Wife cheated with her boss

[Normm]

Now if he can keep it under wraps until he gets a plan together, more info and decide which waybhevwantsvtongo he's ahead of most at this time.

 

 

No doubt. That alone is going to be a challenge.

[Marc878]

Feels like it is anyway. Cr**p, never thought this is going to happen.

 

Anyway, after reading your posts multiple times, I think all my next steps depend on if she admits it or nor.

Because I know what I've seen and there is no other explanation to these messages. I am (was) sane and know what they mean. Plus this now really clicks with some recent changes in her.

 

 

So if she admits it, I will request these messages to take next steps. Unless she wants to move out to be with him, I have a family to consider.

If she keeps denying, I take it she's making a fool out of me.

 

Before this I'd need to somehow put my pocker face on… pretend I'm OK and try to access her phone. And if she's sensed the storm and deleted the messages, I'm screwed.

 

No one is prepared for this. What you are feeling is normal in these circuntamces.

 

How good is your acting ability? She's in an affair so it may not take much.

 

Act sick. You caught a bug, etc. ha!!! Throw up,on her!!!!

 

You know her better tag us but most often they'll deny and lie like hell.

[Marc878]

How long married an how old is the child?

 

Is this a deal breaker? If that's the case you don't need anything else. This isn't a court of law.

[Normm]

Anyway, after reading your posts multiple times, I think all my next steps depend on if she admits it or nor.

 

 

You clearly are reading but not listening. Regardless of your intentions, confronting her at this point is the single worst mistake you can possibly make.

[Marc878]

Reconciliation takes 2-5 years with no guarantees.

 

It takes two you can't do it alone.

 

She would have to be remourseful (want the marriage)

 

She'd have to quit the job. Go complete no tact forever. (Affairs are addictive, you get the addict around the source you get relapse)

 

His wife should also be informed (this puts two sets of eyes on them in case he tries to pursue)

 

A true R take a lot of time/effort.

 

More for you to think about.

[Marc878]

You clearly are reading but not listening. Regardless of your intentions, confronting her at this point is the single worst mistake you can possibly make.

 

Why?

 

Most will lie and deny upfront.

[Normm]

Why?

 

Most will lie and deny upfront.

 

 

As I said earlier, if he was to confront her it will not be productive- she will likely deny (as you just said yourself) and even if she admits to it which is unlikely, she'll blameshift and try to make it all his fault. She did it because he didn't give her enough attention or whatever.

 

Now she'll be tipped off and she'll take it underground and it will be much more difficult to prove and blow up the affair and he'll lose the advantage of surprise if he intends to divorce her.

[Rubix Cubed]

Because he has zero proof. She'll deny. It will go underground,he'll have an almost impossible task of getting proof of an office affair (especially a law office) and her lawyer boss will take him to the cleaners without some speck of proof.

[Marc878]

Put on your best acting cap.

 

Does she sync her phone to a PC or iPad?

 

How technology literate are you?

[Normm]

Here's a new thread posted by someone else who is a few months ahead of you and is making bad choices.

 

 

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/667744-my-wife-her-boss#post7660422

[Simple Logic]

Investigate, get proof, get his wife to straighten it out, confront..... Why

Edited October 25, 2018 by Simple Logic

[Corazon de Leon]

PLEASE keep your cool for AS LONG AS YOU CAN.

 

I'm just coming out of a 4 year battle post D Day.

I'VE WON exactly what I wanted in a no fault divorce state.

 

I made some mistakes which I'll Pray you don't make.

 

DON'T:

* confront. Cheaters lie and being she's in an affair, they may already have their exit plan (or not).

* have sex with her.

* do the pick me dance, you'll just look pathetic.

 

DO:

* take minimum 3 weeks before confronting with a fait accompli if you're organized.

* get legal advice asap.

* if you're in a fault divorce state (or even for your own closure) hire a PI. Get ALL THE DIRT you can.

* move money if you can.

* get an STD check.

* I read a BRILLIANT thread here called Peaks and Valleys, follow everything you can on that thread.

* organise finance to pay her out, you keep the child, you keep the house.

* organize the whole "package" of PI reports, divorce papers, financial settlement and have it delivered to her work one morning.

* I changed the locks and allowed WS access to live in the garage only ("half" the house). Do this day of delivery of the package.

* organize a package for the other betrayed spouse ie PI reports and photos, text messages, emails if you can. Deliver on same day as the unfaithful wife's.

 

Stay strong. Your unfaithful wife will dribble alot of diarrhea out of her mouth after the delivery. Go no contact except for lawyers if you can.

