NDallasGuy Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Hello, I've been reading several posts on here lately and decided to post my own thread. Probably nothing new that no one hasn't already experienced by someone but I certainly welcome any suggestions, feedback/comments. About me: Was married 9 years, wife had an affair and we separated late last year. Divorce was finalized back in April of this year. We have two kids, both boys - 9 and 4 (the youngest has special needs). I do believe we've been co-parenting well overall so no real concerns there at this time other than the fact she's had a lot of male "friends" introduced to our kids. I have not had any women introduced to them. She's been on many many dates and routinely throws it in my face. As a result of the divorce, I've lost most of my friends - both male and female. To have any sense of a social life my time (when I don't have possession of the kids) is mainly spent looking for dates and things to do just to get out of the house. I'm comfortable being alone, and was alone for several months after the affair. But I want/need more companionship and friends - you know, going to a game, having a few beers, etc. I've never really had a problem getting dates but it seems like a waste of time overall - most dates cut and run when they find out I have a young one with special needs. I'm fit, handsome and successful but yet - appear to have problems forming meaningful relationships with anyone...friendship or otherwise. The one friend I have left that's local is married and rarely goes out. But he did offer a good suggestion - attend some DivorceCare sessions in my area. Which I've done but the classes all were females....and it's about to end soon in preparation for the holiday. That ending has been giving me anxiety because now I don't know what to do. I was hoping to make at least one or two male friends from that course as they were going thru or went thru what I just had happen earlier this year. I guess to sum it up: My free time is spent working out alone, playing video games alone, hiking alone, biking alone and trawling online for dates - which I've been able to get but never goes very far once they find out about my youngest...or they simply want something physical and nothing more. I'd like to make a few male friends around my age...I'd like to find a woman who doesn't play games....to date...not immediately get in a relationship...that's not currently on my mind. I've gone out to bars alone and had no problem striking up conversations around sports and such but it's just really awkward to me. I know what I want...not sure how to get it...and it gets more and more frustrating with each passing day...especially with my ex throwing it in my face with all her dates, friends and male companions. Not sure if any of that novel above made sense...but typing it helped a bit. Thanks for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 If you really are from Dallas, you shouldn’t have any issues making friends. The people there are the friendliest I’ve met. I travel there often for work and people just come right up to talk to me. I have luck at the coffee shops in Dallas or trying a new workout there. I think some girls will be turned off by a younger child with special needs but not all of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Go low contact with the x. Text, email,kids only. No phone calls, pick up/drop offs should be a 3 minute exercise. No engagement or exceptions. This will help you move forward. No excuses here. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t distance yourself. Join a gym. Best way to get out Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Hi Dallas guy, I can relate to your story, same for me 5 years ago, my x did the same and left with most of the friends. Happened because we were in a new town, I was working a lot, and because she has a lot of free time, most of our common friends were couples she met at the daycare or at her job so they left with her. As I didn't want to hear from her anymore, couldn'T have anther choice that to cut with her friends. However, I kept some friends at least. Making new friends ? As dark bloom or marc said, Gym, but better collective sport, like baseball, yoga, tai chi, basket, jogging group or whatever. After a few months, you gonna have a lot of new friends.. Or traveling with group of singles elsewhere. It helps a lot. And friendship fo faster.. good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 As dark bloom or marc said, Gym, but better collective sport, like baseball, yoga, tai chi, basket, jogging group or whatever. After a few months, you gonna have a lot of new friends.. This is what worked for me and it has the additional benefit of keeping you busy with less time on your hands to ponder the situation. Being on a team is automatically a bonding experience so I played coed tennis and volleyball to the point of exhaustion . This almost always led to a few beers after the event and a chance to connect with people of both sexes in a low-key way. Bonus points for having insight into someone's personality based on how they compete (hint - watch out for women that cheat opponents on line calls). Drop the solo activities and join some groups... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bigboss2903 Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 (edited) hey man, I in the same boat as you, so far I have been rediscovering myself, i always thought whats gym gonna do to ease my pain well it did alot! my mental state was affecting my physical state, instead being sad and depressed i pushed through the physical activities which is paying off.... Now people compliments me, women looking at me, some even saying how good looking I am which boosted my ego and confidence.. hell i can even stand up to my cheating ex wife much to her surprise.... lol man people have seen my ex with her bf and they like damn seriously she left her hot hubby for that????! well she chose it... battle is still far from over but everyday I push forward, my daughter knows who her father is, I want her to have a strong confident man in her life that will always be there for her no matter what! Keep up the good fight, the people on here helped me alot, on LS they dont sugar coat anything because they have been through it like my self..... I see you like video games, recently got a ps4 as a bday present, finished resident evil 7 (scary as hell) and playing god of war 4 (impressive as hell!) in my free time I get do alot in the week, socialize, gym, movies etc stuff i couldn't really do when married... Edited October 25, 2018 by Bigboss2903 Link to post Share on other sites
