Artdeco Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 He's a grown man. He doesnt have to listen to his mother. It doesnt sound like he is choosing you. It sounds like he is keeping all options open. It does. And he uses his “mother” as an excuse on top of that. OP, please forgive my harsh words, but you sound very naive. You’re either very young, or very inexperienced, or both. His excuses are ridiculous. Unless, like carhill says, he’s from a different cultural background. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphyross Posted October 24, 2018 Author Share Posted October 24, 2018 I’ll bet his wife is wondering why you don’t get the message. And what makes you think she’s the reason the divorce hasn’t happened? Because he’s telling you that? He’s not your bf, you’re his mistress. You should have never changed your life for him until his divorce was final. Big mistake. The question is is, what do you plan to do s our it? Are you going to keep trying to coerce him and argue with him, or are you going to bow out until he fixes it? i dont want to give him up. i am still hoping that he will change his mind and divorce her and that we will get married. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 i dont want to give him up. i am still hoping that he will change his mind and divorce her and that we will get married. You’re actually worsening things by staying with him. Besides, why do you want to be with a man that you had to coerce into being with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphyross Posted October 24, 2018 Author Share Posted October 24, 2018 It does. And he uses his “mother” as an excuse on top of that. OP, please forgive my harsh words, but you sound very naive. You’re either very young, or very inexperienced, or both. His excuses are ridiculous. Unless, like carhill says, he’s from a different cultural background. he complains to me about her. tells me how unhappy he is with her. i left my boyfriend for him. he spoils me and our friends. he is doing really well. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 he complains to me about her. tells me how unhappy he is with her. i left my boyfriend for him. he spoils me and our friends. he is doing really well. So what you have is his words... And his money???? My WH threw around both of those, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphyross Posted October 24, 2018 Author Share Posted October 24, 2018 i dont know what to know but i know i cannot lose him. i want us to be normal. i have him and not his wife. he is in a relationshp with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 i dont know what to know but i know i cannot lose him. i want us to be normal. i have him and not his wife. he is in a relationshp with me. But it sounds like he wants his wife, too. There is a reason you are being hidden. He isnt with his wife because she tossed him out. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 So what you have is his words... And his money???? My WH threw around both of those, too. She doesn’t even have his word, or a promise for “more”. Talk is cheap. We all know that. Although, as I always say, divorce is hard, and it takes TIME! So usually I tend to cut separated people some slack. But this guy doesn’t even talk about anything, no! He withdraws when she tries to discuss their future. That’s just disrespectful, and on top of that, the OP has no place in his life (hiding from friends and family, etc). All VERY bad signs IMO. Keep in mind that I’m not usually one to condemn As, and IMHO Rs based on As CAN work for some, but this situation is beyond questionable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphyross Posted October 24, 2018 Author Share Posted October 24, 2018 he isn't with his wife because he chose me. he is happier with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 he isn't with his wife because he chose me. he is happier with me. So, would you like any advice, or are you just here to vent? Both is legit, just let people know. Because: It’s hard to deliver opinions/advice if all you reply with is one-liners (“but he loves me, he left her for me, he wants to be with me, I can’t lose him”, Blabla bla.....) ...... if you want various opinions from forum members, you should at least answer concrete questions with (more or less) specific replies, elaborate a little more on the circumstances, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 (edited) he isn't with his wife because he chose me. he is happier with me. Doesn't sound like he's so happy. It also sounds like he didn't leave his wife voluntarily and if she would take him back- he'd go. This was your main concern in your first post- that he'll cheat on you and/or go back to his wife. You write about how he'd go back to his wife if he had the chance and then you say he prefers you over her. Both of those statements cannot possibly be true. You're in complete denial and making irrational decisions and not thinking clearly because you want things to work so badly. I know you uprooted yourself, made some major changes in your life to be with him including moving far away from everything and everyone you know and to undo all of that is scary but you should start thinking about it being a possibility. Edited October 24, 2018 by Normm Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 i dont know what to know but i know i cannot lose him. i want us to be normal. i have him and not his wife. he is in a relationshp with me. Ok, if you want things to be normal, then act like they are normal. Walk around confident that he’s your guy, that you’re content with the way things are, and stop talking to him about marrying you, about his marriage, his divorce, and get off of Facebook making painfully obvious attempts at proving he’s yours. Just listen to him when he complains without interjecting comments about what you think he should do or how he should respond. Just listen and say something like ‘I’m really sorry you’re going through this’, or ‘Man, that’s a tough one’. Leave him alone about it and he’ll love you even more because he’ll see that you trust him to work it out on his own. You’ve made it abundantly clear to him what you want. Now be quiet about it and stop trying to manipulate everyone around you. Men really resent it when women act like their mommies. Be his supportive lover and you’ll be amazed at how much calmer things will become. You simply cannot win by being immature and possessive. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 i dont know what to know but i know i cannot lose him. i want us to be normal. i have him and not his wife. he is in a relationshp with me. This is not a win though. This cheating, married man is no prize. Do they have children together? If so, she will ALWAYS be in his life - and always in your life. There will be nothing normal about this relationship... you are WAY too late for that... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 I tried changing my prof pic to a couple pic of us so that his wife will get the message. I even outed us in social media but his wife seemed not to care. Does he know you did that? Link to post Share on other sites
