I'm too smart for him?

[manifestsunshine]

My ex would always say I'm the smartest person he knows or dated. It was annoying as hell. I have always contested it. I never thought he could be that intimated by my intelligence.

 

He always put me on a pedestal in regards to smarts, economic & social class.

 

I don't see why he would even mention that, unless he wanted to use it to boost my ego and lessen the damage. He also said he doesn't know why I choose him and he had it engrained in his mind that he was a rebound.

 

It's as if he disqualified himself...as if there wasn't anything he could offer me. In fact, he had a lot to offer and it's as if he didn't couldn't establish his own worth in this relationship.

 

So many assumptions that filled his head.

He danced around the truth as well, providing these reasons, as well as that he wants to be alone and have no commitment...instead of telling me upfront he does not love me anymore and I neglected him (I had health problems so I couldn't be there for him fully)... I had to dig it out of him.

 

Do you think his insecurities got the best of him to end things?...or he just said all these things to lessen the blow to me without telling me the truth upfront.

 

Thanks!

Edited October 25, 2018 by manifestsunshine

[Million.to.1]

You should be flattered he thought you were smart. You sound resentful of the compliments he gave you. Better that he said nice things about you than pointed out your flaws all the time.

 

 

To be honest, knowing the reason(s) and not knowing the reason(s) for why someone broke up with you is kind of irrelevant. It doesn't make the healing any easier or quicker.

 

No one wants to hurt the person they are breaking up with, so people aren't always completely honest or truthful with their reasoning. They may not even know themselves, it's just doesn't feel right anymore.

 

You'll discover you own reasons in time and with reflection. Those are the only reasons that really matter anyhow.

[salparadise]

Do you think his insecurities got the best of him to end things?...or he just said all these things to lessen the blow to me without telling me the truth upfront.

 

It sounds like an honest answer to me. He felt inadequate three important ways, and that's hard for a guy. He may have more worthiness issues than he's able to articulate. In order for someone to be able to receive love they have to feel worthy of being loved. It's sad when a person doesn't have that.

 

Usually when a person isn't honest about why they're ending a relationship they will be shifting the blame onto the other person, passively or overtly.

[ExpatInItaly]

He danced around the truth as well, providing these reasons, as well as that he wants to be alone and have no commitment...instead of telling me upfront he does not love me anymore and I neglected him (I had health problems so I couldn't be there for him fully)... I had to dig it out of him.

 

Do you think his insecurities got the best of him to end things?...or he just said all these things to lessen the blow to me without telling me the truth upfront.

 

He likely did have some insecurities, but I think they only play a part in why he ended the relationship. He gave you other valid reasons to break up, which I think he was being honest about.

 

In other words, it's probably a combination of all the reasons you've outlined here. Some insecurity, having fallen out of love, wanting to be free of commitment, wanting to see what else is out there. He might not even be able to articulate them all himself, but unless you two are working on reconciliation, the details about what led to the breakdown of the relationship are not terribly important at this point. I know you are searching for answers, as dumpees naturally do, but acceptance (and healing, in part) comes from understanding that you might never get the definitive answers you're looking for.

[d0nnivain]

Yup. His own insecurities allowed him to sabotage the relationship. It sucks because you never say yourself as being so above him & you grew frustrated by his negative opinions but it was not an attempt to soften the blow. It really was him thinking he wasn't good enough

[manifestsunshine]

You should be flattered he thought you were smart. You sound resentful of the compliments he gave you. Better that he said nice things about you than pointed out your flaws all the time.

 

 

To be honest, knowing the reason(s) and not knowing the reason(s) for why someone broke up with you is kind of irrelevant. It doesn't make the healing any easier or quicker.

 

No one wants to hurt the person they are breaking up with, so people aren't always completely honest or truthful with their reasoning. They may not even know themselves, it's just doesn't feel right anymore.

 

You'll discover you own reasons in time and with reflection. Those are the only reasons that really matter anyhow.

 

Thanks for your input!

 

I guess I have a hard time taking compliments. At first it was flattering, but it just got annoying really fast... but I think him constantly saying it, really drew us further apart. It's as if he interpreted it as...I was too good for him and he was unworthy of me.

 

You're right! I guess it's my tendency to overthink- which is unhealthy, but after thinking about it long and hard-I do have a good idea of what happened bc he had a reaction as if he got caught- very guilty.

