Wife cheated with her boss

[ChrisH81]

Besides that, all she has is a bluff. Deep down he already knows the truth. In my situation it was all I needed to file for divorce. Once my wife knew her days of bluffing was over, out came the whole story.

 

Yes, just line that.

[Adotta]

I'm sorry you're at this point. If what was revealed was a deal breaker then there is no need to feel guilty. It's not one bit your fault for not "getting over It".

 

 

Also whatever was revealed you should not let it affect your own view of yourself. Emasculation is no joke. If it's bad enough go seek counseling. Whatever you now know, know it was not YOU, it was her. THIS IS ALL ON HER.

 

 

 

I want to let you know no-one here takes enjoyment out of your suffering. I'm sure everyone here wished they were wrong , but too many times they have seen that the darker perspective is almost ALWAYS true.

 

 

Some people here , me included, tend to use 2 x 4 s to try and shock people out of indecision and fear. Hopium is a powerful drug. Fear of losing what one has is powerful. But many times people cling to something that isn't even really there.

 

 

Whatever happens know that YOU acted with honor. YOU took control of your life. YOU are the catch. NOT HER. She didn't throw you away. Quite the opposite.

 

 

You have thousands of brothers and sisters here who are ready and waiting to help you. We are bonded in our suffering and in our willingness to help others. Just as we were once helped. No matter how dark it gets we are here for you. We are all damaged and imperfect and we needed eachother.

 

 

 

Take care of yourself. Avoid the sauce. Eat healthy. Keep yourself active. Don't let this destroy you. Be a Phoenix. Rise from the ashes a better and stronger man. Not jaded. Not destroyed. Sharper. Smarter. Whole. Happy.

 

 

 

You have broken out of a web of lies. A pit of ****. You didn't lose anything but a false reality and a yoke. It won't feel like it at first. Give it time.

 

 

 

I don't believe in God. So no prayers from me. But I'm thinking of you tonight. Hoping you find the path that leads to a life you desire. You deserve it. Don't let her decisions ruin that.

[Poutrew]

So Chris, just how far down the rabbit hole did she fall?

[bathtub-row]

And for the record, I'm calling it quits not because "this is the right thing to do" and not because "I'm thinking only about myself" but because I've wrestled a confession out of her and that was way beyond of what I can handle.

Feels like this is the only place where I can say this.

 

Oh, man. Things like that are very, very hard to get past. A marriage is never the same after that. All the magic is gone. I remember when my ex cheated on me and we tried to make it work after that. A few months had gone by and he was going off somewhere with a friend. I tend to joke around a lot and was about to say, "Have fun and stay out of trouble." But I realized I couldn't make a joke like that anymore. Just something so small but it hit me so hard. The trust gets so broken. That wasn't the thing that caused me to pull the plug on the marriage but I never forgot that moment when I realized I couldn't joke with him about the simplest things.

 

His cheating was the lowest place I'd ever been in my life but know that your life will get better and you won't always feel this way.

Edited November 15, 2018 by bathtub-row

[Marc878]

And for the record, I'm calling it quits not because "this is the right thing to do" and not because "I'm thinking only about myself" but because I've wrestled a confession out of her and that was way beyond of what I can handle.

Feels like this is the only place where I can say this.

 

For some it's a deal breaker. That's ok. She put you in a spot that you should have never been in.

 

I think you knew deep down but it's hard for a lot to believe so they don't.

 

The reality is knowing is a lot better than knowing you're living with a lie.

[ChrisH81]

 

Also whatever was revealed you should not let it affect your own view of yourself. Emasculation is no joke. If it's bad enough go seek counseling. Whatever you now know, know it was not YOU, it was her. THIS IS ALL ON HER.

 

 

 

I want to let you know no-one here takes enjoyment out of your suffering. I'm sure everyone here wished they were wrong , but too many times they have seen that the darker perspective is almost ALWAYS true.

 

 

 

I'm not suggesting someone takes enjoyment, I was just venting. I also understand I had a tendency of having my head up my arse. I needed to see and hear what I did to get it out.

 

And yes, it's all on her. I'd feel better if it was my fault like being a bad husband or (yes I Googled some weird stuff) if I was unemployed so she had to sleep with her boss.

But that was not the case.

 

So Chris, just how far down the rabbit hole did she fall?

She's slept with him if that's what you ate asking. Still going through the details.

