Wife cheated with her boss

[Normm]

Unfortunately, as you now know, you're limited in what you're ever going to find out because you confronted her about the texts rather than doing more sleuthing and potentially uncovering more information through the use of voice activated recorder, continuing to monitor her communications with om, that sort of thing. That ship has clearly sailed. She had a couple of days to come up with a somewhat believable explanation that supports them not having sex and you're in a position where you'd really like to believe that's in fact the case. Well, I guess on the bright side, reconciliation may be easier for you if there's a possibility she's telling the truth.

 

About the only option you've got at this point is telling her you want her to take a polygraph test and hope for a "parking lot confession" which will tell you more than a test that is known to be flawed. If she maintains her innocence all the way up to the time she takes the test (and she believes a polygraph actually works) then you can put more credibility in what she says. The actual test results won't really be that reliable but again that's not why you do it.

[Marc878]

 

And - what pisses me off on top of everything - ****ing bastard managed to play it like she was chasing him. I don't get how anyone but a schoolgirl can fall for that. I tried to meet him in person to let my anger out but it looks like he's hard to get hold off. Should I hire him as my divorce lawyer.

 

Cheaters lie a lot and her other man maybe trying to protect himself.

 

The problem is there's a 50/50 chance it could be true. At this time you just don't know.

 

If he had ED issues why would he be chasing her?

[DKT3]

Most often than not the married woman is the aggressor in affairs. She initiates most of the action once she has crossed the boundaries. They will always minimize this. Somehow in the twisted minds of a WS they really believe it makes a difference. At the end of the day she let it happen (and it did happen, everything).

 

Your wife will attempt to control information, and will only admit to what cant be explained or manipulated. Ask her for a polygraph, her actually taking one isnt important plus they are unreliable. However, her need to control information will likely force her to admit more to prevent her losing total control.

[Simple Logic]

Look, I think all sort of advice, even the harsh one.

Perhaps I am not composed and determined as I need to be. It is what it is, that's not the **** they train you for in military or workplace.

 

If I'm to summarize the progress (or lack of it).

 

We are talking. She is explaining how she ended up infatuated with this guy and allowing herself to have long personal talks with him, lunches and meetings outside of the business context, some physical contact (more than she confessed to initially), although discussing matters of sex online clearly happens. Still insists no sex... you don't have to remind me to be sceptical, I am.

 

She resigned. She told me this came as no surprise to them, no exit interviews, no notice period, etc. I guess we all know what it means. In other words she resigned on her own (I didn't have to ask I give her that) but its likely because the secret I'd out, not because this is in the "cheated wife wanting to get her husband back" run sheet.

 

And - what pisses me off on top of everything - ****ing bastard managed to play it like she was chasing him. I don't get how anyone but a schoolgirl can fall for that. I tried to meet him in person to let my anger out but it looks like he's hard to get hold off. Should I hire him as my divorce lawyer perhaps?

 

Speaking of lawyers. I had a phone conf with the lawyer and this was... uneventful. Very routine. Interestingly enough when I mentioned the lawyer (not deliberately to let her know, more like a matter of fact), this sent her back to the sobbing mess state. Which for the 1st tone didn't make me feel so sorry for her. I don't like her tears but at the sane time, do I have any other choice really?

 

End of brain dump.

 

Good luck to you how ever it works out, but my gut feeling is the marriage is salvageable based on what you have reported.

 

The only question I have is she a mess over losing you or fearful of having to wear a scarlet letter as a cheating divorcee.

[BMI03]

Look, I think all sort of advice, even the harsh one.

Perhaps I am not composed and determined as I need to be. It is what it is, that's not the **** they train you for in military or workplace.

 

If I'm to summarize the progress (or lack of it).

 

We are talking. She is explaining how she ended up infatuated with this guy and allowing herself to have long personal talks with him, lunches and meetings outside of the business context, some physical contact (more than she confessed to initially), although discussing matters of sex online clearly happens. Still insists no sex... you don't have to remind me to be sceptical, I am.

 

She resigned. She told me this came as no surprise to them, no exit interviews, no notice period, etc. I guess we all know what it means. In other words she resigned on her own (I didn't have to ask I give her that) but its likely because the secret I'd out, not because this is in the "cheated wife wanting to get her husband back" run sheet.

