Wife cheated with her boss

[Just a Guy]

Hi Chris, you've been given a lot of good advice by a lot of experienced folk on here. Do plan on doing anything about it or are you just going to waffle around? If you want positive results you have to be decisive. Marc suggested getting a PI and you indicated that you could afford one. If you can then go ahead and hire one and get all the evidence you need. Up to now you are just going around in circles. While it is understandable that you are facing a traumatic situation by being indecisive you are only ensuring your wife will be able to clean up whatever evidence you could muster and will take her affair deep underground.

 

You should read some of the threads of people who have successfully handled cases involving their spouses infidelity. Others on the forum will be able to point you to some of these threads. Wish you the very best going forward.

[Normm]

How the **** else should I interpret him "having a screw loose in bed last time" and worrying he's "underperformed"?

 

She’ll say he’s a handyman she hired to fix the bed frame and he did a lousy job.

[40somethingGuy]

She’ll say he’s a handyman she hired to fix the bed frame and he did a lousy job.

 

 

OP to his wife- 'so how you feel about your boss, X'

Wife responds something like 'he's a good boss' or 'he's fine,why?'

OP to his wife- 'do you feel he is underperforming?'

Wife- 'what do you mean?'

OP to his wife- 'when he had a loose screw in bed, did you feel he was underperforming?'

 

 

...One tactic I used when I was going to confront was start to use direct quotes I read in the texts and used them to my wife. It really messes with their head and puts them on the spot right there, so confused they can't hardly come up in time with a good explanation.

[DKT3]

OP to his wife- 'so how you feel about your boss, X'

Wife responds something like 'he's a good boss' or 'he's fine,why?'

OP to his wife- 'do you feel he is underperforming?'

Wife- 'what do you mean?'

OP to his wife- 'when he had a loose screw in bed, did you feel he was underperforming?'

 

 

...One tactic I used when I was going to confront was start to use direct quotes I read in the texts and used them to my wife. It really messes with their head and puts them on the spot right there, so confused they can't hardly come up in time with a good explanation.

 

Or just say "I have proof your screwing your boss, what do you have to say for yourself before I file for divorce "

 

Dont play games, no need to hire anyone or ask probing questions, you already have all you need with that one comment for the dude.

 

Like my brother once told me, you have your proof she did it, now your looking for proof she didn't. Dont waste your time, what are you going to do?

[inpeices]

Hi Chris,

Really sorry you are going through this. As others have said, you've had good advice so far and I suspect like alot of us, you probably can't make the connection between how you act/what you do and how this affects you further down the road.

I suspected my ex of an affair, I was talked into leaving for a couple of weeks to give her 'space' Not realising it was a full on physical affair of 6mths +. House sat for a mate whilst they went on holiday.

I accessed phone records one afternoon (about 15 pages) of texts, call records etc. Printed them off, went back to friends house with two bottles of wine in Shock.

It was worse than I could have imagined as at this point I thought it was an emotional affair. I put a keylogger on our laptop, I saw transactions for hotels. Even money transferred to the affair partner.

I chose my evening to confront. My birthday funnily enough. I asked if they'd like to tell me what was going on with X. They said nothing, don't be stupid. I said please don't make me show you what I know...

Response "There's nothing to know, we are just friends, you're being paranoid"

I said I am going to ask once more..

Same response...

Laid the 15 pages of calls & texts on the table. Ex duly got up, went direct to bathroom and threw up.

Mutual friend came round (pre planned) And mediated whilst ex blabbered her way through the why's and what fors..

All my fault, you name it it was my fault..

 

My point being is without knowing the extent of the affair you are weak.Whether you stay together or divorce. I was in a strong position yet ultimately it was denied and minimised.. I had an interesting conversation about the hotels and the money as you can imagine..

 

When a woman leaves a marriage she has usually checked out long before.. My ex was like an alien.. unrecognizable in character.

 

Get your finances secure, get your facts together.

Get legal advice immediately. Protect your child/children 're custody and prepare to walk away.

 

Reconciliation is impossible without Trust. Trust has been broken and if you get angry and blow up (I eventually did after 6 months of hell) it just does more damage to a terribly fractured marriage.And does alot of harm to you emotionally which can make you very sick.