 

When you feel low visit chumplady dot com.

 

Corazon de Leon

[ChrisH81]

Put on your best acting cap.

 

Does she sync her phone to a PC or iPad?

 

How technology literate are you?

 

I run an IT consulting firm. Makes me technical enough to understand this is over and nothing to hold on to anymore.

 

Your posts made me to start thinking slightly more rationally and that's what I ended up with.

 

A year plus ago she joined this firm as assistant / paralegal (always been obsessed with lawyers, all episodes of "good wife" - I get the irony - and so). To get corporate email on her phone a policy needed to be applied, requiring the phone to have password or pin. She always hated this (phone never locked before) so I helped to set up biometrics.

 

That's how a got the messages, she's in bathroom, phone annoys the hell out of me, I pick it up, my finger touches the sensor and unlocks the phone (she hasn't deleted my fingerprint data).

 

What I'm trying to day is until now I thought this was some sort of one night stand. Her changing her behaviour lasted for about a week. So I thought.

 

Now when I started thinking about that phone security thing, I realised that about a month ago I noticed her phone password (which is needed even with fingerprints) was changed from what I set it up initially.

 

So it lasted way longer than I thought and was premeditated.

 

Look, I may not interpreted your advices properly and you've wasted your time but I do not think there is anything I can do anyway. Don't see any hope or happy ending here.

[Maraud3r]

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CONFRONT HER, TIP HER OFF OR GIVE HER A WARNING!

 

Do not negotiate, beg, plead or cry. Giving the WS any kind of power in this situation, putting the ball in their court or letting them make the decisions is a huge mistake on your part.

 

You're tech savvy, USE THAT. Start collecting evidence, spy on her, find as much stuff as you can all while playing the oblivious husband. As soon as you have hard proof, as much as you can reasonably get before she wisens up you change your approach.

 

I assume you know the song Thunderstruck by AC/DC? That will be the step after. Going nuclear on the two of them and raining hell down upon their heads. Inform his wife, send her all the evidence you have. With a bit of luck that will knock him right out and introduce another party into the conflict that while not allied to you, will blow right up in his face.

 

This will destroy the support your wife could expect from him, it will likely take away her choice to keep the relationship and narrow down the options left to her.

 

At this point, inform their employer. Him being a partner doesn't mean he'll get off scot free. It might just make the situation worse for both him and your wife. Once this is done inform family and friends of her activities, before she can get her story out there and possibly spin a tale.

 

No matter what outcome you aim for. R, Divorce or simply to blow up the entire thing so you can get your head straight on after, This way you'll have the deck stacked as much as you can in your favour.

[aliveagain]

Decide what it is you want, what is your goal? You have all the information you need to decide to stay or leave the marriage if infidelity is a deal breaker. You saw what you needed to see in order for you to decide your path. You need to talk to a lawyer so you know your rights and you need to protect your children as well as your finances. You can't un-see what you saw, there was no way to misinterpret what you read. It would have been ideal to save copies of what you read but they are not necessary to decide the fate of your marriage. They may be important if you decide to divorce, having proof may affect your settlement this is why it is important you talk to a lawyer before you act.

 

You decide when you want to confront your wife depending on your decision to stay or leave the marriage. She will stay in the affair until you do, most that cheat love the attention of more then one suitor. Can you get back into her phone and copy yourself with some of the damaging emails before she deletes them(proof for the other man's wife)?

[Starswillshine]

A lot of good advice here. But I feel most lack a human response. Mainly because they are men and mainly because we have all been here before.

 

I just want to say I am really sorry you are here. The pain you are experiencing and the shock is like no other. Think long and hard about what you want. I think you should delay telling her and do more looking into everything regardless if you want to save the marriage or not. I wanted to save my marriage more than anything. I found out in front of him, so there was no way of hiding I knew. He opened his phone and there was the app. Do all you can to find out everything you need to know. Some people dont need to know the details. Some people just need to know it happened and that is enough for them to make a decision. I stayed around for 2 years in agony begging to know what happened. He would deny. I was trickle truthed that entire time and it was painful. I finally made the decision to leave.

 

The other spouse has the right to know what is going on in her marriage, too. So collect as much as you can and find a gentle way to tell her. I dont like the idea of just dumping on someone without notice. If you can find out her schedule in some way. You dont want to email or just mail it... what if she is in front of her kids? Or at a kid function? Etc.

 

Try to take a moment today to just clear your brain and process it. Life, unfortunately, will never be the same. This will now be a defining moment. A before and after. It is completely unfair that other people's actions can have such profound hurt. I am really sorry.

