Wife cheated with her boss

[oldlion]

If she ask for her phone back then give it to her. But before you do take pictures, or send to your phone, of all the text and anything else that relates to the affair. When you give her the phone let her know that you have recorded all the evidence and it won't do her any good to delete anything. Tell her if the AP is what she wants then she can have him. In fact while she is packing her clothes you will give him a call to come and pick her up. She just has to figure out how her, him and his wife are going to make sleeping arrangements. And tell the AP's wife what has happened. Right now you are in total charge. What you say and decide is what will take place. What type of personality does your wife have? Her personality and what she does in the face of the exposed affair will have an influence on your decisions. I do wish you well.

[ChrisH81]

You are all miles ahead of me. You say "she's going to keep seeing him, divorce, get her fired".

 

I'm not there yet, I just want to understand what the heck happened, ask her questions, get some sleep. In any order. Married dude many years older. Really?

 

We are going to have a talk like now. Not negotiable. She's not asking for her phone.

 

This is rather small privately own firm, doubt they care unless it all gets public.

[PegNosePete]

I just want to understand what the heck happened

You know what happened. She had/is having a sexual affair with her boss. Now she has got busted and is throwing a toddler tantrum because she can't have her cake and eat it, rather than talking to you like an adult human being.

 

ask her questions

Why? You know she will only lie, lie and lie again in her answers. That is what cheaters do. They lie until the cows come home, and then they keep on lying and lying and lying to cover up their other lies. As already mentioned many times, she will blame shift, deny, trickle truth, gaslight, and lie. That is what they always do! What questions do you want to ask? You have all the answers already.

 

get some sleep

Good luck with that one.

 

Best plan is instead of talking to her, talk to a lawyer ASAP. You need to know where you stand... even if you decide to stay in the marriage.

[BMI03]

You are all miles ahead of me. You say "she's going to keep seeing him, divorce, get her fired".

 

I'm not there yet, I just want to understand what the heck happened, ask her questions, get some sleep. In any order. Married dude many years older. Really?

 

We are going to have a talk like now. Not negotiable. She's not asking for her phone.

 

This is rather small privately own firm, doubt they care unless it all gets public.

 

I am with you here. I would have a deep desire to understand things at a super detailed level. However, as others have pointed out, she will lie. And she will downplay it as much as she can while still leading you to believe she is coming clean.

 

There will also be blame shifting...telling you it was because you were not paying attention to her, or telling you she felt pressure because it was her boss and she didn't know what to do. Watch for this. It may come across subtle at first, but there will be attempts by her to reduce her accountability for her actions. Don't buy it! No matter what, she had the option to not cheat, but instead she was selfish and chose to cheat. That's on her and no one else.

[Normm]

You are all miles ahead of me..

 

Not really. I get it, you're reeling and in shock. But the sooner you take control of the situation the better off you will be in the long run. At the moment, while it's understandable, you are being way too passive.

 

You confronted her- and luckily got some semblence of a confession - maybe. It can also work against you if you decide to divorce and need more proof aside from some text messages. She's probably spent the last 24 hours trying to figure out how to water it down and explain away those texts as best she can.

 

She's throwing a tantrum, a crying fit- and you're letting her do as she pleases- and you don't even know if it's because the affair is over, because she thinks the marriage is over, or because she's just scared that she got caught and doesn't know what's going to happen or what people will think of her. Maybe some of those tears are for you but don't count on it.

 

You should not let her just sit in there and cry and throw out the occasional "sorry". You need to get your child out of there- to a relative or babysitter, and you need to get in her face and lean on her - HARD. Start throwing her crap out the back door into the yard and yell at her that mr affair dude can come pick it up along with her- that sort of thing. She's no better than a spoiled child who got away with something for way too long- now it's time for consequences.

 

Right now you are doing nothing and that won't get you anywhere. Taking aggressive action is probably the last thing you want to do, but for your best interests, you have to.

