Wife cheated with her boss

[aliveagain]

I guess it just comes down to what is it that you want. Can you live with the knowledge that what you might be getting back is another man's leftovers? That knowledge was the turning point for me in my first relationship. She never confessed on her own, you caught her, she wasn't ready to be 100% emotionally exclusive with you. Believe little of what she tells you, believe her actions. If she try's to stop you from exposing the affair to the O/M's wife she by protecting him is choosing his feelings over yours. Tell the other man's wife but don't tell your wife you did until after you spoken with the other betrayed spouse.

 

Her affair has nullified the marriage contract you have with her, it's up to you as to the remedy you seek. You can decide to stay in the marriage but amend the agreement to include the necessary penalties to make you feel safe like transparency, permanent N/C with O/M. changing jobs immediately, sign a post nuptial agreement (gives you most of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity), or if you decide that another man having his way with your wife is a deal breaker, divorce her cheating a$$. Do not worry what others think, do what is best for you.

[Buckeye2]

All it ****ing took is "wet need to talk, can I please have your phone?".

 

And what am I expected to do with all this crap now?

 

She came clean with a nudge and no real reluctance. In my experience this means she’s ambivalent to positive about divorce.

[ChrisH81]

I don't know. I just came home, demanded we need to talk and asked for her phone. She for lack of better word collapsed and has been crying and sobbing non stop mostly locked in a spare bedroom ever since. She has admitted being "involved" with him whatever it means.

I have checked the phone and the messages can hardly be misinterpreted the way I read them, but I was not able to confirm that with her.

Haven't checked for anything else as I haven't had much sleep either. Perhaps I'm still in shock.

[Normm]

So much for getting the evidence off her phone. Those messages are gone for sure.

 

Here's what's going to happen. She's not going to deny the affair, she'll admit it (while downplaying it to having sex only once or twice, and she never really liked it and felt really bad about it ) and then start with the whole "You weren't taking care of my needs so I found it elsewhere" or one of the zillion variations on the theme of blaming you for all of it. She'll promise to cut contact with him, end the affair and do whatever you want to make up for the transgression.

 

You want to save the marriage and you will be willing to give her another chance and will probably almost immediately forgive her with no consequences to her actions, and you'll tend to buy into her promises that she won't contact him again.

 

One of the biggest immediate problems is that she works with him on a daily basis. As I said before, your biggest first mistake was confronting her, your next biggest mistake will be letting her continue to work there. For there to be any possibility of reconciliation, there must be complete no contact with the affair partner.

[Normm]

She hasn't come out in a day and a half?

 

 

Where the heck did you get that from?

[40somethingGuy]

I don't know. I just came home, demanded we need to talk and asked for her phone. She for lack of better word collapsed and has been crying and sobbing non stop mostly locked in a spare bedroom ever since. She has admitted being "involved" with him whatever it means.

I have checked the phone and the messages can hardly be misinterpreted the way I read them, but I was not able to confirm that with her.

Haven't checked for anything else as I haven't had much sleep either. Perhaps I'm still in shock.

 

You got her to admit. Now tell HR and his wife. Your wife won't like it but she needs to see you mean business and are not anyone's chump. Make sure to watch the online phone records too. Do not do marriage therapy. Most will blame u for your wife's choices. Most are feminist man hating hags. Did she give up.the phone easily?

[Normm]

You got her to admit. Now tell HR and his wife. Your wife won't like it but she needs to see you mean business and are not anyone's chump. Make sure to watch the online phone records too. Do not do marriage therapy. Most will blame u for your wife's choices. Most are feminist man hating hags. Did she give up.the phone easily?

 

 

If you want to try to save the marriage (I do not recommend this but I can tell that's where you're headed), then yes tell HR and his wife, blow the affair off the map. Your wife will more than "not like it" she will go from crying to anger approaching hatred but you have to face that reality and stay the course. Yes watch the phone records but if she's got half a brain she won't contact him via her cellphone anymore. Yes try to find a qualified therapist who can really assist you- if they blame you or show they are as incompetent as most therapists then find another. Keep going until you find a good one. This cannot be fixed without counseling.

[40somethingGuy]

So much for getting the evidence off her phone. Those messages are gone for sure.

 

Here's what's going to happen. She's not going to deny the affair, she'll admit it (while downplaying it to having sex only once or twice, and she never really liked it and felt really bad about it ) and then start with the whole "You weren't taking care of my needs so I found it elsewhere" or one of the zillion variations on the theme of blaming you for all of it. She'll promise to cut contact with him, end the affair and do whatever you want to make up for the transgression.

