Dealing with Narcissistic Mother

[manifestsunshine]

Any ways to deal with a narcissist?

 

My mom and I have never been close. Recently she's been by my side due to me enduring a horrible break-up. Currently I live at my parents house, although my parents live with my gma. I am usually alone but she's been coming over much more often but it's very intrusive to me bc I like my space and can only handle her for a few hours at a time w/o feeling anxious or irritated.

 

Growing up she's always been very controlling, stubborn and mean. I never learned how to think for myself bc it would be her way or the highway- as it is now. I was always able to protect myself by being quiet. I always carried resentment towards her bc I feel like she never respected me. I think she has undiagnosed bi-polar, as it runs in the family.

 

Because of how I was raised, I have always been co-dependent and seeking validation. This is why my break-up has been so hard bc I put my emotional dependence on this person who betrayed me. I feel lost. I have always been a people-pleaser and I know I need to be happy on my own. It's very difficult. As much as I want to just move away, my financial situation leaves me stuck here for now until I find a job.

 

I'm just trying to find ways to cope with my mom but I just can't. As stressed out as I am already from the break-up with NC of 6 days, I am also very depressed and can't seem to shake it even if I'm doing something I enjoy.

 

I'm a mess and just don't know how I can overcome finding solace hanging out with my mom and finding a way to endure it until I can move out. It's really difficult to converse with her as she always controls the situation and I have no interest to interact with her bc she has a tendency to get angry and controlling out of nowhere.

 

I appreciate your help. Thanks!

Edited October 25, 2018 by manifestsunshine

[Mr. Lucky]

My mom and I have never been close. Recently she's been by my side due to me enduring a horrible break-up. Currently I live at my parents house, although my parents live with my gma. I am usually alone but she's been coming over much more often but it's very intrusive to me bc I like my space and can only handle her for a few hours at a time w/o feeling anxious or irritated.

 

Confusing description. If you live at your parents house, how does mom "come over much more often"? Doesn't she live there too?

 

Regardless, time for a talk with her where you deliver a simple message. You appreciate her support, but you need some alone time to reflect on what's happened and plan for the future. And when you need her, you'll come visit her. And then you make good on your word by doing so.

 

If she's so tone deaf she can't hear or handle this input and refuses to change, you leave when she comes over for the park, library, coffeeshop, etc. She'll get the message.

 

I'll also add many young adults consider any input from their parents as "intrusive" ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

Can you get some therapy?

 

A technique I used with my mom was a combo of tuning her out, only acting like I was listening but letting most of what she said wash over me. You know nod, smile, don't really respond. Say things back like "that's interesting" or "hmmm" just being very non committal. If you don't engage & learn to stop caring about what she says / thinks, it gets easier to remain calm.

 

Learn breathing techniques to call yourself. Consider taking up meditation.

 

Finally, focus on your own tone. The more upset you become with her, the quieter you get, even to the point of whispering. Also get into the habit of pausing for at least 3 seconds -- literally count to 3 in your head before you answer her & use that time to remind yourself that her opinion doesn't control & you are in charge of your own life.

 

Meanwhile do 3 things for yourself

 

 

1. Make a list of your good qualities & read it over & over.

 

 

2. Make a list of the reasons it's better for you to be apart from your EX.

 

 

3. Keep a gratitudes journal, every morning write down 3 good things & another 3 every night. Read it once per week.

[PRW]

Unlike most women, with mothers you can't just dump her go out to a bar and pick up another. You just need to create space.

 

Only two suggestions:

 

1. Get your own place as soon as you can. Just a small cheap apartment is good enough for the moment.

 

2. There is a book I often recommend. People often think it is a "dating advice" book, but really it is way more than that. It made a huge difference in my life, in all areas of my life. It is also fairly short and it is cheap. It is Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man".

[preraph]

Confusing description. If you live at your parents house, how does mom "come over much more often"? Doesn't she live there too?