[ChrisH81]

Oh, man. Things like that are very, very hard to get past. A marriage is never the same after that. All the magic is gone. I remember when my ex cheated on me and we tried to make it work after that. A few months had gone by and he was going off somewhere with a friend. I tend to joke around a lot and was about to say, "Have fun and stay out of trouble." But I realized I couldn't make a joke like that anymore. Just something so small but it hit me so hard. The trust gets so broken. That wasn't the thing that caused me to pull the plug on the marriage but I never forgot that moment when I realized I couldn't joke with him about the simplest things.

 

His cheating was the lowest place I'd ever been in my life but know that your life will get better and you won't always feel this way.

 

I see what you are saying, but you are far better and compassionate person than me.

My brain understands the importance of these small things, but in my reality, I just cannot stand being within a hands distance from her? Again I'm likely to react in a more primitive way than expected.

[usa1ah]

There are several threads on here that deal with this.

 

The best way to break the emotional strings is The 180. You can find it on the net. Read through the steps to follow and it will help.

[ChrisH81]

There are several threads on here that deal with this.

 

The best way to break the emotional strings is The 180. You can find it on the net. Read through the steps to follow and it will help.

 

I did read the 180 thread referenced by Marc (thanks man!) and was under impression this was mostly to help one to detach and to about so called "pick me" dance.… to get her crawling back.

 

The time may cone for this (learning not to dismiss what you guys are saying) but for now I'm detached as hell, and she's crawling back, so not sure how it is applicable.

 

Likely I'm reading it wrong.

[usa1ah]

The one 180 is a way for you to start healing.

 

It’s not to get her to come crawling back, she might end up doing that.

 

It’s so you can detach from her day by day. Little by little.

 

She is already detached from you to the point that she could do what she did.

 

Now it’s time for you to do the detaching.

[DKT3]

I did read the 180 thread referenced by Marc (thanks man!) and was under impression this was mostly to help one to detach and to about so called "pick me" dance.… to get her crawling back.

 

The time may cone for this (learning not to dismiss what you guys are saying) but for now I'm detached as hell, and she's crawling back, so not sure how it is applicable.

 

Likely I'm reading it wrong.

 

Chris, the hard truth is most men simply don't get over this and divorce. No shame if you stay on that path.

 

On the other hand, there is a chance that you feel differently in a week or month, also no shame there.

 

Hit the gym, try to eat and sleep, avoid alcohol and one way or another things will get better.

[Marc878]

Clarity will come with time.

 

Unfortunately there is no magic cure for this.

 

As you've already seen infidelity is a life long gift.

 

It'll dissipate with time but always be there to some extent.

[40somethingGuy]

I did read the 180 thread referenced by Marc (thanks man!) and was under impression this was mostly to help one to detach and to about so called "pick me" dance.… to get her crawling back.

 

The time may cone for this (learning not to dismiss what you guys are saying) but for now I'm detached as hell, and she's crawling back, so not sure how it is applicable.

 

Likely I'm reading it wrong.

 

How did the confession go? You said you had to 'wrestle' it out of her. She admitted to an ongoing sexual relationship? Did you tell the OM's wife? Does she know you are going to leave? Or did you hold that back until you got more details?

 

 

I am so sorry. It hurts like hell but you get to go through the rest of life without a lying, tainted partner. With the exception of a loss of a child, I think this is the most traumatic thing one can go through in life. Just remember that not all women are cheating liars. I hope your soon to be ex realizes she ruined the family and knows the kids will know why soon enough.

[bathtub-row]

I see what you are saying, but you are far better and compassionate person than me.

My brain understands the importance of these small things, but in my reality, I just cannot stand being within a hands distance from her? Again I'm likely to react in a more primitive way than expected.

 

Well, just to be clear, that was several mos after he cheated. I had filed for divorce immediately and somewhere down the road, we gave it another shot. I now know that was a big mistake. Not because I don’t think couples can heal from this kind of thing, but because of his already abusive nature. I thought he finally understood how destructive he was and actually ‘got it’. But I’ve learned that abusers aren’t capable of change. Still, after that experience and knowing what I know now, I would never forgive cheating. It’s a complete and total dealbreaker for me. I believe that when a person does that, the relationship is over in their mind and, if nothing else, they’re willing to risk losing their partner.

[SummerDreams]

Chris I just read your story and wanted to say, I am sorry for what you are going through. Sending you my best regards, be brave.

[ChrisH81]

The one 180 is a way for you to start healing.

