bathtub-row Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 Dang! I’m just so sorry for you that this has happened. Maybe with time the two of you can salvage things but it’s going to take a lot of time. I know a lot of people say you can never trust again and all that but sometimes when a person sees what they’ve done, the pain they’ve caused, and what they nearly lost, it can be a wake-up call for them. While you shouldn’t be too quick to forgive, maybe your marriage can get past this very large hurdle if she handles things the right way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChrisH81 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 Dang! I’m just so sorry for you that this has happened. Maybe with time the two of you can salvage things but it’s going to take a lot of time. I know a lot of people say you can never trust again and all that but sometimes when a person sees what they’ve done, the pain they’ve caused, and what they nearly lost, it can be a wake-up call for them. While you shouldn’t be too quick to forgive, maybe your marriage can get past this very large hurdle if she handles things the right way. Thank you very much. Seriously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 To everyone else - I'm not ignoring the advice, it just my processing queue is overloaded. I need to create a checklist and follow it, otherwise I'll get drowned. Good idea. - I do have copies of the texts. - Son is with someone else, the place he loves staying. - I managed to have a 1st more or less meaningful albeit brief chat. The problem is that even when she says what I want to hear and want many of you are suggesting, I simply don't believe it - huge shock for both of us. Shes in self preservation mode. Cheaters lie a lot and you will not getbthe truth upfront. - she denies sex (really?) - she's not planning to come back to work (OK but is this because she realised how did she ****ed my life or because of the fallout? ) - she never intended to abandon the marriage and "desperately wants to work things out" (then why cheat in the 1st place? ) Schedule a polygraph. It's funny how most when caught give out the "I never intended to leave" speech after they destroy the marriage. Very typical. I'm sorry man but your wayward wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special except it's happening to you. They all follow the basic cheater script. That's all you're getting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChrisH81 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 Regarding the last point, and this is really no comfort, but I think many women struggle with monogamy. Men too. After time, things normalize and life takes over. A chance to sleep with another person can be exciting to a person. They may get bored with the same person who is predictable. A new person brings out excitement. It is just they can't get caught. One thing my wife admitted is that she planned to 'take this to the grave.' That scared me to think her conscience wouldn't kill her. Before I found out, I do remember at church seeing her tear up. She blamed allergies but they were tears rolling. Later told me that she was feeling guilty and asked God not to let me find out because she knew it would devastate me. I found out the next day! So much for those prayers being answered! Also, if she denies sex what does she admit to? Of course, it will be very watered down. If what you saying is the case I'd better stay single. I can understand someone having an urge or fantasy but not acting on it. If I find out my wife offered sex but it was denied (not that I'm buying it didn't hapoen) for me it will be the same or even worse. Because she couldn't claim she was weak, didn't know what she's doubt, couldn't say no. She admits to having the connection that was way too personal, inappropriate talks (like discussing his sexual issues, she claims it was not about sex wit HER) and some intimate physical contact like hugging and cheek kissing (when apparently they almost got caught). Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChrisH81 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 Schedule a polygraph. It's funny how most when caught give out the "I never intended to leave" speech after they destroy the marriage. Very typical. I'm sorry man but your wayward wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special except it's happening to you. They all follow the basic cheater script. That's all you're getting. Are you serious or sarcastic? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 Dang! I’m just so sorry for you that this has happened. Maybe with time the two of you can salvage things but it’s going to take a lot of time. I know a lot of people say you can never trust again and all that but sometimes when a person sees what they’ve done, the pain they’ve caused, and what they nearly lost, it can be a wake-up call for them. While you shouldn’t be too quick to forgive, maybe your marriage can get past this very large hurdle if she handles things the right way. Unfortunately she is going to try and rugsweep this with trickle truth, etc. Which will just cause even more damage. She'll want to keep her and other mans deep dark secrets hidden. Chris will have to drive this. She won't give up a thing unless she has to. Her actions, the evidence, says this was a physical affair. The truth fixes a lot of things but getting it will not be easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 If I find out my wife offered sex but it was denied (not that I'm buying it didn't hapoen) for me it will be the same or even worse. Because she couldn't claim she was weak, didn't know what she's doubt, couldn't say no. Whether or not he performed up to her standards or not doesn't change the fact that they were voluntarily in bed together with no clothes on and attempting to consumate the act. She admits to having the connection that was way too personal, inappropriate talks (like discussing his sexual issues, she claims it was not about sex wit HER) and some intimate physical contact like hugging and cheek kissing (when apparently they almost got caught). Yes of course she admits to