Wife cheated with her boss

[ChrisH81]

Desperate for help here. Please guide me if you can.

 

Bottom line - my wife is cheating with her boss. Bumped into messages on her phone that were very explicit and revealing.

She doesn't know I know. Locked myself up in the office pretending to work after hours. I cannot hold it for much longer.

 

If I pretend nothing happened (we have a son so I cannot just get up and go), hoping she comes to her senses and stops - I won't be able to hide it (and she may may never stop?)

If I tell her I know and she denies - I don't have copies of the messages, she may tell me I'm just a psycho and I'll be guessing for the years to come.

And if she admits it in my face - well, 1st time I can say "I don't know what I'd do with him/her/myself" literally.

 

What must I do NOW?

Apparently I have no one else to turn to with this s****t. Please help.

[Marc878]

First thing is inform his wife without warning. Do not tell your wife a thing at this time.

 

You'd be wise to dig and get evidence then store it in a safe place. Don't go off half cocked and make it worse on yourself.

 

Do not make the mistake of helping hide their affair.

 

She will blame you for this so don't take the bait.

 

An affair is a conscious and willing decision on her part. You didn't make her do it and it didn't just happen. It wasn't a mistake either.

 

All cheaters lie, hide and deny. Expect it!!!!

Edited October 25, 2018 by Marc878

[Marc878]

Don't depend on her coming to her senses. She's neck deep in an affair.

 

The affair will trump everything, you, your family, etc.

 

Let OM's wife deal with him.

 

Keep your wits about you. You can make or break this with your actions so think and tread carefully.

 

Tell her you're sick, no feeing well, have the flu.

 

Dig........

[ChrisH81]

First thing is inform his wife without warning. Do not tell your wife a thing at this time.

 

You'd be wise to dig and get evidence then store it in a safe place. Don't go off half cocked and make it worse on yourself.

 

Do not make the mistake of helping hide their affair.

 

She will blame you for this so don't take the bait.

 

An affair is a conscious and willing decision on her part. You didn't make her do it and it didn't just happen. It wasn't a mistake either.

 

All cheaters lie, hide and deny. Expect it!!!!

 

So are you saying she will either deny it or admit and blame me? I mean she cannot really do both, right? That's if I tell her.

 

But you're also saying don't tell her but pretend I know nothing and try to hey hold of her phone and the messages?

 

And at the same time somehow find his wife and tell her, even if I have no proof?

 

I'm sorry, having hard try understand what are you saying.

 

And thanks of course.

[Starswillshine]

Get all the info you can NOW. Before you let on that you know. Find out everything you can. So that when you present to your wife, you can tell how remorseful she is (maybe not immediately). But you will have some details to know what is truths and what isnt. I wish I would have done this. Or at least had the ability to. Would have saved me a lot of heart ache. It may be your only ability to find out the real truth in your life.

[TheRainbow]

You could do what my husband did when he found out about my affair with my boss the first time. He made an anonymous report to headquarters and he was transferred. The second time with the same man, he confronted the guy in the parking lot, and he and I were both fired.

[ChrisH81]

Don't depend on her coming to her senses. She's neck deep in an affair.

 

The affair will trump everything, you, your family, etc.

 

Let OM's wife deal with him.

 

Keep your wits about you. You can make or break this with your actions so think and tread carefully.

 

Tell her you're sick, no feeing well, have the flu.

 

Dig........

 

The forum didn't let me to edit my message.

 

I told her I'm working long hours to stay away from home and buy some time.

[Starswillshine]

Oh and breathe. You will get through this. I promise. It doesnt feel like it right now. But you will.

[Marc878]

So are you saying she will either deny it or admit and blame me? I mean she cannot really do both, right? That's if I tell her.

 

But you're also saying don't tell her but pretend I know nothing and try to hey hold of her phone and the messages?

 

And at the same time somehow find his wife and tell her, even if I have no proof?

 

I'm sorry, having hard try understand what are you saying.

 

And thanks of course.

 

Most cheaters will lie and deny upfront. If that doesn't work they will try and blame you.

 

Bad husband, bad father, etc, etc. you aren't perfect. None of us are but you didn't cause her to have an affair. That's all on her.

 

She's not perfect either. Did that cause you to cheat? Get the point?

 

Talk, words usually have no impact. Actions like exposing to his wife are consequences that can't so easily be ignored. It should be done without warning.

 

If he's he boss he will have severe repercussions at work if you inform their HR department. Her since she's under him not so much but they both could be terminated.

 

If they have contact the affair will continue do it cones gown to is her job worth your marriage?

[ChrisH81]

Oh and breathe. You will get through this. I promise. It doesnt feel like it right now. But you will.

 

Thank you. It does feel like there's a shortage of air around here.

