Wife cheated with her boss

[aliveagain]

I understand what (most of) you are suggesting. I'm expected to explode with actions. Ordering poly, notifying HR, retaining a lawyer, the list goes on.

 

I have asked myself why am I not reacting the way you sort of expect.

And the answer is that I feel that if I do that (except the lawyer, which I'm getting) I will be fitting for the marriage I didn't ruin. It us her job if she wants to "make it up" as she told me.

This is even more humiliating if I have to drive all of that, isn't it.

 

The onus is on her to prove to your satisfaction that nothing more happened, not the other way around. You have more then enough information based on her actions to date to kick her out of your life if that is what you want. If she is telling you the truth you would think that she would do anything to prove what she is telling you is the truth, I would jump at the opportunity to take a polygraph if I was in her position because right now she is guilty as hell. Had you not confronted her guess what she would still be doing with her affair partner at the office tomorrow. The one that cheats is the one that is the least invested in the marriage.

[Normm]

It us her job if she wants to "make it up" as she told me.

This is even more humiliating if I have to drive all of that, isn't it.

 

 

You need to do what is required to break your wife out of what is commonly referred to as the "affair fog" so she can realistically look back on the carnage she has caused by her impulsive, deceptive, reckless and selfish actions. At the moment she isn't capable of doing that.

 

 

 

Only then can the two of you attempt to repair the damage together - at which point the burden will be on her. For the rest of your time together whether it's 2 weeks or 20 years.

[Simple Logic]

I disagree. If a company is large, professional, competitive, it has such ethics rules in place. It doesn’t require harassment complaints at all...just a (even relatively loose) seniority difference, or ability to influence over ones career.

 

Think of a company that hosts yearly performance rankings where employees at each level are laddered. Pay raises, bonuses, opportunities are based on that ranking. Someone in a more senior role cannot be in a relationship with someone in a more junior role without completely disclosing it to the company, and formally removing themselves from such performance processes.

 

I would suspect a law firm would especially be held to these standards given the potential for legal action if another employee felt the opportunities they were given were limited because of this relationship. Doesn’t have to be the case for it to be an issue, so most companies just draw a simple line in the sand that they expect you to follow.

 

The purpose of blowing it up with HR is also not to just ruin lives. It’s to expose the affair full on in public. It brings the WS to the realization of what they have done. It takes them from a position of control (in their eyes) and puts them into a position where they realize they do not control the situation any longer. This is the first step in seeing the harm they did, because they see themselves through other’s eyes. They see the shame for the first time because it’s not a secret any more. It really is the only first step to a true remorse and in turn, a true reconciliation.

 

Wow, you are out of touch with the real world.

 

Real story. Charlie is the Chief Finincial Officer for XX corporation and Amy is a general secretary. Marvin the CEO walks in to observe Charlie banging Amy on his desk. The whole thing was consensual. Charlie worked another 10 years and now is enjoying his retirement and Amy was out looking for a job unheard from again.

 

Paralegals are more expendable than law partners.

Edited November 1, 2018 by Simple Logic

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I would think the fight is over as far as the OP is concerned. He wants status quo to be retained and he will swallow a lot of things to ensure that happens. He is going to reconcile no matter what. I think he has all the facts he needs and then some. If he wanted to be proactive he would have done something by now. However that is not his intention and so I guess it doesn't matter what additional advice is rendered to him. It will be mostly water on duck's back. He will only respond positively to posts that gel with him and satisfy his inner desire to have things back to the old normal that he knew and liked.

 

I say this with a bit of reluctance but the fact is that I have not seen any thing to indicate that the OP is unduly upset or worked up about the obvious and blatant act of infidelity by his wife and the complete disrespect that she has shown him. Infidelity is not a deal breaker for him. It is something that he can take in his stride. People have given him excellent advice but he has tended to either ignore it or shrug it off as something that does not really apply to him. In such a case one can only wish him the very best as he deals with his wife's infidelity in whatever way he can.

[PegNosePete]

I have asked myself why am I not reacting the way you sort of expect.

Actually you are reacting exactly like most of us expect. You are doing exactly what most guys in your situation do. Exactly what many of us posters did.

 

We had people giving us the exact same advice we're giving you, and we regret not following it. We are passing this experience on to you in the hope that some will stick. Maybe some day you will be here, giving the same advice to guys in the same situation you were in, watching as they drive their train right into a wreck...

