Found Out She's With a New Guy

[helloladies21]

I ended it with my recent ex at the end of July because she put up a wall and started ignoring me, being dis-affectionate, and detached for 2 weeks. I tried to talk to her about it, but there was no breaking through. She was fine to let me walk out the door. This was the second time she had done this. Even though I am the dumper, I've felt like the dumpee since she pulled away and essentially forced the break up. Since then, it's been tough to get over her. I tried to reach out to her a few times with no response. The last time was a month ago when I essentially told her I was letting her go. Since then I haven't checked her Facebook, went into strict No Contact, and continued dating other girls.

 

Today I woke up to an accepted friend request, that I had cancelled, for one of her friends I met once. As I was scrolling through her pictures, I saw a comment left by my ex and it had a new picture. It was of her with a new guy. I clicked to make sure it wasn't some friend, or relative, etc. It is definitely a new bf. It seems like she is going zero to 60 with this guy at light speed just like she did with me. I'm pretty stunned by it.

 

One thing that's made it so difficult to move on the past few months, is the lack of any kind of response. Is her silence a sign that she moved on? Or is she just so bottled up because she is damaged while still having feelings for me? I could make assumptions, but there was no way for me to fully fool myself into believing the former. I'm hoping this is the final piece I needed to see in order to move on for good.

[PegNosePete]

You are dating other girls but you're "stunned" that she's got a new BF? Umm...?

 

Her silence is a sign that she doesn't want you in her life any more. Can you blame her? You did dump her after all. Or she forced you to, or whatever... the relationship is over and she's made it clear she doesn't want any contact.

 

That's all there is to it. You need to stop wondering what she's up to and what her emotional state is. It doesn't matter one jot to you or your life, because she's not part of it. Now unfriend her friend and reset the NC timer to 0 days.

[stillafool]

I ended it with my recent ex at the end of July because she put up a wall and started ignoring me, being dis-affectionate, and detached for 2 weeks. I tried to talk to her about it, but there was no breaking through. She was fine to let me walk out the door. This was the second time she had done this. Even though I am the dumper, I've felt like the dumpee since she pulled away and essentially forced the break up. Since then, it's been tough to get over her. I tried to reach out to her a few times with no response. The last time was a month ago when I essentially told her I was letting her go. Since then I haven't checked her Facebook, went into strict No Contact, and continued dating other girls. {snip}

 

She didn't force the breakup, you broke up with her. To be fair she was probably thinking the relationship was no longer working and she wasn't feeling it for you anymore. So breaking up with her saved her the dirty work. I doubt she had this bf back then but probably met him after the break. She may be the type who likes the high you get from new love and then gets bored when the relationship settles in. She will probably bore of this guy to at some point and move on to another. One thing is for sure and that is that she didn't try to come back to you so now it's time for you to move on.

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rkrofta]

I’m going through the same think. I dumped my GF for the same reason. She never reached out once and won’t return text messages or phone calls. What’s crazy is that she has not blocked me on any social media and she keeps her Facebook profile pic of us after 2.5 months of being broken up

[sabaton]

I ended it with my recent ex at the end of July because she put up a wall and started ignoring me, being dis-affectionate, and detached for 2 weeks. I tried to talk to her about it, but there was no breaking through. She was fine to let me walk out the door. This was the second time she had done this. Even though I am the dumper, I've felt like the dumpee since she pulled away and essentially forced the break up. Since then, it's been tough to get over her. I tried to reach out to her a few times with no response. The last time was a month ago when I essentially told her I was letting her go. Since then I haven't checked her Facebook, went into strict No Contact, and continued dating other girls. {snip}

 

 

You dumped her. You checked out of the relationship, and you are dating other women. Why are you concerned about her dating other men when you had the girl as your girlfriend and you dumped her in the first place???

 

Her silence is a dead giveaway that she has moved on and has no interest in getting back together with you.

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Breaking up with someone is not something you can just take back and say you didn't mean it and pick up back where you left off.

Breaking up is a serious thing and whilst some may reconcile it is rarely ever the same again without a whole load of work.

The trust is lost, the bonds are broken, and few want to try again.

You broke up with this girl, she shows no signs of wanting anything to do with you, never mind wanting you back and she has now moved on.