[aliveagain]

If you do nothing else for now, make screenshots of her texts to her boss and save them somewhere she can't get access to them, expose the affair to the O/M's betrayed wife, she deserves the truth about her husband and your wife. It sounds from her texts that they are having hookups at the office(the comment about almost getting caught makes that clear), they can't work together anymore. He's a partner, your wife will be fired. Talk to a lawyer so you know your rights. It doesn't sound like your wife is remorseful, she never expected to get caught and by her behavior is only sorry she got caught. Remorseful spouses don't lock themselves in their room, they cling to you begging for another chance.

 

If she protects the other man you will know who she's loyal to. Before you decide on reconciliation or divorce have her write out a timeline of everything that happened in the affair, times, dates, where, how many times, what they did, said to each other, did they talk about you, about the things you shared only with your wife, did she do things for him she doesn't do for you, did she tell him she loves him? Do not wait for her to decide your future, take control. Did she bring him into your home, did they meet in your car? This would be a good time to let her know that you have doubts about her honesty and that she will be required to pass a polygraph test after you get her timeline with an examiner of your choosing(regardless if you do or not, she needs to know your going to confirm what she tells you). Do not make threats you are not prepared to defend. Tell her what you expect from her and the time frame you expect it in. The O/M will know something is up if she isn't going to work(assuming she has no way of communicating with him) and is already in damage control.

Edited October 30, 2018 by aliveagain

[S2B]

Do not give her the option to go back to that job if she intends to stay married to you!

[40somethingGuy]

So are you saying you've stayed but your relationship is far from being the sane and you ate dismissive and uninterested? That you wish you had pulled the plug.

 

 

 

You know, I really don't know if I wished I pulled the plug or not. She will always be tainted to me. The best way I can describe it is the roller coaster that you can't seem to get off. Some days I really love my wife and some days something will set me off where the feelings of being betrayed overwhelm me and I end up treating her like crap for basically nothing. The OM lives 3 streets away and I have to drive by his (crappy) townhouse to get home. Sometimes I will see the obese, hairy beast outside and I will immediately get upset and take it out on her. Meanwhile she is wondering what she did wrong. I'd say I am more consistent now than I was but the anger consumed me for a really long time. I was floored she would do this with a married guy of 3 kids. Sometimes I just wonder if I went ahead and filed how things would turn out.

[ChrisH81]

You know, I really don't know if I wished I pulled the plug or not. She will always be tainted to me. The best way I can describe it is the roller coaster that you can't seem to get off. Some days I really love my wife and some days something will set me off where the feelings of being betrayed overwhelm me and I end up treating her like crap for basically nothing. The OM lives 3 streets away and I have to drive by his (crappy) townhouse to get home. Sometimes I will see the obese, hairy beast outside and I will immediately get upset and take it out on her. Meanwhile she is wondering what she did wrong. I'd say I am more consistent now than I was but the anger consumed me for a really long time. I was floored she would do this with a married guy of 3 kids. Sometimes I just wonder if I went ahead and filed how things would turn out.

 

Man, that's what concerns me when I start thinking about the future here. That my and our life will be like that if I stay. I'm positive I won't ever fully forgive.

 

And in your case - if I read it right - there was no actual sex involved!

[ChrisH81]

To everyone else - I'm not ignoring the advice, it just my processing queue is overloaded.

I need to create a checklist and follow it, otherwise I'll get drowned.

 

- I do have copies of the texts.

- Son is with someone else, the place he loves staying.

- I managed to have a 1st more or less meaningful albeit brief chat. The problem is that even when she says what I want to hear and want many of you are suggesting, I simply don't believe it - huge shock for both of us.

 

- she denies sex (really?)

- she's not planning to come back to work (OK but is this because she realised how did she ****ed my life or because of the fallout? )

- she never intended to abandon the marriage and "desperately wants to work things out" (then why cheat in the 1st place? )

[40somethingGuy]

Man, that's what concerns me when I start thinking about the future here. That my and our life will be like that if I stay. I'm positive I won't ever fully forgive.

