Wife cheated with her boss

[Starswillshine]

Hi Folks, I would think the fight is over as far as the OP is concerned. He wants status quo to be retained and he will swallow a lot of things to ensure that happens. He is going to reconcile no matter what. I think he has all the facts he needs and then some. If he wanted to be proactive he would have done something by now. However that is not his intention and so I guess it doesn't matter what additional advice is rendered to him. It will be mostly water on duck's back. He will only respond positively to posts that gel with him and satisfy his inner desire to have things back to the old normal that he knew and liked.

 

I say this with a bit of reluctance but the fact is that I have not seen any thing to indicate that the OP is unduly upset or worked up about the obvious and blatant act of infidelity by his wife and the complete disrespect that she has shown him. Infidelity is not a deal breaker for him. It is something that he can take in his stride. People have given him excellent advice but he has tended to either ignore it or shrug it off as something that does not really apply to him. In such a case one can only wish him the very best as he deals with his wife's infidelity in whatever way he can.

 

I find this post to be quite judgemental. This isnt a case where this man walked into a situation completely aware of the situation (aka, he isnt an OM). This is his wife who he promised to love and cherish. Who he committed to. Finding out about an affair is devastating and soul crushing. Sometimes, it takes a long time for the heart to catch up with the brain. He is going through enough and doesnt really need judgement.

 

Maybe I read this wrong. Maybe it is my own insecurity projecting here. I felt everyone looked at me like I was weak, and i didnt need to have their judgements when i did nothing wrong. My head finally did catch up. But it takes time.

[Normm]

Hi Folks, I would think the fight is over as far as the OP is concerned. He wants status quo to be retained and he will swallow a lot of things to ensure that happens. He is going to reconcile no matter what. I think he has all the facts he needs and then some. If he wanted to be proactive he would have done something by now.

 

 

The poor guy just found out within the past few days that the woman he loves has betrayed him. He's in shock. Some people take time to process what might be the biggest trauma they'll experience in their lifetime and might need a minute to figure out what their next steps are going to be, each one having ramfications that will affect him one way or another for the rest of his natural life.

 

 

Please accept my apologies that Chris isn't moving fast enough to satisfy you and I hope that ultimately he, and other posters going through their own personal crisis ultimately make decisions that meet your seal of approval.

[WilyWill]

She's lying through her teeth. She's had sex with him multiple times but was unable to last time because he couldn't maintain an erection or was too tired, etc. Because he's her boss, it's likely that she's done sexual things for him that she never did with you--possibly things that she told you she was never interested in.

 

Sit her down and explain to her that her dishonesty is a continued sign of disrespect. Lead her to believe that if she's honest with you, finally showing your some respect, there is a chance to save the marriage. Tell her this is her last chance to come clean about when they started having sex, and how many times they've had sex. Record the entire conversation on your phone so that she cannot deny it at some future date.

 

Once you have all this information, inform the other man's wife with no warning to your own wife. He will likely dump your wife immediately. Also tell the other wife that you're preparing a claim of sexual harassment against him and the firm. Do this just to make him shlt his pants a little more.

 

Hide a voice-activated recorder in her car so that you can capture the content of conversations she's having with him or with trusted confidantes.

 

Inform her family as well. Do a paternity DNA test on your child, with your wife witnessing the process, to determine if he is really yours. Even if you're 100% sure he's yours, you do this process in front of her just to get her to rock bottom. It's only from rock bottom that things can be salvaged.

 

You've been horribly mistreated. Play this coldly and ruthlessly to get exactly what you want out of it, while never becoming violent or irrational. After all the shattered pieces are lying on the ground, you can make a decision about what can be glued back together, if anything. Take as long as you need in making this decision.

[ChrisH81]

Look, I think all sort of advice, even the harsh one.

Perhaps I am not composed and determined as I need to be. It is what it is, that's not the **** they train you for in military or workplace.

 

If I'm to summarize the progress (or lack of it).

 

We are talking. She is explaining how she ended up infatuated with this guy and allowing herself to have long personal talks with him, lunches and meetings outside of the business context, some physical contact (more than she confessed to initially), although discussing matters of sex online clearly happens. Still insists no sex... you don't have to remind me to be sceptical, I am.

 

She resigned. She told me this came as no surprise to them, no exit interviews, no notice period, etc. I guess we all know what it means. In other words she resigned on her own (I didn't have to ask I give her that) but its likely because the secret I'd out, not because this is in the "cheated wife wanting to get her husband back" run sheet.

 

And - what pisses me off on top of everything - ****ing bastard managed to play it like she was chasing him. I don't get how anyone but a schoolgirl can fall for that. I tried to meet him in person to let my anger out but it looks like he's hard to get hold off. Should I hire him as my divorce lawyer perhaps?