 

Ironically, he hurt me even more by not telling me the truth about how he felt to begin with. I came to the realization he intended to hurt me. Since he said I neglected him and he thought he was a rebound... he hurt me by stringing me along so I can get a taste of his pain. I flew over to him for a month and the last week I was there, with no empathy whatsoever he said we were over- no emotion at all. It wasn't until I got him to confess when he visited me, he later said he never wanted me to come. Before I even came over it's like he put on a facade that he loved me. Plain and simple- he got his revenge. Very manipulative! He satisfied his ego's urning. He teared up when he came over to visit after I expressed how hurt I was and what he did to me. All he could say was "I'm sorry"...like he was at a loss for words that I caught on to what he did. I think just being silent will be my best revenge. Let karma take it's course as well

[manifestsunshine]

It sounds like an honest answer to me. He felt inadequate three important ways, and that's hard for a guy. He may have more worthiness issues than he's able to articulate. In order for someone to be able to receive love they have to feel worthy of being loved. It's sad when a person doesn't have that.

 

Usually when a person isn't honest about why they're ending a relationship they will be shifting the blame onto the other person, passively or overtly.

 

Thanks for your help

 

You're right! I think some of his insecurities got the best of him..but in a way though he thought I was stupid enough to fall for his revenge tactic on me. He never told me until I had to get it out of him. He strung me along bc I neglected him and he thought he was a rebound...as if he was worthless. From the beg he would always say we need to be honest and open..so we don't "waste" each other's time. He for sure wasted my time. The irony is that as much as he seemingly didn't want to hurt me, he hurt me to the fullest extent. He is a very articulate but it's like he shut down I guess bc he just didn't care anymore. He truly manipulated me and knew what he was doing.

 

Yeah I def feel like he was hurt and angry at me and projected it onto me by stringing me along. I'm sure he only fueled his ego and got a lot of satisfaction out of it until I caught on and gave him a taste of the damage he caused.

 

I just don't understand if wanted to be friends, why hurt me so badly instead of being upfront and honest to begin with. How could he have thought I could ever trust him again after this? It's like he wasn't thinking at all. I wasted so much time with him. Was so miserable the last week I was there- never felt so betrayed in my life. I'm mad at myself for trusting him. He gave me an invite to contact him if I needed anything and little does he know- I will never reach out to him ever again. All I know is that he can't hurt me anymore

[manifestsunshine]

He likely did have some insecurities, but I think they only play a part in why he ended the relationship. He gave you other valid reasons to break up, which I think he was being honest about.

 

In other words, it's probably a combination of all the reasons you've outlined here. Some insecurity, having fallen out of love, wanting to be free of commitment, wanting to see what else is out there. He might not even be able to articulate them all himself, but unless you two are working on reconciliation, the details about what led to the breakdown of the relationship are not terribly important at this point. I know you are searching for answers, as dumpees naturally do, but acceptance (and healing, in part) comes from understanding that you might never get the definitive answers you're looking for.

 

Thanks for all of your help! :)

 

Yeah I guess talking about it in general is helping me get a sense of relief. I'm just happy I can't get hurt any longer. Can't believe he really thought I would still be friends with him after all of the things he said and put me through. If I accepted, that would just feed his ego. The worst part is that the way he told me how he felt was out of anger, so I know he had bad intentions to hurt me all along. Just feel like I have some PTSD from all this emotional manipulation.

 

I have a good idea of what he did now and that things would never be the same as I have lost his trust fully. I really see right through what he did now which was manipulate me bc he was hurt, and instead of talking to me, he got his revenge by taking it out on me through his actions. He really fooled me and I'm sure he learned his lesson by now. Ignoring him indefinitely will help me feel better

[manifestsunshine]

Yup. His own insecurities allowed him to sabotage the relationship. It sucks because you never say yourself as being so above him & you grew frustrated by his negative opinions but it was not an attempt to soften the blow. It really was him thinking he wasn't good enough

 

Thanks for the confirmation

I know he liked how I challenged him and I know he improved himself gratefully....from vocabulary, health/wellness, and social etiquette. I know he learned a lot from me though. Him constantly belittling himself really got the best of him. I have a feeling this is why he kept me strung along bc I was "useful" to him.

 

He is missing out on mental stimulation but it's his loss. He likes hanging around smarter people I can see, but I doubt he will find someone to fill in this void in the future- someone to challenge him, since he is now working all the time. He is very selective with his friends and I was pretty much his ONLY close friend. He's really arrogant and selfish now...very narcissistic and egotistical. I see how he has changed for the worse and it is such a turn-off. He just doesn't care about anything anymore. I hope one day he wakes up but for now he's a lost soul.

[bathtub-row]

It's been my experience that it often (not always) doesn't work out if the woman is a lot smarter than the guy she's with. However, I'm not so sure he was necessarily intimidated by your smarts as he was impressed by them. You really should stay with guys in the same arena as your intelligence level, or higher.

[shydad]

Do you think his insecurities got the best of him to end things?

Hi manifestsunshine, just based off of what you've said, yes, I think the insecurities could have been the problem, or at least a major contributing factor.