 

And in your case - if I read it right - there was no actual sex involved!

 

I saw in the texts that sex didn't happen because the OM backed down and ended it. It was over a lunch break where she got into his van and 'talked.' There were at least 5 texts where my WW told him she wanted him to f*** her and they talked about going to a PA. This lunch date was supposed to be the 1st session. I remember the day well- I was going to buy her a new car and asked to meet for lunch to discuss a couple options. She declined because she was too busy to take lunch. Only to find out that she declined because she thought she was gonna get some from him in a park across the street from where she works. He told me she offered him a bj and he declined. No sex matters from the standpoint of STD's and the fact that if that walking disease was in my wife I could never touch her again...but intent was there so I take it like she did. It is a crappy burden to live with and it does change the relationship. Ironically, I do think my wife appreciates me more today and there have been times when she will break down and cry for hurting me so badly. She hated herself for hurting me (according to her).

 

 

So, how are things going? Did she finally start to talk? What are your next steps?

[40somethingGuy]

To everyone else - I'm not ignoring the advice, it just my processing queue is overloaded.

I need to create a checklist and follow it, otherwise I'll get drowned.

 

- I do have copies of the texts.

- Son is with someone else, the place he loves staying.

- I managed to have a 1st more or less meaningful albeit brief chat. The problem is that even when she says what I want to hear and want many of you are suggesting, I simply don't believe it - huge shock for both of us.

 

- she denies sex (really?)

- she's not planning to come back to work (OK but is this because she realised how did she ****ed my life or because of the fallout? )

- she never intended to abandon the marriage and "desperately wants to work things out" (then why cheat in the 1st place? )

Regarding the last point, and this is really no comfort, but I think many women struggle with monogamy. Men too. After time, things normalize and life takes over. A chance to sleep with another person can be exciting to a person. They may get bored with the same person who is predictable. A new person brings out excitement. It is just they can't get caught. One thing my wife admitted is that she planned to 'take this to the grave.' That scared me to think her conscience wouldn't kill her. Before I found out, I do remember at church seeing her tear up. She blamed allergies but they were tears rolling. Later told me that she was feeling guilty and asked God not to let me find out because she knew it would devastate me. I found out the next day! So much for those prayers being answered!

 

 

Also, if she denies sex what does she admit to? Of course, it will be very watered down.

Edited October 30, 2018 by 40somethingGuy

[Normm]

even when she says what I want to hear and want many of you are suggesting, I simply don't believe it

 

No reason to believe it. Stay the course.

 

she denies sex

Cheaters lie. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. It's almost like if they say it didn't happen they can almost believe it never happened. Once it's acknowledged, it's a real thing, it's out there, and it can't be put back in its cage.

 

she's not planning to come back to work

 

Great, if you're looking to reconcile. That's how it has to be.

 

he never intended to abandon the marriage and "desperately wants to work things out" (then why cheat in the 1st place? )

 

Why do people drink even though they might be in bed with a serious hangover the next day? Why do people speed down the highway even though "speed kills"?. Why do people engage in risky behavior in the first place? Because they either don't think it through or they don't think they'll get caught.

 

He told me she offered him a bj and he declined.

 

That wasn't in the texts? You know it didn't happen because the OM told you it didn't happen. Which means, it happened. No man declines an offered BJ.

[bathtub-row]

Dang! I’m just so sorry for you that this has happened. Maybe with time the two of you can salvage things but it’s going to take a lot of time. I know a lot of people say you can never trust again and all that but sometimes when a person sees what they’ve done, the pain they’ve caused, and what they nearly lost, it can be a wake-up call for them. While you shouldn’t be too quick to forgive, maybe your marriage can get past this very large hurdle if she handles things the right way.

