Coping With Addictive Emotions

[NotADayGoesBy]

It's been three months since my emotional affair ended, and I am still coping with intense addictive feelings. Not just missing him, but at times I would describe it as an 'itchy' feeling, and anxious. It takes all my self restraint to not go to him to talk to him. Yesterday and today have been especially difficult.

 

I realize that not being able to have NC is making this worse (we work together). How did you cope with these awful, intense emotions? I am seeing an IC once every two weeks, exercise 6 days a week, journal, come here, in general have kept busy, and am trying to reconnect to husband. Thanks to advice in another thread I tell myself, "he's just a guy you work with" and "this is about your ego and the addiction" over and over. Maybe it's all helping overall, but it sure doesn't feel like it on days like this where I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I feel so ridiculous that I can't control these feelings when my rational brain knows he is no prize. I feel like since the EA only lasted 4 months I should be over it by now but I'm not, not by a long shot.

 

I kind of get now why people self harm with cutting, etc. I don't plan on starting any of that, but I see how it is a distraction/temporary relief from the intense emotional pain. I've had my heart broken before, but it was nothing like this.

[ABernie]

I read that Tylenol actually helps to dull heartache. I did try and it does help, but not fully.

 

It took antidepressants for me. Within a few days, I felt like my old self. I'm happy because I was on them when he broke NC. Hopefully I will be able to ween off them soon.

[whatcomesnext]

Went through the same thing. That part of it will eventually get better but it takes awhile. The withdrawal symptoms. Like a drug addict who craves the fix. Physically and emotionally it feels the same, though I can’t say I know what it feels like to withdraw from a drug. I actually think this is worse and symptoms last longer. Takes longer to get over the heartbreak. My EA was longer than yours and ended 16 months ago. Only now starting to feel halfway normal. But the itch for the fix went away within 6 or 7 months for me. The sadness and sense of loss never really left but have gotten better.

[Bittersweetie]

Some things that helped me...

 

Whenever xAP popped in my head I would tell myself, I'll think about him tomorrow. Then refocus my mind elsewhere. And then when it would happen again, I'd just think, tomorrow. There were a lot of tomorrows at first but they did start to abate.

 

This was after my d-day so also when xAP would come into my head, I'd redirect my mind to ask, how were these thoughts helping me, how were these thoughts helping my husband. So I reframed my thoughts to become more constructive.

 

I also didn't focus on the "good" of the affair...I would focus on the negatives. Therefore my thoughts of xAP started to become tainted, and didn't make me feel good, so they became less and less.

 

Finally I recognized that thoughts of xAP were to give me a fix, a good feeling, especially when I was drowning in pain and sorrow in real life. So I would replace how to get the fix...sometimes it was a walk, sometimes it was chocolate, sometimes a glass of wine (but not too much). So when I wanted a "fix" I had other options instead of thinking about xAP.

 

Hope this helps. I think it really is about re-training your mind, which doesn't happen overnight but can be done. Good luck.

[NotADayGoesBy]

 

It took antidepressants for me. Within a few days, I felt like my old self. I'm happy because I was on them when he broke NC. Hopefully I will be able to ween off them soon.

 

Someone in another thread suggested 5-HTP so I am going to try that first. This sounds so vain and awful, but I've been trying to avoid antidepressants because of the weight gain side effects. About 2 years ago I gained weight when I developed hypothyroidism (and didn't know it--I finally got diagnosed and got meds). I finally lost most of it due to dealing with all this emotional upset/using exercise as a coping tool, and am afraid to gain it back. I can finally fit in all my clothes again, which is a relief.

 

Interesting about the Tylenol, I'd never heard that.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Some things that helped me...

 

Whenever xAP popped in my head I would tell myself, I'll think about him tomorrow. Then refocus my mind elsewhere. And then when it would happen again, I'd just think, tomorrow. There were a lot of tomorrows at first but they did start to abate.

 

This was after my d-day so also when xAP would come into my head, I'd redirect my mind to ask, how were these thoughts helping me, how were these thoughts helping my husband. So I reframed my thoughts to become more constructive.

 

I also didn't focus on the "good" of the affair...I would focus on the negatives. Therefore my thoughts of xAP started to become tainted, and didn't make me feel good, so they became less and less.