 

Regardless, time for a talk with her where you deliver a simple message. You appreciate her support, but you need some alone time to reflect on what's happened and plan for the future. And when you need her, you'll come visit her. And then you make good on your word by doing so.

 

If she's so tone deaf she can't hear or handle this input and refuses to change, you leave when she comes over for the park, library, coffeeshop, etc. She'll get the message.

 

I'll also add many young adults consider any input from their parents as "intrusive" ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She lives in her parents' home but her parents live with a grandma. Sounds like a great setup to me, except she wishes she didn't drop by. But that's too much to hope.

 

OP, once you get your own place, just be sure you don't give her permission or a key to drop by anytime.

[Mr. Lucky]

She lives in her parents' home but her parents live with a grandma. Sounds like a great setup to me, except she wishes she didn't drop by. But that's too much to hope.

 

Ah, makes sense. I thought all three generations lived together.

 

manifestsunshine, your situation is complicated by living in your parent's house. Mom may see free rent and access as a package deal.

 

As has been pointed out, a lot easier to enforce boundaries in your own place...

 

Mr. Lucky

[manifestsunshine]

Confusing description. If you live at your parents house, how does mom "come over much more often"? Doesn't she live there too?

 

Regardless, time for a talk with her where you deliver a simple message. You appreciate her support, but you need some alone time to reflect on what's happened and plan for the future. And when you need her, you'll come visit her. And then you make good on your word by doing so.

 

If she's so tone deaf she can't hear or handle this input and refuses to change, you leave when she comes over for the park, library, coffeeshop, etc. She'll get the message.

 

I'll also add many young adults consider any input from their parents as "intrusive" ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks for your input

 

My mom lives with my grandma and therefore I live by myself. She has been coming over more often to do some house-work and it's been much more frequently since we are remodeling. I guess it kind of keeps her busy until she stops working then she's right in my face.

 

I have actually mentioned some alone time. One incident was instead of working out in the living room I went into my room. She was mad and stressed twice to me I needed to workout in the living room (in front of her), but I said I needed my privacy. I think that ticked her off and I just closed my door. It's hard for me to have a civil talk with her bc I just feel uncomfortable...she always on the defense.

 

I like the idea of leaving when I can. I sometimes will leave when she's coming over or will leave when she is here. So far avoidance and just nodding as if I'm listening to her when she talks to me, is that only way I can cope. Can only really handle like a few hours max of her.

 

Yeah you're def right!...but she's really intrusive to the point where it sounds like she's interrogating me constantly. She talks to me with questions only and doesn't know how to properly engage. Just always feel like I'm on this string and her temperament is always sporadic. With her, the uncertainty is unreal.

[manifestsunshine]

Can you get some therapy?

 

A technique I used with my mom was a combo of tuning her out, only acting like I was listening but letting most of what she said wash over me. You know nod, smile, don't really respond. Say things back like "that's interesting" or "hmmm" just being very non committal. If you don't engage & learn to stop caring about what she says / thinks, it gets easier to remain calm.

 

Learn breathing techniques to call yourself. Consider taking up meditation.

 

Finally, focus on your own tone. The more upset you become with her, the quieter you get, even to the point of whispering. Also get into the habit of pausing for at least 3 seconds -- literally count to 3 in your head before you answer her & use that time to remind yourself that her opinion doesn't control & you are in charge of your own life.

 

Meanwhile do 3 things for yourself

 

 

1. Make a list of your good qualities & read it over & over.

 

 

2. Make a list of the reasons it's better for you to be apart from your EX.

 

 

3. Keep a gratitudes journal, every morning write down 3 good things & another 3 every night. Read it once per week.

 

 

Thanks so much for all of your help!

 

YES, I def need it. I really feel like hearing your input as well as others- it is really helping me as well.

