My wife and her boss

[major_merrick]

Paternity test your kids, bulletproof your life. Whether you keep your wife or dump her is up to you, but either way the boss has to go. Like now. It is bad business to let something like that stand...you will look like a chump to everybody you meet. Respect is a real thing, and you are already on the losing end.

 

Find a way to get the guy fired. Find ways to ruin his life. Take back your manhood and your self-respect. Make that the price of your wife staying with you if you want - that she has to participate in your clean-up plan to prove her loyalty. It is time to make things get real.

[Chaparral]

Your post makes it look like you are going to stick with her and she is going to continue to work with her boyfriend. This never works. You will be a mess worrying about what they are doing. When you can’t stand it any more come back here for support. Als come back and let others know going through this how things worked out.

[Keano2]

First of all thanks for all the advice given. I understand why everyone has told me to dump her but the truth is i won't do it. I'm old fashioned and believe in working at things to make it work, all the vows I said on my wedding day I will honour to the day I die. If my marriage ends she will be the one that will have to end it. On here I've been called weak because it seems like I've not done anything about it but let me tell you this last 2 years I've been rock bottom and I've not thrown the towel in and I will continue to fight to save my marriage. I have confronted the other guy and I've also spoke to his wife so I'm just sitting here and doing nothing about it.

 

As it stands at this moment in time their fling has finished and she has started to apply for other jobs so we will see how things go. What are you thoughts on this i would love to hear everyone's views on this.

[Marc878]

It's not up to you to fight for the marriage. If she doesn't want it it's a fruitless venture on your part.

 

I think you maybe putting yourself in a compromising position.

 

You can't make her do a thing.

 

You can also honor your vows Forever but if she doesn't what fo you have?

[BMI03]

First of all thanks for all the advice given. I understand why everyone has told me to dump her but the truth is i won't do it. I'm old fashioned and believe in working at things to make it work, all the vows I said on my wedding day I will honour to the day I die. If my marriage ends she will be the one that will have to end it. On here I've been called weak because it seems like I've not done anything about it but let me tell you this last 2 years I've been rock bottom and I've not thrown the towel in and I will continue to fight to save my marriage. I have confronted the other guy and I've also spoke to his wife so I'm just sitting here and doing nothing about it.

 

As it stands at this moment in time their fling has finished and she has started to apply for other jobs so we will see how things go. What are you thoughts on this i would love to hear everyone's views on this.

 

I think you are misinterpreting everyone's advice here. There is a nuance to what you said: "...make it work...". Those are the words used when you are using a fork to eat soup; putting plastic bags around your shoes in the rain; or cooking lasagna without cheese. Point is, "making it work" is what you do when you don't have the actual needed pieces to do something right, but do it anyway in a less than effective manner because you are focused on doing it no matter what. In the end, it's a less desirable version of the real thing.

 

The advice given by some here isn't to throw it all away, but rather that you need to be willing to throw it all away for it to have any chance at being more than "making it work".

 

Look at it this way. Your wife, for reasons you can't begin to understand right now, decided it was worth the risk of losing you to start a relationship with another man. She NEVER thought she would get caught, and was ok with keeping that from you. Now that you are on to her, she will admit to just enough to convince you that she has turned a corner and is now being open with you. She knows you well and knows how much sharing it will take to convince you, without giving more than she has to away. Why? Why not...she has already shown you that she is willing to lie to you to be able to sleep with a second partner...she's PROVEN to lie to achieve this...so why not lie some more to retain that privilege? You are being naive to think she will not. So the guidance isn't to simply leave...it's that you need to be willing to leave for her to understand the seriousness of the pediment she is in.

 

If she sees that her lies have potentially cost her her marriage, only then will she understand that she has a decision to make...you or the other man. So only then will you get your wife back in a way that is meaningful, and hopefully on the path to true remorse and reconciliation. Without her hitting rock bottom and seeing that she can lose everything (and really needing to see and feel it, not just hear it) she will only be as committed as she has to be to keep you by her side, and you will unfortunately live out your days never truly trusting your wife and continually questioning her truthfulness in all things.

[bigman1]

Okay. Point understood. You are the "knight in shining armor ". You took a vow.... old fashioned...she will have to pull the plug... you don't get any medals for that. That is just as unrealistic as believing marriage is about romantic walks, candlelight dinners, and fireplace cuddling. It is not. Those things can happen, but that is not what marriage is.

 

If she pulls the plug, will you stalk her? Will you show up unannounced to tell her that you guys should work it out? You know the pattern.

 

You aren't working anything out right now. You get no medals, she won't be so enamored with your commitment to pain that she comes running back and jump in your arms like a movie. This is real life.

