Wife cheated with her boss

[SummerDreams]

I think your wife is sensing what we are sensing and you know it as well; you are not ready to let her go. You are still talking about it, justifying it in your mind, trying to find ways how you could maybe in some time forgive her and let this go. You hear that reconciliation is hard and sometimes impossible, but you don't really in your heart believe it. I think you want to forgive her and it's totally acceptable and humane if this is what you really want. I suggest you let time show your feelings; sometimes time just let us see things that were hidden before in our hearts and minds.

[ChrisH81]

If she has savings - or if you can afford it - have her move if you're that repulsed having her around.

 

It may help you clear your mind. Give you some space and allow her to know you mean business.

 

She couldn't possibly think it could work without any changes from her... having her move may have her see just how much she needs to change IF you are ever going to be "not repulsed" by her in the future.

 

 

Is she looking for new work?

 

She does not have her own savings or any accounts, but that's not an issue. I'm happy to pay, as soon as I can get my head around how to handle the kid.

 

I'm not going to make it a financial game of thrones.

 

I have no clue what she was or is thinking, think I have better lack understanding neighbour's labrador.

 

She keeps saying "What do I do now… I need to get another job", realistically she's in no shape to even update her CV (besides it was always my job).

[ChrisH81]

I think your wife is sensing what we are sensing and you know it as well; you are not ready to let her go. You are still talking about it, justifying it in your mind, trying to find ways how you could maybe in some time forgive her and let this go. You hear that reconciliation is hard and sometimes impossible, but you don't really in your heart believe it. I think you want to forgive her and it's totally acceptable and humane if this is what you really want. I suggest you let time show your feelings; sometimes time just let us see things that were hidden before in our hearts and minds.

 

And you maybe correct. However right now I cannot even imagine what "forgiveness " may even remotely look like.

 

Once again you maybe right and its more obvious to an independent observer.

[ARAMCOMAN]

Tell her to go back to the POSOM and retract her resignation and ask the ****ing ******* for a raise also, can't tell me the POS ain't cramping in his suit waiting for a shoe to fall somewhere. What does it matter now expose the A hole and think about exposing to her & you're families before marital history is rewritten to paint you a the bad spouse.

Like you I was a faithful husband my WW stayed home and after 26 years M decided she needed a young buck to get her off whilst I worked all over the globe for various oil companies. I divorced her ASAP once her A was confirmed by PI. Although I still love my wife for the way she was I ****ing hate her now for the way she is. I left with my integrity & principles intact. All I can say now is **** her & **** him.

Life isn't too bad and as a matter of fact it's a pretty good life after WW. Everyone handles their situation differently & what works best for them and that's all that really matters

Sending strength my man your doing as well as possible.

[DKT3]

I'm moving ahead with the divorce. I liked the way one of the posters here handled this - I'm honestly not sure what is the right way to reference (by name? Don't want to offend), I mean filing for divorce with a possibility of perhaps giving her a chance later on.

 

The truth is, from where I stand now, I physically cannot imagine words "OK, lets try to make it work" or something coming out from my mouth.

 

I just can't be in the same room with her, I see this creep instead of her. My dilemma now is can I ask her to move out as she lost her job? The lawyer told me not to leave myself and I cant kick her out but can offer to pay for her rent with sufficient time to move out. Happy to do that.

 

Of course she is crushed and sad and guilty and sorry and all. She wants it to work "at all cost".

 

What drives me nuts is despite the above she seem to think "we will make it", like a matter of time and effort.

Even if we divorce (I keep saying "when").

 

Does she know me better than I am?

 

My wife had that same attitude, she had it when she was served, she have it when we signed the final decree. In fact her words on that day was "our story doesn't end here, not like this"

 

I was simply amazed that she thought the whole time we would be ok. Even while having her affair she says she felt it wouldn't end us. I've talked about it here, and how much that entitled attitude drove me crazy.

[bathtub-row]

My wife had that same attitude, she had it when she was served, she have it when we signed the final decree. In fact her words on that day was "our story doesn't end here, not like this"

 

I was simply amazed that she thought the whole time we would be ok. Even while having her affair she says she felt it wouldn't end us. I've talked about it here, and how much that entitled attitude drove me crazy.

 

Wow. She really just over-simplified her actions by saying those things. She probably thought it sounded romantic but how could she possibly think you wanted to hear that? Appallingly obtuse.

[bathtub-row]

She keeps saying "What do I do now… I need to get another job", realistically she's in no shape to even update her CV (besides it was always my job).

 

Ok. This really disturbs me. Who exactly is the victim here? She doesn’t have the right to fall apart and wallow in a pool of tears. She needs to suck it up, deal with the consequences of her actions, and turn her job search into a full-time job. She certainly wasn’t sobbing her heart out over what she did while she was doing it. That only started when you found out. Her actions are those of a child - one that really enjoyed scrapping the icing off the cake and eating it but throwing a tantrum once caught. I’m sorry but I’d tell her to either pull it together or go live with a friend or her parents. You’re the one who’s broken here and she needs to get over her self-serving, self-pity game.

Edited November 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Marc878]

Most feel like they are entitled to a second chance. They weren't on the receiving end so it didn't affect them like it did you.

 

There is no guarantee of a second chance.

 

If they cheat the capability is there to do it again.

[Simple Logic]

I'm moving ahead with the divorce. I liked the way one of the posters here handled this - I'm honestly not sure what is the right way to reference (by name? Don't want to offend), I mean filing for divorce with a possibility of perhaps giving her a chance later on.

 

The truth is, from where I stand now, I physically cannot imagine words "OK, lets try to make it work" or something coming out from my mouth.

 

I just can't be in the same room with her, I see this creep instead of her. My dilemma now is can I ask her to move out as she lost her job? The lawyer told me not to leave myself and I cant kick her out but can offer to pay for her rent with sufficient time to move out. Happy to do that.

 

Of course she is crushed and sad and guilty and sorry and all. She wants it to work "at all cost".

 

What drives me nuts is despite the above she seem to think "we will make it", like a matter of time and effort.

Even if we divorce (I keep saying "when").

 

Does she know me better than I am?

 

I was one that advised you to file immediately and then decide if you want to continue the marriage. That advice has two advantages. First if you ultimately decide to end it you have not unnecessarily extended the process and 2nd you have put your wife on notice that one way or the other things are changing. Her being served may clarify her fealings and she may be full spread ahead or she going to do what is might take to save the marriage.

 

This divorce process takes time for good societal reason - people change their mind. I would listen, watch, and internalize about your wife, your kids and your future. There are no easy or great choices. Just what you believe is the best path forward. You might question your decisions along the way and that is quite normal. The divorce process allows for calling a time out if you want time for more evaluation.

 

You are still rather close to the trauma. I would tell your wife the way you feel today here and now you don’t believe you can continue the marriage and served her. If that changes, you will alter course accordingly.

Edited November 16, 2018 by Simple Logic

[ChrisH81]

My wife had that same attitude, she had it when she was served, she have it when we signed the final decree. In fact her words on that day was "our story doesn't end here, not like this"

 

I was simply amazed that she thought the whole time we would be ok. Even while having her affair she says she felt it wouldn't end us. I've talked about it here, and how much that entitled attitude drove me crazy.

 

Exactly. Like what she's done is bad, very bad, but not that bad that "we" (read I) won't be able to work it out. Like I maybe pissed off, grumpy, paranoid but at the end it is still me.

I feel like no matter what I do, I loose.

[ChrisH81]

Wow. She really just over-simplified her actions by saying those things. She probably thought it sounded romantic but how could she possibly think you wanted to hear that? Appallingly obtuse.

 

Correct again, I understand it is being said in a "romantic" way but the effect is totally opposite so far.

[ChrisH81]

I was one that advised you to file immediately and then decide if you want to continue the marriage. That advice has two advantages. First if you ultimately decide to end it you have not unnecessarily extended the process and 2nd you have put your wife on notice that one way or the other things are changing. Her being served may clarify her fealings and she may be full spread ahead or she going to do what is might take to save the marriage.

 

This divorce process takes time for good societal reason - people change their mind. I would listen, watch, and internalize about your wife, your kids and your future. There are no easy or great choices. Just what you believe is the best path forward. You might question your decisions along the way and that is quite normal. The divorce process allows for calling a time out if you want time for more evaluation.

 

You are still rather close to the trauma. I would tell your wife the way you feel today here and now you don’t believe you can continue the marriage and served her. If that changes, you will alter course accordingly.

 

I think that's the only way to move ahead now.

[S2B]

When you file and get divorced you don't lose!

 

You gain the possibility of being happy - instead of being with someone that pretends to love you while betraying you.

 

 

You start living an authentic life by removing what's toxic.

 

This is the way you take charge of your future/life!

[aliveagain]

Friend, the divorce process can be stopped anytime up to the final decree. My policy now is "no second chance" and it took me going through infidelity several times to get to that point. I also learned that separation is a waste of time(at least for me) as it's a wayward spouse's way of testing out the O/M or O/W before they completely cut all ties with you. Your wife is looking to you for direction as well she expects you to save her. Her wayward thinking hasn't grasped onto the fact that fu*king her boss wasn't a mistake and her decision to be his piece on the side voided your commitment to her.

 

You don't need to stay married to her to have a great relationship with your child. Why should you be expected to eat a sh*t sandwich to keep her lying cheating a$$ as your wife? She failed miserably as a wife. There is nothing stopping you from divorcing her and remarrying her if she can do the work of becoming a safe partner again. Most cheaters will promise you the world to maintain a cushy lifestyle, specially if they have been thrown under the bus by their affair partner. Had her affair partner been ready to leave his wife for her you would see a much more brutal wayward wife. Do what is best for you, give her the same respect she showed you, protect your child(that doesn't mean staying with his mother if infidelity is a deal breaker).

[Marc878]

Time will bring you even more clarity to the situation you're in provided you use your head.

[Simple Logic]

When you file and get divorced you don't lose!

 

You look at divorced people as non losers? Most people don’t. In fact many single women consider divorced men with children as losers.

 

There is also no guarantee this won’t happen in the next marriage.

Edited November 16, 2018 by Simple Logic

[S2B]

You look at divorced people as non losers? Most people don’t. In fact many single women consider divorced men with children as losers.

 

There is also no guarantee this won’t happen in the next marriage.

 

I believe the people who are cheated on are brave to take action when there's evidence they've been treated poorly.

 

As in, the other cheating spouse didn't keep their vows - and especially when presented with evidence show no remorse or ability/intention of changing.

 

 

The loser is the cheater.

[ChrisH81]

You look at divorced people as non losers? Most people don’t. In fact many single women consider divorced men with children as losers.

 

There is also no guarantee this won’t happen in the next marriage.

 

I don't think I should be too concerned about this right now.

[ChrisH81]

I believe the people who are cheated on are brave to take action when there's evidence they've been treated poorly.

 

As in, the other cheating spouse didn't keep their vows - and especially when presented with evidence show no remorse or ability/intention of changing.

 

 

The loser is the cheater.

 

I wish she'd shown remorse BEFORE jumping into bed to please (quote… yes) a married dude 10 or 15 years older than her, who - as someone posted here - was t going to abandon everything to be with her.

[Marc878]

Did you inform his wife?

[S2B]

Also have you exposed her cheating to all family and friends?

[Simple Logic]

Also have you exposed her cheating to all family and friends?

 

I read this advice all the time here. My question is why? Revenge, to shame the person, warn others, make certain the kids know there mom is not a good person, let everyone know you are a victim?

 

The truth will surface to all concerned over time without mass broadcast of your life’s difficulties.

Edited November 17, 2018 by Simple Logic

[Simple Logic]

Also have you exposed her cheating to all family and friends?

 

I read this advice all the time here. My question is why? Revenge, to shame the person, warn others? The truth will surface to all concerned over time without mass broadcast of your life’s difficulties.

 

Besides that, make her tell people why you are divorcing.

[ChrisH81]

Also have you exposed her cheating to all family and friends?

 

Her relatives know, she called them. I think in her (former) place of work know - a g. they added 2 and 2 after her abrupt resignation. Because of that I think his family knows.

 

As for the rest - how the hell is this supposed to work in reality? Sending a wedding card "hey I was not good enough to keep her faithful, the family you know is no more" or what?

 

I read this advice all the time here. My question is why? Revenge, to shame the person, warn others? The truth will surface to all concerned over time without mass broadcast of your life’s difficulties.

 

Besides that, make her tell people why you are divorcing.

 

Something like that.

[bathtub-row]

You look at divorced people as non losers? Most people don’t. In fact many single women consider divorced men with children as losers.

 

I’ve never heard anyone say that.