Self Loathing and Despair

[Blended]

My situation is complex. I'm not just the OW who is also in a long term relationship. I was the friend of 18 years and the intermittent lover of this man I've known since we were teenagers. We never had a relationship. We were too busy, too stubborn, too defiant, too far apart - we never made time or admissions necessary to give us a real chance. When we saw each other throughout the years and particularly between relationships, we were intimate. Despite having lived up to ~7,000 mi apart, we always kept in touch and shared our lives.

 

By our mid-twenties we'd come to bele to say I love you as great companions would. I married for the wrong reasons and divorced; he still dated around.

 

Now that we're in our 30's, we no longer have that abashedness of youth. We've spoken and admitted to intense feelings. We are both in live-in long term relationships. Both our partners asked if we'd been intimate in the past, but didn't want to cause insecurities from our extended relationship that has a strong bond. We also share uncanny similarities, including a peculiar fondness of various foods, travel and jazz.

 

My partner and I are ready to have kids and she recommended him as a donour. That began a very intense and passionate love affair with him as I've never had before, starting 5 months ago. He wanted me to have his children and although less than ideal, he was okay with handing over parental rights to respect my partner's wishes.

 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I met him for a weekend getaway. It was a 3 day weekend. My partner had plans for a concert with her friends. He left his lady at home and we had an amazing time together. Once I got back home, my partner confronted me about the affair. After denying it for a few days, I could no longer.

 

It devastated her. We fought and cry and are in the midst of counselling. He hasn't admitted the truth to his partner, calling it "privacy". I've told him what's happened between us is private, but not admitting it is simply lying. His partner reached me directly and asked if we'd been together and I told her "yes". My partner had also reached out to her to break the news.

 

This past weekend, I found out his lady is pregnant. I told him that I can't be in the way of him having a chance to make amends and be a good father to a child that would be innocent of all our actions. I can't be a part of his life anymore.

 

I love him so dearly and tenderly. I also love my partner in a different way. I feel so much guilt for what I have done. I hate myself and I've cried for the past several weeks. I have a long history of depression, anxiety and self harm when I'm paniced and in severe emotional distress. After so many years, I'm cutting again.

 

It's incredibly difficult to cope with the loss of my friendship, the loss of a long time lover, the suffering I've caused for my partner, the hurt I've caused his lady, and of course the crushing pain of her pregnancy as well. I blame myself so much for ruining lives and also have set back my own chances of having my own family. It's not just the guilt, but the deep feelings of worthlessness, especially since now my partner is also dealing with my pains from the severance of the relationship.

 

I've never felt so lost or hurt, but I suppose this is a fair punishment for all my indiscretions. I wish I knew how to navigate all of this. I wish I had the foresight.

Edited October 24, 2018 by Blended

[pepperbird]

you're right. This situation you are in is all your own fault, and the only one you can blame for it is yourself.

 

 

I know that sounds snakry, but there is a reason it's so important. If you have caused this situation, then you have the power to change it. I would suggest that you start by ending the lie to yourself that you and he have most been just friends. You have been in an emotional affair with him for years.

[Amethyst68]

Your post is basically a testament to your love fit this OM, all your partner rates is that you love her in a different way.

 

 

In what world did you think you were ready to start a family with your partner? What shred of decency would allow you to let your partner choose the OM to be the father of your child?

 

 

How many times have you cheated with him during the relationship? Do you have it in you to remain faithful? Do you even want to if it means no longer having this man as a friend.

 

 

I hope you get help with your anxiety and your cutting, TBH your partner doesn't need that to deal with on top of her own trauma. I'm sorry if I seem heartless but you have to acknowledge this is a choosing this man is a conscious choice you've been doing for years - did you really think there'd be no consequences?

[Normm]

I couldn't keep up with all the his and hers and who is a donour to who and whatever that all means.

[Mr. Lucky]

My situation is complex.

 

I'm not sure that it is. Keeping this 18-yr emotional and physical connection as a priority in your life simply meant you've never allowed room for another healthy and honest relationship. I'd guess this impacted the marriage you referred to also. As you're finding out the hard way now, you can't give your heart to one person and your body to another and expect success going forward.

 

You've been living a lie for two decades, question is what are you going to do about it now?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blended]

I've come clean - so I'm no longer lying or have communication with my friend/AP. There are two willing individuals in affairs and I've ended it. I certainly expect snarky, mean or offensive responses for my irresponsibility as a participant.

 

Keeping this 18-yr emotional and physical connection as a priority in your life simply meant you've never allowed room for another healthy and honest relationship.

 

Mr. Lucky - thank you for your very useful and frank input. I've never truly considered how our entanglement may have inhibited my inability to truly have a healthy relationship. I don't believe my relationship with my AP had an impact on the marriage. I was faithful. My ex was financially irresponsible, cheated on me (now I'm the cheater...), showed me little affection and our relationship was severely strained by the change of heart not to move to another country when he said he would after I'd consulted him about taking the job/moving.

[Normm]

I don't believe my relationship with my AP had an impact on the marriage. I was faithful.

 

 

Now I'm even more confused. Earlier you said you were intimate with your affair partner when you were in and out of relationships with other people including your current partner. Now you say "you were faithful". It can't be both.

[Blended]

When we saw each other throughout the years and particularly between relationships, we were intimate

 

I never said in and out of relationships. Between our relationships. We did not always have a sexual relationship each time we saw each other. We saw each other as companions and friends through many life events.

[Normm]

I never said in and out of relationships. Between our relationships..

 

 

Actually you said "particularly between relationships". That translates to "we were intimate while we were in and out of relationships with other people, but especially in between".

[Amethyst68]

So I take it my comments were ones you found offensive. They were not meant to be I truly cannot understand how someone who claims to love someone would just stand by and let them choose their partner's on/off lover to be their child's father and did you have no input the conversation and resultant decision?

 

 

Also if you can't see how much you go on about the love you have for your AP but that one dismissive statement for your partner? Maybe all you're feeling is the guilt, if the AP's partner wasn't pregnant would you truly rather be with him?

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky - thank you for your very useful and frank input. I've never truly considered how our entanglement may have inhibited my inability to truly have a healthy relationship. I don't believe my relationship with my AP had an impact on the marriage. I was faithful.

 

Really Blended? Forget any physical interaction, no inappropriate emotional connection, no private texts with 18-yr friend behind your husband's back?

 

I wonder if you've been doing - and rationalizing - this for so long you've lost sight of what it is and how damaging it can be?

 

Mr. Lucky

[misspalmy]

You have done the right thing ending it. dont worry what others say xx