Expectation with co-parenting with Ex-Wife

[pi2016]

Hello all,

 

I've been divorced for about three years now. During those three years my ex-wife and I have done a fairly good job of co-parenting. We have 50/50 shared placement and joint custody. However, there have been a couple of breaches of the legal agreement that have irked me a bit, and we've argued a bit about those breaches. Argument usually ends with my ex telling me she is offended that I am trying to bully her into changing her mind about something.

 

Here are a few examples:

 

First BIG breach - Ex wife calls me to inform me that she has taken my 10 year old daughter to a 'woman's' store and purchased a vibrator for her! First of all, I think it's completely inappropriate, but she informs me that she has talked to some child psychologists and they thought it was a good idea to have the Mother discuss masturbation with her 10 year old, as well as take her to buy a vibrator because that shows my daughter that it's okay to have those kinds of feelings and how to deal with them. I thought it sounded fine if my daughter was 16 or so, but 10? And, my ex didn't even talk to me about it first. I expressed my disappointment. She called me a bully.

 

Second Breach - Not a biggie, but my ex bought my daughter a $1000 iPhone! My daughter had a phone already, but I wasn't sure why she needed the latest iPhone at 11 years of age.

 

Most recent breach - My daughter attends private school (religious based) and she is in 7th grade. My ex had a discussion with my daughter about whether she wanted to attend again in 8th grade or go to public school? My daughter expressed some interest in public school but wasn't sure. My ex tells my daughter that if she chooses to go to public school that she would support that decision and was all in favor of it. This was without even talking to me! I thought it was a BIG breach of our co-parenting agreement as this was about one of the BIG things sighted in co-parenting agreements (school and religion). Talking about where the child goes to school is a)not the child's choice and, b)a change in school shouldn't be discussed and encouraged before even talking to the other parent about it. My daughter has since decided she wants to stay in private school through the end of 8th grade, so it doesn't matter anymore but I felt as though my ex should not have indicated a yay or nay about a school change without consulting with me first. And, I also don't think she should have told my daughter that it was her choice...because in all reality it is not her choice at the age of 12! I argued with my ex about the way this was handled....again, charged with being a bully.

 

Other breaches include taking my daughter to Wiccan festivals and teaching her about Wiccan when we agreed to raise her as Catholic until confirmation age when the daughter can then make her own choice. Not disappointed about the Wiccan festivals, just disappointed that I was told about it afterwards....not before!

 

So, what says the LoveShack community? Am I bully? Or, do I have reason to be concerned about my exes lack of understanding what co-parenting with a joint custody agreement means? If you were me, would you take legal action? Or, just leave things be? If you took legal action, what kind of action would you take?

 

Not looking for legal advice....just opinions. I have a lawyer for legal advice if I wanted that.

[grays]

I’m answering more as a parent with 50% custody than someone who knows what legal rights you guys have...

 

First, if it were me, I wouldn’t be thinking about taking her to court for two reasons. It may very well make future dealings with her a lot harder and your daughter is bound to either be told or to feel that things are getting hostile. I probably shy away from involving the courts too much. My ex has decided to only pay me two thirds of the court ordered child support. I could really use that money, of course. But I don’t want to have a war with him. (He has better watch his step tho bc if he gets difficult about anything else it’ll probably put me over the edge and then he’s gonna find that he owes a year and a half back child support.)

 

I believe that parents sharing custody should keep their noses out of the other person’s parenting decisions unless they think real damage is being done. I can see being miffed regarding the phone, but that wouldn’t rise to the level of actionable to me. I wouldn’t like the talk about school, but I’d probably chalk it up to “all’s well that ends well,” and if it really bothered me, talk to your ex about it.

 

The vibrator thing is a little weird. If a ten year old is masturbating, I guess more power to them but it almost seems to me that going about it the good old fashioned way should be fine. The real issue there for me would be that besides being supportive with whatever my child comes to me to help with, I would be wary of inserting myself into that — seems like by definition (almost) masturbation is a pretty private undertaking, at least for a child. When my son has his first wet dream he kinda brought it to my attention, I think because it scared him and maybe made him feel out of control. He woke me up at 1 am to ask if he could take a shower and he was clearly upset. Because he’d woken me up, I was slow to realize what had happened, so my first response was “why?” and then it immediately hit me why and before he had time to answer I said, “of course! You can take a shower anytime you need to, no need for permission.” Later he told me he might have had an “accident,” and I said “it probably wasn’t’t pee, right?” And then just told him that he/it was perfectly normal, nothing to worry or be upset about and it’s happening to all of the boys his age, if he wants to talk about it me or his dad are there to talk, but he didn’t have to if it feels uncomfortable. I kinda feel like anything more would be an invasion. I certainly can’t imagine picking sex toys out with or for him. It does feel like crossing a line. Is there maybe some reason for it? Is your daughter acting out somehow?

