Why doesn't he want to fight for me?

[Sunnyside22]

I have just come out of a four year relationship, with a man I was convinced I would marry. From the moment we met, we were inseparable! He was my first love. We spoke about marriage and kids. Although I wasn't ready for marriage at the stage of life I was in, we knew it was on the cards for us both. We moved out together after two year of dating and loved living with one another. However, during this time he started a new job which meant working late as well as weekends. The industry he works in is extremely brutal and really sucks the life out of people.

 

We were going through some hardship and had to move back to our family homes a year ago. I went back to my mums house because she lives closer to my work and he went to his parents because they live closer to his work. We weren't happy and we both weren't communicating it because we loved one another very much. Over this past year I kept wondering if I needed to leave the relationship. It was my first love and I found myself wondering what else was out there. I decided that he was everything and I just needed to commit to him because the grass isn't greener on the other side. Once I recommitted and we started working on our relationship and it was better than ever, I discovered some horrible news. Four months ago, I found out he was cheating on me with an escort (3 times).

 

I was absolutely heartbroken. He is not that type of man and I truly believe it. Once I found out however, he couldn't deal with the guilt of it all. Initially he wanted to make things work and try to fix the relationship, however I needed time so we both decided that we needed to go our seperate ways and rebuild ourselves. We didn't speak, I went travelling, started uni again, and was making strides in life, however I had the hope that we would get back together someday.

 

The time apart from him made me realise my faults in the relationship and how much I want to commit to him if I was ever given the chance again. Time heals all wounds and over the weekend he text me for my birthday. He asked to take me out to lunch and I agreed. We went out for food and some drinks and really enjoyed the time. I felt like the very first moment we met. I didn't speak of the relationship, we just hung out like old friends. Towards the end of the evening he was saying how much he loves me, I'm his soul mate, and how he missed me and spoke about if we were able to give it another chance. I said to him that there are things that need to change and I'd be interested to give it another shot to see if we can make it work (yes, I know his behaviour is a 'runforthehills' kind of act, but I just can't help but feel so connected to him).

 

He said he was going to come and see me on Monday for my actual birthday and said he had a lot of anxiety because when he sees me he's reminded of what he did and what he lost. When we met on Monday, he seemed guilty and incredibly sad. I said to him that we have two choices, 1. Give it another shot and give it our all OR 2. Let go of us and what we had. He chose number 2. because he said he needs to work on himself and still can't deal with the guilt over everything that happened. He said when he sees me he's happy because he misses me, but then he's reminded of what he did to me. He says he's struggling with the man he was. I accepted this choice and said goodbye with my head held high. I don't want to beg a man to stay if he doesn't want to.

 

Now he's left though, I'm extremely upset. I'm so devastated and even more depressed than the initial break up. I want to know why he doesn't want to fight for what we have, even though I'm the one who was cheated on? Does he mean it when he says he needs to work on himself or is there another reason? Is it easier for him to just throw in the towel and move on, so he doesn't have to face what he's done? Am I always going to be a constant reminder of his actions?

 

Any insight or advice on my whole situation would be welcomed. I'm so sad and lost at the moment and just need all the support I can get. I know I will be fine, I just want specific answers from him, but I don't want to contact him, so this is the next best thing.

[ExpatInItaly]

Four months ago, I found out he was cheating on me with an escort (3 times).

 

I was absolutely heartbroken. He is not that type of man and I truly believe it.

Oh honey, yes he is. His actions prove it. Men who aren't the type to cheat with escorts, well...they don't cheat with escorts. You need to accept the reality of who he is. You're still in denial after this painful discovery. It doesn't line up with the man you thought he was, but he showed you he is someone very different from what you once knew.

 

I want to know why he doesn't want to fight for what we have, even though I'm the one who was cheated on?

Sadly, this is because he doesn't want to be with you anymore. His heart isn't it, and he knows it. If he were committed and wanted you, he wouldn't be stepping out with escorts to begin with - and then wanting to stay broken up. He knows he doesn't have the right feelings about you to continue.

 

This is hard because he's your first love and he did something awful. But you can do a lot better than this. He isn't relationship material for you and you are going to be better off healing and eventually finding a guy who wouldn't dream of cheating on you to begin with.

 

Start working on letting go so you can seek out healthier, happier pastures. If you haven't already, please do get checked for STIs/HIV as well. You need to look out for yourself now.

[Sunnyside22]

Hi ExpatInItaly,

 

Thank you for this. You've definitely shone a light for me. It's true, I know he isn't in it anymore and doesn't want me anymore, I just think it's one of the hardest realities to face.

 

Unfortunately he is that type of man. Actions speak louder than words and what he did is what I need to listen to.

 

When we saw each other on Sunday, he was telling me that I was his soul mate and his best friend. We had such a great day and were caught up in the love that we once shared. I just find it so hard to believe it wasn't just me feeling that.

 

I feel like I was just starting to process everything and now I'm back at stage 1, grieving the loss of him.

 

I know I'll be fine, I just don't know what the first step of letting go is.. Just waiting the days out, so I can finally feel a little better to start taking those steps.

 

Thanks

[ExpatInItaly]

When we saw each other on Sunday, he was telling me that I was his soul mate and his best friend. We had such a great day and were caught up in the love that we once shared. I just find it so hard to believe it wasn't just me feeling that.

 

This is hogwash. He disrespected you terribly; would you treat your best friend the way he treated you? I doubt that. Best friends don't willingly put each other's emotional and physical well-being in jeopardy the way he did.

 

His words are meaningless because his behaviour completely contradicts them. He says what he thinks sounds good in the moment but there's no substance to support that anymore.

