Mismatched Drives and lack of intimacy

[TiredofTheSame]

It's been quite a bit of time since I have been here - so long in fact that I forgot my credentials and had to re-register.

 

Back story - DW and I have been married for 7 years, together for approximately 12. Both in our mid-30's. We have two children (3 & 4). DW has a career however has taken a break to stay home and raise the kids. We have had our fair share of ups and downs over the past 12 years and now seem to be completely stuck in a rut of not being happy.

 

The biggest issue for me is our lack of intimacy and our overall communication. DW developed some complications with the second pregnancy that resulted in not being able to have intercourse for the second half of the pregnancy, and our sex life has never recovered. I was very understanding during this time and did not put any pressure on my wife at all.

 

Prior to the kids we were both practically insatiable. We had an awesome and adventurous sex life which we were both satisfied with. Fast forward to now, and we have literally been arguing about it since the second child was born.

 

After the second baby she developed post-partum depression and is currently taking anti-depressants. I am fully aware that one of the side effects is low sex drive. Well she has absolutely zero.

 

Our sex life has turned into basically "duty sex" where we do actually have sex 1-2 times per week - she does cross the finish line but sometimes it takes quite a bit of time (most likely due to the meds). Additionally there are very rigid rules - has to be directly after her shower, basically no foreplay except enough for me to "get ready", and as soon as she's done I'm expected to finish quickly, the session is over, and its downstairs to watch tv.

 

The issue that I have been trying to explain to her is that this is not enough of a connection for me. I would like more foreplay, exploring each other like we used to, maybe just MAYBE a second round in the same night, perhaps laying in bed for a little while after. I don't know it just feels like I am missing the intimate connection with her. Her solution to this problem has been to increase the quantity of sex (like 3-4 times a week), but I have explained countless times that it's not the quantity, the issue is that we are not "connecting".

 

She accuses me of not initiating, well whenever I do the results are usually worse than the "duty sex", ie just get it over with and get your thing done followed by an attitude after. While I appreciate that she is trying to please me sexually, she's completely missing what I am after and everyone knows that one-sided sex is not great for either party.

 

It got to the breaking point last night where she told me she felt like it was a job to keep me satisfied. I realize that this is definitely part of the problem. I believe that she is trying, but it's pretty half hearted and blatantly obvious that she has no interest at all in sex or intimacy.

 

We are currently in MC, and have been for a while but it doesn't seem to be helping things.

 

Reading through the topics with similar issues seems pretty bleak. I'm hoping that someone may be able to offer me some advice here. TIA

[olivetree]

Your wife is actually making a lot of effort despite not feeling it at all. I get her stance. I'm pregnant and have lost my sex drive. I admit I'm not as fun in bed but I still participate weekly for my fiance. He under stands this is temporary.

 

However, you can't really fake being horny and getting into it. So she is really trying to give you quantity while feeling like absolute crap. She could just say no entirely.

 

My advice? Cut her some slack. Pregnancy is so hard on the body - something men will never understand. And her reward for carrying and pushing out your children was depression. It should be temporary and once she is through it her libido may return. Be patient.

 

As for your communication issues, it's good you're seeing a counsellor together. My recommendation for couples therapy is EFT - emotionally focused couples therapy. Look it up. It has the highest efficacy out there.

[TiredofTheSame]

Your wife is actually making a lot of effort despite not feeling it at all. I get her stance. I'm pregnant and have lost my sex drive. I admit I'm not as fun in bed but I still participate weekly for my fiance. He under stands this is temporary.

 

However, you can't really fake being horny and getting into it. So she is really trying to give you quantity while feeling like absolute crap. She could just say no entirely.

 

My advice? Cut her some slack. Pregnancy is so hard on the body - something men will never understand. And her reward for carrying and pushing out your children was depression. It should be temporary and once she is through it her libido may return. Be patient.

 

As for your communication issues, it's good you're seeing a counsellor together. My recommendation for couples therapy is EFT - emotionally focused couples therapy. Look it up. It has the highest efficacy out there.

 

Thank you for the response - and I understand and have been patient. It's been 3 years since the baby was born and things are not changing - that's why I'm here. I also understand that I am contributing to the problem by putting pressure on her, but I have no idea what else to do at this point.

[olivetree]

3 years seems like a long time to still have postpartum, but I'm not sure as I haven't done my research. Is it possible she no longer needs the antidepressants but is too scared to wean herself off of them?

 

If you're having communication issues, I'm guessing you two haven't felt deeply connected for a while, which many women need before wanting to connect sexually.

