Wife cheated with her boss

[40somethingGuy]

If what you saying is the case I'd better stay single. I can understand someone having an urge or fantasy but not acting on it.

 

If I find out my wife offered sex but it was denied (not that I'm buying it didn't hapoen) for me it will be the same or even worse. Because she couldn't claim she was weak, didn't know what she's doubt, couldn't say no.

 

She admits to having the connection that was way too personal, inappropriate talks (like discussing his sexual issues, she claims it was not about sex wit HER) and some intimate physical contact like hugging and cheek kissing (when apparently they almost got caught).

If the truth was on her side and she got too close but had boundaries then why would she barricade herself behind a locked door bawling and saying sorry? She would confront this head on and do all she can to explain what did and did not happen. She is acting as expected which is busted.

[ChrisH81]

Serious.

 

If you read enough you'll see it too. Go to the infidelity section and go through a few threads. You'll see what I'm talking about. It's the same basic pattern over and over. They may not be exact but pretty close.

 

Unfortunately it's the reality of where you're at.

 

This isn't a special complicated case.

 

Sorry but you need the truth of where you're at so you can better deal with it.

 

OK, thanks, I'll read about the polygraph.

[40somethingGuy]

If the truth was on her side and she got too close but had boundaries then why would she barricade herself behind a locked door bawling and saying sorry? She would confront this head on and do all she can to explain what did and did not happen. She is acting as expected which is busted.

 

I did not say ALL women but thus is an unspoken truth with many. The allure of variety is enticing vs the man who loves and pits up with you. Their conclusion...get both but don't get caught.

[S2B]

If she's trying to say she didn't cheat - definitely schedule the polygraph!

 

She needs to know for sure you're not taking her crappy lies and that you want the truth!!!

[Marc878]

OK, thanks, I'll read about the polygraph.

 

You know the truth. A lot get a parking lot confession just before. They stall hoping you won't go through with it until the last minute.

 

Take care

[Marc878]

Although it doesn't seem like it now you'll get through this.

 

If you get strong and stay there it'll be a lot easier.

[ChrisH81]

If the truth was on her side and she got too close but had boundaries then why would she barricade herself behind a locked door bawling and saying sorry? She would confront this head on and do all she can to explain what did and did not happen. She is acting as expected which is busted.

 

That's why I'm not buying the "only hugged" story.

 

If she's trying to say she didn't cheat - definitely schedule the polygraph!

 

She needs to know for sure you're not taking her crappy lies and that you want the truth!!!

 

She's not saying she didn't cheat. She's saying she cheated but not that bad as full blown affair.

 

I made it very clear even what she is admitting to is bad enough.

[Normm]

She's saying she cheated but not that bad as full blown affair.

 

No such thing as a partial affair. It happened. The amount and degree of sex isn't the issue, although it might be a bit easier to live with it if you believe his penis never entered any part of her body because he "couldn't perform".

 

 

 

I made it very clear even what she is admitting to is bad enough.

 

 

Say less. Listen more. You can always act later.

Edited October 30, 2018 by Normm

[S2B]

That's why I'm not buying the "only hugged" story.

 

 

 

She's not saying she didn't cheat. She's saying she cheated but not that bad as full blown affair.

 

I made it very clear even what she is admitting to is bad enough.

 

That might be actually funny IF it wasn't so tragic!

 

 

She's a bold faced liar.

[Marc878]

That's why I'm not buying the "only hugged" story.

 

 

 

She's not saying she didn't cheat. She's saying she cheated but not that bad as full blown affair.

 

I made it very clear even what she is admitting to is bad enough.

 

Trickle truth. Admitting to a lesser crime to try and get a plea bargain.

[S2B]

Since she isn't willing to offer you all the truth - order the poly.

 

That way she knows you expect to get to know what's real.

[ChrisH81]

I understand what (most of) you are suggesting. I'm expected to explode with actions. Ordering poly, notifying HR, retaining a lawyer, the list goes on.

 

I have asked myself why am I not reacting the way you sort of expect.

And the answer is that I feel that if I do that (except the lawyer, which I'm getting) I will be fitting for the marriage I didn't ruin. It us her job if she wants to "make it up" as she told me.