 

And - what pisses me off on top of everything - ****ing bastard managed to play it like she was chasing him. I don't get how anyone but a schoolgirl can fall for that. I tried to meet him in person to let my anger out but it looks like he's hard to get hold off. Should I hire him as my divorce lawyer perhaps?

 

Speaking of lawyers. I had a phone conf with the lawyer and this was... uneventful. Very routine. Interestingly enough when I mentioned the lawyer (not deliberately to let her know, more like a matter of fact), this sent her back to the sobbing mess state. Which for the 1st tone didn't make me feel so sorry for her. I don't like her tears but at the sane time, do I have any other choice really?

 

End of brain dump.

 

I know that you are keeping your guard up. Good job. She mentioned sitting on his lap, and limited physical contact. She is trying to see how much she has to share to convince you, while still avoiding consiquence. The starting point was NO contact. Her hope was that you would believe her, and most constituence removes. When she saw you were not believing that, she advanced to LIMITED contact, but kept it innocent enough to lap sitting...no sex. Now she hopes by admitting to a bit more scandalous behavior now you will believe her, with only minimally more consiquence to face than her start in point. If you believe her, she found your gullibility point. If you don’t, she will wait a few days and then tell you something a bit more. Maybe she kissed him once. She’ll be sorry she didn’t tell you already but she was scared. Again, testing your point of believability while limiting the impact of her act. Only if you hold firm and show her you are already at the point where the consiquences could be drastic, will she see the only other to reconciliation is the truth.

 

Remember, she has had time to think about all you could know and how to explain it all away.

 

As for telling the boss’s wife, it’s not about telling on him. It’s about having an ally on your side in this and helping understand the truth. The truth is the only way to know if you can forgive.

[ChrisH81]

Most often than not the married woman is the aggressor in affairs. She initiates most of the action once she has crossed the boundaries. They will always minimize this. Somehow in the twisted minds of a WS they really believe it makes a difference. At the end of the day she let it happen (and it did happen, everything).

 

Your wife will attempt to control information, and will only admit to what cant be explained or manipulated. Ask her for a polygraph, her actually taking one isnt important plus they are unreliable. However, her need to control information will likely force her to admit more to prevent her losing total control.

 

This sounds very logical to me.

 

The only question I have is she a mess over losing you or fearful of having to wear a scarlet letter as a cheating divorcee.

 

I can only respond to this with the following:

 

If there is a person here who leads me to having a definitive answer to this question I'll be sending him/her a bottle of alcohol of choice or best flowers I can get - each year.

[ChrisH81]

I know that you are keeping your guard up. Good job. She mentioned sitting on his lap, and limited physical contact. She is trying to see how much she has to share to convince you, while still avoiding consiquence. The starting point was NO contact. Her hope was that you would believe her, and most constituence removes. When she saw you were not believing that, she advanced to LIMITED contact, but kept it innocent enough to lap sitting...no sex. Now she hopes by admitting to a bit more scandalous behavior now you will believe her, with only minimally more consiquence to face than her start in point. If you believe her, she found your gullibility point. If you don’t, she will wait a few days and then tell you something a bit more. Maybe she kissed him once. She’ll be sorry she didn’t tell you already but she was scared. Again, testing your point of believability while limiting the impact of her act. Only if you hold firm and show her you are already at the point where the consiquences could be drastic, will she see the only other to reconciliation is the truth.

 

Remember, she has had time to think about all you could know and how to explain it all away.

 

As for telling the boss’s wife, it’s not about telling on him. It’s about having an ally on your side in this and helping understand the truth. The truth is the only way to know if you can forgive.

 

Is what you ate saying essentially is, let's say the affair involved a, b, c, d, e, f.

I know about a, I don't believe it's ended there. So she'll be trickle feeding me the info until I believe that's it hoping to stop somewhere at d?

[PegNosePete]

Is what you ate saying essentially is, let's say the affair involved a, b, c, d, e, f.

I know about a, I don't believe it's ended there. So she'll be trickle feeding me the info until I believe that's it hoping to stop somewhere at d?

Absolutely! They always do that!