 

You want to save the marriage and you will be willing to give her another chance and will probably almost immediately forgive her with no consequences to her actions, and you'll tend to buy into her promises that she won't contact him again.

 

One of the biggest immediate problems is that she works with him on a daily basis. As I said before, your biggest first mistake was confronting her, your next biggest mistake will be letting her continue to work there. For there to be any possibility of reconciliation, there must be complete no contact with the affair partner.

She won't be working with him if he tells HR. Or she may get fired. Either way who cares. The OP needs to go nuclear for his own sake.

[Normm]

From his post today. After his discovery a day and a half ago.

 

 

He found the phone messages a couple of days ago. He hadn't yet confronted her until now. This whole thing just went down when he got home from work.

 

 

She won't be working with him if he tells HR. Or she may get fired. Either way who cares. The OP needs to go nuclear for his own sake.

 

 

True. Problem is if he ultimately decides to go the divorce route and she gets fired he may end up paying her support that he otherwise would not have to.

[40somethingGuy]

He found the phone messages a couple of days ago. He hadn't yet confronted her until now. This whole thing just went down when he got home from work.

 

 

 

 

 

True. Problem is if he ultimately decides to go the divorce route and she gets fired he may end up paying her support that he otherwise would not have to.

 

He is staying. He is just pissed. I still wish I ruined my wife's life when it happened 2 years ago and took my own advice. Thing is 2 years from now OP will still be stewing over this because you cannot un-ring a bell or make his dick not inside his wife once it happened.

[Marc878]

 

True. Problem is if he ultimately decides to go the divorce route and she gets fired he may end up paying her support that he otherwise would not have to.

 

If he has a decent attorney and she's fired for cause (such as an affair with her boss) they may calculate any settlement based on her earning potential.

[40somethingGuy]

He is staying. He is just pissed. I still wish I ruined my wife's life when it happened 2 years ago and took my own advice. Thing is 2 years from now OP will still be stewing over this because you cannot un-ring a bell or make his dick not inside his wife once it happened. Whatever he can do to make her see how she just ruined her family by her actions alone is imperative. The day is coming that the kids find out.

[ChrisH81]

Having hard time processing what you all are saying and correlating with what's happening 2 doors behind me.

 

She's coming out of "her" bedroom for short periods of time only. In her current state there's no chance of any meaningful discussion. She has admitted she was "involved" for whatever **** this means and "sorry" is basically the only word I hear.

 

We have no land line, her phone is on my desk and her laptop is in the study. So I don't think she's contacting him right now.

 

They were talking about him being worried he had sexually underperformed and her response was a bunch of emojies which I interpret like "don't worry it was OK" or something. Also about almost being caught in the office. The rest is mix of work relayed stuff and some mild romantic nonsense I cannot really summarise without extensive quoting.

 

Whatever happens "forgiveness" is off the table. We may save or try to save the marriage, keep living under the sane room but the concept of forgiving my wife for sleeping with someone else is a seriously ****ed one. I can easily forgive a fight over nothing or 6 hours long shopping spree but not this. That's not something I imagine saying "let's out it behind us, never happened".

[Normm]

Thing is 2 years from now OP will still be stewing over this because you cannot un-ring a bell or make his dick not inside his wife once it happened.

 

 

True again. Probably always better to rip off the bandaid now and go find someone who hasn't betrayed you in the worst possible way.

 

 

That's not something I imagine saying "let's out it behind us, never happened".

 

 

Lots of betrayed spouses do just that. Sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened.

Edited October 29, 2018 by Normm

[Marc878]

I don't know. I just came home, demanded we need to talk and asked for her phone. She for lack of better word collapsed and has been crying and sobbing non stop mostly locked in a spare bedroom ever since. She has admitted being "involved" with him whatever it means.

I have checked the phone and the messages can hardly be misinterpreted the way I read them, but I was not able to confirm that with her.

Haven't checked for anything else as I haven't had much sleep either. Perhaps I'm still in shock.

 

You don't need confirmation from her. You know what going on. Waiting and being in any denial right now is not in your best interest. The ones who come out of these situations best get strong and stay there.

 

She is in shock at getting caught. That's all this is. Probably affraid for herself and her other man.

 

Yes, you are still in shock. Make sure you copy all messages and store them safely. Keep digging. Don't give her the phone back.

 

Other man has been contacted and he's covering or trying to cover his tracks. At this time she will side with him and try to protect him as much as possible probably.

 

Exposure is about your only weapon here. Targeted exposer done without warning is best.

