he may be separated but is trying his hardest to win back the wife which is why you are still very much a secret. It’s been a year. Tell him to s**t or get off the pot. Sorry you find yourself here.

No, he really left his wife for me. His wife wanted to work things out but he chose me. i suspect that he still communicates with his wife but she blocked him already. he would have left me already if she forgave him. and whenever i open up marriage he gets irritated and distances away from me.

[murphyross]

his wife wanted to work things out but i pressured him so he chose me.

[Starswillshine]

No, he really left his wife for me. His wife wanted to work things out but he chose me. i suspect that he still communicates with his wife but she blocked him already. he would have left me already if she forgave him. and whenever i open up marriage he gets irritated and distances away from me.

 

If he left her for you, he would not return if she forgave him.

[murphyross]

He clearly doesn’t know what he wants.

After a year of desperation, why doesn’t he have his own place by now? If he felt secure with his decision to get a D, he would by now have his own place to live, or he would at least look for a place to live, or he would’ve moved in with you, or at least tried to talk to you about moving in, or at least about the timeline. Or something.

 

He is hiding you? Not cool. Whatever his motivations are (getting W back, buying himself more time, .......), you’re not included much in his plans. Even if he’s conflicted and confused (normal after a separation, even though after a full year he should at least have some definitive plans in place), I would expect some clear statements from him on what his plans are, where you, his GF, stand in the picture, what your relationship looks like in his mind, etc etc ....... and even then it’s just words, but words are better than nothing. As I see it, you don’t even have a basis for negotiating things abt your R with him ....... depending on how old you are and what you want in life, this R could potentially be a huge time waster. And you said you moved for him! Oh my.

 

I think an honest conversation is in order, and long overdue. This might be uncomfortable and not get you the results you’d hope for, but this limbo can’t be better than any outcome that a clear, open, honest discussion may bring, whichever way it may go.

his mother would not let him have his own place bec she suspects about me. i think she wants to have a close eye on him. i can't lose him. he is the bet boyfriend i have. i invested so much already. my friends know him. my family knows him. i can't lose him, he chose me.

[murphyross]

i checked. his wife blocked everyone even his family bec they took his side. they believed him. his wife would not take him back. more so that i posted our couple profile pic.

[Starswillshine]

his mother would not let him have his own place bec she suspects about me. i think she wants to have a close eye on him. i can't lose him. he is the bet boyfriend i have. i invested so much already. my friends know him. my family knows him. i can't lose him, he chose me.

 

He's a grown man. He doesnt have to listen to his mother.

 

It doesnt sound like he is choosing you. It sounds like he is keeping all options open.

[carhill]

The parents controlling the husband indicates a different, likely non-US, culture. Is this sort of process by married people splitting up common in your culture?

[Artdeco]

he would have left me already if she forgave him

 

Why are you saying this? Do you believe that?

[bathtub-row]

I’ll bet his wife is wondering why you don’t get the message. And what makes you think she’s the reason the divorce hasn’t happened? Because he’s telling you that?

 

He’s not your bf, you’re his mistress. You should have never changed your life for him until his divorce was final. Big mistake. The question is is, what do you plan to do s our it? Are you going to keep trying to coerce him and argue with him, or are you going to bow out until he fixes it?

[murphyross]

though our culture is westernized there are still some who are very obedient to their parents. they dont want to risk hurting their parents; some are still heavily emotionally bonded to them.