 

Just out of curiosity, how did you feel about the insecurity issues? I've experienced this myself, and eventually the constant reassuring falling on deaf ears became draining and I gave up.

[manifestsunshine]

It's been my experience that it often (not always) doesn't work out if the woman is a lot smarter than the guy she's with. However, I'm not so sure he was necessarily intimidated by your smarts as he was impressed by them. You really should stay with guys in the same arena as your intelligence level, or higher.

 

Thanks for sharing

It's interesting bc I feel like I can't connect as well on a deeper emotional level if they are as intelligent or higher.

I had a really bad experience with someone who was within my intelligence. He became really cocky and arrogant...not exuberating any compatible emotional connection. I don't like people who step over others bc they think they're better than everyone else.

 

I guess it's hard to find the right balance bc those who are "similar" - the mental stimulation is there but it's hard to connect when they lack the emotional level that I'm looking for. I find the ones who are not so similar, I gravitate towards and I'd rather compromise the intelligent factor for emotional. I really like men who have street smarts over book smart. They also have a more humble upbringing, are close to family and are just very warm, gentle and caring.

 

I don't like ungrateful and arrogant people. I like humble people and not prideful people who take things for granted. This entails those who didn't have much growing up and are super appreciative of life. I have noticed a lot of people in the same caliber exhibiting qualities I don't really care for.

 

That's just me though but I'll have to try setting the bar higher to see what I can find. I can see that I am aiming low but it's hard for me to relate to people in general. I'm very picky with friends even. For now I'd rather be a WGTOW lol. At this point, I don't think my mental sanity is worth giving up for another person. I am so fed up with men right now.

 

I've read so many stories and I feel like love is never lasting- it's only temporary bc people change all the time. I feel like investing in friends is the best way to live a happier life.

[bathtub-row]

Yeah, I really get what you're saying. I adore men with high intelligence but he has to be down-to-earth, too. It's tough to find that mix. I also really like street smarts or just slightly above-average intelligence, particularly the entrepreneurial types. There are all kinds of intelligence. I used to be married to a guy who had a really high IQ but he had the emotional IQ of a 2-year-old. I'd rather be with a guy with an above-average intelligence who's nice and driven.

[manifestsunshine]

Hi manifestsunshine, just based off of what you've said, yes, I think the insecurities could have been the problem, or at least a major contributing factor.

 

Just out of curiosity, how did you feel about the insecurity issues? I've experienced this myself, and eventually the constant reassuring falling on deaf ears became draining and I gave up.

 

Thank for the confirmation

 

I agree!....it does becoming draining and the effect of those words of appraisal really loses it's value over time.

 

I had a rough time with the insecurity issues bc it's as if he was engraining this notion that he was "less worthy" and in time it makes you reevaluate if they are really was meant for you.

 

In a way, I think opposites do attract and in my case he had the street smarts and I had the book smarts. I really admired what he brought into the relationship but he never gave himself enough credit. I regret not instilling upon him, his own worth in this relationship as well. I could have done more to bring him up to my level by putting him on a pedestal as well to bring us in a more equilibrium state.

 

I have always been attracted to men who I can connect on an emotional level and it was hard to find that if they are within the same intellectual level. Those who are hard workers and didn't have much to begin with I am attracted to bc I find they more humble and have a greater appreciation for all the small things.

I can relate to their kind-heartedness more.

 

The economic & social class barrier- although undeniably present, it didn't affect the way I looked at him or treated him. It affected him more because he saw what I had and compared it to what he didn't have. He would always bring up our differences, and it made me feel like I was spoiled and should pity myself. In the end, he didn't make me feel good about my situation and it made me feel even guilty at times. I never brought it up and he would always do it. He used my family as a benchmark of what he wanted to achieve in regards to assets...and owning a home. So he left to another state to put a downpayment on a home and resume a mortgage. So I guess we inspired him to achieve his dreams. He lived paycheck to paycheck while I had a good amount of savings, so I think he secretly despised me that I was more financially stable. I guess in the end he realized he couldn't compete with me and be on my level. In the end I think the financial aspect really ate him up bc as a man he wanted to be the provider. Anytime I offered to pay, he wouldn't let me even go halfsies most of the time. I was planning to move with him initially and put a downpayment on a house for "us," but in the end he said " I don't want your money,"...that was very hurtful. He was too prideful. He actually borrowed money from his family in the end and won't really have much money by the new year as he would have to pay them back soon.

 

In regards to social class, he lost his childhood bc he had to work bc his father abandoned his family, so he never had time for himself. He was homeless at one point in his life. I taught him proper etiquette and a lot of things about different intellectual stimulating subjects and expanded his vocabulary. I guess there is a sense of jealousy about our differences in our upbringing. I know as much as I want to empathize about what he went through I will honestly never know how he really felt during that time. I can't relate to him on that level but I never made him feel less than for any reason. It was never my place but I know he would always compare our upbringings, which also made me feel bad at myself.