 

Do try the EFT counselling and see if that helps. It's all about getting to the deeper feelings which is very helpful for connecting.

 

Also, she should probably see an IC/psychiatrist for her own depression issues or to at least see if she can come off the desire dampening meds.

[Mr. Lucky]

she does cross the finish line but sometimes it takes quite a bit of time (most likely due to the meds).

 

Three years after you last child was born, what meds is she taking - and why?

 

Mr. Lucky

[TiredofTheSame]

Three years after you last child was born, what meds is she taking - and why?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She's on an SSRI for depression.

[Mr. Lucky]

She's on an SSRI for depression.

 

There are a number of other approaches that don't have the same numbing side effects, CBT being one. You should encourage her to seek alternatives.

 

I had a long-term employee begin taking similar medication and the change was significant. She seemed disengaged, checked-out and unenthusiastic about most things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotsgoingon]

Two quick points.

 

People react different to different SSRI's ... so she could tell her doctor about the loss of libido ... and the doctor would almost certainly switch medications ... And there are non-SSRI anti-depressants out there ... that can replace and SSRI.

 

So you have options there ... But ... unfortunately you've got some relationship issues beyond this ...

 

Read something not too long ago about someone in situation similar to yours.

 

First you want to stop pursuing sex with her ... I know ... sounds crazy ... but she's not into it and every time you have sex with her right now, you're only exacerbating her alienation from you. She's faking it. She's not feeling it.

 

Then you want to get clear in yourself and praise her and make sure you tell her all the ways you like her and appreciate here--without this being a pitch for sex! ...

 

Something is up with her ... Her insecurities are triggered. She's not feeling intimate with you ... So you've got to get some emotional intimacy going ...

 

Like ... rub her shoulders ... her feet ... praise her ... talk about what she means to you ... again ... without the attitude of now that I've done this, you're going to have passionate sex with me.

 

Right now she feels under pressure ... and stressed ... and frankly, she's probably angry at you ... But ... find a little well of compassion. Dude, one day your hormones might be out of whack or a medication or heart condition leads you to feel overwhelmed with life and you might not want to touch ...

 

And at that point, you'll want a partner who is tender ... and who hugs you, not berates you and tells you all that you SHOULD be doing.

 

Note: I am not saying her reactions are your fault. I'm simply saying that she's apparently not in any place to take the initiative to create closeness between you ... So if you guys are gonna feel close again, you're going to be the one who needs to take the iniatiative ... until she comes out of her shell. And dude, when she does (just keep this in mind), she'll feel so grateful to you ...

 

Hugging, massages ... kissing ... laughing ... cuddling ... telling jokes, stories about growing up ... dreams ... spoiling her ... These are your targets right now ... not guilting her ... She actually may need to change antidepressants and may need a stronger one ... and may benefit from therapy ... but don't push her there ... hug her there ... caress her there ... so she feels accepted NOW ... and based on that ... is willing to face scary stuff about what's going on inside of her.

 

Tough position brother ... but you definitely want to back off sex ... You're on the right track in wanting passion and noting that. But right now, that's far more than she can give ... Mothering can be exhausting for the strongest and most resilient of women. Your wife needs to have some relaxed fun ... and experience some tenderness and acceptance ... before she's going to pursue more doctor's visits or push for new antidepressant or go to therapy.

[giotto]

She's on an SSRI for depression.

 

Same as my wife, although she wasn't depressed. She had zero drive and was doing her best, although with no communication. I didn't know what was going on. I put her pressure on her and I made it a lot worse. Your priority should be trying and solved her depression, if at all possible. Once she stops taking the ADS, it will go back to normal. Having said that, you have a long journey in front of you. Keep communicating!

[Dis]

Your wife has postpartum depression, cut her some slack

 

Postpartum depression can be devastating and add to that the stress/lack of sleep/focus on the new baby, it's no wonder she's disconnected right now

 

Give her some time. This likely isn't a forever situation considering your sex life was good before this

 

She's just reeling from all this and needs you to support her while she stabilizes. She doesn't need you to argue with her about sex when she's just given birth and is suffering from postpartum depression. Sex is probably the last thing on her mind

 

Please don't get me wrong, I believe a partner's job/duty/responsibility is to keep their partner sexually satisfied but NOT when they're knee deep in postpartum depression and caring for a new baby. It seems a bit selfish of you to expect for to be where she was sexually when she's struggling so much. Lay off her. Give her a chance to get her head above water.

