My wife and her boss

[Keano2]

Hi, this is my story.

 

I’ve been married to my wife for the past 16 years and we have been together for 21 years and I’m still crazy about her, in fact I love her more now than the day we met and couldn’t ever imagine a life without her. We have had ups and downs like any other couple but I never thought I would ever question if we would ever split up because I always thought we would be together for the rest of our lives.

 

At the beginning of 2017 I started questioning my relationship as i had a gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right between us and it was around that time me and my wife was going through a bad patch. My wife has been working for this company for 12 years and I know you can build up strong relationships with people you have known for all that time. My wife’s boss was also going through a bad patch with his wife so he and my wife would confine in each other. Anyway they both crossed the line and let their professional relationship become an intimate relationship where they both had feelings for each other.

 

I soon noticed a change in my wife’s mannerisms on how she usually does things as she started doing things a little differently and in April of 2017 that’s when I found out they was sending pictures and messages to each other of the sexual nature. When I confronted my wife about it she told me that it was one of the other boys in the office playing a joke on the bosses phone. I was absolutely gutted that my wife had not only started this affair but she also lied to me as well when I confronted her about it.

 

Eventually she admitted to me about what was happening between them and told me that she hadn’t had sex with him and that it was only flirting messages. My wife also told me that she didn’t want us to split up and that she would put an end to the relationship with her boss. Anyway to cut what could be a very long story short we are now in October 2018 and this has been happening on and off for all that time. My wife still maintains she has never had a sexual relationship with her boss but I find that hard to believe. She has also said she has finally finished what was going on with her boss because she has never wanted to leave her marriage and wants to rebuild our relationship but that’s also been said a few times so how do I know this time is any different. I just want it all to go away as I’m now struggling to cope with everything.

 

I’m now not sleeping properly and I’m on antidepressants to help me through it all. I still love my wife as strong as ever but I’m on edge waiting for the next blow. I’m struggling to cope with the fact she still works at same place. I know the healing process is going to be tough and that it will take time but the truth is I’m not sure we can recover 100% from this but I’m not going to ever give up on trying to rebuild my marriage. I just hope it’s finally over between them but the question is how can I be sure it is?

[Normm]

She has to quit her job.

 

 

 

Tomorrow.

[Maraud3r]

Stop being the nice and accepting husband she can walk all over? For a starter, that would likely help you a whole lot.

 

Both your wife and him are adults. There's almost no chance this affair wasn't physical including sex for a very long time. Hell this isn't even an affair anymore, this is a full blown secondary relationship while having you at home as a security blanket in case she needs it.

 

You've stood by, you were inactive and allowed this to unfold. It's time for that to end, NOW. Demand she quit her job, inform HR at her place of employment if they have such a department, inform the Boss wife if he's married. Do not warn her in advance, just go and do it.

 

If you genuinely want to salvage this relationship, despite your have likely having intercourse and a secondary relationship for over a year with another man. Then burning this entire thing to the ground is an absolute requirement to even hope to do so.

[standtall]

OP, I hate to tell you, but your wife is giving you the trickle truth, and most likely she has been physical with him..or others. You have 2 choices, ignore it and most likely her behavior will continue to a full blown physical affair...is it's not there already...or get to the bottom of it. Good luck.

[aliveagain]

You need to expose the affair to the boss's wife, see what she thinks of them working together. It will be next to impossible to save a marriage when the wayward spouse still works with the affair partner. Decide what's more important to you, her job or your marriage. Expecting you to accept that she can continue to work with her affair partner is a very selfish act on her part. It just goes to show you her level of remorse. Time to take control, you can't continue to let someone who makes really bad decisions decide the fate of your marriage. Expose the affair to the betrayed wife, they can't work together if you want your relationship to survive.

[Amethyst68]

You say you had a gut feeling at the start of 2017 and had your first DDay in April 2017.

 

 

It's almost 2 years of 2 adults working closely together, the chances are extremely high that people who are comfortable enough to send each other sexual photos are going to have been in some kind of physical relationship. You see or hear about their rationalisation quite often, if they don't have full intercourse then it's not cheating but they don't count oral, masturbation, fondling or even kissing.

 

 

I'm sorry but the length of time, the proximity of the AP, the opportunities I would put money on it being a PA.

 

 

After all this time I would also be very wary of it being taken underground instead of stopped. You need to tell his wife if he's married, really a new job would be ideal too out at least a transfer whee she is not reporting to him. Full transparency is a must.

[d0nnivain]

I'll be the optimist & say maybe it really was only an EA, not a PA. I agree with whoever said your wife needs to quit this job. For financial reasons just quitting might not be the best plan but you need to see real effort to get a new job starting now. If she won't do that you have a problem. She also needs to offer you transparency . . . access to her phone & e-mail. Yeah I know she could get a burner or just meet him at lunch but it's a start. You two could benefit from a marriage counselor.