[40somethingGuy]

First of all thanks for all the advice given. I understand why everyone has told me to dump her but the truth is i won't do it. I'm old fashioned and believe in working at things to make it work, all the vows I said on my wedding day I will honour to the day I die. If my marriage ends she will be the one that will have to end it. On here I've been called weak because it seems like I've not done anything about it but let me tell you this last 2 years I've been rock bottom and I've not thrown the towel in and I will continue to fight to save my marriage. I have confronted the other guy and I've also spoke to his wife so I'm just sitting here and doing nothing about it.

 

As it stands at this moment in time their fling has finished and she has started to apply for other jobs so we will see how things go. What are you thoughts on this i would love to hear everyone's views on this.

 

Kudos to you for confronting the OM and speaking to his wife. How did that go? I definitely am not saying 'leave' but I am saying that she has to earn you back and what steps are you willing to enforce and will she comply in good faith?

[Starswillshine]

First of all thanks for all the advice given. I understand why everyone has told me to dump her but the truth is i won't do it. I'm old fashioned and believe in working at things to make it work, all the vows I said on my wedding day I will honour to the day I die. If my marriage ends she will be the one that will have to end it. On here I've been called weak because it seems like I've not done anything about it but let me tell you this last 2 years I've been rock bottom and I've not thrown the towel in and I will continue to fight to save my marriage. I have confronted the other guy and I've also spoke to his wife so I'm just sitting here and doing nothing about it.

 

As it stands at this moment in time their fling has finished and she has started to apply for other jobs so we will see how things go. What are you thoughts on this i would love to hear everyone's views on this.

 

I think everyone deals with things differently and everyone has their own timeline on when they accept reality and/or what they can tolerate.

 

I commend you for wanting to save your marriage. I wanted to for a long time. I put in 2 years after the 1st DDay. He never shaped up to my satisfaction and I finally decided it was time to do the extremely hard thing and put an end to it. It was my only way that I might find true happiness. I wasnt living.

 

It wasn't until after I filed for divorce that he claimed to have change, that he promised me everything. (Though, truly the changes I hear are just words... his actions (like involved with someone else) say otherwise.)

 

Best of luck. I hope she gets it together.

[Chaparral]

When did you confront the other man? What was the result of that? When did you inform his wife? What was the result of that?

 

Your wife refuses to quit her job unless she finds another?

 

Could you post a timeline of what has gone on. I’m confused about what has happened and when.

[BuddyX]

You know why I bailed on my WW? Because “I deserve better than begging my wife not to f*ck other guys"

[Try]

I can't say with really certainty that I'm confidant its over between them. She says but is and that she wants to put everything right but we will see what happens.

You "can't say with really certainty that" "its over between them" because your wife decided to continue to work with him instead of getting a new job. That matched with the basis of her affair being that she has a history of repeatedly lying to you about it in order to keep it going, and you have no rational reason to be OK with your current situation.

 

1) By allowing her to keep working with her affair partner for so long, you basically showed her that having an affair was not that big a deal for you as she feared it would be prior to you first finding out.

 

2) By giving you lip service as you keep finding out that she has continued cheating with this guy, she has seen that you will let her rug sweep, as you do nothing serious about it. Did you make her change jobs, no. Did you tell his wife, no. Did you see a lawyer and file for divorce, no (you could always change your mind, but only after she took action to earned a second chance). At this point why would she stop? How on earth can you sit there for over a year as she goes off to see her affair partner every day as if it is nothing?

 

3) She is not remorseful, as she is only sorry that you found out. Without remorse, you are in what is called false reconciliation.

 

4) The only way that you can normally catch a cheater is if you find out that they broke the normally required 100% no contact with their affair partner. Since you have not even requested 100% no contact, and since you have allowed her to work with the guy every day where she spends more waking hours with him then with you, you have no way to catch her cheating.

Edited October 30, 2018 by Try

[loversquarrel]

First of all thanks for all the advice given. I understand why everyone has told me to dump her but the truth is i won't do it. I'm old fashioned and believe in working at things to make it work, all the vows I said on my wedding day I will honour to the day I die. If my marriage ends she will be the one that will have to end it. On here I've been called weak because it seems like I've not done anything about it but let me tell you this last 2 years I've been rock bottom and I've not thrown the towel in and I will continue to fight to save my marriage. I have confronted the other guy and I've also spoke to his wife so I'm just sitting here and doing nothing about it.

 

As it stands at this moment in time their fling has finished and she has started to apply for other jobs so we will see how things go. What are you thoughts on this i would love to hear everyone's views on this.

 

I'm an old fashioned type myself and I, like you, decided to give it a try for a year after my ex-wifes affair ended. It sucked, I felt like I was the one busting my ass to keep things going and I just grew resentful.