 

Things will get better in time as long as you give her the support she needs to feel better. If you keep hounding her while she's struggling with this it will lead to resentment down the line and your sex life may never recover.

[Els]

I'm not sure if it's necessarily caused by the SSRIs, although it could be. But the thing that stands out to me is, you mentioned that your children are 3 and 4 - if she is with them all day long every day, she would likely be exhausted, in perpetual mom-mode, and really not feeling sexy in the least. When you try to have sex, is it just immediately after putting the kids to bed? When was the last time you went out on date night?

 

Have you tried getting a reputable babysitter once in a while to watch the kids while you go out on date night? Not just for 1-2 hours just to have sex, but at least 4-5 hours - go out together, do something fun, come back to a house that just belongs to the two of you. Give both of you some time to actually emotionally connect as a couple sans kids, and to let that feeling carry over to the bedroom. See if that makes a difference?

Edited October 29, 2018 by Elswyth

[SeekingJoy]

Find what turns her on now, and work it. If she starts to freeze or withdraw, respect and withdraw. Pick it up again at another time. The last thing you want is for her to start associating sex with pain or shame or discomfort. Use safe lubricant, toys, and be playful. Work the mind before you work her body. Learn to recognize signs of when she is buried under the pain and sadness and when she is more capable of feeling pleasures...

 

Consider asking doctor to reduce SSRIs as even a small reduction can increase libido significantly.

[TiredofTheSame]

Your wife has postpartum depression, cut her some slack

 

Postpartum depression can be devastating and add to that the stress/lack of sleep/focus on the new baby, it's no wonder she's disconnected right now

 

Give her some time. This likely isn't a forever situation considering your sex life was good before this

 

She's just reeling from all this and needs you to support her while she stabilizes. She doesn't need you to argue with her about sex when she's just given birth and is suffering from postpartum depression. Sex is probably the last thing on her mind

 

Please don't get me wrong, I believe a partner's job/duty/responsibility is to keep their partner sexually satisfied but NOT when they're knee deep in postpartum depression and caring for a new baby. It seems a bit selfish of you to expect for to be where she was sexually when she's struggling so much. Lay off her. Give her a chance to get her head above water.

 

Things will get better in time as long as you give her the support she needs to feel better. If you keep hounding her while she's struggling with this it will lead to resentment down the line and your sex life may never recover.

 

Thank you for your thoughts - I have been patient, and the "new baby" is now 3 years old! Lack of sleep is no longer an issue - both of our kids go to bed at 7:30, and generally sleep almost 12 hours straight. Additionally, I'm the one that gets up with them in the morning, makes breakfast, gets them ready for the day, etc, and she saunters downstairs at approximately 8:10 just in time for me to leave for the day. Several people here have been advising to "be patient", but I have and the situation is not changing.

 

I get that being with the kids is not easy work, however one of them goes to pre-k 5 days a week, and the other one goes to grandpa's at least once a week (I bring him and pick him up) - so she's getting a bit of a break from them also.

 

I am also extremely cognizant of the fact that she needs more adult time, and encourage her to get out and do things all the time while I am hanging with the kids on the weekends, or anytime during the week after the kids go to bed.

 

I feel like I am going well out of my way to help her with as much as I possibly can, and also doing my best to be patient and understanding.

 

I also feel like I am getting to the end of my rope with this issue, and something needs to change.

[pepperbird]

Have you tried sitting down with her in neutral area and asking her why she inst more interested?

 

 

Is there something she wants/ doesn't want and is uncomfortable talking to you about it?

 

 

 

As for her antidepressants, I could be wayyyyyyy of here, but it does sound like she has been on them for a fairly lengthy period of time.I have a close relative who has used them, and one thing their doctor told them that the goal is to get her to a place where she no longer needed them. Is there more going on that post partum depression?

[Yellowteacup]

There is no expiration date on PPD, either. Plus, taking care of kids, the home, and other matters, it's a relief for her to have a little "ME" time. Is there any way to get a sitter a couple times a week for date nights? Even if you just stay at home getting take-out, it's a good opportunity to talk things over.

[Mr. Lucky]

There is no expiration date on PPD, either.

 

Even in the absence of any treatment, less than 30% of women with PPD are still depressed 3 years later. For those in treatment and on medication, the numbers are much lower.

 

I'd think the answer to the OP's issues lie elsewhere, though they could certainly be tied to the stress of raising two small children.

 

Again, I'd push for alternatives to the meds...

 

Mr. Lucky