 

If I had my time again, I wish I'd walked away and not fought to keep the relationship alive.. Ex was not even on this planet and took a year to wake up.. by that time I was so emotionally exhausted and devastated it was too late. I lost all respect for her and knew I could never trust her with my heart again.

 

Good luck Chris ?

[DKT3]

Hi Chris,

Really sorry you are going through this. As others have said, you've had good advice so far and I suspect like alot of us, you probably can't make the connection between how you act/what you do and how this affects you further down the road.

I suspected my ex of an affair, I was talked into leaving for a couple of weeks to give her 'space' Not realising it was a full on physical affair of 6mths +. House sat for a mate whilst they went on holiday.

I accessed phone records one afternoon (about 15 pages) of texts, call records etc. Printed them off, went back to friends house with two bottles of wine in Shock.

It was worse than I could have imagined as at this point I thought it was an emotional affair. I put a keylogger on our laptop, I saw transactions for hotels. Even money transferred to the affair partner.

I chose my evening to confront. My birthday funnily enough. I asked if they'd like to tell me what was going on with X. They said nothing, don't be stupid. I said please don't make me show you what I know...

Response "There's nothing to know, we are just friends, you're being paranoid"

I said I am going to ask once more..

Same response...

Laid the 15 pages of calls & texts on the table. Ex duly got up, went direct to bathroom and threw up.

Mutual friend came round (pre planned) And mediated whilst ex blabbered her way through the why's and what fors..

All my fault, you name it it was my fault..

 

My point being is without knowing the extent of the affair you are weak.Whether you stay together or divorce. I was in a strong position yet ultimately it was denied and minimised.. I had an interesting conversation about the hotels and the money as you can imagine..

 

When a woman leaves a marriage she has usually checked out long before.. My ex was like an alien.. unrecognizable in character.

 

Get your finances secure, get your facts together.

Get legal advice immediately. Protect your child/children 're custody and prepare to walk away.

 

Reconciliation is impossible without Trust. Trust has been broken and if you get angry and blow up (I eventually did after 6 months of hell) it just does more damage to a terribly fractured marriage.And does alot of harm to you emotionally which can make you very sick.

 

If I had my time again, I wish I'd walked away and not fought to keep the relationship alive.. Ex was not even on this planet and took a year to wake up.. by that time I was so emotionally exhausted and devastated it was too late. I lost all respect for her and knew I could never trust her with my heart again.

 

Good luck Chris ?

This is my point. I danced with my wife for 8 months, then it took me another 6 months to be comfortable with doing what I knew had to be done. Once she was served it all came out, every detail. It was no where near as bad as I imagined but it was too late, I was done.

 

One thing you will hear most men who were once in your situation say "I wish I had done it earlier " that is be strong and protected themselves. Too scared to take strong actions for fear that it will change everything and push them away only sets YOU up for more unnecessary pain and turmoil.

[inpeices]

This is my point. I danced with my wife for 8 months, then it took me another 6 months to be comfortable with doing what I knew had to be done. Once she was served it all came out, every detail. It was no where near as bad as I imagined but it was too late, I was done.

 

One thing you will hear most men who were once in your situation say "I wish I had done it earlier " that is be strong and protected themselves. Too scared to take strong actions for fear that it will change everything and push them away only sets YOU up for more unnecessary pain and turmoil.

 

In fact.. If you think about it. You're Dating your Wife and find out she's having sex with another man..

Do you continue to date her? Give her an ultimatum or run for the hills knowing she is a liar and a cheater by character..? I know the answer.. history/houses/kids/ you can't stop a train that's derailing.. but you can jump off and pick up the bits and try to repair the damage later when you get out of hospital! ☝️

[Normm]

Or just say "I have proof your screwing your boss, what do you have to say for yourself before I file for divorce ?

 

He's got to be prepared to follow through.

 

That much is questionable.

[DKT3]

He's got to be prepared to follow through.

 

That much is questionable.

 

That is the hard part about reading this story and those like it. Having perfect 20/20 hindsight and trying to get those in the eye of the hurricane to see it from down the road. I've been cheated on, I've been divorced and the absolute worst part was that crap between the two. That part where you're being lied to and misled by someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart.