 

Speaking of lawyers. I had a phone conf with the lawyer and this was... uneventful. Very routine. Interestingly enough when I mentioned the lawyer (not deliberately to let her know, more like a matter of fact), this sent her back to the sobbing mess state. Which for the 1st tone didn't make me feel so sorry for her. I don't like her tears but at the sane time, do I have any other choice really?

 

End of brain dump.

[Marc878]

It's a small firm so everyone probably knew what was going on. Talking to him gets you nothing. Waste of your time. You should inform his wife.

 

No sex? From what you posted. Not a chance.

[ChrisH81]

It's a small firm so everyone probably knew what was going on. Talking to him gets you nothing. Waste of your time. You should inform his wife.

 

No sex? From what you posted. Not a chance.

 

I didn't want any talk TBH.

 

If I'd be trusting her the way I used to, I'd probably buy that story. But I don't. Chicken and egg problem.

 

After all she's admitting sitting on his laps. Which is disgusting enough. What else falls from this tree as I keep shaking it?

Going Bill Clinton!

[aliveagain]

Tell his wife, see what she thinks about their affair. Regardless of what his partners think, you can always file a complaint with the Law Society. Ask your lawyer about an action against his firm, he abused his position and his trust, he put his firm in jeopardy. I deal with lawyers in Delaware all the time, they take that sh*t seriously.

[bathtub-row]

Despite everything, it seems that your wife wants to save the marriage. I guess I’d try to get to the bottom of why she chose to act on her attraction to that guy. I say that because usually when a person takes the steps she did, they’re done with their marriage. I’m curious if that’s what she was thinking, or if she was just toying with a flirtation.

 

For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think your wife wants your marriage to end. If she did, her reaction at you finding out probably would’ve been different - as in her being glad you found out so that she could walk away.

 

If I were you, I’d forget about all the sleuthing and deal with this with her. If you’re really at a point where you can’t forgive her, then separate if that’s possible. While I wouldn’t be too quick to forgive, I wouldn’t be too quick to throw it all away either.

[ChrisH81]

Tell his wife, see what she thinks about their affair. Regardless of what his partners think, you can always file a complaint with the Law Society. Ask your lawyer about an action against his firm, he abused his position and his trust, he put his firm in jeopardy. I deal with lawyers in Delaware all the time, they take that sh*t seriously.

 

I trust what you are saying is doable, but it feels like I'll be going there crying "mommy Johnny broke my Lego castle".

I'd rather be dealing with this myself, at least for now.

[Marc878]

Despite everything, it seems that your wife wants to save the marriage. I guess I’d try to get to the bottom of why she chose to act on her attraction to that guy. I say that because usually when a person takes the steps she did, they’re done with their marriage. I’m curious if that’s what she was thinking, or if she was just toying with a flirtation.

 

Nope, she's trying to trickle truth and rugsweep. She wants the marriage right now on her terms.

 

For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think your wife wants your marriage to end. If she did, her reaction at you finding out probably would’ve been different - as in her being glad you found out so that she could walk away.

 

Most cake eaters don't. She had her fling and now wants him to just get over it. That's great if you aren't on the receiving end.

 

If I were you, I’d forget about all the sleuthing and deal with this with her. If you’re really at a point where you can’t forgive her, then separate if that’s possible. While I wouldn’t be too quick to forgive, I wouldn’t be too quick to throw it all away either.

 

Living with lies long term never works out well. An affair may destroy a marriage but the lies after will destroy it.

 

She owes him the truth.

[Marc878]

I trust what you are saying is doable, but it feels like I'll be going there crying "mommy Johnny broke my Lego castle".

I'd rather be dealing with this myself, at least for now.

 

Affairs should have consequences. If you were his wife wouldn't you want to know?

[ChrisH81]

Despite everything, it seems that your wife wants to save the marriage. I guess I’d try to get to the bottom of why she chose to act on her attraction to that guy. I say that because usually when a person takes the steps she did, they’re done with their marriage. I’m curious if that’s what she was thinking, or if she was just toying with a flirtation. .

 

and that's exactly where my thoughts are. If you (I mean her) is not done and dusted why? Was there a point she was like "OK, this is way too far, roll back, Chris would never forgive that ". If she did everything she confessed to, why trying so hard to stay married (to me )?

 

 

For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think your wife wants your marriage to end. If she did, her reaction at you finding out probably would’ve been different - as in her being glad you found out so that she could walk away.