[ChrisH81]

Dang! I’m just so sorry for you that this has happened. Maybe with time the two of you can salvage things but it’s going to take a lot of time. I know a lot of people say you can never trust again and all that but sometimes when a person sees what they’ve done, the pain they’ve caused, and what they nearly lost, it can be a wake-up call for them. While you shouldn’t be too quick to forgive, maybe your marriage can get past this very large hurdle if she handles things the right way.

 

Thank you very much. Seriously.

[Marc878]

To everyone else - I'm not ignoring the advice, it just my processing queue is overloaded.

I need to create a checklist and follow it, otherwise I'll get drowned.

 

Good idea.

 

- I do have copies of the texts.

- Son is with someone else, the place he loves staying.

- I managed to have a 1st more or less meaningful albeit brief chat. The problem is that even when she says what I want to hear and want many of you are suggesting, I simply don't believe it - huge shock for both of us.

 

Shes in self preservation mode. Cheaters lie a lot and you will not getbthe truth upfront.

 

- she denies sex (really?)

- she's not planning to come back to work (OK but is this because she realised how did she ****ed my life or because of the fallout? )

- she never intended to abandon the marriage and "desperately wants to work things out" (then why cheat in the 1st place? )

 

Schedule a polygraph.

 

It's funny how most when caught give out the "I never intended to leave" speech after they destroy the marriage. Very typical.

 

I'm sorry man but your wayward wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special except it's happening to you.

 

They all follow the basic cheater script. That's all you're getting.

[ChrisH81]

Regarding the last point, and this is really no comfort, but I think many women struggle with monogamy. Men too. After time, things normalize and life takes over. A chance to sleep with another person can be exciting to a person. They may get bored with the same person who is predictable. A new person brings out excitement. It is just they can't get caught. One thing my wife admitted is that she planned to 'take this to the grave.' That scared me to think her conscience wouldn't kill her. Before I found out, I do remember at church seeing her tear up. She blamed allergies but they were tears rolling. Later told me that she was feeling guilty and asked God not to let me find out because she knew it would devastate me. I found out the next day! So much for those prayers being answered!

 

 

Also, if she denies sex what does she admit to? Of course, it will be very watered down.

 

If what you saying is the case I'd better stay single. I can understand someone having an urge or fantasy but not acting on it.

 

If I find out my wife offered sex but it was denied (not that I'm buying it didn't hapoen) for me it will be the same or even worse. Because she couldn't claim she was weak, didn't know what she's doubt, couldn't say no.

 

She admits to having the connection that was way too personal, inappropriate talks (like discussing his sexual issues, she claims it was not about sex wit HER) and some intimate physical contact like hugging and cheek kissing (when apparently they almost got caught).

[ChrisH81]

Schedule a polygraph.

 

It's funny how most when caught give out the "I never intended to leave" speech after they destroy the marriage. Very typical.

 

I'm sorry man but your wayward wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special except it's happening to you.

 

They all follow the basic cheater script. That's all you're getting.

 

Are you serious or sarcastic?

[Marc878]

Dang! I’m just so sorry for you that this has happened. Maybe with time the two of you can salvage things but it’s going to take a lot of time. I know a lot of people say you can never trust again and all that but sometimes when a person sees what they’ve done, the pain they’ve caused, and what they nearly lost, it can be a wake-up call for them. While you shouldn’t be too quick to forgive, maybe your marriage can get past this very large hurdle if she handles things the right way.

 

Unfortunately she is going to try and rugsweep this with trickle truth, etc. Which will just cause even more damage. She'll want to keep her and other mans deep dark secrets hidden.

 

Chris will have to drive this. She won't give up a thing unless she has to.

 

Her actions, the evidence, says this was a physical affair.

 

The truth fixes a lot of things but getting it will not be easy.

[S2B]

Brief chat?

 

A whole day has passed - what has happened today?

 

What did she tell her work?

[Normm]

If I find out my wife offered sex but it was denied (not that I'm buying it didn't hapoen) for me it will be the same or even worse. Because she couldn't claim she was weak, didn't know what she's doubt, couldn't say no.