 

If you want to make it work that's fine, it's your life and your decision. I will say this however - if she hasn't tried to work at her marriage with you as of yet chances are very high she never will. One thing that separates a true cheater from others is their extreme capacity for selfishness. She has to make a change to selflessness, but I just don't think that's in the cards for you. The only time remorse is true is if it happens swiftly and selflessly.

 

Good luck, we'll be around to help when you need it.

[Jamess1]

Divorce her . . .

[Just a Guy]

Hi Keano, if you won't divorce your wife then just accept what she has done and live with it. Best wishes.

[Try]

I'm old fashioned and believe in working at things to make it work, all the vows I said on my wedding day I will honour to the day I die.

Do not try to put a rose on a pig by falsely claiming that you are being "old fashioned", or saying that you are honoring "all the vows" you both said on your wedding day. There is nothing old fashioned about letting your wife cheat on you time and again with her lover, as you work on the marriage. There is also nothing honorable about one-sidedly holding yourself bound by the terms and conditions of marriage vows, once the marriage contract has been broken. In a rental contract, if you stop paying rent, you no longer have a right to live there, and if the landlord stops letting you live there, you do not owe the landlord any rent. Once a contract is broken by one of the parties, there is no longer an agreement.

 

If she shows true remorse, which is not the same as being sorry that she was caught, and you decide that she has worked hard enough (notice she is doing the work) to earn the gift of another chance, it will be a new marriage as the old marriage cannot be put back together. This new marriage will never be the same. The innocents is not coming back. Staying with her means that you are settling for never having a marriage with the trust level that you had before.

 

It is your life to decide. Do what you think is best for you. Just be honest about it with yourself, starting with acknowledging that your old marriage is dead, and that she is not the person that you thought that you were married to.

Edited November 2, 2018 by Try

[WMGuy]

First of all thanks for all the advice given. I understand why everyone has told me to dump her but the truth is i won't do it. I'm old fashioned and believe in working at things to make it work, all the vows I said on my wedding day I will honour to the day I die. If my marriage ends she will be the one that will have to end it. On here I've been called weak because it seems like I've not done anything about it but let me tell you this last 2 years I've been rock bottom and I've not thrown the towel in and I will continue to fight to save my marriage. I have confronted the other guy and I've also spoke to his wife so I'm just sitting here and doing nothing about it.

 

As it stands at this moment in time their fling has finished and she has started to apply for other jobs so we will see how things go. What are you thoughts on this i would love to hear everyone's views on this.

 

I’m now not sleeping properly and I’m on antidepressants to help me through it all. I still love my wife as strong as ever but I’m on edge waiting for the next blow. I’m struggling to cope with the fact she still works at same place. I know the healing process is going to be tough and that it will take time but the truth is I’m not sure we can recover 100% from this but I’m not going to ever give up on trying to rebuild my marriage. I just hope it’s finally over between them but the question is how can I be sure it is?

 

You ended your original post asking how you can be sure the affair is over. The short answer is you will always wonder. Years from now your wife will leave the house to go shopping with a friend and you will wonder where she really is. If she still works with him, you are stupid if you don’t wonder. If she gets another job, you will wonder if it is happening again.

 

My wife had an affair 8.5 years ago and we are still together and it has never been the same. I still have thoughts of hurt, anger, sadness, resentment, and disgust come over me.

 

Honoring your vows is one thing, but she did not and infidelity by a spouse allows you out. Being old fashioned does not mean loving someone to death while they are mistreating you. Maybe this is your wife’s way of ending it, but isn’t able to pull the trigger herself.

 

For nearly two years she has been doing this to you. You have described the physical sickness this has caused you. Her carrying this on for so long isn’t a sign that she is remorseful or truly bothered by what it has done to you.

 

Confronting the other guy and his spouse isn’t really fighting for your marriage. It is merely acting out the only power you can scrape up and how has it worked for you?

 

Nobody can fight for a marriage by themself. I know it is so hard, but I hope you can get up the courage to do something more. Whether it is dumping her or just separating with the guidance of an attorney and protection of assets. There are other things that can be, but she needs to have some consequences and difficulties because of this. Seeing a sad and hurting Keano2 just hasn’t been doing it.

[usa1ah]

I am guessing her boss is married as well.

 

I can understand why she is attracted to other men. Have you read what you have written?

 

You need to find your manhood and self respect. No woman is attracted to someone that looks as weak as you.

 

With the o please don’t do it again.

 

Why are you not divorced or heading that way already.

 

You are in love with the image you have of her, not who she really is.

 

File for divorce and move on already.