 

It’s not to get her to come crawling back, she might end up doing that.

 

It’s so you can detach from her day by day. Little by little.

 

She is already detached from you to the point that she could do what she did.

 

Now it’s time for you to do the detaching.

 

I think I understand. The best way seems to dull down any emotional component and try to deal with this like a business issue.

 

How did the confession go? You said you had to 'wrestle' it out of her. She admitted to an ongoing sexual relationship? Did you tell the OM's wife? Does she know you are going to leave? Or did you hold that back until you got more details?

.

 

"Wrestle" was I figure of speech. I realised that I'm getting little too comfortable with the version handed to me. My BS alarm. was getting out of range.

So I did a combination of "I know more, this is last chance", mentioning of a polygraph and own digging. So yes, it was sexual. Not sure how ongoing I'm still going through the info, but what I see is seriously ****ed up stuff.

[ChrisH81]

Well, just to be clear, that was several mos after he cheated. I had filed for divorce immediately and somewhere down the road, we gave it another shot. I now know that was a big mistake. Not because I don’t think couples can heal from this kind of thing, but because of his already abusive nature. I thought he finally understood how destructive he was and actually ‘got it’. But I’ve learned that abusers aren’t capable of change. Still, after that experience and knowing what I know now, I would never forgive cheating. It’s a complete and total dealbreaker for me. I believe that when a person does that, the relationship is over in their mind and, if nothing else, they’re willing to risk losing their partner.

 

I think I understand, and appreciate you handled this.

You are also spot on about the risk: unless a person is drugged or high that person must gave assessed the risk and decided to go ahead.

[ChrisH81]

Chris I just read your story and wanted to say, I am sorry for what you are going through. Sending you my best regards, be brave.

 

Thank you.

[aliveagain]

Sorry to hear that she took it farther then you had hoped for. Many have reconciled from a lot worse. You need to decide if you can get over that much of a betrayal, for many here including myself, giving another man freely what I would give my life to protect is a deal breaker. Lying to you for so long on top of the betrayal shows you who she she is willing to protect at the cost of the others feelings. Cheaters are liars and sometimes the lying is more damaging to the relationship then the actual betrayal because she is choosing to protect the O/M over you and your pain. Get tested for STD's, make her go through the full testing including herpes, they don't always test for herpes unless you ask for it. Having her tested helps bring the reality of what she did and the risk she put you through home. Decide what you want, reconciliation is a gift and should never be expected. She decided she was entitled enough to have sex with her boss, you are now entitled to stay or divorce her. It is all up to you. Do not leave the decision about the survival of your marriage up to her because she makes really sh*tty decisions.

[S2B]

So now you find out way more than she originally admitted...

 

Isn't it interesting how that suggestion of a polygraph gets info out of liars?

 

So now you have some idea what she was doing...

 

Have you decided what your plan is moving forward?

 

What did your W say? What's her attitude about it now?

[Marc878]

At this time she'll be in self preservation mode. What she's going to go through, lose. At this time it'll still be all about her.

[ChrisH81]

So now you find out way more than she originally admitted...

 

Isn't it interesting how that suggestion of a polygraph gets info out of liars?

 

So now you have some idea what she was doing...

 

Have you decided what your plan is moving forward?

 

What did your W say? What's her attitude about it now?

 

I'm moving ahead with the divorce. I liked the way one of the posters here handled this - I'm honestly not sure what is the right way to reference (by name? Don't want to offend), I mean filing for divorce with a possibility of perhaps giving her a chance later on.

 

The truth is, from where I stand now, I physically cannot imagine words "OK, lets try to make it work" or something coming out from my mouth.

 

I just can't be in the same room with her, I see this creep instead of her. My dilemma now is can I ask her to move out as she lost her job? The lawyer told me not to leave myself and I cant kick her out but can offer to pay for her rent with sufficient time to move out. Happy to do that.

 

Of course she is crushed and sad and guilty and sorry and all. She wants it to work "at all cost".

 

What drives me nuts is despite the above she seem to think "we will make it", like a matter of time and effort.

Even if we divorce (I keep saying "when").

 

Does she know me better than I am?

Edited November 16, 2018 by ChrisH81

[bathtub-row]

Of course she is crushed and sad and guilty and sorry and all. She wants it to work "at all cost".

 

What drives me nuts is despite the above she seem to think "we will make it", like a matter of time and effort.

 

She's in desperation mode; suddenly realizing that she just painted herself into a corner, wrecked her life, wrecked yours, and hurt someone deeply (you) that she cares about more than she realized.