 

If I were you, I’d forget about all the sleuthing and deal with this with her. If you’re really at a point where you can’t forgive her, then separate if that’s possible. While I wouldn’t be too quick to forgive, I wouldn’t be too quick to throw it all away either.

 

Again very true and she keeps telling me she wants to keep the marriage, that "we will get over this". That's nice but where is the confidence there is still "us" coming from?

 

In other words since she's been saying these magic words, am I ought to forgive? Like if she looses her car keys and I nee to drop an important meeting to help, I'm expected to forgive, right? She tells she would do "whatever", what is that "whatever" should I ask? Paint her hairs green?

 

Sorry for the outburst, it is just what you've said was... relevant.

[ChrisH81]

Affairs should have consequences. If you were his wife wouldn't you want to know?

 

True, but I'm not. Also talking about going to the Bar not his wife?

[Marc878]

Cheater script:

 

I cheated now you should just get over it but I'm not gonna tell you the truth.

 

Because that secret is just between me and my other man. What you don't know won't hurt you as bad.

 

Typical.

 

Try living with that long term.

 

R = full truth of what went on and remourse if you don't have that you can just stay together.

 

How's that work out for you?

[ChrisH81]

Cheater script:

 

I cheated now you should just get over it but I'm not gonna tell you the truth.

 

Because that secret is just between me and my other man. What you don't know won't hurt you as bad.

 

Typical.

 

Try living with that long term.

 

R = full truth of what went on and remourse if you don't have that you can just stay together.

 

How's that work out for you?

 

Like a plan.

[bathtub-row]

There’s nothing that says you have to forgive or stay. She’s probably saying those things to comfort herself and to let you know she wants things to work out.

 

But a lot more talking needs to happen, and a lot of introspection on your part. In other words, there comes a point when talking only means so much then quiet sets in. If she’s willing to do anything you want, then her biggest test is to give you time to sort through your feelings about this and understand that there’s no guarantee for a happy ending when all is said and done.

[Marc878]

There’s nothing that says you have to forgive or stay. She’s probably saying those things to comfort herself and to let you know she wants things to work out.

 

But a lot more talking needs to happen, and a lot of introspection on your part. In other words, there comes a point when talking only means so much then quiet sets in. If she’s willing to do anything you want, then her biggest test is to give you time to sort through your feelings about this and understand that there’s no guarantee for a happy ending when all is said and done.

 

Forgive without knowing what you are forgiving? Trust can only be restabished with the full truth.

 

Right now it's self preservation on her part. Minimizing, trickle truthing, etc.

 

She's still in the wayward mindset. If you want to try R it's your call and the stipulations you need before you grant that gift.

 

She is not on the receiving end and does not have a clue as to what you're going through.

 

This might help:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[Normm]

How can she tell you there was no sex and explain away those damning texts about his performance issues in bed?

[ChrisH81]

How can she tell you there was no sex and explain away those damning texts about his performance issues in bed?

 

The way she explains it they have been talking about sex mostly online. He told her about his "issues" and is afraid he'd undeperforn in bed with her as she's "young and hot".

 

Her response was a set of flirty reassuring emojis.

 

In her words he was talking future not past.

[Marc878]

We don't know your wife. You do. It really boils down to what works for you.

 

She was ready and willing if she's telling the truth. The sexual act may or may not be relevant to you.

 

It's your call and what you want.

 

If it were me I'd polygraph.

[Normm]

Unfortunately, as you now know, you're limited in what you're ever going to find out because you confronted her about the texts rather than doing more sleuthing and potentially uncovering more information through the use of voice activated recorder, continuing to monitor her communications with om, that sort of thing. That ship has clearly sailed. She had a couple of days to come up with a somewhat believable explanation that supports them not having sex and you're in a position where you'd really like to believe that's in fact the case. Well, I guess on the bright side, reconciliation may be easier for you if there's a possibility she's telling the truth.

 

About the only option you've got at this point is telling her you want her to take a polygraph test and hope for a "parking lot confession" which will tell you more than a test that is known to be flawed. If she maintains her innocence all the way up to the time she takes the test (and she believes a polygraph actually works) then you can put more credibility in what she says. The actual test results won't really be that reliable but again that's not why you do it.

[Marc878]

 

And - what pisses me off on top of everything - ****ing bastard managed to play it like she was chasing him. I don't get how anyone but a schoolgirl can fall for that. I tried to meet him in person to let my anger out but it looks like he's hard to get hold off. Should I hire him as my divorce lawyer.

 

Cheaters lie a lot and her other man maybe trying to protect himself.

 

The problem is there's a 50/50 chance it could be true. At this time you just don't know.

 

If he had ED issues why would he be chasing her?