I think it is perfectly plain " Or is she just so bottled up because she is damaged while still having feelings for me?" is not true.

 

When things get bad or difficult with someone you have feelings for, it is always best to try and work them out within the relationship rather than break up or suggest "breaks", as the chances are high that you will lose them all together.

[Simple Logic]

Why are people shocked after a breakup their ex is dating? Were the supposed to become a nun?

[helloladies21]

Breaking up with someone is not something you can just take back and say you didn't mean it and pick up back where you left off.

Breaking up is a serious thing and whilst some may reconcile it is rarely ever the same again without a whole load of work.

The trust is lost, the bonds are broken, and few want to try again.

You broke up with this girl, she shows no signs of wanting anything to do with you, never mind wanting you back and she has now moved on.

I think it is perfectly plain " Or is she just so bottled up because she is damaged while still having feelings for me?" is not true.

 

When things get bad or difficult with someone you have feelings for, it is always best to try and work them out within the relationship rather than break up or suggest "breaks", as the chances are high that you will lose them all together.

 

I don't take back breaking up with her. She was treating me terribly. I couldn't sleep, had to force myself to eat. My entire day was consumed with thinking about how terrible I was feeling. As I stated, I tried to have serious conversations with her about it. I was unhappy with her responses, so I broke it off. I don't regret ending it.

 

Most of the advice on this thread has been pretty terrible. I broke things off because I was being mistreated. My emotional attachment to her hadn't been severed yet, so finding out she moved on hurt. What's so astonishing about that?

 

So I will go ahead and give myself the right advice: You did the right thing by breaking it off. You treated her great, but her issues got in the way of the relationship and there was nothing you could have done about it. You exhausted all options. Your feelings for her will continue to die down as time passes. It's happened before and it will happen again. In the meantime, stay busy, get out there, and continue to date until you find someone who pulls your attention away from her. It only takes one conversation with the right girl to make this ex a distant mystery.

[stillafool]

The way she was treating you was not right and I doubt it would have improved. I think you did the right thing by dumping her.

[helloladies21]

The way she was treating you was not right and I doubt it would have improved. I think you did the right thing by dumping her.

 

It definitely would not have improved. I'm certain of that. This girl has some serious issues. Aside from having a difficult childhood, she is still not over her divorce that occurred three years ago. I don't know what can be done to help her at this point (some type of treatment?), but it's out of my hands. That's really the end of the story. We won't be getting back together again.

 

I just have to give myself time to let my emotions cool.

[Fekenaws]

She's had enough time to move on from you. She is probably in her honeymoon phase, and to top it off you haven't had any contact from her since then. I'd just maintain no contact and move on.

[SophieG]

My ex broke up with me in May after 4 years of relationship. The second he left the apartment, the only thing I felt was relief. I didn't cry a single tear (I cried so much in the last month of our relationship), didn't feel any sadness, simply relief. So as heartless as it seem, I was over it as soon as it ended... I believe that I grieved while I was still with him.

A week after the break, I had a date with a guy, it lasted 3 weeks but didn't lead anywhere. 1.5 months after the break, I met someone and it just clicked. We've been together since, so almost 6 months.

My ex still sent messages and kept coming by the apartment after the break, but I was holding my ground and didn't want to have anything to do with him... it was over. I was not damaged, didn't have any feelings for him except indifference. I deleted him from my Facebook, but he was still friends with my friends and family, so he found out I was dating again. He had a major fit, called me names and everything because he couldn't believe I was able to forget our relationship that fast. To this day, he's still sending messages from time to time, but my silence only means one thing : I moved on. Period.

[SevenCity]

I don't take back breaking up with her. She was treating me terribly. I couldn't sleep, had to force myself to eat. My entire day was consumed with thinking about how terrible I was feeling. As I stated, I tried to have serious conversations with her about it. I was unhappy with her responses, so I broke it off. I don't regret ending it.

 

Most of the advice on this thread has been pretty terrible. I broke things off because I was being mistreated. My emotional attachment to her hadn't been severed yet, so finding out she moved on hurt. What's so astonishing about that?

 

So I will go ahead and give myself the right advice: You did the right thing by breaking it off. You treated her great, but her issues got in the way of the relationship and there was nothing you could have done about it. You exhausted all options. Your feelings for her will continue to die down as time passes. It's happened before and it will happen again. In the meantime, stay busy, get out there, and continue to date until you find someone who pulls your attention away from her. It only takes one conversation with the right girl to make this ex a distant mystery.