 

Wow!!...yes!! I really need to do this! You're absolutely right!! I have been sort of doing it but really need to control my anxiety and try to not care. I think meditation will really help as well. Right now yoga is helping me relieve some stress but should do at least a 5 min meditation before bed to gain some emotional relief.

 

The thing that is the hardest is if she's in a bad mood- then it's hard to restore my mood. Sometimes she will get mad out of nowhere and she tries to engage with me- so I think that pausing will help recenter me in the moment. She has a short fuse.

 

I really appreciate your tips! They are extremely helpful!! I will definitely try all three of them and see how I feel over time.

[manifestsunshine]

Unlike most women, with mothers you can't just dump her go out to a bar and pick up another. You just need to create space.

 

Only two suggestions:

 

1. Get your own place as soon as you can. Just a small cheap apartment is good enough for the moment.

 

2. There is a book I often recommend. People often think it is a "dating advice" book, but really it is way more than that. It made a huge difference in my life, in all areas of my life. It is also fairly short and it is cheap. It is Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man".

 

Thank you for your wisdom!

 

1. YES- I really do need my own place. I guess I'm spoiled by living by myself but I also think if I find a job soon, I'll be home less if she decides to come over occasionally. Luckily she doesn't live here with me.

 

 

2. Is this book applicable to women as well? I notice it is in reference to men. I'll still look into it - thanks!!

[manifestsunshine]

She lives in her parents' home but her parents live with a grandma. Sounds like a great setup to me, except she wishes she didn't drop by. But that's too much to hope.

 

OP, once you get your own place, just be sure you don't give her permission or a key to drop by anytime.

 

Def lucky she doesn't live with me (for now at least!). She's over here doing some work bc we are remodeling and cleaning up.

 

Haha, thanks for your advice! If I got my own place I would have to move out of state, but otherwise I would have to find a room soon and continue to save up for a downpayment on a house. I even thought of doing a ADU in the backyard...a small tiny home. I'm hoping they will be able to rent out this place eventually for some residual income...but it doesn't help that my mom is a hoarder.

[manifestsunshine]

Ah, makes sense. I thought all three generations lived together.

 

manifestsunshine, your situation is complicated by living in your parent's house. Mom may see free rent and access as a package deal.

 

As has been pointed out, a lot easier to enforce boundaries in your own place...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You're absolutely right! They are kind enough to let me live rent free until I get on my feet again. I had some health problems so I had to quit my job.

 

Most def it would be nice but I know if I do stay here and pay rent, I know I won't have to live with strangers. I understand it'll work against me, but if I do find a job hopefully I'll be out of the house most of the time, so she'll be less inclined to visit....or build a tiny house in the backyard so I have my own space

[PRW]

2. Is this book applicable to women as well? I notice it is in reference to men. I'll still look into it - thanks!!

 

No. Men only.

[manifestsunshine]

No. Men only.

 

thanks! I read this article on it: https://www.turbomind.com/10-things-i-learnt-from-how-to-be-a-3-man-by-corey-wayne-summary-by-miguel-de-la-fuente/

 

even though it's for men, I can relate still bc it really confirms what females do want in a man. good to know still

[PRW]

thanks! I read this article on it: https://www.turbomind.com/10-things-i-learnt-from-how-to-be-a-3-man-by-corey-wayne-summary-by-miguel-de-la-fuente/

 

even though it's for men, I can relate still bc it really confirms what females do want in a man. good to know still

 

Thanks for the link. That was a pretty good summary. I'll have to bookmark it, I may be able to pull quotes from it in my posts sometimes.

 

I thought you were a guy BTW,...but glad you found the material useful none the less.

Edited October 27, 2018 by PRW

[manifestsunshine]

Thanks for the link. That was a pretty good summary. I'll have to bookmark it, I may be able to pull quotes from it in my posts sometimes.

 

I thought you were a guy BTW,...but glad you found the material useful none the less.

 

I guess I do write like a dude. LOL. No offense taken.

 

I'm glad you found it useful!