everything nonsexual. It's called "trickle truthing". She's had over a day to figure out how to give you a snow job and you're buying right into it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 Are you serious or sarcastic? Serious. If you read enough you'll see it too. Go to the infidelity section and go through a few threads. You'll see what I'm talking about. It's the same basic pattern over and over. They may not be exact but pretty close. Unfortunately it's the reality of where you're at. This isn't a special complicated case. Sorry but you need the truth of where you're at so you can better deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 If what you saying is the case I'd better stay single. I can understand someone having an urge or fantasy but not acting on it. If I find out my wife offered sex but it was denied (not that I'm buying it didn't hapoen) for me it will be the same or even worse. Because she couldn't claim she was weak, didn't know what she's doubt, couldn't say no. She admits to having the connection that was way too personal, inappropriate talks (like discussing his sexual issues, she claims it was not about sex wit HER) and some intimate physical contact like hugging and cheek kissing (when apparently they almost got caught). Her story doesn't line up with the emails do they? Most betrayed spouses in your spot want to believe. It's unfathomable that the wife we though we knew could cheat. But sadly they do. The biggest mistakes are: Staying in denial of what's happened. Trying to help hide the affair. Not informing the other betrayed spouse (you may get more info here). Letting the wayward control the situation. Being affraid and becoming indecisive which keeps you in limbo. Seeing them for who you want them to be versus who they are. Accepting lies and trickle truths. Rugsweeping and regretting it later on. Not establishing immediate no contact with the AP. In order to have a successful R you need the truth and a remourseful spouse (upfront it's just regret at being caught) You will get good advice. Whether you follow it or not is up to you. The Calvary isn't coming it's all on you. Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 No reason to believe it. Stay the course. Cheaters lie. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. It's almost like if they say it didn't happen they can almost believe it never happened. Once it's acknowledged, it's a real thing, it's out there, and it can't be put back in its cage. Great, if you're looking to reconcile. That's how it has to be. Why do people drink even though they might be in bed with a serious hangover the next day? Why do people speed down the highway even though "speed kills"?. Why do people engage in risky behavior in the first place? Because they either don't think it through or they don't think they'll get caught. That wasn't in the texts? You know it didn't happen because the OM told you it didn't happen. Which means, it happened. No man declines an offered BJ. I found it hard to believe but I saw texts indicating nothing happened because of him. He volunteered that she offered a bj but he declined because he decided he didn't want an extra marital affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 Remember the Superbowl before the last one when the Patriots were getting their butts kicked? They went into the locker room at halftime and reworked their strategy, determined their opponents weakness as well as their own vulnerabilities. They came out of that locker room and kicked a$$ for 2 more quarters and won the game in a stunning turnaround that shocked the nation. You had several advantages going into half time. You knew about the affair, you had evidence, your wife didn't know that you knew, and you had the support of experienced forum members that have been through this exact scenario and were and still are coaching you, in REAL TIME. You chose to ignore most of the advice that said "continue to gather evidence, and work on your strategy and do not approach her with what you know". You not only confronted, but after you did, you backed off. You let your wife work on her strategy for over 24 hours. She's your worst adversary right now and she has all the advantage because you're giving it to her. You will always be one step behind unless you take control of this situation. The longer you wait the worse off you will be. Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 If what you saying is the case I'd better stay single. I can understand someone having an urge or fantasy but not acting on it. If I find out my wife offered sex but it was denied (not that I'm buying it didn't hapoen) for me it will be the same or even worse. Because she couldn't claim she was weak, didn't know what she's doubt, couldn't say no. She admits to having the connection that was way too personal, inappropriate talks (like discussing his sexual issues, she claims it was not about sex wit HER) and some intimate physical contact like hugging and cheek kissing (when apparently they almost got caught). If the truth was on her side and she got too close but had boundaries then why would she barricade herself behind a locked door bawling and saying sorry? She would confront this head on and do all she can to explain what did and did not happen. She is acting as expected which is busted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChrisH81 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 Serious. If you read enough you'll see it too. Go to the infidelity section and go through a few threads. You'll see what I'm talking about. It's the same basic pattern over and over. They may not be exact but pretty close. Unfortunately it's the reality of where you're at. This isn't a special complicated case. Sorry but you need the truth of where you're at so you can better deal with it. OK, thanks, I'll read about the polygraph. Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 If the truth was on her side and she got too close but had boundaries then why would she barricade herself behind a locked door bawling and saying sorry? She would confront this head on and do all she can to explain what did and did not happen. She is acting as expected which is busted. I did not say ALL women but thus is an unspoken truth with many. The allure of variety is enticing vs the man who loves and pits up with you. Their conclusion...get both but don't get caught. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 OK, thanks, I'll read about the polygraph. You know the truth. A lot get a parking lot confession just before. They stall hoping you won't go through with it until the last minute. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 Although it doesn't seem like it now you'll get through this. If you get strong and stay there it'll be a lot easier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChrisH81 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 If the truth was on her side and she got too close but had boundaries then why would she barricade herself behind a locked door bawling and saying sorry? She would confront this head on and do all she can to explain what did and did not happen. She is acting as expected which is busted. That's why I'm not buying the "only hugged" story. If she's trying to say she didn't cheat - definitely schedule the polygraph! She needs to know for sure you're not taking her crappy lies and that you want the truth!!! She's not saying she didn't cheat. She's saying she cheated but not that bad as full blown affair. I made it very clear even what she is admitting to is bad enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 (edited) She's saying she cheated but not that bad as full blown affair. No such thing as a partial affair. It happened. The amount and degree of sex isn't the issue, although it might be a bit easier to live with it if you believe his penis never entered any part of her body because he "couldn't perform". I made it very clear even what she is admitting to is bad enough. Say less. Listen more. You can always act later. Edited October 30, 2018 by Normm Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 That's why I'm not buying the "only hugged" story. She's not saying she didn't cheat. She's saying she cheated but not that bad as full blown affair. I made it very clear even what she is admitting to is bad enough. Trickle truth. Admitting to a lesser crime to try and get a plea bargain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChrisH81 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Share Posted October 31, 2018 I understand what (most of) you are suggesting. I'm expected to explode with actions. Ordering poly, notifying HR, retaining a lawyer, the list goes on. I have asked myself why am I not reacting the way you sort of expect. And the answer is that I feel that if I do that (except the lawyer, which I'm getting) I will be fitting for the marriage I didn't ruin. It us her job if she wants to "make it up" as she told me. This is even more humiliating if I have to drive all of that, isn't it. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 No, you drive yourself out of infidelity. By your actions. You'll get clarity with time. You're still shaken by what's happened. Normal. You will get through it. You are doing better than a lot I've seen. Most here are concerned because of the pitfalls we've seen others make. You are the one going through this. Think before acting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 It is so frustrating (not you, her)... they all want to take the chance of the entire thing not coming out, so they lie and minimize. And when the proof is there, they still lie. They take a very small chance that the truth wont come out and that someway you will actually believe it vs just owning up to it... which actually helps save the marriage they have destroyed. But when they can lie in the face of evidence, it makes it impossible to ever believe them again. It's hard to implement the advice given in this thread when all you want to do is go back to when your life wasnt turned upside down. You will get there, but it may be too late to save your marriage. Unfortunately, if she was really serious, she would sit you down and explain every single detail to you. And do what she could to back up her stories (showing you texts, emails, and even helping to recover those she deleted). That never happens, btw... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChrisH81 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Share Posted October 31, 2018 No such thing as a partial affair. It happened. The amount and degree of sex isn't the issue, although it might be a bit easier to live with it if you believe his penis never entered any part of her body because he "couldn't perform". Say less. Listen more. You can always act later. Noted. You are right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChrisH81 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Share Posted October 31, 2018 It is so frustrating (not you, her)... they all want to take the chance of the entire thing not coming out, so they lie and minimize. And when the proof is there, they still lie. They take a very small chance that the truth wont come out and that someway you will actually believe it vs just owning up to it... which actually helps save the marriage they have destroyed. But when they can lie in the face of evidence, it makes it impossible to ever believe them again. It's hard to implement the advice given in this thread when all you want to do is go back to when your life wasnt turned upside down. You will get there, but it may be too late to save your marriage. Unfortunately, if she was really serious, she would sit you down and explain every single detail to you. And do what she could to back up her stories (showing you texts, emails, and even helping to recover those she deleted). That never happens, btw... I agree with the 1st paragraph. I'm ashamed to admit that the 2nd one is close to how I feel now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 If it were me I'd look her in the eye and tell her. I'll not live with lies in my life. You're only chance at this time is the full truth. However, there are no guarantees. Link to post Share on other sites
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