 

Strong actions accelerate the process. Either your wayward spouses will jump on or they get left behind. Quickest way from A to Z is simply saying this is what I know, you're cheating I'm not interested in your lies and blame, I'm not interested in investigating, I'm only interested in getting healthy and happy you can get on the train or get off the tracks cuz this train is moving.

[bathtub-row]

I’m not going to pretend I understand the laws about cheating and what that means so take this for whatever it’s worth. I’d simply tell her I know she’s cheating, saw the text, and that I’m filing for divorce. Then start sleeping in the guest room or sofa until all is resolved.

[40somethingGuy]

I’m not going to pretend I understand the laws about cheating and what that means so take this for whatever it’s worth. I’d simply tell her I know she’s cheating, saw the text, and that I’m filing for divorce. Then start sleeping in the guest room or sofa until all is resolved.

 

Correction- the cheater should have to go to spare bedroom or couch.

[Maraud3r]

I’m not going to pretend I understand the laws about cheating and what that means so take this for whatever it’s worth. I’d simply tell her I know she’s cheating, saw the text, and that I’m filing for divorce. Then start sleeping in the guest room or sofa until all is resolved.

That, is actually a really bad idea. Because it puts the cheater in the position to act. They can start spinning lies, sway people, frame you and work things in their favour. Cheaters are adept liars and deceivers, they've shown themselves to be ruthless, with no qualms and to be completely self serving.

 

Getting as much evidence as one can, getting as far ahead in terms of getting a lawyer and preppeing the paperwork, then going in for a carpet bombing first strike is the way to go. Completely blindside them, put them off balance, inform their place of work, friends and family and the affair partners spouse. Bereave them of any support network they might have, kill the affair because their affair partner will suddenly have an angry spouse to deal with themselves, possibly get them fired and steamroll them with the legal system.

 

This isn't about fairness or decency anymore. It's about getting out of this as good as humanely possibly. And this very much involves making certain friends and family have the actual facts, that the cheater will have as little chance as possible to fight back or "work their magic.

 

Also that they take the couch, if they're even allowed into the house.

[bathtub-row]

Correction- the cheater should have to go to spare bedroom or couch.

 

I thought about that but I think physically making a move into another room (maybe not the sofa) would have more impact.

[Normm]

That, is actually a really bad idea. Because it puts the cheater in the position to act. They can start spinning lies, sway people, frame you and work things in their favour. Cheaters are adept liars and deceivers, they've shown themselves to be ruthless, with no qualms and to be completely self serving.

 

Only matters if he is going to divorce her AND they happen to live in a state where adultery actually matters to a judge AND if he can prove it.

 

If he's going to divorce her and it's a no fault state for all practical purposes, he can simply go see an attorney, file for divorce and go about his life, having as little contact with her as possible. Let her find out about the divorce when she gets the papers handed to her by a process server. He will get some satisfaction from doing it that way.

 

If he's going to try to save the marriage (if that's even an option) then he should not confront her, for all the reasons provided- but he's made it clear that he's going to do exactly that, and it also seems like he's going to try to keep the marriage intact.

[Normm]

Correction- the cheater should have to go to spare bedroom or couch.

 

There "should" be a world with winged unicorns that we could ride and where everyone would get along and never be sick and live forever.

 

The cheater "should" go on a couch. The cheater "should" be burned at the stake. The cheater "should" be stripped of their sex organs.

 

It doesn't matter what "should" happen. Because it almost never does.

Edited October 26, 2018 by Normm

[misspalmy]

I'm the other woman. I can tell you they never change. Save yourself some more drama. come up with a plan and kick her out. let ur son stay. get a lawyer. some states would take your side when it comes to cheating.

 

dont put up with up. shes playing you

[Normm]

Totally think she's just enjoying screwing with your head because she knows it bothers you. She's probably got all her friends in on it. "There's this guy at work, I stare at him and it totally freaks him out!" Maybe she even laughs about it with her husband before he bangs her.

 

I'm telling you, get the upper hand here! Give it right back to her. You don't like my New Years noisemaker idea or the bucket of water on her head. Fine.

 

Get a bunch of halloween masks and put them in a box under your desk. Next time she stares, drop your head, slip one on and stare right back at her.

