Author murphyross Posted October 25, 2018 Author Share Posted October 25, 2018 Doesn't sound like he's so happy. It also sounds like he didn't leave his wife voluntarily and if she would take him back- he'd go. This was your main concern in your first post- that he'll cheat on you and/or go back to his wife. You write about how he'd go back to his wife if he had the chance and then you say he prefers you over her. Both of those statements cannot possibly be true. You're in complete denial and making irrational decisions and not thinking clearly because you want things to work so badly. I know you uprooted yourself, made some major changes in your life to be with him including moving far away from everything and everyone you know and to undo all of that is scary but you should start thinking about it being a possibility. I do want us to work out. I invested and sacrificied a lot in this rel. i have to endure the gossip of others and society about me being a mistress. This is the first time i have been one. I’ve had longterm relationships before with single men but it wasnt really happy relationships. One constantly cheated on me, another one physically hits me, i lived with one who has so many debts that i am the one who gets to pay for all our basic and daily needs. I get attached. I would rather be in a particular situation rather than lose that person. I left my ex bf for this MM. they used to be friends. I also know the MM’s wife. We double dated one time. This MM does not hit me, as far as i know did not cheat on me, he treats me well when it comes to material needs. He has a good job and i feel that people and our friends are impressed with him. Though we argue and he talks down to me sometimes, it is a far cry from what i have been through with my exes. I just feel pressured by our society bec being the OW is still quite taboo here. Yes i think what im feeling is insecurity. Though he chose me i still feel his wife is better bec she is independent and she has his family name. Maybe that is ehy i have to resort to social media in proving my place with the MM. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 One of the things that attracted me to him is that He seems so secure. I think he likes that he feels needed. He said that his wife is too independent. He is secure? He had an affair with another woman and was so conflict avoidant that he didn't tell his wife or ask for a divorce. When she learned the truth, she left him, she kicked him out, and he still hides you away like a dirty secret. He lives with his mommy... a woman who won't "let him" move out and who he lies to when he stays with you and tells her that he is at a "conference." That's not a man. That's a boy. You want a caregiver, a provider to keep you safe and make you feel secure. He is also using you to feel secure, to stroke his ego and boost his self esteem. He is not secure. He is an insecure, conflict avoidant man. His wife was too independent - darn right she was independent, she saw him as the lying, cheating, insecure man that he is and she has kicked him to the curb. Yet - he still wants her because he won't file for divorce. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 I do want us to work out. I invested and sacrificied a lot in this rel. The term "don't throw good money after bad" applies here. I just feel pressured by our society bec being the OW is still quite taboo here. That's because most people think the sanctity and commitment of marriage should not be broken by one of the two spouses going and having sex with a third party. Imagine that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 I’ve had longterm relationships before with single men but it wasnt really happy relationships. One constantly cheated on me, another one physically hits me, i lived with one who has so many debts that i am the one who gets to pay for all our basic and daily needs. I get attached. Though we argue and he talks down to me sometimes, it is a far cry from what i have been through with my exes. Ah, so you have a history of abusive relationships. This one is no different if he talks down to you, argues with you, and withdraws from you when you have a conflict. Would you consider counselling? You have a lot to learn about self worth and what to expect in a healthy relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 I just feel pressured by our society bec being the OW is still quite taboo here. I don't feel judgment for the fact that you are an OW here as much as I feel like you are very naive, and he is taking advantage of your nativity. I feel like you are going to get very hurt in this relationship, it is only a matter of time. We are all trying to warn you - get out now before you get hurt more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphyross Posted October 25, 2018 Author Share Posted October 25, 2018 Is it stupid to hope that he would really leave her and be with me? Does it not count that he is with me and not with her? That he left her for me? Is it normal to throw our affair to his wife’s face? That i would be nasty to her? Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Is it stupid to hope that he would really leave her and be with me? Does it not count that he is with me and not with her? That he left her for me? Is it normal to throw our affair to his wife’s face? That i would be nasty to her? Yes. No. No. No. No. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Is it normal to throw our affair to his wife’s face? That i would be nasty to her? Do you really want to be this person? How would you feel if someone did this to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphyross Posted October 25, 2018 Author Share Posted October 25, 2018 Yes. No. No. No. No. For the rest of the OW here, what stopped you to flaunt the affair to the wife? Is it bad to mark my territory? Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 For the rest of the OW here, what stopped you to flaunt the affair to the wife? Is it bad to mark my territory? Until he files for divorce, he isnt your territory. He didn't leave his wife. You are getting him be default. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Is it bad to mark my territory? He's not your territory. The ring on his finger (if he wears it) and the marriage certificate on file with the state says you're trespassing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 For the rest of the OW here, what stopped you to flaunt the affair to the wife? Is it bad to mark my territory? Are you a dog? It's called basic human kindness. And self respect - you need some. A woman with self respect would not need to flaunt anything in front of another woman. She would not have to steel another woman's husband. And, she would not allow him to hide her away like a dirty secret. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Are you a dog? It's called basic human kindness. And self respect - you need some. A woman with self respect would not need to flaunt anything in front of another woman. She would not have to steel another woman's husband. And, she would not allow him to hide her away like a dirty secret. Hard to argue with this. If you don't respect his marriage, and you don't respect yourself, how do you expect him, or anyone else, to respect YOU? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 He's not your territory. The ring on his finger (if he wears it) and the marriage certificate on file with the state says you're trespassing. Touche. Well said. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Is it stupid to hope that he would really leave her and be with me? Does it not count that he is with me and not with her? That he left her for me? Is it normal to throw our affair to his wife’s face? That i would be nasty to her? Throw it in her face?? I know of many affairs mine included but nobody ever has felt the need to throw anything in the betrayed spouse’s face. Me included. Why is that necessary? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Is it normal to throw our affair to his wife’s face? That i would be nasty to her? Good grief. Read that over, OP, very slowly. She's his wife. You are the intruder here, you are the outsider. The fact that he hides you says it all. Don't you feel the least bit of disgust with the situation? With him? With yourself? This is so very unhealthy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 For the rest of the OW here, what stopped you to flaunt the affair to the wife? Is it bad to mark my territory? I never flaunted anything to anyone, let alone his now xW. I didn’t have to. I didn’t feel the need to. People do that when they’re insecure. If they feel secure, they don’t act maliciously, because they don’t feel threatened and scared. If you did not feel threatened, you would not have to act out and do things that seem irrational, such as taking ridiculous steps in order to “mark your territory”. Which btw, 1) won’t work, and 2) the intention of which is completely obvious to everybody, especially to the “target” aka his wife. Therefore, by doing this you’re shooting yourself in your own foot, because your desperation will be quite clear to her, and to him you’ll appear less attractive. So my advice is to do either nothing, or to tell him what your expectations are, in clear words. Once. No more. Done. No hinting. No game playing. No marking territories, no social media stalking, no passive aggressive posting of pictures, and no other crazy things. It screams insecurity, and it’s unattractive. It’s also a breeding ground for being ridiculed. You must grow up! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Is it stupid to hope that he would really leave her and be with me? Does it not count that he is with me and not with her? That he left her for me? Is it normal to throw our affair to his wife’s face? That i would be nasty to her? He is not with you. The more you say, the more it sounds like the separation was his wife's doing, not his. Being nasty to her says everything about you, and nothing about her. He hasn't filed for divorce because he doesn't want a divorce. When I was an OW, the last thing I wanted was for his wife to know. Pleas get some help to figure out why you are willing to accept so little. Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphyross Posted October 27, 2018 Author Share Posted October 27, 2018 Ok. I am the other woman. I have been with my married boyfriend for almost a yr now. He left his wife for me but now i found out that he is making a fake account and is trying to follow his wife in social media even after she blocked him and his family years ago. We had a huge fight about this. He tried to deny following her but i got a hold of his ipad and found the evidence. Why is he still curious with his wife? Is he not happy with me anymore? Should i not be enough for him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphyross Posted October 27, 2018 Author Share Posted October 27, 2018 We had a huge fight. I caught him making a fake account and trying to follow his wife in social media even though she blocked him and his family yrs ago. He even tried to lie about it but the evidence is in his ipad. Why is he still curious with her? Is he regretting his decision? Or is he just merely curious about how she is doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 I don't want to hurt you but I'm going to be blunt - IMO the only person who thinks they're in a relationship is you. If you look at the facts you've given in your other thread this MM lives with his parents who do NOT know about you even after a year of separation. BTW, not getting his own place to live because mummy won't let him has to be one of the most unattractive things I've heard of in a grown man! MM doesn't acknowledge you in public, you can only as a couple in front of your friends and a select few of his. At a guess I would say these were the friends who supported his affair all along. Ask yourself if he has introduced yourself as his partner to anyone important in his life. It doesn't sound like much has changed for you, you say MM left, I'm inclined to believe BS kicked him out but can't you see all you have is a relationship still steeped in lies and secrecy. As for the social media, there is a large part of me that can't help but think were happy to use social media as a weapon to hurt and destroy the BS (openly admitted on another thread) so you can't really complain about your MM using it! As to why, I think it was to spy on her, keep an eye on any competition. I think he's trying to go home, maybe he's heard there's someone else in the picture and is feeling jealous. Lastly you've said you're not in the Western world, forgive my ignorance but in many culture this makes divorce for males with no children (like your MM) extremely easy, so what's the hold up? (And yes, I know this is a general and could be perceived as a sexist comment, doesn't make it false in this context thorough). Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 Fighting with him isn't going to fix this. Link to post Share on other sites
bmh Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 IMO, he is pining for his wife. Why do you accept being his secret AFTER he has already left her? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 He had a home, he had status, he had a wife, he had an OW. Life was good. Now he is a separated man with no status, living with his parents, hiding his OW from all those near and dear to him. Of course he wants his wife and his old life back. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 You didn't like the answers you were getting on the other thread so you started a new, identical one? Same answer. You're wasting your time with this married man who is still longing after his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
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