[Chassit]

@sunnyside22

 

 

You have found a great community here. A lot of us here have been betrayed too, so we get it. There are some folks on the other side of the fence. As you, can (and I know it is hard) try reading some of their stories. They can provide a lot of insight about what your ex may have been feeling. I don't recommend doing this right away though because it will hurt (at least it hurt me).

 

 

I am sorry you are going thrugh this. I know how much it hurts to have the person you were planning on spending your life with just not want you anymore and to step out. She left me for him, so I really do get it.

 

 

 

Now is the time to focus on you (so cliche', I know) and to heal.

[stillafool]

He should be jumping at the chance to get back since you are the one who is forgiving him for cheating, if he really wanted you back. He would want to work on his problems with you by his side. I think he is still having sex with escorts and likes it or has another girl on his radar. Escorts are very experienced. He knows he isn't going to stop it anytime soon because good, freaky sex is hard to give up when you are a man.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry you are hurting. Unfortunately while his words may be what you want to hear, every action in the past 2 years points to a lack of caring. You two moved out from living together. That is a step backwards. He cheated 3 times with prostitutes. Please tell me you have been tested for STDs. Finally this last straw, given this undeserved golden opportunity to reconcile because you were inexplicably willing to forgive his cheating thinking that if you just worked harder, he would not have strayed, he said no.

 

You need to accept that your 1st love won't be your last love. I'm sorry.

[Sunnyside22]

I have recently found out that my partner of four years was cheating on me. He was seeing an escort on three seperate occasions, however I now suspect there were more times throughout the relationship which I don't know of.

 

I initially was extremely sad and hurt, but never once showed my anger for the situation. We ended things 4 months ago. I blocked him on all social media and we hadn't spoken since. On Sunday he wanted to go out to lunch to celebrate my Birthday and I stupidly said yes because I was holding on to the idea of who he was, not who he is. Lunch was fine and we had a great time reconnecting. Not thinking about the damage he had caused or what he had actually done. I guess I was in denial for the past 4 months, because it was easier than actually facing what he had done. I was also so disgusted by he's actions that I hadn't spoken about them with anyone.

 

After Sunday he said he doesn't know what he wants. He needs to sort out his head and his emotions, because he can't handle the guilt of what he did. I told him I agree and that we need to go our seperate ways. I've never once been mean to him and have always shown care for him, which now makes me feel that he thinks he can come back when/if he ever gets himself sorted.

 

Now I'm starting to actually process everything, I want to let him know how I actually feel. I want to tell him that I am so disgusted by his actions. That if he actually wanted me, he would come and get me. That I never want to hear from him again. I want him to know that the door is 100% closed on us.

 

Should I contact him one final time to let him know how I really feel now I'm starting to process it all OR do I leave how I've already left, with him feeling that his actions weren't as bad as they actually were? I'm worried he thinks he will have a chance with me later, because I was so caring about his current issues.

[preraph]

I would usually say walk away, but since you haven't told him off yet, I think you need to do that and THEN block him and move on. Whether you do that in writing or in person, up to you and how easy it is for him to pull your strings and talk his way out of things.

 

But keep it brief. If you pour your heart out, it contradicts that you are over him.

[FMW]

OP I think I would just avoid him right now. Your feelings about this situation seem to have changed very quickly since your other post. I think you probably need to take some space and time and really get it settled in your head and heart. If you try to talk to him about it right now you might find yourself wavering again.

[divegrl]

Hi Sunnyside.

 

I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. His actions were extremely hurtful and it’s very understandably that you would be angry.

 

I would hold off on contacting him for now. Know that emotions are temporary. This week you might be angry. Next week you might be sad. Please give yourself the time and space to work through your thoughts and emotions.

 

After you have given yourself some time to grieve, I would then contact him with your decision. Let him know his actions were very hurtful and he caused you a lot of pain.

 

Sending love to you today my friend.

[PRW]

Should I contact him one final time to let him know how I really feel now I'm starting to process it all OR do I leave how I've already left, with him feeling that his actions weren't as bad as they actually were? I'm worried he thinks he will have a chance with me later, because I was so caring about his current issues.

 

There is no point in doing anything. Quit picking the scab. Just go on with your daily life. He will do the same.

 

You seemed to be all wrapped up in "what he thinks, or might be thinking". There is no point in that. It just seems like you want "vengence on his mind" to make him think whatever you want him to think, and that if you get him to think just the "right thing", then you will feel better. What he thinks doesn't matter at this point. You will never be satisfied with whatever he thinks anyway.

 

You just go on with your life. He does the same. You meet someone else and you'll start focusing on them,...he will meet someone and start focusing on them. It is just that simple

[helloladies21]

He is not that type of man and I truly believe it.

 

That's called being in denial. You are what you do. And it's not even like this was some type of one-off incident. It happened three times. This is exactly who he is.

 

I want to know why he doesn't want to fight for what we have

 

Because he doesn't value you enough. You fight for the things you value. So while he may care about you on some degree, you interpret his feelings for you as being much stronger than what they are.

 

I was faced with something very similar with my recent ex during two separate break ups. She didn't fight for me. She was content to just let me walk out the door. She didn't treat me right. It hurt me a lot, but I have no regrets about breaking it off with her. Now she's with some other guy. That chapter of my life is now closed and I'm just trying to come to terms with it. You can do the same.

[elaine567]

Cheating with escorts is not good, as escorts are everywhere.

How could you ever trust him again?

Once the paying for sex line is crossed, and a liking for it gained, then many find it difficult to see a relationship and relationship sex as enough.

Sex on tap day or night. Anytime, anywhere any place...

I guess he knows that and couldn't therefore pledge himself to you and you alone.