This is even more humiliating if I have to drive all of that, isn't it.

[Marc878]

No, you drive yourself out of infidelity. By your actions.

 

You'll get clarity with time.

 

You're still shaken by what's happened. Normal.

 

You will get through it. You are doing better than a lot I've seen.

 

Most here are concerned because of the pitfalls we've seen others make.

 

You are the one going through this. Think before acting.

[Starswillshine]

It is so frustrating (not you, her)... they all want to take the chance of the entire thing not coming out, so they lie and minimize. And when the proof is there, they still lie. They take a very small chance that the truth wont come out and that someway you will actually believe it vs just owning up to it... which actually helps save the marriage they have destroyed. But when they can lie in the face of evidence, it makes it impossible to ever believe them again.

 

It's hard to implement the advice given in this thread when all you want to do is go back to when your life wasnt turned upside down. You will get there, but it may be too late to save your marriage. Unfortunately, if she was really serious, she would sit you down and explain every single detail to you. And do what she could to back up her stories (showing you texts, emails, and even helping to recover those she deleted). That never happens, btw...

[ChrisH81]

No such thing as a partial affair. It happened. The amount and degree of sex isn't the issue, although it might be a bit easier to live with it if you believe his penis never entered any part of her body because he "couldn't perform".

 

Say less. Listen more. You can always act later.

 

Noted. You are right.

[ChrisH81]

It is so frustrating (not you, her)... they all want to take the chance of the entire thing not coming out, so they lie and minimize. And when the proof is there, they still lie. They take a very small chance that the truth wont come out and that someway you will actually believe it vs just owning up to it... which actually helps save the marriage they have destroyed. But when they can lie in the face of evidence, it makes it impossible to ever believe them again.

 

It's hard to implement the advice given in this thread when all you want to do is go back to when your life wasnt turned upside down. You will get there, but it may be too late to save your marriage. Unfortunately, if she was really serious, she would sit you down and explain every single detail to you. And do what she could to back up her stories (showing you texts, emails, and even helping to recover those she deleted). That never happens, btw...

 

I agree with the 1st paragraph.

 

I'm ashamed to admit that the 2nd one is close to how I feel now. 3

[S2B]

Intention is everything.

 

She intentionally betrayed you.

 

She intentionally was involved with her OM.

 

And now she's using you as a backup plan!

 

All of her thoughts and actions were ruining your marriage. How does she propose to repair the damage she's caused?

[Marc878]

If it were me I'd look her in the eye and tell her. I'll not live with lies in my life.

 

You're only chance at this time is the full truth. However, there are no guarantees.

[aliveagain]

I understand what (most of) you are suggesting. I'm expected to explode with actions. Ordering poly, notifying HR, retaining a lawyer, the list goes on.

 

I have asked myself why am I not reacting the way you sort of expect.

And the answer is that I feel that if I do that (except the lawyer, which I'm getting) I will be fitting for the marriage I didn't ruin. It us her job if she wants to "make it up" as she told me.

This is even more humiliating if I have to drive all of that, isn't it.

 

The onus is on her to prove to your satisfaction that nothing more happened, not the other way around. You have more then enough information based on her actions to date to kick her out of your life if that is what you want. If she is telling you the truth you would think that she would do anything to prove what she is telling you is the truth, I would jump at the opportunity to take a polygraph if I was in her position because right now she is guilty as hell. Had you not confronted her guess what she would still be doing with her affair partner at the office tomorrow. The one that cheats is the one that is the least invested in the marriage.

[Normm]

It us her job if she wants to "make it up" as she told me.

This is even more humiliating if I have to drive all of that, isn't it.

 

 

You need to do what is required to break your wife out of what is commonly referred to as the "affair fog" so she can realistically look back on the carnage she has caused by her impulsive, deceptive, reckless and selfish actions. At the moment she isn't capable of doing that.

 

 

 

Only then can the two of you attempt to repair the damage together - at which point the burden will be on her. For the rest of your time together whether it's 2 weeks or 20 years.

[S2B]

Why did she think it was ok to betray you if she wanted to stay married to you?

 

Did she think you were such a pushover it didn't matter that she betrayed you?

