Gaeta Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 (edited) You tell him directly to back off or you go straight to his parents? This boy contacted Claire (14) via FB. He tells her she's cute, he wants to be her friend, he has a lot of affection to give and he could visit her at school during lunch. Yes all alarms went off at home!! I vote we tell this young man to stop all contact with Claire and to go find a friend his age or we will take this matter to his parents and school. My daughter votes we go straight to his parents. You vote? Edited October 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing
stillafool Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Gaeta dear, that's normal. You remember when you were 14 and looked at the 17 year olds and was flattered that they found you cute. I can understand you not wanting him near her because of hormones but... I wasn't allowed to date until I turned 16. 1
Normm Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Don't escalate things right away by going to the parents. Odds are they won't care anyway. Contact him directly and tell him to back off and if he doesn't then take it further. 1
SunnyWeather Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 In some states in the US, sex between 2 minors with one under 15 could be a punishable offense. I'd call your local CPS and ask them. I know it hasn't escalated to that level yet, but it would be good for you to know what the laws are in your area to help with how you proceed. 1
Author Gaeta Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 Gaeta dear, that's normal. You remember when you were 14 and looked at the 17 year olds and was flattered that they found you cute. I can understand you not wanting him near her because of hormones but... I wasn't allowed to date until I turned 16. Oh yes it's normal for her to feel flattered I totally get that, but among the attention she is getting from boys this one isn't appropriate. I think no dating till 16 is a reasonable rule. Also I want this guy, who's about to turn 18, to know that what he's doing is inappropriate. Maybe in the past he was able to sweet talk younger teens but this time he's gonna hit a wall. 1
Happy Lemming Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 My daughter votes we go straight to his parents. You vote? . I think I would agree with your daughter, not to get the 17 year old in trouble, but to have his father sit down with him and explain how polite society works. It doesn't seem like there was malice involved, but as you pointed out, he is on the verge of 18 and can be charged as an adult if something goes south with a 14 year old girl. His parents might not know what he is doing on FB, so its a good "teachable moment" before he ends up with a felony charge on his permanent record. Just my vote... agree with your daughter. Blue skies... 1
elaine567 Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 You tell him directly to back off or you go straight to his parents? This boy contacted Claire (14) via FB. He tells her she's cute, he wants to be her friend, he has a lot of affection to give and he could visit her at school during lunch. Yes all alarms went off at home!! I vote we tell this young man to stop all contact with Claire and to go find a friend his age or we will take this matter to his parents and school. My daughter votes we go straight to his parents. I guess your daughter is a bit scared that he does show up at lunch or sometime else maybe, so wants to make sure he won't do that by getting his parents involved. 1
Author Gaeta Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 In some states in the US, sex between 2 minors with one under 15 could be a punishable offense. I'd call your local CPS and ask them. I am glad you mentioned this. I doubled check and sexual consent is 16 but 14 & 15 years old can have consensual sex with a partner no more than 5 years apart. So a 15 year old could have sex with a 20 years old but not a 21 year old. Doesn't change a thing for me and our current situation.
Author Gaeta Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 I guess your daughter is a bit scared that he does show up at lunch or sometime else maybe, so wants to make sure he won't do that by getting his parents involved. My daughter is extremely protective of her young sister. Since their dad died my daughter kind of took the role of Claire's missing parent.
preraph Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Tell him and your daughter that she isn't allowed to date yet or meet boys who aren't her own age. Do tell him to stop contact or you'll have to contact his parents. In my day all sophomores (15, 16) usually dated seniors or even first year college, but it is true you risk your daughter getting sexual sooner (these days the guys all think BJs aren't sex -- sigh) so you should hold her back for now. There is quite a difference between some 14s and some 17s. I was very naive and still a little girl at 14 myself. Guys his age have probably already had sex. Tell her she can date in another year but not older guys. The trouble is once a girl is mature enough she is wanting to date, she's WAY more mature than the guys her own age. So it's natural to want to date a year or two older. 2
basil67 Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 When I was 14, my boyfriend was 17. My parents initially banned me from seeing him, so then I had to see him in secret. But after a few weeks he called my folks and assured them that he wasn't going to take advantage. As it turned out, I was quite mature for my age and I was the one who led the progression in the relationship. Mum and dad knew I was boy crazy and felt it was better to at least have a solid, sensible boyfriend than to be falling in love with every new boy I met. 1
Author Gaeta Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 (edited) When I was 14, my boyfriend was 17. My parents initially banned me from seeing him, so then I had to see him in secret. But after a few weeks he called my folks and assured them that he wasn't going to take advantage. As it turned out, I was quite mature for my age and I was the one who led the progression in the relationship. Mum and dad knew I was boy crazy and felt it was better to at least have a solid, sensible boyfriend than to be falling in love with every new boy I met. When I was 17 my boyfriend was 24, it was a different time, different generation. I would flip if my 17 year old daughter dated a 24 year old. Studies shows that nowadays teens grow up much slower than the teens we were back in the days. The difference is nowadays we cover and protect our children much more than we were protected. Claire is very little interested in boys, all she cares about is her art and her girl friends, I will not let a 17 year old around her especially not one speaking like a little perv. Edited October 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing 1
preraph Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 ^ Yes! Well, and all these young guys now have all seen porn and not just Playboy but really extreme stuff, and they think it's nothing and have so many of the girls brainwashed into thinking they should do whatever they want. And it's true, I think kids are really not mature in a lot of ways now, but they develop faster, so it's a recipe for disaster. My friend's 10-year old looks like a freaking model and is starting to get old men staring at her. Ugh.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 When I was 17 my boyfriend was 24, it was a different time, different generation. That's because you were the one who was 17 . I doubt many parents - now or then - want their 17-yr old daughter dating a 24-yr old... Mr. Lucky 2
No_Go Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Not sure about what’s right here. I’ve seen both extremes. Classmate of mine got a serious boyfriend at 14 - he was 21 then and we thought he’s ancient Now, 20 years later, they are still together, married with a 7yo son. On the other end of the spectrum- me- I haven’t looked at a boy through high school, college and beyond lol. Until finally at 27 nature took its course and I got seriously involved with my 1st- 46yo with shady background... So go figure which model was better. Logic doesn’t always works in interpersonal relationships.