 

The poly is a good idea. You don't need to investigate how to get one done at first. Just tell her that because she's lied so much over the last few months, you need to know what the truth is so you're going to order a poly for her. Just the threat of it might provoke a confession on the spot. It might not of course, in which case you can look into it and schedule one, but remember as mentioned parking lot confessions are very common. Just saying you've got a poly scheduled and driving her to an office-like building may be enough. Bit of a gamble, though.

 

Another tactic would be to simply tell her that you have proof of everything she's done and if she doesn't confess everything then you are going to file for divorce tomorrow. She will probably demand what proof but don't tell her, just say that's irrelevant. She may confess a little more (trickle truth). You have to stay strong and tell her that you KNOW there is more and she needs to confess EVERYTHING. And if she doesn't, then you need to follow through and file tomorrow. Remember that a divorce can be cancelled at any time before it is final, so if she does confesses the day after or next week then you can just cancel it.

[Starswillshine]

Hi Folks, I would think the fight is over as far as the OP is concerned. He wants status quo to be retained and he will swallow a lot of things to ensure that happens. He is going to reconcile no matter what. I think he has all the facts he needs and then some. If he wanted to be proactive he would have done something by now. However that is not his intention and so I guess it doesn't matter what additional advice is rendered to him. It will be mostly water on duck's back. He will only respond positively to posts that gel with him and satisfy his inner desire to have things back to the old normal that he knew and liked.

 

I say this with a bit of reluctance but the fact is that I have not seen any thing to indicate that the OP is unduly upset or worked up about the obvious and blatant act of infidelity by his wife and the complete disrespect that she has shown him. Infidelity is not a deal breaker for him. It is something that he can take in his stride. People have given him excellent advice but he has tended to either ignore it or shrug it off as something that does not really apply to him. In such a case one can only wish him the very best as he deals with his wife's infidelity in whatever way he can.

 

I find this post to be quite judgemental. This isnt a case where this man walked into a situation completely aware of the situation (aka, he isnt an OM). This is his wife who he promised to love and cherish. Who he committed to. Finding out about an affair is devastating and soul crushing. Sometimes, it takes a long time for the heart to catch up with the brain. He is going through enough and doesnt really need judgement.

 

Maybe I read this wrong. Maybe it is my own insecurity projecting here. I felt everyone looked at me like I was weak, and i didnt need to have their judgements when i did nothing wrong. My head finally did catch up. But it takes time.

[Normm]

Hi Folks, I would think the fight is over as far as the OP is concerned. He wants status quo to be retained and he will swallow a lot of things to ensure that happens. He is going to reconcile no matter what. I think he has all the facts he needs and then some. If he wanted to be proactive he would have done something by now.

 

 

The poor guy just found out within the past few days that the woman he loves has betrayed him. He's in shock. Some people take time to process what might be the biggest trauma they'll experience in their lifetime and might need a minute to figure out what their next steps are going to be, each one having ramfications that will affect him one way or another for the rest of his natural life.

 

 

Please accept my apologies that Chris isn't moving fast enough to satisfy you and I hope that ultimately he, and other posters going through their own personal crisis ultimately make decisions that meet your seal of approval.

[WilyWill]

She's lying through her teeth. She's had sex with him multiple times but was unable to last time because he couldn't maintain an erection or was too tired, etc. Because he's her boss, it's likely that she's done sexual things for him that she never did with you--possibly things that she told you she was never interested in.

 

Sit her down and explain to her that her dishonesty is a continued sign of disrespect. Lead her to believe that if she's honest with you, finally showing your some respect, there is a chance to save the marriage. Tell her this is her last chance to come clean about when they started having sex, and how many times they've had sex. Record the entire conversation on your phone so that she cannot deny it at some future date.

 

Once you have all this information, inform the other man's wife with no warning to your own wife. He will likely dump your wife immediately. Also tell the other wife that you're preparing a claim of sexual harassment against him and the firm. Do this just to make him shlt his pants a little more.

 

Hide a voice-activated recorder in her car so that you can capture the content of conversations she's having with him or with trusted confidantes.

 

Inform her family as well. Do a paternity DNA test on your child, with your wife witnessing the process, to determine if he is really yours. Even if you're 100% sure he's yours, you do this process in front of her just to get her to rock bottom. It's only from rock bottom that things can be salvaged.

 

You've been horribly mistreated. Play this coldly and ruthlessly to get exactly what you want out of it, while never becoming violent or irrational. After all the shattered pieces are lying on the ground, you can make a decision about what can be glued back together, if anything. Take as long as you need in making this decision.