 

Finally I recognized that thoughts of xAP were to give me a fix, a good feeling, especially when I was drowning in pain and sorrow in real life. So I would replace how to get the fix...sometimes it was a walk, sometimes it was chocolate, sometimes a glass of wine (but not too much). So when I wanted a "fix" I had other options instead of thinking about xAP.

 

Hope this helps. I think it really is about re-training your mind, which doesn't happen overnight but can be done. Good luck.

 

Thanks Bittersweetie. Yes, I feel like a Pavlov dog, trying to retrain myself to not have certain responses re: xMM. I spent a long time having a crush on him before we crossed the line, and I am dismayed to realize just how long (over a year) I have spent thinking about him, fantasizing about him, looking to see if his car is in the parking lot, or if he's in his office, etc. It's so hard to get out of those habits/thought patterns. It makes it so much harder that he's in my face at least 4 days a week until the beginning of December. I'm hoping once this project is over I can go at least a month-6 weeks without any contact, thanks to the holidays.

[NotADayGoesBy]

My EA was longer than yours and ended 16 months ago. Only now starting to feel halfway normal. But the itch for the fix went away within 6 or 7 months for me. The sadness and sense of loss never really left but have gotten better.

 

Whatcomesnext, I'm sorry to hear you've been through this too. And this is what I was afraid of...that it was going to take a lot longer than I planned (I read somewhere it takes 11 weeks, so it was a let down to discover that 11 weeks wasn't going to be enough). I guess I thought that since we never had sex it would somehow be easier to get over.

[Amethyst68]

I don't know if your BS is aware of your aware but three is a new thread over in the infidelity forum started by a BH whose wife is having an EA with her boss.

 

 

You may want to take a look, just to reinforce what may happen if your relax your new boundaries!

[misspalmy]

It took a year to come right. Then did a silly thing ended back in bed again with him. Im 12 weeks pregnant to him

 

It does get better. just remeber the pain now so if he ever comes back you know hes better not to xx

[whatcomesnext]

Whatcomesnext, I'm sorry to hear you've been through this too. And this is what I was afraid of...that it was going to take a lot longer than I planned (I read somewhere it takes 11 weeks, so it was a let down to discover that 11 weeks wasn't going to be enough). I guess I thought that since we never had sex it would somehow be easier to get over.

 

I think it all depends on the individual circumstances and what the relationship represented to you. I’m sure it doesn’t take the same length of time for everyone, but I’ve come to believe there is no such thing as “normal.” It’s only what works for you. And for some people it’s harder to let go than others. I actually think not having had sex made it worse because there were so many “what ifs.” I felt so much love and passion for him and the relationship ended at the height of those feelings without them ever having been consummated or experienced or even validated. It’s a different kind of sense of loss when it ends at a moment when the feelings are so heightened, and you are in a world that is part reality and part fantasy (or where you think fantasy can be reality) and then it’s just over. My MM also ended things quite abruptly and cruelly. It was akin to being ghosted and gaslighted. He one day just decided to erase our relationship. I still see him about once a week but we are like strangers now. It was a very hurtful way of ending things. I think that has exacerbated the amount of pain I’ve felt, the amount of time it’s taken me to recover and how haunted I’ve been by the whole thing. I have been going to IC, keeping busy, working on my M. It’s gotten better but this whole experience will always be a part of me. A very confusing part, trying to understand why this person meant so much to me, why I felt things so intensely for the first time in my life (both intensely good feelings like love, and intensely bad feelings like wanting to harm or kill myself over the whole thing). It’s very hard to process. Trying to work it all out one day at a time. I hope that doesn’t sound as awful as it probably does. It does get better. Even if it takes a long time. Sometimes time is what is necessary to distance yourself from it. And time is what it is. Can’t be sped up.

[jah526]

A couple of thoughts have helped me (and by the sounds of it, I have every bit of the obsession you do):

 

1. I learned that every time I went back to him he'd take me back. I extrapolated from that to the belief that every time I go back to him he'll take me back. This may seem like a counterintuitive reason for me staying away, but I started questioning why he'd take me back every time. The reason I came up with is that it really doesn't matter much to him. If I'm there, great, if not, great. He doesn't care how much it hurts me, or anyone else. He just doesn't care, and I don't want someone who doesn't care.