[DKT3]

Most often than not the married woman is the aggressor in affairs. She initiates most of the action once she has crossed the boundaries. They will always minimize this. Somehow in the twisted minds of a WS they really believe it makes a difference. At the end of the day she let it happen (and it did happen, everything).

 

Your wife will attempt to control information, and will only admit to what cant be explained or manipulated. Ask her for a polygraph, her actually taking one isnt important plus they are unreliable. However, her need to control information will likely force her to admit more to prevent her losing total control.

[Simple Logic]

Look, I think all sort of advice, even the harsh one.

Perhaps I am not composed and determined as I need to be. It is what it is, that's not the **** they train you for in military or workplace.

 

If I'm to summarize the progress (or lack of it).

 

We are talking. She is explaining how she ended up infatuated with this guy and allowing herself to have long personal talks with him, lunches and meetings outside of the business context, some physical contact (more than she confessed to initially), although discussing matters of sex online clearly happens. Still insists no sex... you don't have to remind me to be sceptical, I am.

 

She resigned. She told me this came as no surprise to them, no exit interviews, no notice period, etc. I guess we all know what it means. In other words she resigned on her own (I didn't have to ask I give her that) but its likely because the secret I'd out, not because this is in the "cheated wife wanting to get her husband back" run sheet.

 

And - what pisses me off on top of everything - ****ing bastard managed to play it like she was chasing him. I don't get how anyone but a schoolgirl can fall for that. I tried to meet him in person to let my anger out but it looks like he's hard to get hold off. Should I hire him as my divorce lawyer perhaps?

 

Speaking of lawyers. I had a phone conf with the lawyer and this was... uneventful. Very routine. Interestingly enough when I mentioned the lawyer (not deliberately to let her know, more like a matter of fact), this sent her back to the sobbing mess state. Which for the 1st tone didn't make me feel so sorry for her. I don't like her tears but at the sane time, do I have any other choice really?

 

End of brain dump.

 

Good luck to you how ever it works out, but my gut feeling is the marriage is salvageable based on what you have reported.

 

The only question I have is she a mess over losing you or fearful of having to wear a scarlet letter as a cheating divorcee.

[BMI03]

Look, I think all sort of advice, even the harsh one.

Perhaps I am not composed and determined as I need to be. It is what it is, that's not the **** they train you for in military or workplace.

 

If I'm to summarize the progress (or lack of it).

 

We are talking. She is explaining how she ended up infatuated with this guy and allowing herself to have long personal talks with him, lunches and meetings outside of the business context, some physical contact (more than she confessed to initially), although discussing matters of sex online clearly happens. Still insists no sex... you don't have to remind me to be sceptical, I am.

 

She resigned. She told me this came as no surprise to them, no exit interviews, no notice period, etc. I guess we all know what it means. In other words she resigned on her own (I didn't have to ask I give her that) but its likely because the secret I'd out, not because this is in the "cheated wife wanting to get her husband back" run sheet.

 

And - what pisses me off on top of everything - ****ing bastard managed to play it like she was chasing him. I don't get how anyone but a schoolgirl can fall for that. I tried to meet him in person to let my anger out but it looks like he's hard to get hold off. Should I hire him as my divorce lawyer perhaps?

 

Speaking of lawyers. I had a phone conf with the lawyer and this was... uneventful. Very routine. Interestingly enough when I mentioned the lawyer (not deliberately to let her know, more like a matter of fact), this sent her back to the sobbing mess state. Which for the 1st tone didn't make me feel so sorry for her. I don't like her tears but at the sane time, do I have any other choice really?

 

End of brain dump.

 

I know that you are keeping your guard up. Good job. She mentioned sitting on his lap, and limited physical contact. She is trying to see how much she has to share to convince you, while still avoiding consiquence. The starting point was NO contact. Her hope was that you would believe her, and most constituence removes. When she saw you were not believing that, she advanced to LIMITED contact, but kept it innocent enough to lap sitting...no sex. Now she hopes by admitting to a bit more scandalous behavior now you will believe her, with only minimally more consiquence to face than her start in point. If you believe her, she found your gullibility point. If you don’t, she will wait a few days and then tell you something a bit more. Maybe she kissed him once. She’ll be sorry she didn’t tell you already but she was scared. Again, testing your point of believability while limiting the impact of her act. Only if you hold firm and show her you are already at the point where the consiquences could be drastic, will she see the only other to reconciliation is the truth.

 

Remember, she has had time to think about all you could know and how to explain it all away.

 

As for telling the boss’s wife, it’s not about telling on him. It’s about having an ally on your side in this and helping understand the truth. The truth is the only way to know if you can forgive.