JEYT Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Hi, I am new here. I am a single, in an affair with a MW for the last 2 years. She has 2 kids, married for 12 years . We are in deep love each other. Deep connection in every way and all senses. In the last 4 months, she asked me time, to be alone ( she came back 2 days after), Time to try her marriage again ( 2 days after, came back again). I supported her. Finally she got divorced 1 month ago. Of course she is carrying with her a huge baggage. But now we are starting planning our future, she is feeling really sad, crying all days, as she is coping with grief and loss her marriage She is asking me now space again ( the space and time she didn't know how to take in the past). I understand her, we are in NC for the last week. , I would like to move on, tired of asking me time to decide between her past life and myself My rational mind is lost, to protect and avoid more pain hurt to myself staying in the limbo and into her decision, or to wait her again. The only thing I am not moving on is because she got divorced so I think I should wait for a final decision. I will appreciate your comments into this. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 (edited) Endings are difficult even when fully wanted. She may need some time to process all the emotions. May not have to do with time to decide if she wants you or not. Ask for clarity. Edited October 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of starting post Link to post Share on other sites
Author JEYT Posted October 24, 2018 Author Share Posted October 24, 2018 (edited) Thank you Starswillshine, Unfortunately she can't not give me now clarity because she is immersed in an emotional fog. She was never in love with her husband. I think you are right that she needs time to process all the emotions, but also I am starting thinking in myself and really hate being in limbo again. She said she want to be with me and she is in deep love, but she needs more time. I think i owe her the time she is asking but part of my minds want to protect me to avoid more pain in the eventual case she goes back to her marriage, and for it I should let he go now. Edited October 24, 2018 by JEYT Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Thank you Starswillshine, Unfortunately she can't not give me now clarity because she is immersed in an emotional fog. She was never in love with her husband. I think you are right that she needs time to process all the emotions, but also I am starting thinking in myself and really hate being in limbo again. She said she want to be with me and she is in deep love, but she needs more time. I think i owe her the time she is asking but part of my minds want to protect me to avoid more pain in the eventual case she goes back to her marriage, and for it I should let he go now. I can only give you my perspective from what I am going through. I am going through a divorce, that should be final real soon. My husband had the affair, he would now do anything to get me back. I dont want the marriage. I dont feel for him the same way. I am way past the point of being able to work out our marriage. But it is hard. Really hard. I cry a lot. I get bummed when I see pictures of happy families. I need time to grieve the loss. Even though it is what I need and 100% what I want. I hope you can find answers and peace. It is a hard place for you to be in. Only you can decide when you have had enough waiting. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Do you know why her marriage finally ended, OP? Did her husband find out about the affair? You said she is already divorced, which seems fairly quick, but perhaps you live in an area where it's possible. Affairs don't often transition well into healthy, long-term relationships. Some do, I realize, and I know a couple who started as an affair but has now been married longer than either were married to their first spouses. However, the odds are generally against it. The affair partner is frequently an escape from the doldrums of a boring or unhappy marriage, but once the security of the marriage is really gone and life really changes, the affair starts to lose its luster, in a dramatic way. The cheater might experience regret, or they might simply want to put it all behind them and move on from their past completely - including the affair. As such, affair partners are often catalysts that end a marriage and springboards into a new life, but they often get left in the dust. I would take time and space for yourself now, and ask yourself if you could really ever trust this woman. You know what she is capable of, both in betraying a partner and in bouncing back and forth between men while she tends to her own interests above anyone else's. Think about this carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 How old are you? Do you have/want children? These are factors in how much time you might want to invest in waiting. For my marriage it took 3 years for me to truly accept it was done. But a week before that, I would have been upset if my STBX asked for a D. But I think that was fear of being alone. I'm not sure how much time she had to process the ending of her M. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Welcome to LS.... Been here a long time and can't think of one instance on this forum where the advice on an affair was anything other than walk away. That's kinda redundant around here anyway. Kinda like water is wet. Unless a MW is firmly into a BBD (bigger better deal), OM's are for use and disposal. If you're that BBD she usually won't do the space thing because, yup, she doesn't want to lose a high value male. If other, variable, but the space thing is often a prelude to the ejection thing or the under the bus thing. If you want to hang around and find out, cool, good luck. Seen a lot of MW's, loved a few, might play with one now and again but overall, nah, walk away BTW, have you seen the case summary at the court with the date of dissolution? Trust but verify. Seen and heard it all. Been divorced too and know how that works. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 When I left my marriage, I had a lot to deal with. Shortly after we separated, I started dating someone. My ex was giving me hell, I was trying to juggle being a new single parent, having a bf, etc. Things were fine for him until I asked for a weekend a month to myself. I felt overwhelmed, flooded from all directions. My bf concluded - wrongly - that I didn’t love him as much as he loved me. Once, I dropped my son off at his dad’s and I felt sad when I drove away as they stood in the front yard. I told my bf that if things could’ve been fixed, I’d stay in my marriage. Wrong thing to say. More evidence that I didn’t love him as I should. We broke up because I got tired of his pouting. A person’s world is upended when they have a child. The last thing most people want to do is break up their family and, even when it’s the right choice, it hurts like hell. What my ex husband never understood is that he took away my dreams just as much as I took away his. Just because I left didn’t mean I wasn’t hurt over the demise of our marriage. The last thing your gf needs is for you to pressure her. If you continue to do that, your relationship will not survive. She left her husband, not you. I mean, you should still date and be together but you also need to give her her space - especially when the kid is with the dad. In other words, make sure she has time that’s completely hers. She will love you for that. She is going through a lot and that could go on for a year or more. If you want to be with her, stop taking it personally and be patient. When all the dust has settled, she’ll realize how lucky she is to have you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JEYT Posted October 24, 2018 Author Share Posted October 24, 2018 Thank you for reading me, for your time and replies. As stated, I am single, have a wonderfull 20 years old daughters and divorced from her mother 7 years ago I am 45, she is 40. I met her 8 years ago in our yoga classes, and our affair started 2 years ago. At first was in low motion, then we fell deeply in love. She divorced just 1 month ago. I went a couple of times to her new home. Part of my mind says what Carhill stated, I should walk away. The other part is telling me and as bathtub-row wrote, she left her husband, not me, and I should give her time to deal with all her emotions. I am a person that value and take care of myself, and have a high self-esteem, that does not mean I suffer for this, which really hurts but I'm a little lost Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 When I left my marriage, I had a lot to deal with. Shortly after we separated, I started dating someone. My ex was giving me hell, I was trying to juggle being a new single parent, having a bf, etc. Things were fine for him until I asked for a weekend a month to myself. I felt overwhelmed, flooded from all directions. My bf concluded - wrongly - that I didn’t love him as much as he loved me. Once, I dropped my son off at his dad’s and I felt sad when I drove away as they stood in the front yard. I told my bf that if things could’ve been fixed, I’d stay in my marriage. Wrong thing to say. More evidence that I didn’t love him as I should. We broke up because I got tired of his pouting. A person’s world is upended when they have a child. The last thing most people want to do is break up their family and, even when it’s the right choice, it hurts like hell. What my ex husband never understood is that he took away my dreams just as much as I took away his. Just because I left didn’t mean I wasn’t hurt over the demise of our marriage. The last thing your gf needs is for you to pressure her. If you continue to do that, your relationship will not survive. She left her husband, not you. I mean, you should still date and be together but you also need to give her her space - especially when the kid is with the dad. In other words, make sure she has time that’s completely hers. She will love you for that. She is going through a lot and that could go on for a year or more. If you want to be with her, stop taking it personally and be patient. When all the dust has settled, she’ll realize how lucky she is to have you. Or the dust settles and she realizes she wants to be single or explore dating others and after being her support system she says thanks, see ya. When she's ready for a relationship it may or may not be with you, whether or not you are right there at the ready yourself. Because she's not thinking about your relationship, she's thinking about all the stresses she's dealing with. Link to post Share on other sites
bmh Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 How long was she separated before the divorce was final? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JEYT Posted October 25, 2018 Author Share Posted October 25, 2018 Because she's not thinking about your relationship, she's thinking about all the stresses she's dealing with. That is what is going on now, she need to focus on herself to be with a clear mind Link to post Share on other sites
Author JEYT Posted October 25, 2018 Author Share Posted October 25, 2018 How long was she separated before the divorce was final? I would say just 2 months.... Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 I would say just 2 months.... That's quick. I'm a year out. I'm happy with my decision. But the finality still stings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JEYT Posted October 25, 2018 Author Share Posted October 25, 2018 That's quick. I'm a year out. I'm happy with my decision. But the finality still stings. Very true.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JEYT Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 Finally she is evaluating to return to her M to see that she is really over her H , ... otherwise she will be not able for a new relationship.. I have delete and blocked her. Time to.move on Time to learn Time to heal. Great life lesson. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Finally she is evaluating to return to her M to see that she is really over her H , ... otherwise she will be not able for a new relationship.. I have delete and blocked her. Time to.move on Time to learn Time to heal. Great life lesson. He left her, shacked up with the OW who he hit pregnant and she is evaluating the relationship? Poor girl... she will never be happy in there. But she is right. She needs to make sure 100%. Wouldnt be fair to you. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 The olny way i can break away is by telling his wife. and have just done it a 2nd time. but as always she taken him back. but this is to stops him trying to get back with me. worse that i have a son and pregnant again Now he wont come near me that will teach him. Link to post Share on other sites
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