 

Even though I’m creeped out by the vibe thing, I’m not sure court is quite right unless it feels unhealthy or abusive. And if your wife really has so-called experts she can point to, that could be a problem. But I might be bothered enough...

[Mr. Lucky]

Or, do I have reason to be concerned about my exes lack of understanding what co-parenting with a joint custody agreement means?

 

You have lots of reason for concern based on your own wants but very little recourse.

 

pi2016, the co-parenting dynamic you're describing is the same one that leads to divorce in the first place. There's fundamental disagreements in style, substance and values, and a decision is made that divorce is better than any alternative. What's missing on your part is acceptance of the trade-off involved - in exchange for freedom, you surrender control. This includes iPhones, birds/bees discussions and conjectures about school systems.

 

So no, I wouldn't want my 10-yr old to get a sex toy. But I'd also recognize that, out side of specific legal and/or safety parameters, it's not an interaction with mom I could prevent.

 

Might be time for the Serenity Prayer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pi2016]

Thanks for the replies so far. They kind of represent what I've been thinking. I don't want to take legal action because I don't want to go to war with her and have things become worse!

 

The sex toy, really, really bothered me. I looked at it as, what if I as a father, and a male, bought my 10 year old daughter a vibrator, instead of her mother? Would that not have been immediately defined as sexual abuse of a minor? Why is it different just because Mom did it? I agree it is not somewhere any parent should be going with a 10 year old!

 

So, for now, I have just been arguing, although not hard. Like I said, if I disagree with a decision she has made that I felt should have involved both of us.....I get accused of being a bully!!! I've had to remind her multiple times that just because I have a disagreement with her over parenting does not make me a bully. I'm actually entitled to disagree if I feel it goes against what I think is in the best interest of the child.

 

I definitely wasn't going to take her to court over the school thing as in most cases the court will say that if BOTH parents don't agree - nothing changes. So, she is actually the one that would have to take it up with the court if she wanted to change my daughters school and I said no. By informing her that that is the way it generally works.....got called a bully again.

Edited October 24, 2018 by pi2016
typos

[Mr. Lucky]

I definitely wasn't going to take her to court over the school thing as in most cases the court will say that if BOTH parents don't agree - nothing changes. So, she is actually the one that would have to take it up with the court if she wanted to change my daughters school and I said no. By informing her that that is the way it generally works.....got called a bully again.

 

So using this as an example, and knowing in advance how this works, why even discuss it with her?

 

Like I said, if I disagree with a decision she has made ...

 

... keep it to yourself. What's your track record in changing her mind so far?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Normm]

Speaking as a father who was the noncustodial parent for 2 girls during and after the divorce during a time when they were age 14 and 10 through emancipation I would say that I probably would have pursued a court action on the school part, although it would have had to be the reverse- I'm an athiest and that's how my kids were raised (although she has a catholic upbringing) and if she wanted to put them in a religious school I would have brought an action to try to prevent it.

 

The rest of it? I don't know the kid wants a vibrator give her a freaking vibrator. Kids are maturing early nowadays. I think it's milk hormones or something. Yes it would be weird if dad did it for her because that's how gender bias works but it's irrelevant in this case.

 

The iphone? It's not up to you how mom spends her money on your daughter. Not sure why you'd think it would be any of your business. At least mom cares enough to give her expensive things, it could be the reverse- child support dollars end up going to mom's boyfriend and the kids never see it.

Edited October 24, 2018 by Normm

[Surfer Joe]

I'm in a similar position regarding custody and placement. It has not always been smooth sailing...but one thing I've learned is to pick my battles. It's definitely okay to disagree and it's okay to speak your mind and to let your opinion be known. I would not pursue it further at this point. If your child is in danger...yeah...then push it as far as you need to.

 

It sounds like your ex maybe acts without thinking and that she doesn't respect boundaries like she should. When something happens that you're not okay with - keep bringing it up. Keep the conversation going.

 

I know it's tough. I had inklings that my ex was going to push for my kids to move from the school they're in now (which is where I live) to the school district she lives in (not too far away). I would have definitely fought that. There is no reason for the change...but I would have only taken it to court as a last resort. It would have been a nuclear option for me because the damage would have been substantial.

 

In the end - the best thing for your child is for you and your ex to get along as best as you can and that means both fighting for your voice, but also keeping the lines of communication open. It won't always be a great, but it's worth the effort.