 

Be careful and don't remain indecisive too long. That will just keep you in limbo hell longer.

[Normm]

Be prepared to get on the phone tomorrow and tell everybody starting with her HR department.

[Marc878]

Having hard time processing what you all are saying and correlating with what's happening 2 doors behind me.

 

She's coming out of "her" bedroom for short periods of time only. In her current state there's no chance of any meaningful discussion. She has admitted she was "involved" for whatever **** this means and "sorry" is basically the only word I hear.

 

She doesn't or isn't going to say what she's done which is having a sexual affair with her boss

 

We have no land line, her phone is on my desk and her laptop is in the study. So I don't think she's contacting him right now.

 

Keep digging and get all you need now. You won't be able to get anything later.

They were talking about him being worried he had sexually underperformed and her response was a bunch of emojies which I interpret like "don't worry it was OK" or something. Also about almost being caught in the office. The rest is mix of work relayed stuff and some mild romantic nonsense I cannot really summarise without extensive quoting.

 

You got a smoking gun. Most aren't that lucky. All cheaters lie, hide and deny. At least you know. Most will stay in denial wanting to believe it didn't happen

 

Whatever happens "forgiveness" is off the table. We may save or try to save the marriage, keep living under the sane room but the concept of forgiving my wife for sleeping with someone else is a seriously ****ed one. I can easily forgive a fight over nothing or 6 hours long shopping spree but not this. That's not something I imagine saying "let's out it behind us, never happened".

 

Right now you are still in shock, hurt, sickened. Try and think. You need time to figure out a plan and then execute. Easier said than done but the quicker you bring this to a head the better off you'll be. You seem to be thinking of a way to save this. You don't know how this is going to turn out yet. Make no mistake the affair needs to end first. Affairs only thrive in secret and the dark.

 

She or the other man has to leave that job. NO Contact has to be permanent. No exemptions. Unless you go straight to D

 

Don't keep yourself in limbo. She put you where you are but you are the only one that can keep yourself there.

 

Good luck and keep posting

 

You didn't deserve this. No one does. Sorry you're here

[Marc878]

Be prepared to get on the phone tomorrow and tell everybody starting with her HR department.

 

No warning. Don't let your wayward wife know any plans. She will tip him off.

[Normm]

No warning. Don't let your wayward wife know any plans. She will tip him off.

 

 

But of course. There would be no point in him telling her "tomorrow I am calling your workplace".

[40somethingGuy]

Having hard time processing what you all are saying and correlating with what's happening 2 doors behind me.

 

She's coming out of "her" bedroom for short periods of time only. In her current state there's no chance of any meaningful discussion. She has admitted she was "involved" for whatever **** this means and "sorry" is basically the only word I hear.

 

We have no land line, her phone is on my desk and her laptop is in the study. So I don't think she's contacting him right now.

 

They were talking about him being worried he had sexually underperformed and her response was a bunch of emojies which I interpret like "don't worry it was OK" or something. Also about almost being caught in the office. The rest is mix of work relayed stuff and some mild romantic nonsense I cannot really summarise without extensive quoting.

 

Whatever happens "forgiveness" is off the table. We may save or try to save the marriage, keep living under the sane room but the concept of forgiving my wife for sleeping with someone else is a seriously ****ed one. I can easily forgive a fight over nothing or 6 hours long shopping spree but not this. That's not something I imagine saying "let's out it behind us, never happened".

 

If forgiveness is off the table the table then divorce is the only option. Just make sure she knows her actions will affect many more other than yourself, including her family and your kids. You obviously have a gold mine to seriously ruin this guy if they 'almost got caught in the office.' Take a photo of that text. DO NOT PROTECT THE OM. DO NOT GIVE A SH** WHAT HAPPENS AS YOU DID NOTHING AT ALL WRONG. GO NUCLEAR!!!! She knows she is done and you need to step on the throat and expose. To everyone. Yes, I am giving you the advice of what I WISH I DONE 2 years ago. I was in deep shock and somewhat protected her. DONT BE LIKE ME.

 

Tonight my wife was soooo sweet when I came home from work. Hugging me and trying to kiss me. Telling me that she loves me and is grateful for all I do. I was like 'whatever.' Largely due to your story reminding me of what I went through I was dismissive like 'whatever.' Then, I walked away and changed my clothes. 2 years later I regret not exposing everyone. I did pull a gun on the OM and he did call himself my bitch though. I didn't care but I got all the gory details. Anyways, just get the SOB fired, if your wife gets fired she will get another job and then be selfish for you. Find a good woman and launch the betrayer. Trust me, your wife was ready to take this secret to her grave if you didn't blow it up! Treat her like she needs to go to hell and don't make it easy.