 

If you are really paranoid you could hire a private investigator & get one of those key stroke loggers.

[Sparta]

OP wow for almost a year she’s been feeding you this s.hit sandwich.?! How can you just sit there and take this total disrespect. Because of your lack of action on your part she’s got no respect for you. I’m sorry to say that you made it worse by not being a man and taking charge of your life and your marriage. There’s no coming back from this.! It’s been in physical the whole time and you sat there and did nothing oh my God. You have to expose this now to everybody.! his wife needs to know right now.! stop being you and start being a man for your own sake. God bless you OP...

[40somethingGuy]

Hi, this is my story.

 

I’ve been married to my wife for the past 16 years and we have been together for 21 years and I’m still crazy about her, in fact I love her more now than the day we met and couldn’t ever imagine a life without her. We have had ups and downs like any other couple but I never thought I would ever question if we would ever split up because I always thought we would be together for the rest of our lives.

 

At the beginning of 2017 I started questioning my relationship as i had a gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right between us and it was around that time me and my wife was going through a bad patch. My wife has been working for this company for 12 years and I know you can build up strong relationships with people you have known for all that time. My wife’s boss was also going through a bad patch with his wife so he and my wife would confine in each other. Anyway they both crossed the line and let their professional relationship become an intimate relationship where they both had feelings for each other.

 

I soon noticed a change in my wife’s mannerisms on how she usually does things as she started doing things a little differently and in April of 2017 that’s when I found out they was sending pictures and messages to each other of the sexual nature. When I confronted my wife about it she told me that it was one of the other boys in the office playing a joke on the bosses phone. I was absolutely gutted that my wife had not only started this affair but she also lied to me as well when I confronted her about it.

 

Eventually she admitted to me about what was happening between them and told me that she hadn’t had sex with him and that it was only flirting messages. My wife also told me that she didn’t want us to split up and that she would put an end to the relationship with her boss. Anyway to cut what could be a very long story short we are now in October 2018 and this has been happening on and off for all that time. My wife still maintains she has never had a sexual relationship with her boss but I find that hard to believe. She has also said she has finally finished what was going on with her boss because she has never wanted to leave her marriage and wants to rebuild our relationship but that’s also been said a few times so how do I know this time is any different. I just want it all to go away as I’m now struggling to cope with everything.

 

I’m now not sleeping properly and I’m on antidepressants to help me through it all. I still love my wife as strong as ever but I’m on edge waiting for the next blow. I’m struggling to cope with the fact she still works at same place. I know the healing process is going to be tough and that it will take time but the truth is I’m not sure we can recover 100% from this but I’m not going to ever give up on trying to rebuild my marriage. I just hope it’s finally over between them but the question is how can I be sure it is?

 

 

 

Like your wife will admit to SLEEPING WITH HER BOSS? Of course they did and likely still are. Do you really think she can/will say 'we need to stop' and he will just transform to the professional that knows boundries? She needs out of there and he needs YOU TO TELL HR. Your wife may get canned too but she has to move on anyways. But since 'you love her even more as a cheater than you did when you first got together (you know when she was committed to you before she was tainted). You need to grow a pair and take control...you are being controlled completely and she knows you are weak as they come. Waiting for the next blow? What? Waiting for her to give Bossman a blow or are you going to become a man who refuses to be a cuck and deliver that blow (talking to a lawyer immediately and HR to get that home wrecker fired). You will never quit trying to re-build but HOPE this is over??? Excuse, me I need to puke. Yeah, I am sounding harsh. I just get that way when I see a man who is so passive about another man stealing your life and hoping it is over. Confront that guy and ruin him. Chances are your wife will be a little turned on that manhood on your part finally emerged. By the sounds of your post, she has free reign to do whatever and whoever she wants and you can just HOPE that isn't the case.

 

 

You are in the shock stage. You will get in the anger stage and that will last the longest. Just realize 1. the woman you married isn't who you thought she was 2. Something in her made her disrespect you to the point of screwing her boss (sending nude pics is really no different...she was sharing private parts of herself) but regardless if they screwed it doesn't matter in terms of this being an affair that betrayed you. 3. She knows you are weak and will never leave or live without her so she will do as she pleases. Also, how about her phone habits? Locked phone for 'privacy?' Does she run to the bathroom with her phone periodically? Early/late at the office with Bossman? Oh Lord, you are your own worst enemy in this because your being passive is giving her the license to do whatever and whoever she wants.

[40somethingGuy]

Stop being the nice and accepting husband she can walk all over? For a starter, that would likely help you a whole lot.