 

 

And yes, SHE should be doing 200% of the work to repair the damage she caused. You should be capable of sitting back and watching her EFFORTS to change everything! IF she is willing to address her infidelity...

 

She should be offering all of her truth to you - so you can both establish what it is you're dealing with and know that there's a plan in effect to repair the damage.

 

Anything less - she's not doing her part to fix the marriage.

Edited October 31, 2018 by S2B

[S2B]

How's your day been today Chris?

[Simple Logic]

I disagree. If a company is large, professional, competitive, it has such ethics rules in place. It doesn’t require harassment complaints at all...just a (even relatively loose) seniority difference, or ability to influence over ones career.

 

Think of a company that hosts yearly performance rankings where employees at each level are laddered. Pay raises, bonuses, opportunities are based on that ranking. Someone in a more senior role cannot be in a relationship with someone in a more junior role without completely disclosing it to the company, and formally removing themselves from such performance processes.

 

I would suspect a law firm would especially be held to these standards given the potential for legal action if another employee felt the opportunities they were given were limited because of this relationship. Doesn’t have to be the case for it to be an issue, so most companies just draw a simple line in the sand that they expect you to follow.

 

The purpose of blowing it up with HR is also not to just ruin lives. It’s to expose the affair full on in public. It brings the WS to the realization of what they have done. It takes them from a position of control (in their eyes) and puts them into a position where they realize they do not control the situation any longer. This is the first step in seeing the harm they did, because they see themselves through other’s eyes. They see the shame for the first time because it’s not a secret any more. It really is the only first step to a true remorse and in turn, a true reconciliation.

 

Wow, you are out of touch with the real world.

 

Real story. Charlie is the Chief Finincial Officer for XX corporation and Amy is a general secretary. Marvin the CEO walks in to observe Charlie banging Amy on his desk. The whole thing was consensual. Charlie worked another 10 years and now is enjoying his retirement and Amy was out looking for a job unheard from again.

 

Paralegals are more expendable than law partners.

Edited November 1, 2018 by Simple Logic

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I would think the fight is over as far as the OP is concerned. He wants status quo to be retained and he will swallow a lot of things to ensure that happens. He is going to reconcile no matter what. I think he has all the facts he needs and then some. If he wanted to be proactive he would have done something by now. However that is not his intention and so I guess it doesn't matter what additional advice is rendered to him. It will be mostly water on duck's back. He will only respond positively to posts that gel with him and satisfy his inner desire to have things back to the old normal that he knew and liked.

 

I say this with a bit of reluctance but the fact is that I have not seen any thing to indicate that the OP is unduly upset or worked up about the obvious and blatant act of infidelity by his wife and the complete disrespect that she has shown him. Infidelity is not a deal breaker for him. It is something that he can take in his stride. People have given him excellent advice but he has tended to either ignore it or shrug it off as something that does not really apply to him. In such a case one can only wish him the very best as he deals with his wife's infidelity in whatever way he can.

[PegNosePete]

I have asked myself why am I not reacting the way you sort of expect.

Actually you are reacting exactly like most of us expect. You are doing exactly what most guys in your situation do. Exactly what many of us posters did.

 

We had people giving us the exact same advice we're giving you, and we regret not following it. We are passing this experience on to you in the hope that some will stick. Maybe some day you will be here, giving the same advice to guys in the same situation you were in, watching as they drive their train right into a wreck...

 

The poly is a good idea. You don't need to investigate how to get one done at first. Just tell her that because she's lied so much over the last few months, you need to know what the truth is so you're going to order a poly for her. Just the threat of it might provoke a confession on the spot. It might not of course, in which case you can look into it and schedule one, but remember as mentioned parking lot confessions are very common. Just saying you've got a poly scheduled and driving her to an office-like building may be enough. Bit of a gamble, though.

 

Another tactic would be to simply tell her that you have proof of everything she's done and if she doesn't confess everything then you are going to file for divorce tomorrow. She will probably demand what proof but don't tell her, just say that's irrelevant. She may confess a little more (trickle truth). You have to stay strong and tell her that you KNOW there is more and she needs to confess EVERYTHING. And if she doesn't, then you need to follow through and file tomorrow. Remember that a divorce can be cancelled at any time before it is final, so if she does confesses the day after or next week then you can just cancel it.