[ChrisH81]

Look, I think all sort of advice, even the harsh one.

Perhaps I am not composed and determined as I need to be. It is what it is, that's not the **** they train you for in military or workplace.

 

If I'm to summarize the progress (or lack of it).

 

We are talking. She is explaining how she ended up infatuated with this guy and allowing herself to have long personal talks with him, lunches and meetings outside of the business context, some physical contact (more than she confessed to initially), although discussing matters of sex online clearly happens. Still insists no sex... you don't have to remind me to be sceptical, I am.

 

She resigned. She told me this came as no surprise to them, no exit interviews, no notice period, etc. I guess we all know what it means. In other words she resigned on her own (I didn't have to ask I give her that) but its likely because the secret I'd out, not because this is in the "cheated wife wanting to get her husband back" run sheet.

 

And - what pisses me off on top of everything - ****ing bastard managed to play it like she was chasing him. I don't get how anyone but a schoolgirl can fall for that. I tried to meet him in person to let my anger out but it looks like he's hard to get hold off. Should I hire him as my divorce lawyer perhaps?

 

Speaking of lawyers. I had a phone conf with the lawyer and this was... uneventful. Very routine. Interestingly enough when I mentioned the lawyer (not deliberately to let her know, more like a matter of fact), this sent her back to the sobbing mess state. Which for the 1st tone didn't make me feel so sorry for her. I don't like her tears but at the sane time, do I have any other choice really?

 

End of brain dump.

[Marc878]

It's a small firm so everyone probably knew what was going on. Talking to him gets you nothing. Waste of your time. You should inform his wife.

 

No sex? From what you posted. Not a chance.

[ChrisH81]

It's a small firm so everyone probably knew what was going on. Talking to him gets you nothing. Waste of your time. You should inform his wife.

 

No sex? From what you posted. Not a chance.

 

I didn't want any talk TBH.

 

If I'd be trusting her the way I used to, I'd probably buy that story. But I don't. Chicken and egg problem.

 

After all she's admitting sitting on his laps. Which is disgusting enough. What else falls from this tree as I keep shaking it?

Going Bill Clinton!

[aliveagain]

Tell his wife, see what she thinks about their affair. Regardless of what his partners think, you can always file a complaint with the Law Society. Ask your lawyer about an action against his firm, he abused his position and his trust, he put his firm in jeopardy. I deal with lawyers in Delaware all the time, they take that sh*t seriously.

[bathtub-row]

Despite everything, it seems that your wife wants to save the marriage. I guess I’d try to get to the bottom of why she chose to act on her attraction to that guy. I say that because usually when a person takes the steps she did, they’re done with their marriage. I’m curious if that’s what she was thinking, or if she was just toying with a flirtation.

 

For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think your wife wants your marriage to end. If she did, her reaction at you finding out probably would’ve been different - as in her being glad you found out so that she could walk away.

 

If I were you, I’d forget about all the sleuthing and deal with this with her. If you’re really at a point where you can’t forgive her, then separate if that’s possible. While I wouldn’t be too quick to forgive, I wouldn’t be too quick to throw it all away either.

[ChrisH81]

Tell his wife, see what she thinks about their affair. Regardless of what his partners think, you can always file a complaint with the Law Society. Ask your lawyer about an action against his firm, he abused his position and his trust, he put his firm in jeopardy. I deal with lawyers in Delaware all the time, they take that sh*t seriously.

 

I trust what you are saying is doable, but it feels like I'll be going there crying "mommy Johnny broke my Lego castle".

I'd rather be dealing with this myself, at least for now.

[Marc878]

Despite everything, it seems that your wife wants to save the marriage. I guess I’d try to get to the bottom of why she chose to act on her attraction to that guy. I say that because usually when a person takes the steps she did, they’re done with their marriage. I’m curious if that’s what she was thinking, or if she was just toying with a flirtation.

 

Nope, she's trying to trickle truth and rugsweep. She wants the marriage right now on her terms.

 

For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think your wife wants your marriage to end. If she did, her reaction at you finding out probably would’ve been different - as in her being glad you found out so that she could walk away.

 

Most cake eaters don't. She had her fling and now wants him to just get over it. That's great if you aren't on the receiving end.

 

If I were you, I’d forget about all the sleuthing and deal with this with her. If you’re really at a point where you can’t forgive her, then separate if that’s possible. While I wouldn’t be too quick to forgive, I wouldn’t be too quick to throw it all away either.