bmh Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 (edited) No, he really left his wife for me. His wife wanted to work things out but he chose me. i suspect that he still communicates with his wife but she blocked him already. he would have left me already if she forgave him. and whenever i open up marriage he gets irritated and distances away from me. Are you saying if his wife forgave him and wanted to reconcile you are certain he would go back to her? You also say in your original thread you are worried he may return to his wife. But then you go to say “oh he chose me, he’s happier with me” so which is it?? Are you scared he will return or confident he won’t? His actions are showing you one thing while his words show you another. This is one of those times where you have to seriously think about the outcome here and be stronger than your feelings. You asked us “what will I do” we are trying to point you in the right direction based on experience and what others have witnessed here. Edited October 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 his wife wanted to work things out but i pressured him so he chose me. If he truly chose you, he wouldn't hide your relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 You're rather attached to another woman's husband--and the truth of the matter is: she doesn't have to get out of your way so you can have him. Legally, that's her husband and she doesn't have to end her marriage if she doesn't want to. He can say whatever he wishes about her, but nothing removes the fact that he's legally married to her, you are his rebound affair partner and rebounds rarely ever work out. Let an accident happen to him and you're going to see really fast just what you do not have with him. His wife will show up at the hospital and tell them not to let you on the floor to see him and they will follow her instructions because SHE'S GOT LEGAL STANDING AND YOU DON'T. Now, you're afraid he's going to cheat on you because he cheated with you to be with you--so it's already in his nature to cheat and people don't stray too far from their natural way of being.. So much for that "prize" of a man you got there. A man who wants to move on acts like it. He doesn't live at his parents for years on end, he doesn't allow his mother to run his life, he doesn't hide what he is doing. In fact, he will take on the attitude of "yeah I did it!" and takes his buttwhippin' for his actions like an adult. He doesn't hide behind his parents and behind lies he tells on his wife because he drove her to distraction with his actions. his mother would not let him have his own place Excuse me?!?!?!?!? What!?!?!?! "Let him"? What do you mean "let him"? How old is he? 9? What a colossal mess... Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 You're rather attached to another woman's husband--and the truth of the matter is: she doesn't have to get out of your way so you can have him. Legally, that's her husband and she doesn't have to end her marriage if she doesn't want to. He can say whatever he wishes about her, but nothing removes the fact that he's legally married to her, you are his rebound affair partner and rebounds rarely ever work out. Actually, the wife would have no choice if the husband filed for divorce. She doesn’t get to refuse the divorce. It’s not optional. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Legally, that's her husband and she doesn't have to end her marriage if she doesn't want to. That might be true in a "fault" state where, in order to proceed with divorce first there must be a trial to determine if there is grounds for it. Nowadays? To my knowledge there are no longer any "fault" states or countries for that matter. Possibly with the exception being some 3rd world countries. If one party wants out, then they can file for divorce and it will be granted. Red tape and a ton of legal fees not withstanding. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 That might be true in a "fault" state where, in order to proceed with divorce first there must be a trial to determine if there is grounds for it. Nowadays? To my knowledge there are no longer any "fault" states or countries for that matter. Possibly with the exception being some 3rd world countries. If one party wants out, then they can file for divorce and it will be granted. Red tape and a ton of legal fees not withstanding. The MM isnt ending his marriage, OP is hoping BS will. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 The MM isnt ending his marriage, OP is hoping BS will. Yes I got that part, thanks. I was just responding to a poster who was under the mistaken belief that a person can stay married even if their partner wants a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Do you think hes back in bed with her? she wont back off as she loves him and owes u nothing. same goes for u with her. Im the other woman. i dont care i do what i want Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 (edited) My bf left his wife for me a year ago. We were very happy at first but now we always argue and he would distance himself from me especially if I bring up marriage. He would not legally divorce his wife and that bothers me. I tried changing my prof pic to a couple pic of us so that his wife will get the message. I even outed us in social media but his wife seemed not to care. We are open to a select group of friends (they are more MY group of friends) but we don't have the luxury to really go OUT in public and be with his friends and family. I even left my longtime job and helped him with his dental practice. I moved to a different state so that i can be with him. I just want a normal relationship with him and I'm scared that he will cheat on me or worse, go back to his wife. What will I do? When I want a normal relationship I always opt for people who will cheat on their spouse with me so I can remain afraid they will cheat on me or go back to their spouse. That is what normal is all about. Or it is way past time for you to drop this smuck. Edited October 25, 2018 by Simple Logic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphyross Posted October 25, 2018 Author Share Posted October 25, 2018 Does he know you did that? I dont think so. He never commented. He is not active in that particular site. Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphyross Posted October 25, 2018 Author Share Posted October 25, 2018 She doesn’t even have his word, or a promise for “more”. Talk is cheap. We all know that. Although, as I always say, divorce is hard, and it takes TIME! So usually I tend to cut separated people some slack. But this guy doesn’t even talk about anything, no! He withdraws when she tries to discuss their future. That’s just disrespectful, and on top of that, the OP has no place in his life (hiding from friends and family, etc). All VERY bad signs IMO. Keep in mind that I’m not usually one to condemn As, and IMHO Rs based on As CAN work for some, but this situation is beyond questionable. One of the things that attracted me to him is that He seems so secure. He is there when i need him. He takes charge and knows what to do. He says the right things, makes me feel safe. I think he likes that he feels needed. He said that his wife is too independent. We do go out. We do attend weddings, bday parties etc but it is more my circle than his. I am the one who introduced him to my friends and to learn how to have fun. He used to be so serious and do unexciting and routinary things with his wife. They dont have children. Which is convenient for me. He does not have an excuse to have to talk to his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
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