 

That is absolutely the best advice you can give yourself. It can be frustrating when you want things to work out and exhaust all options.

 

Keep dating other women and you'll find someone who makes you forget her.

[ChatroomHero]

I don't take back breaking up with her. She was treating me terribly. I couldn't sleep, had to force myself to eat. My entire day was consumed with thinking about how terrible I was feeling. As I stated, I tried to have serious conversations with her about it. I was unhappy with her responses, so I broke it off. I don't regret ending it.

 

Most of the advice on this thread has been pretty terrible. I broke things off because I was being mistreated. My emotional attachment to her hadn't been severed yet, so finding out she moved on hurt. What's so astonishing about that?

 

So I will go ahead and give myself the right advice: You did the right thing by breaking it off. You treated her great, but her issues got in the way of the relationship and there was nothing you could have done about it. You exhausted all options. Your feelings for her will continue to die down as time passes. It's happened before and it will happen again. In the meantime, stay busy, get out there, and continue to date until you find someone who pulls your attention away from her. It only takes one conversation with the right girl to make this ex a distant mystery.

 

 

Seems like you were looking for confirmation that you were the good guy and doing the right thing and she was the bad one, but your original post didn't ask about that. It asked:

 

 

Is her silence a sign that she moved on? Or is she just so bottled up because she is damaged while still having feelings for me?

 

Here's the thing, maybe she was the bad guy maybe you were, but either way you broke up with her because it wasn't working. Then you reached out and she didn't respond or when she did, you didn't like her answers. Basically she was not that interested and did not value you and is happy to move on.

 

 

You on the other hand wanted her to feel something or show some kind of regret to you personally. You wanted some kind of closure where she would indicate to you in some way that she messed up, felt bad, knew she blew it and missed out on you...whatever. You're not going to get it because that is not what she feels. She was happy to move on and of course she is going to date other people and she is not invested so she likely doesn't think about you at all.

 

 

You went NC for a reason and then you broke it by seeing/investigating that picture. There is a reason that NC works, you don't have to see the other person happy and thriving without you. When they creep into your mind, you can imagine them being lonely and regretting what they did to you, whatever fantasy you want to help you sleep at night.

 

 

Stay NC. Don't worry about who she is with or what she is doing. Realize you will never get closure. You made your decision to dump her because she treated you bad so be happy you want better but wasting time wanting her to suffer, apologize or be unhappy is just that, a waste of time.

[preraph]

She's done. Sounds like it was over even before it came to a head. She was probably relieved when it happened. She's moved on. She clearly doesn't want to talk to you. I'm puzzled why you're puzzled, honestly. She wasn't happy, you dumped her, she moved on with her life.

[helloladies21]

She's had enough time to move on from you. She is probably in her honeymoon phase, and to top it off you haven't had any contact from her since then. I'd just maintain no contact and move on.

 

I certainly plan on doing that. I won't reach out to her ever again and she won't reach out to me. There's better out there for me.

[helloladies21]

but my silence only means one thing : I moved on. Period.

 

Different people can mean different things by silence. Also, men and women can mean silence differently.

 

To give more background, this ex and I split up originally in February/March. There was silence for 3 months until she reached out to me again on night and temporarily burrowed her way back into my life. I was certain she was done back then, but I was wrong.

 

This time is different though. No response by her to my contacts and the new guy all point to her being done for good. I can have no doubt about it this time.

[helloladies21]

That is absolutely the best advice you can give yourself. It can be frustrating when you want things to work out and exhaust all options.

 

Keep dating other women and you'll find someone who makes you forget her.

 

Thanks for the back up. I feel a lot better these days, since my original post was almost two and a half months ago. I started breaking through at the end of November and don't have the heavy heart I once did. Even though I am swamped with work, I have a chance to dip my foot in the dating pool every so often and it feels fine. I'll keep pressing on.

 

One thing I would say about my current dating life is that I need to talk to more girls and more girls that I'm really into. It will mean more rejection, but it's the only way I'm going to find what I'm looking for.