Author Gaeta Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 That's because you were the one who was 17 . I doubt many parents - now or then - want their 17-yr old daughter dating a 24-yr old... Mr. Lucky My parents didn't say a word, I wish they had. I married him I was 20 years old. Years later I asked my mom why they didn't say anything to me when I was 17, why didn't tell me to enjoy life first, to travel, to make a carreer, why I didn't get that from them? and she said well we know teens will do as they wish no matter what we say. I was upset for a long time, sometimes still, that they didn't guide me through dating and boys. When my daughter reached the age of dating you bet I got involved! and I checked on her and repeated to her she had all the time in the world to date, there will always be men around, that she has to enjoy her youth etc. My daughter had her first real serious boyfriend at 29. Nobodies walk on her toes. I will do the same with Claire...she's too young to date, period.
Art_Critic Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I vote that you and your BF have a talk with him telling him that he is too old for her and go from there... If he doesn't listen then Parents...
Author Gaeta Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 So my daughter has a very good friend of hers that teaches at this guy's high school. She spoke to her friend and turns out this kid is lying about his age, he's 16. Already lying about his age to impress the girls. My daughter had a conversation with Claire about this guy, she took screen captions of their FB conversations she'll keep, she showed Claire where this guy was manipulative in his speech + now we know he's a little liar. Claire decided he was *yuk* and deleted him.
HiCrunchy Posted October 26, 2018 Posted October 26, 2018 A 17-year-old isn't that far off from being an 18-year-old, an adult. While the other child was just in middle school one year ago. Ewwww.... Totally not appropriate. This is different from a 20 and 24-year-old dating. Age gaps during teenage years are a bigger deal.
littleblackheart Posted October 26, 2018 Posted October 26, 2018 Am i right in thinking Claire is your daughter's half-sister? Is Claire's mother not involved at all?
Author Gaeta Posted October 26, 2018 Author Posted October 26, 2018 Am i right in thinking Claire is your daughter's half-sister? Yes Is Claire's mother not involved at all? No, last August Child-protection took Claire away from her mother and gave me her guardianship. They are not allowed to contact without Child-protection's supervision. I have a thread about her mother living with a sexual predator who had 8 convictions of molesting girls under 16.
littleblackheart Posted October 26, 2018 Posted October 26, 2018 No, last August Child-protection took Claire away from her mother and gave me her guardianship. They are not allowed to contact without Child-protection's supervision. I have a thread about her mother living with a sexual predator who had 8 convictions of molesting girls under 16. Ah ok. I can see why you both are being extra protective of her under the circumstances. What does she want to do with this boy? Would talking to him / his parents start a Romeo & Juliet thing with the kids seeing each other anyway?
Author Gaeta Posted October 26, 2018 Author Posted October 26, 2018 Ah ok. I can see why you both are being extra protective of her under the circumstances. What does she want to do with this boy? Would talking to him / his parents start a Romeo & Juliet thing with the kids seeing each other anyway? She just wanted to talk to him because he complimented her on her artwork and he likes the same K-pop music (ya right a guy into a k-pop boy group!). She naively thought he was someone with similar interest, we know he's a little manipulative twit. 1
noelle303 Posted October 26, 2018 Posted October 26, 2018 While I don't think 14 year olds are necessarily too young to date, I would be cautious in Claire's case. She's a girl who has just went through a major life change and a traumatic experience. She's had very little parental guidance and attention throughout her life and was essentially abandoned by her own mother who chose her boyfriend over her. I would imagine that all these things took a toll on her self-esteem. She needs some time to herself, to get settled and recover emotionally. This is not a time for boys, it's a perfect scenario for a toxic relationship. So, be gentle, keep those lines of communication open and guide her. Try and explain to her how important it is for her to be healthy and happy by herself in order to be happy with someone else.
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