 

Living with lies long term never works out well. An affair may destroy a marriage but the lies after will destroy it.

 

She owes him the truth.

[Marc878]

I trust what you are saying is doable, but it feels like I'll be going there crying "mommy Johnny broke my Lego castle".

I'd rather be dealing with this myself, at least for now.

 

Affairs should have consequences. If you were his wife wouldn't you want to know?

[ChrisH81]

Despite everything, it seems that your wife wants to save the marriage. I guess I’d try to get to the bottom of why she chose to act on her attraction to that guy. I say that because usually when a person takes the steps she did, they’re done with their marriage. I’m curious if that’s what she was thinking, or if she was just toying with a flirtation. .

 

and that's exactly where my thoughts are. If you (I mean her) is not done and dusted why? Was there a point she was like "OK, this is way too far, roll back, Chris would never forgive that ". If she did everything she confessed to, why trying so hard to stay married (to me )?

 

 

For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think your wife wants your marriage to end. If she did, her reaction at you finding out probably would’ve been different - as in her being glad you found out so that she could walk away.

 

If I were you, I’d forget about all the sleuthing and deal with this with her. If you’re really at a point where you can’t forgive her, then separate if that’s possible. While I wouldn’t be too quick to forgive, I wouldn’t be too quick to throw it all away either.

 

Again very true and she keeps telling me she wants to keep the marriage, that "we will get over this". That's nice but where is the confidence there is still "us" coming from?

 

In other words since she's been saying these magic words, am I ought to forgive? Like if she looses her car keys and I nee to drop an important meeting to help, I'm expected to forgive, right? She tells she would do "whatever", what is that "whatever" should I ask? Paint her hairs green?

 

Sorry for the outburst, it is just what you've said was... relevant.

[ChrisH81]

Affairs should have consequences. If you were his wife wouldn't you want to know?

 

True, but I'm not. Also talking about going to the Bar not his wife?

[Marc878]

Cheater script:

 

I cheated now you should just get over it but I'm not gonna tell you the truth.

 

Because that secret is just between me and my other man. What you don't know won't hurt you as bad.

 

Typical.

 

Try living with that long term.

 

R = full truth of what went on and remourse if you don't have that you can just stay together.

 

How's that work out for you?

[ChrisH81]

Cheater script:

 

I cheated now you should just get over it but I'm not gonna tell you the truth.

 

Because that secret is just between me and my other man. What you don't know won't hurt you as bad.

 

Typical.

 

Try living with that long term.

 

R = full truth of what went on and remourse if you don't have that you can just stay together.

 

How's that work out for you?

 

Like a plan.

[bathtub-row]

There’s nothing that says you have to forgive or stay. She’s probably saying those things to comfort herself and to let you know she wants things to work out.

 

But a lot more talking needs to happen, and a lot of introspection on your part. In other words, there comes a point when talking only means so much then quiet sets in. If she’s willing to do anything you want, then her biggest test is to give you time to sort through your feelings about this and understand that there’s no guarantee for a happy ending when all is said and done.

[Marc878]

There’s nothing that says you have to forgive or stay. She’s probably saying those things to comfort herself and to let you know she wants things to work out.

 

But a lot more talking needs to happen, and a lot of introspection on your part. In other words, there comes a point when talking only means so much then quiet sets in. If she’s willing to do anything you want, then her biggest test is to give you time to sort through your feelings about this and understand that there’s no guarantee for a happy ending when all is said and done.

 

Forgive without knowing what you are forgiving? Trust can only be restabished with the full truth.

 

Right now it's self preservation on her part. Minimizing, trickle truthing, etc.

 

She's still in the wayward mindset. If you want to try R it's your call and the stipulations you need before you grant that gift.

 

She is not on the receiving end and does not have a clue as to what you're going through.

 

This might help:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[Normm]

How can she tell you there was no sex and explain away those damning texts about his performance issues in bed?

[ChrisH81]

How can she tell you there was no sex and explain away those damning texts about his performance issues in bed?

 

The way she explains it they have been talking about sex mostly online. He told her about his "issues" and is afraid he'd undeperforn in bed with her as she's "young and hot".

 

Her response was a set of flirty reassuring emojis.

 

In her words he was talking future not past.

[Marc878]

We don't know your wife. You do. It really boils down to what works for you.

 

She was ready and willing if she's telling the truth. The sexual act may or may not be relevant to you.

 

It's your call and what you want.

 

If it were me I'd polygraph.