 

The mask from Scream might be a good one

[Lewhawk]

You have all of the proof you need for yourself, doesn’t matter if she denies it. You know what you read, the longer you wait the more they’re doing. Doesn’t matter if she denies, you know and she’ll know that you know. If she wants to make you out to be crazy that will show you she’s not worth keeping anyway.

[Normm]

Please disregard my post 2 above this one it was intended for a different thread, the one about the guy who has this girl staring at him at work.

[Simple Logic]

So you gotten advice her is my 2 cents.

 

First decide if your evidence s solid and if you can forgive your wife. If you cannot see an attorney, file and serve her. There no reason to even talk to her about it.

 

Secondly if you would be able to forgive, tell her in a very matter of fact manner that you know of the affair. Tell her ends today or you are filing. If she lies and denies it, go see a lawyer, file and have her served ASAP. If she ends the affair and then wants to save the marriage then you might listen.

 

Otherwise you are just spinning your wheels and dragging out the inevitable.

[Gingerhoney]

Hi, I'm just about 13 months out. Wife had a 9 month physical affair with some dude from her home town. It was classic affair material. We married young, did not have a good foundation, she was from a broken family, marriage got in a bad place after 3 kids, 15 yrs or marriage. We're both in our late 30s. She reconnected with a bunch of people from her hometown and her childhood. Next thing you know, 2 guys start paying attention to her and she starts a serious affair with one of them. I discovered their messages. It's was all classic limerance stuff.

 

I have a simple suggestion. You will need to forgive regardless. Forgiveness is for yourself so that you can move on without bitterness..

But, you need to ask yourself if you can still love her or come to love her in a new way all over again. For myself the answer is no. I would I have forgiven her about 80 to 90%. But, I also know very well I don't want to be with her anymore. I wish the OM would be responsible and just take her away so that I don't feel responsible for her anymore. Or that I God's permission to divorce her.

 

Don't make my mistake. I deleted all the evidence. You should keep calm first. Collect as much evidence you can. I know it's going to be tough, you may have to let her go around sleeping with her boss while you collect the evidence. But, keep your cards close first. Keep all the evidence you can get, esp their messages and pictures together. Get all your ducks in a row. Consult a lawyer. Ask yourself will you want to live and love this person for the rest of your life even if she really wanted to make it work with you. If the answer is no, get all your ducks in a row. If the answer is yes, you still need to protect yourself. She may do it again in the future.

 

Get your ducks all in a row. And then confront them together. Don't get the AP wife involved yet. I made that mistake. I forced her ap to confess to his wife. You may eventually feel that your wife deserves her boss and you deserve a better life. I'm tired of being a Colin firth or Scott broadwell.

 

Good luck. I'm free to talk to you anytime.

[ChrisH81]

All it ****ing took is "wet need to talk, can I please have your phone?".

 

And what am I expected to do with all this crap now?

[S2B]

You start imposing harsh consequences for her.

 

Did you move assets/money into your name only?

 

Did you make her pack ONE bag and leave with only that?

 

Have you looked into filing for divorce?

 

 

What did she say?

 

 

Don't believe her when she lies right to your face. She's made this mess - she needs consequences. This isn't the time to be easy on her...you want her scared she will lose everything.

[doyathinkso]

You start imposing harsh consequences for her.

 

Did you move assets/money into your name only?

 

Did you make her pack ONE bag and leave with only that?

 

Have you looked into filing for divorce?

 

 

What did she say?

 

 

Don't believe her when she lies right to your face. She's made this mess - she needs consequences. This isn't the time to be easy on her...you want her scared she will lose everything.

 

 

I must disagree with the underlined bit.

 

You do not want her scared. You want her gone.

[Marc878]

All it ****ing took is "wet need to talk, can I please have your phone?".

 

And what am I expected to do with all this crap now?

 

Inform other mans wife immediately. Just because you know doesn't mean it ends.

 

I'd also inform his work. She's a subordinate.

 

Many feel embarrassed up front. This isn't on you or about you. So get that out of your head.

 

Just because you know doesn't mean it'll stop.

 

Then figure out what you want. Better think long term.

 

Sorry you're here.