 

Maybe in a month after you've forgiven her for a, she will say oh yeah... maybe a bit of b happened. And a month later when you've come to terms with b, she will confess to a little c. The boiled frog problem. If you put a frog into boiling water he will jump right out! But if you put him in cold water and heat it slowly, he will stay in there, and boil to death.

 

If you want to reconcile the marriage then here is what you need to do. Sit her down and talk to her. Write down the points you want to make like a meeting agenda, so you don't have to rely on memory in what will be a very difficult conversation. Tell her not to start crying like a baby, but be an adult and have a proper adult conversation. If she does start crying don't have any sympathy, just roll your eyes and carry on. You are going to outline your terms and conditions for staying in the marriage. She will sit there quietly and listen while you speak, and she can respond to each point after you've finished talking. Use a "talking stick" if you feel it will help. At the end of the conversation if she doesn't agree to the terms and conditions there and then, it means DIVORCE.

 

1) She will tell you the whole truth about what happened. She will answer any question you ask promptly and honestly. Tell her that this is her one and only chance to admit anything. If you later find out that she lied or omitted anything, DIVORCE. No second chances here. ONE lie or omission is a DEAL BREAKER. Ask her what happened. Ask her if she has any secret email addresses, second phones, social medias, any other communication methods that she used. She will agree to a polygraph to confirm what she is saying.

 

2) She will have no contact with this guy ever again. If he contacts her in any way, she will not respond in any way but will inform you immediately. If you later find out that she breaks this rule, DIVORCE. No second chances here, either.

 

3) She will hand over all passwords, right now. She has surrendered her right to privacy until you trust her again. You will go through it there and then. She will not "just go to the toilet" for a deletion session (although most likely it's already been cleaned up).

 

4) You will go to marriage counselling.

 

Tell her these are your conditions for staying in the marriage. If she pouts or objects or complains then tell her fine, DIVORCE is the only alternative. You must be prepared to end the marriage if she doesn't show 100% commitment to fixing it.

Edited November 2, 2018 by PegNosePete

[ChrisH81]

I really like the above. Perhaps I needed that 1-2-3 flowchart to get through the fog I'm in.

 

The only small problem (my problem, not a criticism of what you've posted) is that even if these conditions are met, with enthusiasm and appreciation by her (she keeps telling me she'd do everything), I still do not feel it'll be enough.

 

In other words these condition are mandatory but not sufficient.

[WilyWill]

In her words he was talking future not past.

 

Her boss said something to the effect of "I had a screw loose in bed last time. I'm worried I underperformed."

 

Your wife is still lying to you. Without honesty there's no reason to continue communicating with her. If she still stands by that story, polygraph.

[PegNosePete]

In other words these condition are mandatory but not sufficient.

Well, if she won't agree to them then you have your answer. Or if she does agree but doesn't confess everything, you also have your answer.

 

If she does agree then it may also depend on how (1) goes, when you finally get the truth (or not). If she doesn't confess to the sex then you can tell her that she has failed (1) already by not being honest so you're going to file tomorrow, and then end the conversation.

 

Remember whatever she tells you, there is more. There always is! ALWAYS!

[ABernie]

Do you still love her? Do you want to grow old with her?

[BMI03]

Is what you ate saying essentially is, let's say the affair involved a, b, c, d, e, f.

I know about a, I don't believe it's ended there. So she'll be trickle feeding me the info until I believe that's it hoping to stop somewhere at d?

 

Exactly! You got it!

 

A couple things to keep in mind around this.

 

1) In your a,b,c,d,e,f example, each admission will get harder, with more effort to extract. She will likely never admit to 'f' and want to take it to the grave. That will only come if there is hard evidence, requiring her to chose between her impulse to deny, and the laugh ability of her still denying in the face of overwhelming proof.

 

That's why people here were suggesting to wait before confronting...so you could build that evidence because it betters your chances to get the truth on what really happened. And getting to the truth is important, because you can't forgive something when you don't know what you are forgiving, and are not confident that the truth about what you are forgiving has been shared.

 

Some people here will say that "it happened, who cares what level of betrayal it was, lying or sleeping with him". At this stage, that's correct....its all a betrayal. However, if you want to even keep reconciliation on the table, you need to get to the truth so you can heal.

