A history of infidelity and bad breakups

[Haru-no-yuki]

So I've been taking stock of my relationships over the past 20 years and realise I have a history of infidelity and bad breakups.

 

15+ sexual partners

EA and PAs with 7 people (both ways)

More than 60% bad breakups

 

I feel bad about it, but it seems to be part of my character. I have a permanent grass is greener outlook. Not just relating to women but also life in general. When I get comfortable I get bored.

 

As my wife says, I get bored easily and always want something exciting to be happening.

 

This is also reflective in my hobbies: rock climbing, skydiving, motorbikes etc.

 

How can I improve this going forward?

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel bad about it, but it seems to be part of my character. I have a permanent grass is greener outlook. Not just relating to women but also life in general. When I get comfortable I get bored.

 

I don't think it's a character trait, I think it's fear. You'd have to work with a therapist to understand where the fear comes from.

 

Any relationship, whether personal or professional, eventually arrives at a point where the hard work begins. Success beyond this stage means dealing with ego, intellect and emotion successfully and aligning with someone or something else, not an easy thing to do.

 

Faced with this difficult task, it can be tempting to pull the plug in any number of ways - quitting, breaking up or cheating. Any of these choices allow us to rationalize that it was circumstances rather than our own shortcomings that held us back. Lather, rinse, repeat...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Guildford]

Based upon your hobbies, you are a risk-taker, and I doubt that you are going to change. I have always believed that risk-takers are more likely than most to have extra relationship affairs. You need to find a woman who will accept you as you are and that the relationship will be open. I hope that your wife is this person.

[BaileyB]

Indeed, having a stable and long term relationship doesn't seem paticularly realistic for someone who is an adrenaline junkie.

 

It's probably not wrong to assume that you are better suited for a series of shorter term relationships (as has been your pattern) and a certain kind of lifestyle. If you can find a woman who is agreeable to an open marriage, that may be another possible solution.

 

If a long term, monogomous relationship with your wife is your goal... best to find yourself a good counsellor to examine these patterns and find out what you are seeking - is it just the thrill of the adrenaline rush or does this stem from something more...

 

The high number of affairs clearly shows that you lack boundaries related to relationships. Is there a sense of entitlement, a lack of care and empathy for others... only you can answer these questions with a counsellor. I will say, what you have described, is far from "normal" behavior - whatever that may be...

Edited October 24, 2018 by BaileyB

[Normm]

The ‘grass is greener’ proverb expands to ‘on the other side of the fence’. That doesn’t apply to you. In your case the grade is green on both sides of the fence.

[pepperbird]

There is school of thought that the brain structure of an "adrenaline junkie" is different than typical. I don't know if that's true or not, but if it is, your behvaior may be something you need to learn to accept. That's not necessarily a bad thing, so long as you are honest with relationship partners.

[Haru-no-yuki]

That doesn’t apply to you. In your case the grade is green on both sides of the fence.

 

I didn't quite understand this, could you expand?

 

Interesting comments above. Thinking about them...

 

In reply to BaileyB > I have a counsellor who I see every two weeks. I've been directed towards Mindfulness which is an interesting idea but tends to send me asleep rather quickly....

 

In reply to Lucky > maybe fear of getting bored and settling down. I've lived quite a nomadic life, lived in 5 countries, studied in two etc. I get itchy feet after a couple of years in a place.

[Normm]

I didn't quite understand this, could you expand?

 

The grass is greener proverb means that a person (or really a cow if you interpret it literally) leaves their pasture for another pasture- on the other side of the fence so to speak, because they perceive that other pasture as having greener grass which presumably will taste better to the cow.

 

In your case you never left the first pasture, you're jumping back and forth and eating the grass on both sides of the fence because you are thinking only about your own needs, you have no concern whatsoever for the pain and hurt and suffering you are causing to the women who are being greatly affected by your actions of deception and selfishness.

[Mr. Lucky]

In reply to Lucky > maybe fear of getting bored and settling down.

 

Same paradigm exists. Putting down roots some place means establishing yourself, making connections, developing permanence. Easier to call yourself a nomad and move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Haru-no-yuki]

you have no concern whatsoever for the pain and hurt and suffering you are causing to the women who are being greatly affected by your actions of deception and selfishness.

 

Ouch. Maybe fair.

 

"Pain and hurt and suffering" might be over exaggerating a bit though. All my exes seemed to move on easily enough.

[Normm]

"Pain and hurt and suffering" might be over exaggerating a bit though. All my exes seemed to move on easily enough.

 

 

Yeah you're probably right. Being cheated on by the person you love, having them betray you in the worst possible way, lie to you, potentially exposing you to a lifelong or fatal STD isn't any worse than say, stubbing a toe. I doubt it took them more than a day or two to shrug their shoulders and move on without so much as an afterthought.

[Maraud3r]

Ouch. Maybe fair.

 

"Pain and hurt and suffering" might be over exaggerating a bit though. All my exes seemed to move on easily enough.

 

You might want to look into the impact of cheating. People who have been cheated on quite often develop genuine PTSD. It leaves mental scars for their entire life going forward. Undermines their ability to trust and so on and on and on.

 

You're an unapologetic repeat cheater, who in other threads tells others cheating is okay and just happens. You have a vested interest in minimizing your actions and their impact.

[loversquarrel]

Fellow adrenaline junkie high risk taker here, and I'm going to tell you something - the problem is you and for whatever reason you developed poor coping skills to deal with whatever issues plague you. Maybe you might just be with the wrong person? Maybe she doesn't challenge you enough? Maybe anxiety and depression when you are in cool down mode? I know what it feels like, but I'm fortunate to have a wife who challenges me, and I also learned long ago that there is no rush in the world that can equate with the loss of a loved one. Maybe work a dangerous career in which death can happen at any moment and you will get your fix and appreciate life for what it is - short.

[misspalmy]

Maybe in your case ask your wife to open marriage. it may help you not to cheat again if she knows