When a 17 year old male pursues your 14 yo teen girl? ?

[preraph]

Yes

 

 

 

No, last August Child-protection took Claire away from her mother and gave me her guardianship. They are not allowed to contact without Child-protection's supervision. I have a thread about her mother living with a sexual predator who had 8 convictions of molesting girls under 16.

 

Oh, dear. Well, Gaeta, obviously, she's at much higher risk than normal, and I think you need to really shelter her, because her mom and those men were her role models, and that's what she thinks is normal at least to some extent. Really, I think she needs to chill for a couple of years and see how well she adapts to this new life. She is likely to be without boundaries with guys and other people as well. Poor girl.

[AlexMG]

Had this problem with my youngest daughter,he wanted to date her and she told him no.She was 14 also at the time and it wouldn't stop.Talked his parents and they warned him stop do it.Finally,cops were called out and he went to jail.Still wouldn't stop and he ended up raping her.I beat his butt up good with a baseball bat.Now serving a 10 year sentence for rape and he has to register as a sex offender when he gets out.

[beatcuff]

so what is the goal here? just get rid of him? fine talk to him and then his parents. sit back and hope it works, and wonder, as others have said, this may make him more attractive and/or they sneak around.

 

this seems like a 'give'em a fish they eat for the day, teach them to fish and they eat for a lifetime' moments. sit down with your daughter and explain 'everything' --- you are too young to date (then give an age, 16 is good), why would you want to date a person that in order to impress you is already lying (his age) and give some of your struggles in dating --- be super honest: yup the first guy that said hi i wanted to 'jump him' and why it ended up better waiting... i did this with my now 18 year old daughter, expect eye rolls and 'whatever' but i found out recently it was effective.

[preraph]

Oh, dear. Well, Gaeta, obviously, she's at much higher risk than normal, and I think you need to really shelter her, because her mom and those men were her role models, and that's what she thinks is normal at least to some extent. Really, I think she needs to chill for a couple of years and see how well she adapts to this new life. She is likely to be without boundaries with guys and other people as well. Poor girl.

 

The best hope, Gaeta, is if she expressed dislike of those men and her mom's actions and, therefore, rebels against it, but even then, we have blind spots even when we disapproved of it because it was our normal.

[Gaeta]

The best hope, Gaeta, is if she expressed dislike of those men and her mom's actions and, therefore, rebels against it, but even then, we have blind spots even when we disapproved of it because it was our normal.

She definitely is rejecting all of her mom's behavior. She has shut out her mother and told her she doesn't want to speak to her untill she is back being normal.

[TheRainbow]

My daughter is only ten (almost eleven), but my husband says no dating until sixteen. Our daughter isn't allowed to stay home alone, yet even for five minutes or allowed to walk to the convenience store which is within a few blocks, without an adult. So a fourteen-year-old and a seventeen-year-old would not happen. All I know is from experience, at fourteen I wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship which really showed.

[BaileyB]

While I don’t think that 14 years olds are too young to have “a boyfriend,” I would like to think she would be dating someone closer to her own age. I would also monitor them pretty closely and hope that their interest stays at carrying her books home, going on “group dates” to the mall with friends, or going to get an ice cream...

 

This girl is extremely vulnerable right now. She has had limited and questionable supervision. You have absolutely no idea what has happened in her home or what she has learned. She is probably equal parts looking for stability and reassurance while wanting attention and exerting her own “new-found” independence... it is the perfect storm. I would watch this very, very closely and keep the lines of communication open.

 

Has she been to see a Counsellor yet Gaeta?

[Gaeta]

This girl is extremely vulnerable right now. She has had limited and questionable supervision. You have absolutely no idea what has happened in her home or what she has learned. She is probably equal parts looking for stability and reassurance while wanting attention and exerting her own “new-found” independence... it is the perfect storm. I would watch this very, very closely and keep the lines of communication open.

 

Has she been to see a Counsellor yet Gaeta?

