Grirlfirnd wants a break, but keeps a thread...what do these mean ???

[just1looking2]

I am not sure the best section to post this. My Girlfriend, of 5 years, announced last week that she was unsure whether we have a future together and suggested a break. It has mostly to do with things that are external to the 2 of us. just the 2 of us things are good.

 

 

 

Since she announced this naturally I am beyond sad. She has asked about needing space, but in the first 4 days, she texted and called to break it off, once per day, then we speak for a while then she starts to soften and the next day the same.

 

It seems to me if she wanted to finally break it off, she would not feel compelled to call 4 mornings in a row with no new news.

 

 

Its as if she wants to be talked out of it, but when I talk with her, and that sort of happens, its then as if she is frustrated she cant stick to her initial intent.

 

I know she is confused, I get that, but I am hopeful this confusion means there is hope. I don't think its a case of letting me down easy - this is taking to much energy and pain for that.

 

Yesterday I got her to laugh and look at things a whole new way.

 

 

 

She is kind, and loyal and supportive. We have both made mistakes and both own up to them.

 

I want to do the right thing but i dont know exactly what is is...she is asking for space but keeps a lifeline

[Normm]

Don't be so available. Tell her you think space is a good idea, and why doesn't she touch base in a week or two but until then don't contact you so you both can work things through, independently.

 

 

 

Give her the opportunity to see what life is like without you in it. She'll either realize things were better than she thought and there was a lot of good in there or she'll feel more secure in her decision to end the relationship. Either way she'll have a clearer head due to the time apart.

[ExpatInItaly]

What are the external factors that prevent you from being together anymore?

[just1looking2]

Its not that it "prevents" but rather the perception of hopelessness.

 

She has a late teen daughter who is in general a bit moody and to fair has some struggles, but is also not accepting of our relationship.

 

 

We have tried without much success to create harmony and it works if my kids or her BF or friends are around but challenging when it is the 3 of us. VERY challenging.

 

As we grow and contemplate getting more committed, maybe moving in, it gives my GF little hope that it will ever work out.

 

She thinks I hate her daughter ( I dont, nothing could be further from the truth....)

She thinks I have made up my mind it will never work (again not true)

 

I respect her conflict, in much the same ways we have alike but she is passive aggressive and has eyes closed to a connection and even her mothers happiness.

 

So last week I said something pretty stupid when we were out looking at places, like "i cant imagine that we could get a place now because I worry that I would feel uncomfortable in my own home"

 

This was honest but not well stated....what i think i meant was that I wish we could get a place and wish things were different

[d0nnivain]

A break is a break up with trainings wheels. She is keeping you as a back-up plan.

 

You tell her -- not text, tell as in talk to her in person -- that she either works with you to fix what's wrong or it's over. In times of trouble people are supposed to turn toward their SOs. When they turn away, it's over.

[ExpatInItaly]

We have tried without much success to create harmony and it works if my kids or her BF or friends are around but challenging when it is the 3 of us. VERY challenging.

Can you elaborate a bit on this? In which ways have you and she tried to create harmony with her daughter, and how has it failed?

 

She thinks I hate her daughter ( I dont, nothing could be further from the truth....)

She thinks I have made up my mind it will never work (again not true)

Hm. Why does she think these things?

 

I'm just trying to get a sense of the overall dynamic of your relationship, and what her current frame of mind might be. It seems that she likely misses you because you have been a big part of her life, but doubts everything because of the rocky relationship between you and her daughter - which results in a rocky ride for you and her.

[just1looking2]

Can you elaborate a bit on this? In which ways have you and she tried to create harmony with her daughter, and how has it failed?

 

Hm. Why does she think these things?

 

I'm just trying to get a sense of the overall dynamic of your relationship, and what her current frame of mind might be. It seems that she likely misses you because you have been a big part of her life, but doubts everything because of the rocky relationship between you and her daughter - which results in a rocky ride for you and her.

 

 

I prefer rather to keep the thread on topic which is the waffling and what it means. Hearing from women especially who have gone through these emotions would be most helpful

[Normm]

 

I prefer rather to keep the thread on topic which is the waffling and what it means.

 

Dude she's waffling because she's not sure what she wants. She's keeping you on the hook until she either decides for or against you and/or meets a new guy.

