Be happy in an unhappy marriage?

[foxy418]

My intent isn't to leave this marriage. At least not now, due to me being pregnant with my third daughter, financial issues, and me living in my husbands country, where I am completely dependent on him, and cannot leave without him signing an agreement to take the children out of the country.

So I am stuck and perhaps so is he.

Our marriage is sometimes good or really bad. We have moments where we enjoy eachothers company, but usually watching a tv show together, I'd say 20%, and the 80% of our marriage is really bad. We fight, I am left ignored like i dont even exist, for days after, completely alone, and feeling like I have no one. He has called me names, said things, not even my worst enemy has said. He always assumes the worst of me and always takes his mother side. He makes me feel like a bad mother, if his mother disagrees with how i raise my child.

He is probably no happier than me, although, i do not call him names, and I maintain respect for him. But he says i complain about everything, especially his mother and where i live. I do. and he says he is so very very tired of me.

When i bring up divorce, he will either ignore the issue and later say we are fine (Im pretty sure this is for the kids).

I do love him and sometimes i even pity him, because of how he was raised by his mother, he has a lot of issues (she also ignores him if he doesnt do what she likes). But then, when we are bad, i start to dislike him and i dont see how we are right for eachother, or how I can be happy with him. I often picture myself moving back to the states as a single mother. I would miss him if we separated, but I'd survive.

We dont communicate well, and I'm not looking to better this marriage any longer. Many years I tried. I dont want to go see counseling. I have accepted that this is what my marriage is like and it is okay. Maybe one day it will change... Probably not, and maybe one day one of us will leave.

Till then, is it possible to disconnect yourself from your marriage, to be happy regardless? To even pretend we are okay, and not bitter, or unhappy, just two happy people living under the same roof.. and basically fall out of love, and be indifferent? Not sure if it makes sense...anyone ever been in a situation like this?

[SunnyWeather]

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation years ago, but with no kids. What I did was find things I liked in my adopted country, made some friends, and took up some new hobbies. In other words, I found a life outside and away from my now ex. All along, I was mindful of being aware of when an opportunity would present itself for me to move back to my home country.

 

I waited it out, minimized as much as I could the fighting,even enjoyed some good times with the now ex despite how toxic our dynamic was. But, when the day came--years later--that I knew eventually would-- (and with a lot of praying and envisioning the life I wanted)-- the day arrived and I leaped into the abyss. I didn't look back.

 

I still miss my second (really third or fourth) country, but I know that I can go back and even live there again if I so choose---on my own terms

 

Do you still have family and friends in your home country? Divorce is possible across continents, but very difficult with limited funds.

 

Best to you

[foxy418]

All my family is in my home country. My family is small, just parents who are struggling financially too and my brother.

A couple of years ago I found a lawyer that specializes in international divorce with kids, however the cost was SO high i had to forget about it.

Only God can really help me, but till he does this is just my life.

[LauraXX]

But there must be other options than those two extremes (leaving the country with your kids vs. not changing anything). Nobody should be forced to stay with a partner they're not happy with. And I'm convinced that it's not in the childrens' best interest either. They grow up with a mother who is permanently unhappy and completely dependent on a man who doesn't treat her with respect. Is that what you want them to identify with?

 

 

 

You didn't say what country you're living in. But in most countries you have non-profit organizations that give legal advice to women, maintain women's refuges etc. They could help you to move out, get settled in your own place, learn to stand on your own legs in that country. Maybe it would help to just live apart for a little while to make him realize that he has to treat you better and that he can't take you for granted.