[ChrisH81]

You could do what my husband did when he found out about my affair with my boss the first time. He made an anonymous report to headquarters and he was transferred. The second time with the same man, he confronted the guy in the parking lot, and he and I were both fired.

 

Thanks, enjoyed thinking about this. I will consider when a I have an iron clad proof (still part of me screams "it's a mistake").

Besides in my company I'd ask for facts before terminating an employee. He is a partner in a law firm by the way.

[Marc878]

Do not cry, beg or plead !!!!!! This will just lower your status and make her boss look even better.

 

Don't do the infamous "pick me dance" or try nicing her back. Those have the same undesirable effect.

 

I know you're in shock etc. those that come out of these situations best get strong and take control quick.

 

If you don't you'll wallow in this longer than you should.

 

Get a plan and execute. Don't blow up and yell, scream etc

 

You need to determine what you want. Upfront most just want them back but later you'll realize. What did you get back. Even if that happens.

 

Thats a myth. They all come back. They don't always.

 

Get strong and stay there. You can't trust her or anything she says at this time

[Marc878]

Chances are he's done this before. Buy time and collect evidence. Her phone obviously is the best source. Google voice activated recorders in your state. If they are one party you can slip,one in her car, etc.

 

Check all Emails.

 

Go online and download the phone bill. You may get the usage of calls, texts, etc.

 

The best way would be a PI but they are pricey. Can you afford it? That would be the best. Unless you are good at technology.

 

Can you get access to her phone? Do you have her passcode,

 

You can sync it to a PC and get a recovery system to recover deleted texts, pics, etc. you would need her password.

 

Stay as quite as possible. Eyes and ears open.

 

However, you know what you saw so

[Marc878]

Thanks, enjoyed thinking about this. I will consider when a I have an iron clad proof (still part of me screams "it's a mistake").

Besides in my company I'd ask for facts before terminating an employee. He is a partner in a law firm by the way.

 

A lot go into denial at this time. That would be a grave mistake on your part.

 

No one is prepared for this. She put you in this situation so now you have to deal with it.

 

Sorry you're here

[ChrisH81]

Thanks, need to digest the info. Sorry if you have to dumb it down for me - yes I'm here to get a plan of sorts. Head is spinning 360, so may need a "101" version?

 

PI as of Private Investigator? Easy to afford but - us this my reality now, seriously?

[Marc878]

Thanks, need to digest the info. Sorry if you have to dumb it down for me - yes I'm here to get a plan of sorts. Head is spinning 360, so may need a "101" version?

 

PI as of Private Investigator? Easy to afford but - us this my reality now, seriously?

 

Yes private investigator. They are expensive. Under the circumstances your best bet. Google the ones in your area and you should be able to find pricing too.

 

I'm sorry man but this is your reality now.

 

Unless you just confront. The chances of her coming clean and this just going deeper underground happen all the time.

 

Just because you know and confront her doesn't mean it'll end.

 

The key is his wife or The company HR, but you'll need proof if you go that route or its your word against theirs and she will probably side with him.

 

He is dirty enough to even sue you for slander I'd suspect.

 

Calm down and figure out what you want. If you decide to divorce you don't need anything. If you want to try and save this you'll need exposure and that take some evidence. Or you'll be hung out to dry probably unless your wife would be completely remoursefull. However, she is a cheater and can't be trusted.

[Normm]

You need to decide what your ultimate goal is here.

 

Would you consider reconciling or are you done with the marriage? Because your actions going forward depend on which route you plan to take.

 

 

If you plan to divorce, and you live in a state where cheating isn't punished by the courts when determining support or dividing up assets (as it is in most places) then you don't need to prove anything. Stay cool, go see an attorney and proceed to follow the advice of that attorney in protecting your assets and having your wife served with papers. You don't need to say anything to her, and you'll have the advantage of surprise and being able to make some adjustments to protect yourself financially. You don NOT want her fired because you'll be on the hook for more spousal support.

 

If you want to try to save the marriage then you need to blow up the affair. You need to get yourself some rock solid evidence and that may mean anything from getting information off her computer and phone, to planting a voice activated recorder in her car or even her purse, and maybe even hiring a PI to get even more proof.

 

If you confront her in any case she will simply deny or blameshift and you will lose any advantage you have and drive the affair further underground and make it harder to get the proof you need if you are trying to break up the affair.

 

As I type this I hope you're thinking you're going to kick her to the curb and be done with the marriage but unfortunately many betrayed spouses try to hold on to the marriage and fix things and spend the rest of their lives with a person they can never, ever trust. In my mind, it's no way to live but I've never been cheated on thankfully.

[Marc878]

Her other man is an attorney so he's not stupid. You may have right on your side but that won't do you much good unless you're prepared.

 

Better wake up to your new reality and think.

 

They are going to destroy you, your life and family if you aren't carefull.

 

He's not God and can be taken down. You must control your self and think clearly in order to accomplish that though.