 

You've gotten some great advice on what you can do to improve your odds and your situation - but you clearly don't want any of that you just want to look for deeper meanings that don't exist without actually doing anything so I wish you the best of luck and hope she ultimately rules in your favor.

[basil67]

 

I prefer rather to keep the thread on topic which is the waffling and what it means. Hearing from women especially who have gone through these emotions would be most helpful

 

I did this when I separated from my ex-h. It was about me weaning myself off him because going cold turkey would have been too difficult for me. Unfortunately, the outcome was that it kept my exes hopes alive.

 

If you want to try and fix things, I'm happy to discuss the issues you've mentioned. If they aren't addressed, they won't be fixed and she'll be gone.

[just1looking2]

I did this when I separated from my ex-h. It was about me weaning myself off him because going cold turkey would have been too difficult for me. Unfortunately, the outcome was that it kept my exes hopes alive.

 

If you want to try and fix things, I'm happy to discuss the issues you've mentioned. If they aren't addressed, they won't be fixed and she'll be gone.

sure maybe by message ?

[ExpatInItaly]

 

I prefer rather to keep the thread on topic which is the waffling and what it means. Hearing from women especially who have gone through these emotions would be most helpful

 

I am a woman.

 

I asked the questions in order to help us understand why she might be waffling. We can't really guess what is motivating her behaviour now if you don't provide much context, OP.

[just1looking2]

I am a woman.

 

I asked the questions in order to help us understand why she might be waffling. We can't really guess what is motivating her behaviour now if you don't provide much context, OP.

 

 

Can you elaborate a bit on this? In which ways have you and she tried to create harmony with her daughter, and how has it failed?

 

Ok well its a combination of trying, and a mutual decision, which in hindsight was probably a bad one to practice a sort of avoidance.

 

 

In the beginning as a younger girl she would get moody and misbehave if I was around. we waited like 5-6 months of dating before I even formally met her, because we were both sensitive to the idea of bring home people in case it didnt work out. She resents her parents divorce and I cant blame her....my GF and I both came from long term marriages so I know that urge to wish your family was still together.

 

When it is the 3 of us, we have tried dinners, movies, just hanging around, and there is no engagement, she withdrwas.

This can be frustrating for mom, her daughter and me.

 

Some of this her mom could try to correct and she is working on that. Its not my place to correct so I stay clear but i voice my frustrations to her mom who is in the middle.

 

I could have more patience with this, and maybe the answer is that simple...more or infinite patience, but again, I think alot of this started when we talked briefly about getting a place together, and my concern about living under that strain in what would be our only home

 

 

 

 

When we add friends to the mix, or her BF, it usually goes better. She will be going off to college so even that is a plus.

 

Lets just say no mom wants to have to choose or be put in the middle.

 

 

 

 

Hm. Why does she think these things?

 

I'm just trying to get a sense of the overall dynamic of your relationship, and what her current frame of mind might be. It seems that she likely misses you because you have been a big part of her life, but doubts everything because of the rocky relationship between you and her daughter - which results in a rocky ride for you and her.

[RevengeOfTheCuck]

I am not sure the best section to post this. My Girlfriend, of 5 years, announced last week that she was unsure whether we have a future together and suggested a break. It has mostly to do with things that are external to the 2 of us. just the 2 of us things are good.

 

 

 

Since she announced this naturally I am beyond sad. She has asked about needing space, but in the first 4 days, she texted and called to break it off, once per day, then we speak for a while then she starts to soften and the next day the same.

 

It seems to me if she wanted to finally break it off, she would not feel compelled to call 4 mornings in a row with no new news.

 

 

Its as if she wants to be talked out of it, but when I talk with her, and that sort of happens, its then as if she is frustrated she cant stick to her initial intent.

 

I know she is confused, I get that, but I am hopeful this confusion means there is hope. I don't think its a case of letting me down easy - this is taking to much energy and pain for that.

 

Yesterday I got her to laugh and look at things a whole new way.

 

 

 

She is kind, and loyal and supportive. We have both made mistakes and both own up to them.

 

I want to do the right thing but i dont know exactly what is is...she is asking for space but keeps a lifeline

 

She's likely cheating on you and her taking a break is a way to alleviate guilt. Snoop around and see what you can find.