[Marc878]

I run an IT consulting firm. Makes me technical enough to understand this is over and nothing to hold on to anymore.

 

Your posts made me to start thinking slightly more rationally and that's what I ended up with.

 

A year plus ago she joined this firm as assistant / paralegal (always been obsessed with lawyers, all episodes of "good wife" - I get the irony - and so). To get corporate email on her phone a policy needed to be applied, requiring the phone to have password or pin. She always hated this (phone never locked before) so I helped to set up biometrics.

 

That's how a got the messages, she's in bathroom, phone annoys the hell out of me, I pick it up, my finger touches the sensor and unlocks the phone (she hasn't deleted my fingerprint data).

 

What I'm trying to day is until now I thought this was some sort of one night stand. Her changing her behaviour lasted for about a week. So I thought.

 

Now when I started thinking about that phone security thing, I realised that about a month ago I noticed her phone password (which is needed even with fingerprints) was changed from what I set it up initially.

 

So it lasted way longer than I thought and was premeditated.

 

Look, I may not interpreted your advices properly and you've wasted your time but I do not think there is anything I can do anyway. Don't see any hope or happy ending here.

 

I suspect you are right. A workplace affair is never a one night stand. It starts as friends and progresses from there.

 

If you reflect back now you can probably see. Late or early work hours, trips,

Change in dress habits, sexual intimacy, time on the phone, cold or distancing herself.

[40somethingGuy]

Thanks, enjoyed thinking about this. I will consider when a I have an iron clad proof (still part of me screams "it's a mistake").

Besides in my company I'd ask for facts before terminating an employee. He is a partner in a law firm by the way.

 

This is the worst thing you can think...it is a CHOICE. A mistake is not carrying the 10's place when doing math. A mistake is mixing colored clothes in with whites in the washing machine. This was a CHOICE. And she CHOOSE someone else. You have all the proof you need. You just don't know how many times and to what depth/how long.

[Maraud3r]

But I feel most lack a human response. Mainly because they are men

TIL Men are not human and their "response" isn't human. Good to know. So far I was under the misconception I was human. Now I know better. Thank you Starswillshine.

[Starswillshine]

TIL Men are not human and their "response" isn't human. Good to know. So far I was under the misconception I was human. Now I know better. Thank you Starswillshine.

 

Let me clarify. When stuff like this happens, I find most men take hard action and work the situation. Whereas women are emotional.

 

Look at all the advice on this thread. Great advice, but not many are addressing the emotional side of this mess.

 

Sorry I offended. Men are human. But men are also about business in these situations. And I would guess most commenting on this thread were men in this position at some point (I was a woman in this position). Make sense?

[ChrisH81]

I suspect you are right. A workplace affair is never a one night stand. It starts as friends and progresses from there.

 

If you reflect back now you can probably see. Late or early work hours, trips,

Change in dress habits, sexual intimacy, time on the phone, cold or distancing herself.

 

All of the above plus more.

On top of everything else I feel like a complete idiot for not reacting earlier.

[BaileyB]

Your post was kind and compassionate Starswillshone, as they always are... I’m sure OP appreciated your kind and thoughtful insight.

 

OP, I too am very sorry for what you are experiencing. Right now, you are in shock and running on adrenaline, I’m sure. You will experience many emotions as you move through this experience. Keep posting - there is good support and lots of advice for you here!

[ChrisH81]

Your post was kind and compassionate Starswillshone, as they always are... I’m sure OP appreciated your kind and thoughtful insight.

 

OP, I too am very sorry for what you are experiencing. Right now, you are in shock and running on adrenaline, I’m sure. You will experience many emotions as you move through this experience. Keep posting - there is good support and lots of advice for you here!

 

You are absolutely right. I thank each and any of you.

 

I get the mainstream of advice here and it all makes sense. I think in my position it'd be the best to follow it, if only I can.

I'm not sure for how long can I keep my cool and pretend I'm just busy.

She obviously detected something is going on. Barrage of "are you all right" and "is anything going on* then... just static.

[ChrisH81]

This is the worst thing you can think...it is a CHOICE. A mistake is not carrying the 10's place when doing math. A mistake is mixing colored clothes in with whites in the washing machine. This was a CHOICE. And she CHOOSE someone else. You have all the proof you need. You just don't know how many times and to what depth/how long.

 

I mean there's another explanation to these messages and her behavior - that I've made a mistake.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed and you were putting your wife's health at risk for STD's; do you think that she would be behaving the way you are? I seriously suggest that you get tested for STD's and contact an attorney to understand your legal options. Good luck.