 

In the end I think everything cumulatively crippled his self-esteem. I'm sure he's feeling better as he is more financially dependent and has a house now. I feel as if I am painted as this evil person, although he was trying to be nice and make me realize how grateful my situation has been- I just feel in a way it made me feel like I was lesser of a person bc I had more than him. Like I was devalued in a way in order for him to make himself feel better as well. I just don't know, but I never felt good.

 

I guess the relationship has always been out of my hands and it was destiny for him to move on in order for him to overcome his insecurities. He used it as a barrier to further separate us...instead of finding a good common ground.

Edited October 26, 2018 by manifestsunshine

[manifestsunshine]

Yeah, I really get what you're saying. I adore men with high intelligence but he has to be down-to-earth, too. It's tough to find that mix. I also really like street smarts or just slightly above-average intelligence, particularly the entrepreneurial types. There are all kinds of intelligence. I used to be married to a guy who had a really high IQ but he had the emotional IQ of a 2-year-old. I'd rather be with a guy with an above-average intelligence who's nice and driven.

 

I agree!..it's most definitely hard to find this ideal balance.

One guy I dated was very similar as well in regards to emotional IQ. I'm sorry to hear about your separation but really believe in infinite possibilities and that the grass is always greener on the other side

 

Haha..yeah so many spectrums of intelligence but for me now..finding someone with good self-esteem and no relationship-breaking insecurities is a must now. Priority #1.

 

I agree with your ideal type but wouldn't mind if they are of same intelligence or a little lower. If they had a tougher upbringing, for me, it may be easier to connect more to them on an emotional level. Someone who appreciates the small things in life and is humble..not arrogant and condescending towards others who aren't of similar social class...respectful towards others, esp strangers. Caring, honest and able to express themselves. Affection and empathy is a big deal as well. I guess this is asking for too much

[shydad]

I regret not instilling upon him, his own worth in this relationship as well. I could have done more...

 

In the end I think the financial aspect really ate him up bc as a man he wanted to be the provider. ...in the end he said " I don't want your money,"...that was very hurtful. ... I guess there is a sense of jealousy about our differences in our upbringing. ... he would always compare our upbringings, which also made me feel bad at myself.

 

...he didn't make me feel good about my situation and it made me feel even guilty at times. ... I just feel in a way it made me feel like I was lesser of a person bc I had more than him. ... I just don't know, but I never felt good.

Hi manifestsunshine, great detail! It sounds like this was a really challenging situation, but I like how you value differences in others. There are three areas I'd like to comment on:

 

1) I really don't think there is anything more you could have done to cause him to feel better. You need to permit yourself to stop feeling any regrets. (Obviously this is easier said than done.)

 

2) Its too late to tell him this, but the advantage of having a woman who is better off than you financially is that she is clearly only interested in YOU, and that's a great situation to be in!

 

3) There is nothing wrong with being prosperous...this is something to feel good about.

[manifestsunshine]

Hi manifestsunshine, great detail! It sounds like this was a really challenging situation, but I like how you value differences in others. There are three areas I'd like to comment on:

 

1) I really don't think there is anything more you could have done to cause him to feel better. You need to permit yourself to stop feeling any regrets. (Obviously this is easier said than done.)

 

2) Its too late to tell him this, but the advantage of having a woman who is better off than you financially is that she is clearly only interested in YOU, and that's a great situation to be in!

 

3) There is nothing wrong with being prosperous...this is something to feel good about.

 

Thank you for your wisdom

 

1) I really think you're right! I saw Crazy, Rich Asians and the affluent sister marries a local man and he eventually cheats on her bc he feels unworthy of being with her. It's crazy how this notion parallels my situation but I get how it makes sense. His insecurities got the best of him. She would hide her tangible items from him to not make him feel bad but eventually after he left, she was able to be herself and wear what she wanted. Interestingly, I feel like I'm finding myself again bc I had to be selective of what I said so he didn't feel dumb, and didn't want to wear certain clothes bc it didn't complement his.

 

2) Crazy how he interprets it that he is a rebound and he is unworthy. I agree with your stmt though! If only he thought that way. In the end though he wanted to have that role as a main provider and I'm sure it was really belittling and he was ego struck. He is very prideful.

 

3) I agree, but I guess he twisted it in a way that made me second-guess myself. I think he was always jealous of what I had and what he didn't and it eroded his self-esteem. I realize that dating in different social/economic classes may not be the best anymore if this is bound to happen again. Maybe it only works if it's the man that's on top, but not the women.