Edited October 29, 2018 by 40somethingGuy

[bathtub-row]

I can’t believe she’s hiding behind a bedroom door when she should be talking to you and apologizing profusely. Even if she has no intention of staying with you, she should realize that she has hurt you. But she’s acting like she’s the injured party in all this. That’s completely ridiculous.

 

Look, what you can and can’t forgive is your business and your choice but I really can’t believe how she’s acting right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s communicating with him some way. Her behavior is very bizarre. Don’t you guys have a child? Where’s the child in all this?

[ChrisH81]

So are you saying you've stayed but your relationship is far from being the sane and you ate dismissive and uninterested? That you wish you had pulled the plug.

 

 

If forgiveness is off the table the table then divorce is the only option. Just make sure she knows her actions will affect many more other than yourself, including her family and your kids. You obviously have a gold mine to seriously ruin this guy if they 'almost got caught in the office.' Take a photo of that text. DO NOT PROTECT THE OM. DO NOT GIVE A SH** WHAT HAPPENS AS YOU DID NOTHING AT ALL WRONG. GO NUCLEAR!!!! She knows she is done and you need to step on the throat and expose. To everyone. Yes, I am giving you the advice of what I WISH I DONE 2 years ago. I was in deep shock and somewhat protected her. DONT BE LIKE ME.

 

Tonight my wife was soooo sweet when I came home from work. Hugging me and trying to kiss me. Telling me that she loves me and is grateful for all I do. I was like 'whatever.' Largely due to your story reminding me of what I went through I was dismissive like 'whatever.' Then, I walked away and changed my clothes. 2 years later I regret not exposing everyone. I did pull a gun on the OM and he did call himself my bitch though. I didn't care but I got all the gory details. Anyways, just get the SOB fired, if your wife gets fired she will get another job and then be selfish for you. Find a good woman and launch the betrayer. Trust me, your wife was ready to take this secret to her grave if you didn't blow it up! Treat her like she needs to go to hell and don't make it easy.

[Marc878]

I can’t believe she’s hiding behind a bedroom door when she should be talking to you and apologizing profusely. Even if she has no intention of staying with you, she should realize that she has hurt you. But she’s acting like she’s the injured party in all this. That’s completely ridiculous.

 

Look, what you can and can’t forgive is your business and your choice but I really can’t believe how she’s acting right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s communicating with him some way. Her behavior is very bizarre. Don’t you guys have a child? Where’s the child in all this?

 

It's all about her. Pretty normal if you are unremorseful. He wasn't supposed to find out. Now he's screwed up her other life and she's mourning the loss.

[ChrisH81]

I can’t believe she’s hiding behind a bedroom door when she should be talking to you and apologizing profusely. Even if she has no intention of staying with you, she should realize that she has hurt you. But she’s acting like she’s the injured party in all this. That’s completely ridiculous.

 

Look, what you can and can’t forgive is your business and your choice but I really can’t believe how she’s acting right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s communicating with him some way. Her behavior is very bizarre. Don’t you guys have a child? Where’s the child in all this?

 

We have son. He's scared as hell and I'm mostly taking care. She comes out to spend time but he gets more traumatized seeing her in a state she is.

 

She is apologising when she can and I don't think in a state she is she's talking to him, but what you seem to be right about is that feels like all about her, while I'm sitting here juggling things around and facing the cluster****.

 

I'm not seeing any forgiveness unless I'm certain she didn't sleep with him, but she did.

[Marc878]

We have son. He's scared as hell and I'm mostly taking care. She comes out to spend time but he gets more traumatized seeing her in a state she is.

 

She is apologising when she can and I don't think in a state she is she's talking to him, but what you seem to be right about is that feels like all about her, while I'm sitting here juggling things around and facing the cluster****.

 

I'm not seeing any forgiveness unless I'm certain she didn't sleep with him, but she did.

 

Bud, you know what you read in their emails. Slipping into denial with the hope that it really didn't happen isn't going to help you. I'm sure you'll get denial from her or some such nonsense as he couldn't perform, we didn't finish, we stopped, blah, blah, blah. She was a willing accomplice who made herself available. Not much else really matters. From your posts it happened more than once. Even screwing in their office at work.

 

This is a lifelong gift she's given you. At this time you seem to be looking for an excuse. There isn't one.

 

There is no magic fix, it's not going to just go away. You are going to have to deal with it. Rugsweep at your peril !!!!!