[helloladies21]

Seems like you were looking for confirmation that you were the good guy and doing the right thing and she was the bad one, but your original post didn't ask about that. It asked:

 

 

Is her silence a sign that she moved on? Or is she just so bottled up because she is damaged while still having feelings for me?

 

Here's the thing, maybe she was the bad guy maybe you were, but either way you broke up with her because it wasn't working. Then you reached out and she didn't respond or when she did, you didn't like her answers. Basically she was not that interested and did not value you and is happy to move on.

 

 

You on the other hand wanted her to feel something or show some kind of regret to you personally. You wanted some kind of closure where she would indicate to you in some way that she messed up, felt bad, knew she blew it and missed out on you...whatever. You're not going to get it because that is not what she feels. She was happy to move on and of course she is going to date other people and she is not invested so she likely doesn't think about you at all.

 

 

You went NC for a reason and then you broke it by seeing/investigating that picture. There is a reason that NC works, you don't have to see the other person happy and thriving without you. When they creep into your mind, you can imagine them being lonely and regretting what they did to you, whatever fantasy you want to help you sleep at night.

 

 

Stay NC. Don't worry about who she is with or what she is doing. Realize you will never get closure. You made your decision to dump her because she treated you bad so be happy you want better but wasting time wanting her to suffer, apologize or be unhappy is just that, a waste of time.

 

This advice is incorrect. I don't want to see her suffer or have any specific reaction. Her suffering wouldn't benefit me. If she reacted, it would have clued me in to he intentions or state of mind sooner, but I would have eventually let her go no matter what, as I have. My heart isn't heavy with her anymore and I got there without any response from her.

[Purepony]

I understand what you mean and what you feel.

 

You did have an informal break up it seems and it’s diffuculy to believe and see that after so much time things can end just like you two never even met.

 

The reality is it hurts.

 

My last 8 year relationship ended the similar to yours, it was informal and I didn’t reply and she still has not.

 

At the end of the day I no longer think about her or what could have been... I mean I miss her sometimes but I really do know it’s for the best and that took me so long to accept because I really thought it would always work out no matter what.

 

It’s heart breaking to look back but it’s also exciting to see what the future can hold. Don’t bother stalking her on social media and if possible delete or deactivate your accounts so you can move on with more ease

 

Stay on the right course and you’ll be yourself again real soon

[SevenCity]

Thanks for the back up. I feel a lot better these days, since my original post was almost two and a half months ago. I started breaking through at the end of November and don't have the heavy heart I once did. Even though I am swamped with work, I have a chance to dip my foot in the dating pool every so often and it feels fine. I'll keep pressing on.

 

One thing I would say about my current dating life is that I need to talk to more girls and more girls that I'm really into. It will mean more rejection, but it's the only way I'm going to find what I'm looking for.

 

That's a great attitude. As Corey Wayne says, "You have to get through the Nos to get to the Yeses".

 

Keep talking to and dating as many women as you can and you will find the right one.

[helloladies21]

You did have an informal break up it seems and it’s diffuculy to believe and see that after so much time things can end just like you two never even met.

 

I apologize, I should have been more descriptive; it was definitely a formal breakup. After she ignored me on and off for 2 weeks, I drove up to her house and ended it with her. The conversation was kind of convoluted on her end, but she certainly admitted that she is/was not over her ex-husband. I could tell from our first go around that she wasn't over him. I don't play second place to any man, so I had no choice but to ask for my key back and left. I dropped off her things on her front porch in the middle of the night and the break up was complete.

 

It’s heart breaking to look back but it’s also exciting to see what the future can hold. Don’t bother stalking her on social media and if possible delete or deactivate your accounts so you can move on with more ease

 

I haven't looked at her profile since middle of October. I don't plan to look either. I'm strong enough to withstand that.

 

Stay on the right course and you’ll be yourself again real soon

 

I appreciate that mate. I feel a lot better. I think the only thing holding me back is finding someone good to completely erase the memory of the feeling I had, even if it was just for a short while.

[helloladies21]

That's a great attitude. As Corey Wayne says, "You have to get through the Nos to get to the Yeses".

 

Keep talking to and dating as many women as you can and you will find the right one.

 

Personally, I am not a fan of Corey, although I do follow a few PUAs/life coaches pretty deeply. Todd Valentine is my favorite.

 

This is a good line though.