 

Both your wife and him are adults. There's almost no chance this affair wasn't physical including sex for a very long time. Hell this isn't even an affair anymore, this is a full blown secondary relationship while having you at home as a security blanket in case she needs it.

 

You've stood by, you were inactive and allowed this to unfold. It's time for that to end, NOW. Demand she quit her job, inform HR at her place of employment if they have such a department, inform the Boss wife if he's married. Do not warn her in advance, just go and do it.

 

If you genuinely want to salvage this relationship, despite your have likely having intercourse and a secondary relationship for over a year with another man. Then burning this entire thing to the ground is an absolute requirement to even hope to do so.

 

Very good advice here. When I say this you may be thinking to yourself, '40something, you are just a guy behind a keyboard, easy for you to say...'' well, most all of us have been affected by infidelity. Most of us made mistakes in discovery. I felt like my manhood was being threatened so I burned the thing down and confronted the guy myself at his home in fact! SAVING THE MARRIAGE SHOULD BE THE LAST CONCERN RIGHT NOW. Whether you reconcile or not will depend on HER actions, level of remorse, whether you feel you got the whole truth, what is she going to do to build trust etc. Don't make excuses for her because there are not any. She flat out betrayed you and your family. Let that sink in. This was a violation against the kids as well as you. She cannot stay working for this creep and you can't touch her sexually because God knows what she may have. If you reconcile, you will always feel she is tainted at BEST. Unfortunately, marriage therapy is a money grab and basically BS. VERY few know how to do it properly and most are a canned approach (like communication skills instead of what is wrong with her character that she went along and engaged in a LONG affair). Having her served and seeing how that affects her will allow her to feel the reality of HER decisions. You can always pull back the divorce if you are satisfied with her changes and terms of the relationship. Most importantly, EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE without warning. She will quickly see you mean business and are not anyone's cuck chump. Emotion is not your friend here but is no doubt most prevalent. Take the attitude she is not yours anymore and get all you can from this. Ruin the guy and most definitely tell his wife.

[Keano2]

She has to quit her job.

 

 

 

Tomorrow.

 

Hi,

 

She's applied for a couple of jobs so far so hopefully she gets one of them.

[seibert253]

Polygraph should end all doubts.

[Marc878]

Cheaters lie a lot.

[Chaparral]

When a woman cheats and falls in love with another man she generally cuts her husband from sexually or at minimum cuts way back on sex. Has this happened and when did that begin?

 

You said you have been through some bad patches. The question is that because she already was in a relationship with him? This is very common. The cheating spouse causes the bad patches and blames the loyal spouse for the problems.

 

Even though it’s a work affair and they are extremely hard to catch. Can you check phone bills and phone, computers etc?

[Maraud3r]

Hi,

 

She's applied for a couple of jobs so far so hopefully she gets one of them.

 

So, after over a year of this you tell her she needs to find a new job. Her reaction is to tell you she "applied to a couple of jobs" with you having no way of verifying that. All while she still goes to her old job?

 

I'm sorry but, that's her consequences after an entire year of this. Having to pretend to be looking for a new job?

[Chaparral]

So, after over a year of this you tell her she needs to find a new job. Her reaction is to tell you she "applied to a couple of jobs" with you having no way of verifying that. All while she still goes to her old job?

 

I'm sorry but, that's her consequences after an entire year of this. Having to pretend to be looking for a new job?

 

He doesn’t have the experience folks around here have. As long as they work together the affair embers burn. His only hope, if there is one, is for her to quit working there.

 

The other mans wife also needs to be told immediately as does HR. Their families also need to be told including children.

 

She needs to carry the load she bought!

 

She should have to take a polygraph. As ALWAYS poster has only scratched the surface and she has done a brilliant job of trickle Truthing him.

 

A DNA test needs to be done on the kids no matter what. This tells her nothing she said can be believed with out verification. Poster also needs to show her the results of an STD test and demand she take one.

[Jamess1]

Divorce, the sooner the better-Wife no longer loves you, if she ever did...the sooner it ends the faster you can rebuild and move on...

[Maraud3r]

He doesn’t have the experience folks around here have. As long as they work together the affair embers burn. His only hope, if there is one, is for her to quit working there.

Honestly, I question WHY he would even want to salvage this. Sure he might believe it "was never physical" but I'm almost entirely certain that's him deceiving himself. It most assuredly was. He pretty much let her do whatever she wanted, was desperate to believe any lie she told him and then did the opposite of what he should've for a good year if he wanted to even try and salvage this wreck.

 

It really feels like he lacks a sense of self worth, assertiveness and clear boundaries. Letting a cheater dictate the rules, letting them make the decisions is a terrible idea. For any chance at reconciliation THEY need to be the ones desperate trying to patch things up and work on it, not the betrayed spouse.