 

Imagine a close friend coming up to and saying "Dude, I really did you wrong and messed you up bad. I'm really really sorry and hope you can forgive me.". You say "What did you do?" and he says "Ah..nothing, never mind. You forgive me though?". You can't. Your mind will never be able to move past it.

 

With your wife, the message you need to find a way to get through to her on is this: She understanding that because she put herself where she did, you understand that she is scared. Tell her you understand she is scared, and that her instincts are telling her that the best way out of this and back to 'normal' is to keep this issue as small as she can, and to limit the impact by downplaying. Tell her you understand why that is what her impulses are telling her to do.

 

Then, tell her she needs to think about it from your side. Tell her that your trust in her is shattered, and that the believability of what comes out of her mouth is next to nothing. Suggest to her that she needs to recognize that while your marriage may be able to survive a cheating situation, it will not survive mistrust in the long term, and while her instincts may soften the blow of the here and now, they are not the path to a long term solution and will kill your relationship in the end. Tell her the only path you see to a chance of this relationship staying afloat is if she comes clear, completely and fully, right now, will all the messy details. Stress the importance of her building your trust with this admission, not avoiding a fight. She can't leave a stone unturned because any info that comes after that point, will mean starting your trust for her off at zero again.

 

I believe that's the best hope to a potential future, together or alone, but in both cases, with a clear mind.

[bigman1]

All of this special conditions or is she sobbing and hyperventilating is not THE thing. Some guys need the conditions because they feel insecure the wife is gonna stray again with someone else, so they do this. Sort of the dragon with treasure thing. All of the sobbing stuff makes guys feel affirmed..."she wants me so bad she's sobbing and can't breathe....she really loves ME".

 

IF you are one of those type guys, then you will need this. INo judgment here. If that is what you need, then I hope it comes.

 

otoh, I find that insufficient and artificial. If she is hooking up with a bunch of folks, then go ahead and put her on that "leash", but to me that is just hostage keeping. She is yours and nobody is gonna get her. Crying and sobbing is also artificial. Here is why. If she had ONE guy that she wanted to bang. One dude that she just had to have BESIDES YOU, and then she got him, then she has scratched that itch. She ain't leaving. She ain't looking for another. She does not want to lose the rest of her things she also wants, so she will sob, etc.

 

Think of it this way, suppose you just wanted to punch OM in the face and did it several times and then got caught. You aren't gonna punch anyone else, so guarding your contacts does not matter. You are gonna freak out if losing your home, job, or relationships becomes a possible consequence. You'd beg and cry. Still, you punched OM.

 

Find out what you need. Let go of the outcome. Stop thinking that working it out has to be attempted. Take that pressure off of yourself. I heard several guys say that once they realized and told their WW that they did not need them in their lives but ultimately decided that they wanted them in their lives, those dudes were happy. The wife had to do a lot of work, but they learned that the BH was completely fine walking away, moving on, and could be happy alone or with someone.

[Rubix Cubed]

I really like the above. Perhaps I needed that 1-2-3 flowchart to get through the fog I'm in.

 

The only small problem (my problem, not a criticism of what you've posted) is that even if these conditions are met, with enthusiasm and appreciation by her (she keeps telling me she'd do everything), I still do not feel it'll be enough.

 

In other words these condition are mandatory but not sufficient.

 

That's because this cheating is a dealbreaker for you. You just won't recognize it as that. If you keep yourself in limbo this will eat away at you more and more for as long as you do nothing about it.

 

re: Exposing to OBS: You need to do this for no other reason than it is the morally correct thing to do. If you don't you are complicit in the affair by hiding it for your Wayward Wife and her Affair Partner. The OBS is just like you she deserves to know if her health is being jeopardized by STDs and she deserves to know she's married to pos. None of this has anything to do with revenge, it's got to do with being a decent person. Your WW and her AP caused all of this. ALL of the consequences that follow are there cross to bear, not yours.

[DKT3]

I really like the above. Perhaps I needed that 1-2-3 flowchart to get through the fog I'm in.

 

The only small problem (my problem, not a criticism of what you've posted) is that even if these conditions are met, with enthusiasm and appreciation by her (she keeps telling me she'd do everything), I still do not feel it'll be enough.