 

 

Whether or not he performed up to her standards or not doesn't change the fact that they were voluntarily in bed together with no clothes on and attempting to consumate the act.

 

 

She admits to having the connection that was way too personal, inappropriate talks (like discussing his sexual issues, she claims it was not about sex wit HER) and some intimate physical contact like hugging and cheek kissing (when apparently they almost got caught).

 

 

Yes of course she admits to everything nonsexual. It's called "trickle truthing". She's had over a day to figure out how to give you a snow job and you're buying right into it.

[Marc878]

Are you serious or sarcastic?

 

Serious.

 

If you read enough you'll see it too. Go to the infidelity section and go through a few threads. You'll see what I'm talking about. It's the same basic pattern over and over. They may not be exact but pretty close.

 

Unfortunately it's the reality of where you're at.

 

This isn't a special complicated case.

 

Sorry but you need the truth of where you're at so you can better deal with it.

[Marc878]

If what you saying is the case I'd better stay single. I can understand someone having an urge or fantasy but not acting on it.

 

If I find out my wife offered sex but it was denied (not that I'm buying it didn't hapoen) for me it will be the same or even worse. Because she couldn't claim she was weak, didn't know what she's doubt, couldn't say no.

 

She admits to having the connection that was way too personal, inappropriate talks (like discussing his sexual issues, she claims it was not about sex wit HER) and some intimate physical contact like hugging and cheek kissing (when apparently they almost got caught).

 

Her story doesn't line up with the emails do they?

 

Most betrayed spouses in your spot want to believe. It's unfathomable that the wife we though we knew could cheat. But sadly they do.

 

The biggest mistakes are:

 

Staying in denial of what's happened.

Trying to help hide the affair. Not informing the other betrayed spouse (you may get more info here).

Letting the wayward control the situation.

Being affraid and becoming indecisive which keeps you in limbo.

Seeing them for who you want them to be versus who they are.

Accepting lies and trickle truths.

Rugsweeping and regretting it later on.

Not establishing immediate no contact with the AP.

 

In order to have a successful R you need the truth and a remourseful spouse (upfront it's just regret at being caught)

 

You will get good advice. Whether you follow it or not is up to you.

 

The Calvary isn't coming it's all on you.

[40somethingGuy]

No reason to believe it. Stay the course.

 

Cheaters lie. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. It's almost like if they say it didn't happen they can almost believe it never happened. Once it's acknowledged, it's a real thing, it's out there, and it can't be put back in its cage.

 

 

 

Great, if you're looking to reconcile. That's how it has to be.

 

 

 

Why do people drink even though they might be in bed with a serious hangover the next day? Why do people speed down the highway even though "speed kills"?. Why do people engage in risky behavior in the first place? Because they either don't think it through or they don't think they'll get caught.

 

 

 

That wasn't in the texts? You know it didn't happen because the OM told you it didn't happen. Which means, it happened. No man declines an offered BJ.

 

I found it hard to believe but I saw texts indicating nothing happened because of him. He volunteered that she offered a bj but he declined because he decided he didn't want an extra marital affair.

[Normm]

Remember the Superbowl before the last one when the Patriots were getting their butts kicked? They went into the locker room at halftime and reworked their strategy, determined their opponents weakness as well as their own vulnerabilities. They came out of that locker room and kicked a$$ for 2 more quarters and won the game in a stunning turnaround that shocked the nation.

 

You had several advantages going into half time. You knew about the affair, you had evidence, your wife didn't know that you knew, and you had the support of experienced forum members that have been through this exact scenario and were and still are coaching you, in REAL TIME.

 

You chose to ignore most of the advice that said "continue to gather evidence, and work on your strategy and do not approach her with what you know". You not only confronted, but after you did, you backed off. You let your wife work on her strategy for over 24 hours. She's your worst adversary right now and she has all the advantage because you're giving it to her. You will always be one step behind unless you take control of this situation. The longer you wait the worse off you will be.