Unhappy_Nerd Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 I can appreciate your situation. I lost about half of my friends in the divorce. Too many of them were "couple" friends, and when their wife sided with my ex-wife...that was that. If you have any hobby-interests, you might try a Meetup group. I've had good luck making new friends through table-top gaming and board games. Expanded my social group a bit broader than it was before. If you're a video gamer, maybe join a guild or clan that does IRL meetups? Anyway, good luck man. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 Others have already made good suggestions about meetup groups, etc. What stuck out to me was the fact that your wife seems to be introducing your kids to her parade of men. She should be more discreet and not drag your kids into her encounters. It's not fair to them. (I hate it when my critical side gets loose, but when you're talking about kids, and you have a special needs child, I just don't understand why any mother would feel the need to introduce them to strange men who are most likely just casual encounters. That burns me up!) Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 You have to make the effort to join things. Based on your interests, I suggest the following groups: 1. A hiking group 2. A biking group 3. parents without partners -- a group for single parents 4. A civic organization like the Kiwanis, the Lions, the Elks, the Moose etc. These groups have regular meetings & various community service events so you get to know lots of people 5. Volunteer somewhere doing something you care about: the arts, raising money to fight disease, saving animals, etc 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 Join a running club! You seem active, so this would be right up your alley. Sign up for a local 5K, find a pub run, weekend group run. It takes a few times to break in sometimes, but keep going and you will find runners are the friendliest bunch out there. You can then also work up to 10K, half marathon, marathon and have healthy goals to distract you as well. Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 https://dfw.cbslocal.com/top-lists/best-running-clubs-in-dfw/ But if you sign up for a local 5K, you will see the shirts of the different running clubs and you can check them out there. Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 One last link: USATF - Clubs - Search Link to post Share on other sites
esean75 Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 Go easy with the online dating. Most of the people on their are broken and often in denial as to the trauma that a divorce can cause. They can cause setbacks in the healing process. You're doing the right thing with divorce care and trying to build new relationships. But the only cure for the pain of divorce and loneliness is time. Like you, my ex got the friends. I'm six years out from the initial split and I'm just starting to become emotionally available again. The process I went through was pretty rough and ultimately cost me a career. I'm in a new one that entails plenty of social connection. I'm taking a break from the online thing because it's just too flighty. I'm building my confidence up and am starting to prefer going on a date only when I've asked the girl out either in person or over the phone after having met in person. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 Definitely get out there and join some groups. Search through local meetup groups ... Two perspectives here ... One ... you can find a woman who is great who isn't freaked out that you have a special needs child. Trust me, you can! But you're gonna have to have your life in a pretty nice groove in order to calm people's fears. Two, I got active after my divorce and I experimented with going to groups that attracted people my age and eligible women ... vs. going to groups that I just enjoyed participating in the activity with. Just me, I found it more enjoyable to head towards the activities I really loved ... and put meeting women second. Ironically the group activity still led to meeting women, and the activity just made me so happy and energetic that I had more creativity and energy to meet women and talk to women. What may feel strange to you (it did to me) is to consciously realize, Oh, I've got to create my life and create my social life and a social network. Often we just do that "naturally" without a lot of conscious thought. But in middle-age, especially after divorce, you do need to plan and purposely create connections. And frankly, that's what super-sharp people do all along. What kinds of activities excite you? ... Don't be afraid to experiment. Like it's very possible to check out four activities ... and find you're not into them. That's fine. Keep going ... check out ten, twenty activities. You'll at some point arrive in a room with a group of people that you know you like. That's your start. Link to post Share on other sites
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