 

I took down a police officer once for attempting to hit on my wife.

 

I got witnesses, etc and marched right down to the police station and confronted the chief. I told him you take care of this to my satisfaction or you'll be reading about yourself in the local newspaper.

 

Bam!!!! His career was finished within a week. Calm, cool and rational.

 

You can do this if you play it right

[Marc878]

You need to decide what your ultimate goal is here.

 

Would you consider reconciling or are you done with the marriage? Because your actions going forward depend on which route you plan to take.

 

 

If you plan to divorce, and you live in a state where cheating isn't punished by the courts when determining support or dividing up assets (as it is in most places) then you don't need to prove anything. Stay cool, go see an attorney and proceed to follow the advice of that attorney in protecting your assets and having your wife served with papers. You don't need to say anything to her, and you'll have the advantage of surprise and being able to make some adjustments to protect yourself financially. You don NOT want her fired because you'll be on the hook for more spousal support.

 

If you want to try to save the marriage then you need to blow up the affair. You need to get yourself some rock solid evidence and that may mean anything from getting information off her computer and phone, to planting a voice activated recorder in her car or even her purse, and maybe even hiring a PI to get even more proof.

 

If you confront her in any case she will simply deny or blameshift and you will lose any advantage you have and drive the affair further underground and make it harder to get the proof you need if you are trying to break up the affair.

 

As I type this I hope you're thinking you're going to kick her to the curb and be done with the marriage but unfortunately many betrayed spouses try to hold on to the marriage and fix things and spend the rest of their lives with a person they can never, ever trust. In my mind, it's no way to live but I've never been cheated on thankfully.

 

Yep, exactly. Figure out what you want first

[Normm]

They are going to destroy you, your life and family if you aren't carefull.

 

 

Good post except maybe for this part. There are things he can control, others he can't, he can certainly keep an advantage at least early on, but in the long run the divorce laws tend to govern who gets what. That's the legal side of the picture.

 

 

From the mental perspective- sure the guy can let himself get blown away- some do- or he can stand up and fight. But right now he's understandably reeling and is in shock and awe so it's going to take some time to work through it and figure his next move. Saying they're going to destroy his life might be a bit much.

[Marc878]

Good post except maybe for this part. There are things he can control, others he can't, he can certainly keep an advantage at least early on, but in the long run the divorce laws tend to govern who gets what. That's the legal side of the picture.

 

 

From the mental perspective- sure the guy can let himself get blown away- some do- or he can stand up and fight. But right now he's understandably reeling and is in shock and awe so it's going to take some time to work through it and figure his next move. Saying they're going to destroy his life might be a bit much.

 

His life as he now knows it is in jeapordy. A divorce is financially devastating. 50% asset split. Maybe alimony, child support payments.

 

Not to mention the emotional turmoil it takes. Custody of his child only 50% of the time.

 

So I stand by what I said "his life right now could be destroyed". It won't be the end of his world but what he currently has will be a huge change. It always is.

[Marc878]

No matter what infidelity is a life long gift. It may dissipate but never fully go away.

 

You either accept it and learn to live with it or you don't.

 

No picnic either way.

[Normm]

So I stand by what I said "his life right now could be destroyed". It won't be the end of his world but what he currently has will be a huge change. It always is.

 

 

I'm not disagreeing with you, especially the last part. I'm just saying that telling him "his life will be destroyed" is a lot to lay on the poor guy at this particular moment.

[Marc878]

He has a lot to digest. I've seen what these situations can entail first hand.

 

I'm in finance. When there is an affair it is a conspiracy that has the potential to destroy the current family. You split a household up it usually lowers the living standards of both parties involved. You have the same income but it now has to support two separate living arrangements. Much more expensive than when combined.

 

The affair partners never think about consequences.

 

The poster needs all the info he can get right now.

 

There's a huge amount that needs to be considered.

 

Most jump and confront immediately so he's got that going for him.

 

Now if he can keep it under wraps until he gets a plan together, more info and decide which waybhevwantsvtongo he's ahead of most at this time.

[ChrisH81]

I'm not disagreeing with you, especially the last part. I'm just saying that telling him "his life will be destroyed" is a lot to lay on the poor guy at this particular moment.

 

Feels like it is anyway. Cr**p, never thought this is going to happen.

 

Anyway, after reading your posts multiple times, I think all my next steps depend on if she admits it or nor.

Because I know what I've seen and there is no other explanation to these messages. I am (was) sane and know what they mean. Plus this now really clicks with some recent changes in her.

 

 

So if she admits it, I will request these messages to take next steps. Unless she wants to move out to be with him, I have a family to consider.

If she keeps denying, I take it she's making a fool out of me.

 

Before this I'd need to somehow put my pocker face on… pretend I'm OK and try to access her phone. And if she's sensed the storm and deleted the messages, I'm screwed.