 

2. If I go back things will be good initially and then I will be punished for having stayed away so long.

 

3. I think about a post on here from the perspective of a MM who was also a player. He thought of the women who came back to him after he tried something as basically stupid, and seemed to have much more respect for the ones who never came back. Maybe it's vain of me, but I don't want to be the stupid one.

[ABernie]

Someone in another thread suggested 5-HTP so I am going to try that first. This sounds so vain and awful, but I've been trying to avoid antidepressants because of the weight gain side effects. About 2 years ago I gained weight when I developed hypothyroidism (and didn't know it--I finally got diagnosed and got meds). I finally lost most of it due to dealing with all this emotional upset/using exercise as a coping tool, and am afraid to gain it back. I can finally fit in all my clothes again, which is a relief.

 

Interesting about the Tylenol, I'd never heard that.

 

I have never been underweight. I've always hovered around the BMI 24 range. I dropped 25 pounds after D-Day until now. I was always a stress eater, this was completely different. I think this was another reason my IC thought antidepressants would be good for me. My Physical Therapist even mentioned my weight. I'm now BMI 21 and while I'm not dropping as fast, it's still about a pound a week.

 

I don't have hypothyroidism, but I do get nodules on my thyroid, so I'm hyper vigilant too.

[briarpatch]

Retraining your brain does work and so does the Scarlett O'hara mentioned here ("I'll think about that tomorrow"). I've done the same...and seriously, thinking of the negative, giving yourself a later date to think about him..

 

See, in my twisted mind if I worked with my XAP I would make a point to be happy, look great, feel my best every day just for spite..but really for yourself.. if you fake happiness and having it together enough it starts to become real. So, go buy yourself something cute, have your hair done, go to work and think about him after..let's say.. afternoon Halloween. TRY IT.

[ABernie]

See, in my twisted mind if I worked with my XAP I would make a point to be happy, look great, feel my best every day just for spite..but really for yourself.. if you fake happiness and having it together enough it starts to become real. So, go buy yourself something cute, have your hair done, go to work and think about him after..let's say.. afternoon Halloween. TRY IT.

 

I don't work with AP, but for the last 3 months I have been just upping everything up a notch. Even when I felt the lowest of the low. I found retail therapy made me feel good. Even if it's just going through the discount racks and trying things on.

[treehugger12]

I think it all depends on the individual circumstances and what the relationship represented to you. I’m sure it doesn’t take the same length of time for everyone, but I’ve come to believe there is no such thing as “normal.” It’s only what works for you. And for some people it’s harder to let go than others. I actually think not having had sex made it worse because there were so many “what ifs.” I felt so much love and passion for him and the relationship ended at the height of those feelings without them ever having been consummated or experienced or even validated. It’s a different kind of sense of loss when it ends at a moment when the feelings are so heightened, and you are in a world that is part reality and part fantasy (or where you think fantasy can be reality) and then it’s just over. My MM also ended things quite abruptly and cruelly. It was akin to being ghosted and gaslighted. He one day just decided to erase our relationship. I still see him about once a week but we are like strangers now. It was a very hurtful way of ending things. I think that has exacerbated the amount of pain I’ve felt, the amount of time it’s taken me to recover and how haunted I’ve been by the whole thing. I have been going to IC, keeping busy, working on my M. It’s gotten better but this whole experience will always be a part of me. A very confusing part, trying to understand why this person meant so much to me, why I felt things so intensely for the first time in my life (both intensely good feelings like love, and intensely bad feelings like wanting to harm or kill myself over the whole thing). It’s very hard to process. Trying to work it all out one day at a time. I hope that doesn’t sound as awful as it probably does. It does get better. Even if it takes a long time. Sometimes time is what is necessary to distance yourself from it. And time is what it is. Can’t be sped up.

 

 

I so feel all of yours pain. My MM also ghosted me after a 3 week fling that absolutely crushed me and left me so confused and hurt. Mine happened a year and a half ago and I've gone through all what your all going through. I occasionally work with my MM, which really made it harder getting over. I had severe anxiety and very depressed which was totally out of the norm for me. I have never been addicted to anything let alone a guy. I am a very strong hard working woman, late 40's and I couldn't believe what was happening to me. I did see my Doctor and she did give me mild anti anxiety medication I could take whenever I felt it coming on which pretty much was the times I knew Id be seeing him. It helped out, I too was worried with taking anti depressants for weight gain. I worked real hard the last few years to get in shape and I thought no way am I going to gain the weight back because of him. I also found an all natural called "Calm" I found it at Sprouts, not sure you have that, Im sure you can order it on Amazon. That helped me also, I got in a powder form I could just put in my water bottle. That too helped. Unfortunatly it is going to take time. It took me a year for my heart to heal. I think what helped me was because I knew we sometimes had to work together, I made a huge effort to act like I was not affected and to be friends with him, we have talked about it a few times by text, I mostly did not want things to be weird with us, I knew in my heart I just needed to forgive him so him and I would be good. I did have the opportunity a few times afterwards but I never let it happen again. For the most part my heart is healed but if I get to thinking about him, it stings and hurts my heart sometimes. Sometimes we have to text for work and he will throw a little sext in there and I just ignore, I think he likes to test the waters at times. He will never have a piece of me again.

 

 

Praying for a speedy recovery for you.

Big hugs to you and know your not alone.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I actually think not having had sex made it worse because there were so many “what ifs.” I felt so much love and passion for him and the relationship ended at the height of those feelings without them ever having been consummated or experienced or even validated. It’s a different kind of sense of loss when it ends at a moment when the feelings are so heightened, and you are in a world that is part reality and part fantasy (or where you think fantasy can be reality) and then it’s just over. My MM also ended things quite abruptly and cruelly. It was akin to being ghosted and gaslighted. He one day just decided to erase our relationship.

 

Yes, I agree. I have read in other threads "concentrate on the bad" but we never got to the 'bad' part (fights, etc.) so all I am left with are these incredible, passionate, intense feelings that got cut off and I don't know what to do with them. I'm sorry he did that to you, that is awful. Mine admitted he was already in an affair and that's why it ended. I've had feelings before for people who didn't like me back, but this was so confusing because if felt mutual and it was all so intense, and we were also friends. I don't have a lot of close friends so I really miss the friendship too. Ugh, the whole thing is such a mess I just want to be 'done' but I guess I just have to wait it out.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Retraining your brain does work and so does the Scarlett O'hara mentioned here ("I'll think about that tomorrow"). I've done the same...and seriously, thinking of the negative, giving yourself a later date to think about him..

 

See, in my twisted mind if I worked with my XAP I would make a point to be happy, look great, feel my best every day just for spite..but really for yourself.. if you fake happiness and having it together enough it starts to become real. So, go buy yourself something cute, have your hair done, go to work and think about him after..let's say.. afternoon Halloween. TRY IT.

 

I laughed when I read this, because even though it may be petty of me, I have tried my best to do all of this (except for not thinking of him part). This is the best I've looked in a long while, so I've made the most of it, especially since I know he's still attracted to me. I'm trying my best to not look like I feel on the inside (God that is a frightening thought). I also try to take comfort in the fact that he looks every minute of his age, whereas I look a few years younger than mine.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Sometimes we have to text for work and he will throw a little sext in there and I just ignore, I think he likes to test the waters at times. He will never have a piece of me again.

 

 

Praying for a speedy recovery for you.

Big hugs to you and know your not alone.

 

Thanks Treehugger, and kudos to you for being strong. I can't believe he does this to you--what an ass.

 

Thank you to everyone who has chimed in. It really helps to have the support of others who have gone through the same thing. I thought I was going off the deep end with everything I was feeling because I'm normally not like this at all and very status quo. I have turned into someone I don't even recognize and it's been such a strain to hide it all.

[Bittersweetie]

Yes, I agree. I have read in other threads "concentrate on the bad" but we never got to the 'bad' part (fights, etc.) so all I am left with are these incredible, passionate, intense feelings that got cut off and I don't know what to do with them.

 

I didn't have a whole lot of "bad" moments either. But the reality is, as a WW (which you are as well), the whole thing was bad. When I would think back about some incredible, passionate moment we had...I'd then think, where was my H when I was doing this? Where was his wife? Where was his kids?

 

Every time I had an "incredible" moment with my xAP, my H was somewhere working, living, without a clue on what I was doing at that moment when I was cheating. THAT is what made my thoughts of xAP tainted. Does that make sense? Thoughts of my xAP became tainted not because of him and his behavior, but of MY OWN behavior and choices that hurt other people.