 

 

I agree on every point BaileyB. She is not in contact with him anymore and she agreed 'boyfriends' should not be a priority at this moment. I have no problem with friends that are boys and I encourage her to invite her friends (girls or boys) at home. A couple of days ago she told me she likes being with me because I let her be a normal 14 years old, I trust her, and I give her the alone time she needs (to be in her bubble) and time for her art. I have to say it's easy for me to take the role of her parent, she is exactly like my daughter was at that age (introverted) so it flows naturally.

 

 

 

She is seeing a new counselor today after school. She stands strong on not wanting contact with her mother at this time and does not want to see her at xmas. She has a lot of aggressiveness toward her. The mom still lives in lalaland and defends the criminal-boyfriend.

[BaileyB]

The mom still lives in lalaland and defends the criminal-boyfriend.

 

That is not surprising. I would expect nothing less from the woman who moved a convicted sex offender into her home with her teen-age daughter. The lack of good judgment is epic!

 

I'm glad to hear that she has found a counsellor. She is right to be angry! The counsellor, her art, and the conversations you are having will help her to work through this whole experience... You are such a blessing Gaeta. Best wishes.

[Stomper]

While I don’t think that 14 years olds are too young to have “a boyfriend,”

So you'd be happy for your 14yr old daughter to ruin her live by having a child?

 

In response to the OP, I'm probably no help because I'm male, I would have beaten the **** out of the little punk by now.

[Sunlight72]

That's because you were the one who was 17 .

 

I doubt many parents - now or then - want their 17-yr old daughter dating a 24-yr old...

 

Mr. Lucky

Exactly this. There were plenty of 'pervs' when you were 17 Gaeta. It feels verrry different when it was your parent's baby girl, versus when it is your baby girl.

 

 

I vote for contacting the boy directly. He literally is just being an interested boy at this point.

[preraph]

You tell him directly to back off or you go straight to his parents?

 

This boy contacted Claire (14) via FB. He tells her she's cute, he wants to be her friend, he has a lot of affection to give and he could visit her at school during lunch. Yes all alarms went off at home!!

 

I vote we tell this young man to stop all contact with Claire and to go find a friend his age or we will take this matter to his parents and school. My daughter votes we go straight to his parents.

 

You vote?

 

Yeah, it's not unusual. Of course, the 17 year old may or may not be more experienced. You can't assume anything. Some are and some aren't. She will no doubt be crazy idealistic and give him the benefit of the doubt. I think all you can do is tell HER she isn't allowed to date until she's 15 (to avert this particular event) and then ONLY once you've met the guy at your home and seen what he's like (in other words, scared the bejesus out of him). Tell her, she is forbidden to MEET him anywhere. Tell her if he's really interested, he can wait until she's dating age and come meet her parents. Set the rules. All teens need some.

[BaileyB]

So you'd be happy for your 14yr old daughter to ruin her live by having a child?

 

What in the world are you talking about?

 

I said, "a boyfriend." Kids this age tend to travel in groups, and some may start to "pair off" but they often continue to do things together as a group - like study, go to the mall, see a movie. In now way did I say they should be unsupervised, have sex, or procreate.

 

Happy New Year Gaeta! 2018 was a quite a year for you... any updates as we start another calendar year?

Edited January 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

What in the world are you talking about?

 

I said, "a boyfriend." Kids this age tend to travel in groups, and some may start to "pair off" but they often continue to do things together as a group - like study, go to the mall, see a movie. In now way did I say they should be unsupervised, have sex, or procreate.

 

Happy New Year Gaeta! 2018 was a quite a year for you... any updates as we start another calendar year?

 

Happy New Year BaileyB :-)

 

 

I have been so busy lately I find no time to participate on here, I miss it !