 

In other words these condition are mandatory but not sufficient.

 

Chris, the simple truth is infidelity is just too much for most men to overcome. You have nothing to be ashamed of if that is your truth.

 

As far as getting truth about the affair, you can be deceptive to start the flow of truth. Two ways I have seen and read were affective.

 

1 wake her in the middle of the night (funny how WS can sleep so well) and simply tell her you know alot more now, and if she wants to come clean. In her fear and confusion she may let something out.

 

2 actually ways really well, walk in the house and tell her you have arranged a polygraph (again, having actually done so is unimportant, not reliable) and it's in 30 minutes. If she doesn't crack on the spot drive her to the parking lot of the local police station and park. Tell her you will give a her a few minutes to gather her thoughts and decide how you will learn the information, her giving it willingly of failing the lie detector.

 

She will most like ask you to give her information in either scenario, give her nothing.

 

If she gets aggressive and angry at either suggestion or refuse then you know she is hiding.

 

Many WS will attempt to bully or intimidate you with leaving and such. Dont back down. WW in particular will often look to create space when the walls close in, like I'm going to my moms for a few days, or I need space. Again dont back down.

 

Dont be bullied or manipulated from your hunt from truth. It's all she has except of course honesty.

[Normm]

1 wake her in the middle of the night (funny how WS can sleep so well) and simply tell her you know alot more now, and if she wants to come clean. In her fear and confusion she may let something out.

 

drive her to the parking lot of the local police station and park. Tell her you will give a her a few minutes to gather her thoughts and decide how you will learn the information, her giving it willingly of failing the lie detector.

 

Some of these ideas are somewhat draconian and rather out there in scope.

 

Why not just dress up in a white lab coat and have some colorful liquid boiling on the stove in laboratory beakers and have some test tubes and syringes laid out on the counter for when she gets home. Maybe set off a smoke bomb in the kitchen right before she gets home to amplify the effefct. Then pull out a 10" syringe filled with pink liquid, squirt out a few CCs for effect, and say "OK dear, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, now roll up your sleeve..."

[DKT3]

Some of these ideas are somewhat draconian and rather out there in scope.

 

Why not just dress up in a white lab coat and have some colorful liquid boiling on the stove in laboratory beakers and have some test tubes and syringes laid out on the counter for when she gets home. Maybe set off a smoke bomb in the kitchen right before she gets home to amplify the effefct. Then pull out a 10" syringe filled with pink liquid, squirt out a few CCs for effect, and say "OK dear, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, now roll up your sleeve..."

 

Say what you will....parking lot confession are affective enough to have a term. Not far out at all.

[Normm]

Say what you will....parking lot confession are affective enough to have a term. Not far out at all.

 

 

Sure let him arrange a real polygraph test and go through the entire thing start to finish hoping for a resolution before they even get in the door.

 

 

But you're suggesting he bluff her and go park at a police station to try and intimidate her.

[DKT3]

Sure let him arrange a real polygraph test and go through the entire thing start to finish hoping for a resolution before they even get in the door.

 

 

But you're suggesting he bluff her and go park at a police station to try and intimidate her.

 

Polygraphs are unreliable. Knew a guy who's wife passed a polygraph then six months later gave birth to her lovers baby. The bluff is all he has got. Or he can spend years in limbo hoping and wishing to one day have proof.

[DKT3]

Besides that, all she has is a bluff. Deep down he already knows the truth. In my situation it was all I needed to file for divorce. Once my wife knew her days of bluffing was over, out came the whole story.

[CollinW]

Haha she said the "almost got caught" was in reference to kisses on the cheek??! Hilarious. You might as well move him in, you're clearly not going to hold her accountable if you're still entertaining this mess.

[ChrisH81]

Well I'm glad I have entertained you.

Not that it matters anymore as I am absolutely divorcing her.

I guess I need to take this opportunity to thank you all, your scripts and narratives worked too well, wish they didn't

[Marc878]

Sorry man.

 

 

It's not entertainment.

 

Most who come here like you have no idea what they're up against. It's not something you ever thought would happen.

 

Glad you found your way. It'll suck upfront but you will get through this.

[Marc878]

Read up

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce