Wife cheated with her boss

[SummerDreams]

You are helping and thank you. My apologies, I didn't express myself clearly.

There was no criticism in my response whatsoever, I was just trying to understand.

 

 

No worries!

The only way for you to understand is asking your wife to explain her actions. But she has to know why she did it in the first place. What is her reply to that?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Chris, what Summer Dreams has to say makes a lot of sense. I would think that your wife had a dormant flaw within her. She may be a very good person who was weak at an inopportune moment. Her OM may just have exploited that weakness by first getting her in a vulnerable position. All this does not excuse her actions one bit. As an adult she had many many moments when she could have chosen to withdraw from inappropriate situations but she did not. Maybe the naughtiness of what she was doing excited her enough to keep her going. If you read the many stories on this forum and others like it you will find that often times women admit that the sex was not really a mind blowing experience for them but they still kept obliging their OMs because they yearned for the kind of attention their OMs gave them.

 

Your goal at this point should be to get out of infidelity. This means you do everything to distance yourself from your WW. Filing for divorce will be one very clear way to signal her and your subconscious mind that you are moving out of infidelity.There are many wiser folks on here who would be able to help you along the way in this regard. I am sure they will be along soon to give you the kind of advice that you need at present. Warm wishes.

[DKT3]

It's still amazes me just how typical affairs can be. My wife also had an affair with a guy she had no emotional connection with. It took me a long time to understand why. Your right, even after divorce it still played tricks on my mind.

 

It wasn't until years later when she was honest with me did it make sense. He was different, let her run rough shot over him. While she quickly identified him as not relationship worthy she deeply enjoyed his worship of her and basically being her bit ch.

 

None of that makes it easier to accept, so dont expect understanding will help.

Edited November 28, 2018 by DKT3

[lunarnaut]

I wasted a year of my life trying to understand why my ex-wife did the **** she did. If she can't give you a clear answer, then she either thinks it will hurt you too much, or she hasn't figured out why she did it. Both are grounds for divorce in my opinion.

 

My advice is to let go. File for divorce and start living your life. How special can a woman be who will do this multiple times? Try to see how much you can offer the world. Try to understand that there will be other women who will treat you right.

 

She has shown you the type of person she is - and you should believe her and run.

 

Move on. Be the best father you can be, have fun with friends, join a sports league, hit the gym, eat better, take care of yourself and the world can easily become an exciting and fun place again.

 

You can turn it around. Just let go of all that toxic ****.

[Buckeye2]

Women who realize that they have a good marriage and have an affair are a special breed. What they all have in common is that the sex act isn’t a big deal or special to them. What is special is the relationship. They know 100% is that they will never leave their husband. This is because they know he’s a great guy and the OM can’t even come close as a partner. Since the relationship isn’t in jeopardy they’re being faithful in the way that matters most (to them).

 

Having a good marriage also provides them with some security in two ways.

 

Since the marriage is good:

 

1. Any red flags that might lead to discovery are more likely to be dismissed.

 

2. If caught the husband is less likely to divorce.

 

It wasn't until years later when she was honest with me did it make sense. He was different, let her run rough shot over him. While she quickly identified him as not relationship worthy she deeply enjoyed his worship of her and basically being her bit ch.

 

I know of a case where a woman’s husband worked out of town one week a month. During that week her boss would take her to a five star hotel for a night and spend all kinds of money on her. She liked having this powerful guy that everyone was afraid of begging her for sex. He was her dog and she had the treats.

 

During his three weeks home she treated her husband like a king. She gave him an expensive present out of the blue with a note telling him how much she loved him. This was during her ongoing affair. My theory is that the gift and note were her way of reassuring herself that the marriage was solid.

Edited November 28, 2018 by Buckeye2

[Just a Guy]

Hi Buckeye, so how did that pan out in the end? Did the husband discover her infidelity and if he did, did he divorce her? Whatever the case maybe the fact remains that the woman cheated on her husband and just that fact is what matters. If her marriage was good and she really loved her husband she would not cheat on him whether he was present in town or out on a trip. Fact is she loved herself and wanted her own needs stoked. Her husband was just her security blanket. The guy who gave her his name, the status of a wife, who helped pay the bills and take out the trash and the rest of the stuff a husband is supposed to be there for. She did not really love him. Just as OP's wife does not love him.

 

Any man or woman who loves their spouse truly from the heart would die before they betrayed them in such a terrible way. The kind of infidelity the OP's wife indulged in smacks of entitlement. No emotions were involved and it was only a 'sex for pleasure' kind of situation where both she and her OM got their rocks off. In addition she craved the attention she got from a person in a position of power. For her it was a win win situation all round. A trusting loving husband at home and a person in a position of power at work who doted on her and desired her physically. Heady stuff for her for which she threw her morals to the wind. It is a sad story.

Edited November 29, 2018 by Just a Guy

[ChrisH81]

No worries!

The only way for you to understand is asking your wife to explain her actions. But she has to know why she did it in the first place. What is her reply to that?

 

I am asking her and her explanation doesn't make any sense to me.

 

She respected and admired him as a personality and felt that special mentor connection to him.

She enjoyed the attention and all these special discussions he had with her as if she was not just one of paralegals.

She could talk to him about all these law things while I was too focused on my IT practice (true I wanted to close the year strong)

She didn't feel strong sexual or romantic attraction to him but couldn't say no as she felt it may break their bond.

That's why she didn't enjoy sleeping with him but - as these messages indicate - did her best to impress him.

She wants to go couples counselling to explain.

 

I call it BS, however messages I got collaborate that story to a degree.

[ChrisH81]

You are right. She tells me she loved, loves and will love me, but I feel I have a right to be sceptical here. If that is what love is about - I'll pass.

 

 

Hi Buckeye, so how did that pan out in the end? Did the husband discover her infidelity and if he did, did he divorce her? Whatever the case maybe the fact remains that the woman cheated on her husband and just that fact is what matters. If her marriage was good and she really loved her husband she would not cheat on him whether he was present in town or out on a trip. Fact is she loved herself and wanted her own needs stoked. Her husband was just her security blanket. The guy who gave her his name, the status of a wife, who helped pay the bills and take out the trash and the rest of the stuff a husband is supposed to be there for. She did not really love him. Just as OP's wife does not love him.

 

Any man or woman who loves their spouse truly from the heart would die before they betrayed them in such a terrible way. The kind of infidelity the OP's wife indulged in smacks of entitlement. No emotions were involved and it was only a 'sex for pleasure' kind of situation where both she and her OM got their rocks off. In addition she craved the attention she got from a person in a position of power. For her it was a win win situation all round. A trusting loving husband at home and a person in a position of power at work who doted on her and desired her physically. Heady stuff for her for which she threw her morals to the wind. It is a sad story.

[SummerDreams]

I am asking her and her explanation doesn't make any sense to me.

 

She respected and admired him as a personality and felt that special mentor connection to him.

She enjoyed the attention and all these special discussions he had with her as if she was not just one of paralegals.

She could talk to him about all these law things while I was too focused on my IT practice (true I wanted to close the year strong)

She didn't feel strong sexual or romantic attraction to him but couldn't say no as she felt it may break their bond.

That's why she didn't enjoy sleeping with him but - as these messages indicate - did her best to impress him.

She wants to go couples counselling to explain.

 

I call it BS, however messages I got collaborate that story to a degree.

 

 

I may be wrong but what I see here is her indirectly "accusing" you for her infidelity. What I hear is "if YOU were here to give me the attention I was looking for, I wouldn't have cheated on you. I had the right to seek elsewhere the attention you were not giving me because, well, I wanted it".

 

I do appreciate her telling the truth about the reasons of her infidelity, but I don't find this reason to be good enough for you. It seems she doesn't quite understand the harm she caused. It's like a person who went into a store and stole a toy for their kid and when they get caught they say "well my kid wanted the toy so I stole it".

 

(sorry for my grammar mistakes, english is not my first language)

[Buckeye2]

Hi Buckeye, so how did that pan out in the end? Did the husband discover her infidelity and if he did, did he divorce her? .

 

It's a great thread on SI by Spaceghost. The problem with SI is that you will never find it without a link. Is it OK to post a link here?

[Buckeye2]

It's a great thread on SI by Spaceghost. The problem with SI is that you will never find it without a link. Is it OK to post a link here?

 

What I was pointing out is that some people just don’t think sex is a big deal and never will. The analogy I use is someone that grew up eating pork and then converted to a religion where it’s a sin.

 

If caught eating it they will feel bad about letting people down and hurting them. But they will never find pork disgusting. If they get away with enjoying a little bacon no problem. No harm no foul.

[ChrisH81]

I may be wrong but what I see here is her indirectly "accusing" you for her infidelity. What I hear is "if YOU were here to give me the attention I was looking for, I wouldn't have cheated on you. I had the right to seek elsewhere the attention you were not giving me because, well, I wanted it".

 

I do appreciate her telling the truth about the reasons of her infidelity, but I don't find this reason to be good enough for you. It seems she doesn't quite understand the harm she caused. It's like a person who went into a store and stole a toy for their kid and when they get caught they say "well my kid wanted the toy so I stole it".

 

(sorry for my grammar mistakes, english is not my first language)

 

I hear you loud and clear. Yes there is a degree of... probably not accusing me, but sort of trying not to make it 100% her fault.

 

I think I understand what you mean by "reason not good enough for me". No reason is good enough for me, but some - like if she met someone better for her - would at least make sense? So her ones are not good enough because I've never seen that flaw in her ever before.

[ChrisH81]

What I was pointing out is that some people just don’t think sex is a big deal and never will. The analogy I use is someone that grew up eating pork and then converted to a religion where it’s a sin.

 

If caught eating it they will feel bad about letting people down and hurting them. But they will never find pork disgusting. If they get away with enjoying a little bacon no problem. No harm no foul.

 

I would absolutely agree with you, if only she have always been totally opposite to your example, sex has always been a big deal for her. That's why it is so weird.

[Adotta]

What kind of relationship did they seem to have based on thier communications?

 

 

 

Was it just about sex? Did they talk emotion? Did they talk about You? Who was the one initiating and pushing for sex? Did you recover deleted texts? Emails? Whatsapp or any chat apps?

 

 

 

Those communications are the best window into what thier relationship was about and her words.... well they don't count for ****.

 

 

So what picture did they paint?

 

 

I just dont really understand her whole mentor , looking up to him angle. I mean who has sex with someone they are neither attracted to or emotionally involved with? ..... unless she has daddy issues. Did she see having sex with him as payment for his mentorship? I just dont get it.

 

 

How old was this guy? Older? Same age group? I guess I could see it if this guy is super successful, attractive, powerful, charismatic. Some women get giddy over men like that. They know men like that have thier pick of the litter and feel like it's soooooo flattering when THEY are chosen. I've seen a few stories like that. The work horn dog who is known to be a horn dog comes onto a woman and she feels like it makes her better than the other non chosen women. Like "look he chose me and not all of you other bitches!".

 

 

Mostly I would caution you from believing what she says are her reasons without some data and evidence to back it up. So... how much of thier communications do you have? She most likely is trying to come up with a story of her reasons that doesn't make her look so bad or hurts less for you. She wants you as un angry and hurt as possible right now. She still has reason to curb the truth.

 

 

 

Also... his wife may know something happened.... make sure she knows EVERYTHING that happened. he probably has her sold on a friendship out of control or an ea. He is way unlikely to have told the whole truth.

 

 

Have you thought about sitting her down and asking for her to not fight in a divorce? Say you could divorce and date, but only if she divorces you cleanly while taking as little as possible. Otherwise you will take her getting as much as she can as a signal she is looking out for herself first and herself second.

 

 

 

I wouldn't recommend going for full custody as most parents go up in arms over that, but financially..... see if she will roll over and take it. Dangle dating after and possible remarriage down the road in front of her as bait.... hell maybe you could even mean it? Say something like.... we need to dovorce so we can start over. A new relationship. A new marriage. We need to destroy the old. Dismantle it. Then we can rebuild.

 

 

 

I've always liked that option. The wayward gets to show they are not selfish and willing to lower themselves and protect thier B.S. and the betrayed gets to see that while being protected from paying alimony and child support to the person who betrayed them.

 

 

 

It would be something selfless she could do to show you she isnt a monster AND it would cover your ass. Also make sure she gets a full time job nomatter what. It protects you financially. Her not working is bad. Leaves you ready for an ass ramming in court.

 

 

P.s

 

 

 

Tell her to shove marriage counseling up her butt. She can figure all of that out in individual counseling. Mc is likely to go on and on about how this is at least partially your fault. Mc are notoriously LIBERAL about placing blame. As if her cheating was a team sport. If anyone ever tries to blame you tell them "what did I spread your legs for him? Did I guide his penis into your vagina. Did I sign a waver? No!! I didn't. Any issues in our marriage.... we can talk about. Your cheating... that's all YOU! Even if I was a psycho... which I'm not, cheating is NOT an answer to that. Divorce is. Separations is. ****, just talking about it is. NOT CHEATING!!! Sick and twisted people cheat!" If he answer is anything other than shame and agreement..... she isnt even close to understanding what she has done.

Edited November 29, 2018 by Adotta

[Just a Guy]

Hi Buckeye, thank you for your reply. I have seen references to Spaceghost's posts on SI and I believe he handled his situation well. I do not think you can post a link to this thread here. You will be pulled up by the Mods. I will search for it there if it is possible.

 

Hi Chris, now that you have most of the facts around your WW's infidelity is a plan for moving forward forming in your mind? I think Adotta came up with some good suggestions. You may like to consider them. Remember, whichever way you look at this, the reasons for your wife cheating on you will always be wrong. There will never be any extenuating circumstances where she could justify her actions. As has been repeated here on so many threads, the problems in a marriage are shared by both partners in the proportion of 50 percent each or may vary 40/60 or whatever other proportion. However cheating is the responsibility of the WS alone and cannot be justified by any yard stick. If someone is unhappy in a marriage then they need to talk it over with their spouse and if no progress is made over a sufficient period of time they have the option to divorce and move on.

 

In your case if you are undecided about your future relationship with your WW and think that there is a possibility that you would want to reconcile with her, then the best possible way to do this is to divorce her and start on a clean slate all over again. Although the divorce may be traumatic for you it will also be somewhat therapeutic as it will give you back control of your life which is essential for your self esteem and at the same time will present consequences to your WW and drive home the point that her choices especially her selfish ones, have consequences which can be life changing and painful. She needs to learn this lesson if she is to change for the better and become a safe spouse for you or anyone else. Divorce will shake her out of her comfort zone and make her realize the value of what she had with you and how foolish she was in throwing it all away. Think about these things for a while before you take a decision about your future with or without her. Warm wishes.

Edited November 30, 2018 by Just a Guy
Corrections in the text.

[doyathinkso]

To find spaceghost on SI you should look at the Just Found Out and look at any other posting. look at the url and substitute this number ... 552588

[doyathinkso]

And he has an update in 613476.

[Just a Guy]

Hi doyathinkso, thank you for the the info on Spaceghost. Just a Guy.

[ChrisH81]

I would like to thank all and everyone here. Your help and suggestions were very valuable (sometimes unpleasant).

 

Over the last couple off weeks my head got cleared emouth to recognize the fact that it is not clear enough to comprehend or rationalize what has happened. Especially now, when I have all or at least major pieces of the puzzle together.

 

I'm taking a break from my marriage, which I thought is a lifetime thing. Well, it just kicked the bucket and I think I'd never know the root cause.

 

Thank you once again

[DKT3]

What do you mean by taking a break? How did she react to the news?

 

I personally think it's very important for a BS to get away from the WS for a period of time. I dont believe you can make the best decision for yourself when you have a person who you love and trust, but stabbed you in the back there trying to influence your decision. They have shown you that they dont have your best interests at heart.