 

 

 

Things are great at home with Claire, many boys came forward after this one and Claire agrees she is too young to have a boyfriend. I said before 16 just enjoy been a teen girl, you have the rest of your life to play adults and deal with adults problems. We met with child protection yesterday and they propose she stays with me another year. Her mom is still in denial. Claire is striving here, her grades are up, she has many friends at school, we got her private art classes she loves, she's happy and bubbly.

[BaileyB]

That’s fabulous news! (Although, not the part about her mother).

 

Well done Gaeta!!

[basil67]

Gaeta, I've got a different idea. It sounds like Claire has other priorities and isn't particularly interested in a boyfriend. It also sounds like you have good communication. So how about giving Claire the tools and support to politely but firmly tell him "no thanks'?

 

Unless he persists, I really don't see the need to escalate this at all.

[basil67]

So you'd be happy for your 14yr old daughter to ruin her live by having a child?

 

In response to the OP, I'm probably no help because I'm male, I would have beaten the **** out of the little punk by now.

 

Beating up teenage boys is not a male thing. It's a thug thing.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, I've got a different idea. It sounds like Claire has other priorities and isn't particularly interested in a boyfriend. It also sounds like you have good communication. So how about giving Claire the tools and support to politely but firmly tell him "no thanks'?

 

Unless he persists, I really don't see the need to escalate this at all.

 

 

I do need to teach her better tools. There was another boy (her age) that showed a lot of interest. He invited himself over to play video-games for last Sunday. At the last minute she asked me if it was ok to cancel, she didn't like how he suffocated her with his over-attention and each time she told him to not grab her hand he didn't listen. So I said of course cancel, you should not do something you feel uncomfortable to, and don't let anyone pressure you into a date you don't really want.

 

 

 

I thought she would tell him she is not interested in him 'that way' but no, she gave the boy the go around, gave him excuses like we're going out, she has classes, etc. and worse ---->>> She also wrote a little story about him on social media, made his phone number public!!!!!!! so other kids could call/text him and give him a bad time *sigh*

 

 

 

We had a little conversation about being *forward* with people, to speak up *to them* when they make us uncomfortable, to stand up for herself and to not act sneaky the way she did.

 

 

I gave my daughter (her sister) the job of talking to her about the serious consequences of putting someone's phone number online.

 

 

 

I wasn't impress the way she handled that boy but after all the time I spent in the dating section on here I can tell she acted like a lot of young, and not so young, women do. It's not right.

[noelle303]

I do need to teach her better tools. There was another boy (her age) that showed a lot of interest. He invited himself over to play video-games for last Sunday. At the last minute she asked me if it was ok to cancel, she didn't like how he suffocated her with his over-attention and each time she told him to not grab her hand he didn't listen. So I said of course cancel, you should not do something you feel uncomfortable to, and don't let anyone pressure you into a date you don't really want.

 

 

 

I thought she would tell him she is not interested in him 'that way' but no, she gave the boy the go around, gave him excuses like we're going out, she has classes, etc. and worse ---->>> She also wrote a little story about him on social media, made his phone number public!!!!!!! so other kids could call/text him and give him a bad time *sigh*

 

 

 

We had a little conversation about being *forward* with people, to speak up *to them* when they make us uncomfortable, to stand up for herself and to not act sneaky the way she did.

 

 

I gave my daughter (her sister) the job of talking to her about the serious consequences of putting someone's phone number online.

 

 

 

I wasn't impress the way she handled that boy but after all the time I spent in the dating section on here I can tell she acted like a lot of young, and not so young, women do. It's not right.

 

Yeah, she's only 14 and just starting out in that world. She's bound to make mistakes and stupid choices and not act appropriatly.

 

The most important thing is to keep communication open and educate her whenever you see things like that.

[preraph]

It's so important to tell girls it's alright to tell a guy no and necessary to make boundaries. She has good instincts to avoid that smothering one! But she needs to know it's okay to rid herself of him entirely without worrying about his feelings. One thing that made an impression on me is when I read that guys who are pushy know they're being pushy. It's no accident. You shouldn't care if they like you saying no or not.