 

When my husband cheated, I went to a lawyer the next day and filed. Husband was completely shocked. It unsettled him more than any words I could've spoken. He didn't hide the fact that he cheated because he was doing it to get back at me (because in counseling I stated that I didn't see things working out between us). I learned that this 'getting back' at a person is a trait of abusers. So, there wasn't much lying involved. However, shortly after moving back in with him, I knew I had made a mistake. It didn't last long after that.

 

I doubt that your wife has the cruel, verbally abusive trait. If she does, dump her now and never look back. I mean that with all my heart. But I don't recall you mentioning that. However, she needs to know that, at this point in time, she has lost you, regardless of how things end up. I can tell you that getting past an affair easily takes about 2 yrs. And I really don't know if it's worth the struggle or if you ever fully trust again. One thing that is key is that the person shows true remorse for what they did, and that they do nothing going forward to cause you to distrust them. Some couples will tell you that they went through it and made the long haul in their marriage. I'm guessing that a lot of long-term marriages have been through this.

 

Anyway, one thing I learned is that when you file for divorce, it can actually be put on hold. That's what I did some time after filing. I didn't want to drop the filing in case our attempts at reconciliation didn't work out. Well, he was an angel during that time. When we moved back in together about 8 mos later, the nightmare started all over again and I ended it for good.

 

I think a lot depends on whether or not your marriage has been filled with turmoil throughout. If it has been basically a bad marriage, you would be better to just cut out the cancer and move on. If it was mostly good, if you guys have been very compatible, then you may have something to work with. But, for now, you need to just take care of yourself and don't feel that you need to make any decisions right now or that you're obligated to.

 

My heart goes out to you. I'll never forget the physical, gut reactions I had when I found out what my husband did. I was in constant emotional turmoil, had diarrhea every day, and even would have nightmares about it and wake up crying. That happened several times. It was pure hell and I hate that you're going through this.

[S2B]

If she has savings - or if you can afford it - have her move if you're that repulsed having her around.

 

It may help you clear your mind. Give you some space and allow her to know you mean business.

 

She couldn't possibly think it could work without any changes from her... having her move may have her see just how much she needs to change IF you are ever going to be "not repulsed" by her in the future.

 

 

Is she looking for new work?

[ChrisH81]

Unfortunately there is only one like.

 

 

She's in desperation mode; suddenly realizing that she just painted herself into a corner, wrecked her life, wrecked yours, and hurt someone deeply (you) that she cares about more than she realized.

 

When my husband cheated, I went to a lawyer the next day and filed. Husband was completely shocked. It unsettled him more than any words I could've spoken. He didn't hide the fact that he cheated because he was doing it to get back at me (because in counseling I stated that I didn't see things working out between us). I learned that this 'getting back' at a person is a trait of abusers. So, there wasn't much lying involved. However, shortly after moving back in with him, I knew I had made a mistake. It didn't last long after that.

 

I doubt that your wife has the cruel, verbally abusive trait. If she does, dump her now and never look back. I mean that with all my heart. But I don't recall you mentioning that. However, she needs to know that, at this point in time, she has lost you, regardless of how things end up. I can tell you that getting past an affair easily takes about 2 yrs. And I really don't know if it's worth the struggle or if you ever fully trust again. One thing that is key is that the person shows true remorse for what they did, and that they do nothing going forward to cause you to distrust them. Some couples will tell you that they went through it and made the long haul in their marriage. I'm guessing that a lot of long-term marriages have been through this.

 

Anyway, one thing I learned is that when you file for divorce, it can actually be put on hold. That's what I did some time after filing. I didn't want to drop the filing in case our attempts at reconciliation didn't work out. Well, he was an angel during that time. When we moved back in together about 8 mos later, the nightmare started all over again and I ended it for good.

 

I think a lot depends on whether or not your marriage has been filled with turmoil throughout. If it has been basically a bad marriage, you would be better to just cut out the cancer and move on. If it was mostly good, if you guys have been very compatible, then you may have something to work with. But, for now, you need to just take care of yourself and don't feel that you need to make any decisions right now or that you're obligated to.

 

My heart goes out to you. I'll never forget the physical, gut reactions I had when I found out what my husband did. I was in constant emotional turmoil, had diarrhea every day, and even would have nightmares about it and wake up crying. That happened several times. It was pure hell and I hate that you're going through this.