 

The other mans wife also needs to be told immediately as does HR. Their families also need to be told including children.

 

She needs to carry the load she bought!

 

She should have to take a polygraph. As ALWAYS poster has only scratched the surface and she has done a brilliant job of trickle Truthing him.

 

Here's the thing. That should've happened a year ago. This and more. Blowing the entire thing sky high is the only chance there even is to try and change this dynamic.

 

By now his wife and likely the other guy have settled into a routine. I'd almost say the other guy knows about her husband knowing and doesn't care. Because he hasn't done anything for over a year. And neither of them will ever expect him to suddenly go scorched earth.

 

A DNA test needs to be done on the kids no matter what. This tells her nothing she said can be believed with out verification. Poster also needs to show her the results of an STD test and demand she take one.

Oh absoluely. I doubt he'll do any of that though.

 

@OP. While many of us might come off as "mean" and "aggressive". Most of us have your best interest at heart. You're right now doing the complete opposite of what you need to do. Not just to have any chance to salvage this mess but to break out of situation you've been caught up in for over a year. A situation you wont see for hor horrific it truly is untill you've managed to break free.

[Chaparral]

Since your wife has been cheating on you at least two years now, you are living in complete limbo. You need to take care of yourself. Your wife has taken the office wife to real wife but can’t be together stage.

 

You need to talk to your lawyer and find out where you stand and move forward. You make think you can reconcile but I seriously doubt you can make it in the long run. Few do. Find a counselor, infidelity causes PTSD and knowing two years has done its damage on you. No one can get you out of this mess until you decide you’ve had enough and stop all this weakness and take back control of your life.

 

Get the books MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER and NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY( search free download). The rest of your life is all up to you.

[loversquarrel]

Divorce, the sooner the better-Wife no longer loves you, if she ever did...the sooner it ends the faster you can rebuild and move on...

 

Best advice here, keep it simple. I know what it's like, I was with my now ex-wife for 17 years and had everything until I caught her cheating. It near ruined me and I made the mistake of trying to work on things until a year went by and I grew to resent her. I then had several revenge affairs and emotionally destroyed myself and others in the process. My advice - don't do what I did, be strong and exit now, let yourself grieve, know you aren't alone, and most importantly understand that when you are ready there are plenty of beautiful women out there who would love to take your wife's place and treat you the right way. It worked for me and I'm the happiest I've ever been with someone.

[misspalmy]

Can i ask why you put up with her? Shes hurt you so much. I'm just asking cos im the other woman and i dont understand why his wife put up with his lies, She could do some much better if she put herself 1st.

 

Theres lots of woman out there that will treat you better and will not cheat. What i have learn is most people that cheat wont change they just get sneaker. Take it from me. pregnant again to a cheater. I dont want him his wife can have the cheater lol

[Keano2]

Hi Misspalmy

 

I'm sorry to hear your having a bad time of things at the moment too and I hope you meet the right person and everything works out for you.

 

I suppose we put up with it because we love that person and hope everything works out for the better. Trouble is though I'm fast running out of patience and I can't say with really certainty that I'm confidant its over between them. She says but is and that she wants to put everything right but we will see what happens. Is all I know is that if it flares up again in ending my marriage

[40somethingGuy]

Hi Misspalmy

 

I'm sorry to hear your having a bad time of things at the moment too and I hope you meet the right person and everything works out for you.

 

I suppose we put up with it because we love that person and hope everything works out for the better. Trouble is though I'm fast running out of patience and I can't say with really certainty that I'm confidant its over between them. She says but is and that she wants to put everything right but we will see what happens. Is all I know is that if it flares up again in ending my marriage

 

With this approach what incentive does she have to come clean? She knows you are weak and she gets the security you provide and sex with whomever she wants.

[Marc878]

Affairs are like addictions you get the addict around the source you get relapse.

 

If it ever ended which I'd bet it didn't.

 

An EA with contact turns into a PA.

 

At this time you are just wallowing in infidelity.

 

You are letting yourself be taken for granted.

 

Until you get strong enough to actually make a decision your wife will continue to control you.

 

You are letting yourself be played and walked on.

 

You should wake up now

[WilyWill]

Polygraph her to find the real extent of their relationship. I think she's done much more than she's admitted to. In fact, it would not surprise me if she's done things with him that she's refused to do with you. This is the nature of cheating wives' affairs with a boss--they really want to impress him.

 

If you have kids, do a paternity DNA test in front of her.

 

Call the boss and tell him if he approaches your wife again, your lawyer will contact HR.

 

Consider filing for divorce if for no other reason than to make your wife understand just how serious this situation is. The process can be stopped at any point.

 

Good luck.