Cheating and Scared of the Future

[PainThriller]

I could practically write a book, but I'm going to try and be short with my story. I know what I'm doing is terrible. Please don't chastise me; I've been beating myself up in my head with the physical feeling of wanting to throw up for the last 2+ months. I never intended for this to happen in the beginning. I 100% fully take responsibility for my actions.

 

(Quick background: I'm 27 and my girlfriend is 24) I've been with my girlfriend for 4+ years. She moved from another state, away from her family, just to be with me. We don't have 'perfect' chemistry, but we get along and I could see us being together for the rest of our lives, living very comfortably in the process with one another. A safe relationship.

 

In August, I began talking to another woman (29) online, simply platonically... it started off with us talking about a trip she had taken to Europe earlier this year and eventually evolved into us talking about our lives and our past. This is where I screwed up: we began talking on the phone and on video chat. What we both found with one another is that we have some unbelievable chemistry. Long story short, I'm planning on going to visit her in December to 'verify' if this chemistry truly is the real deal. Premature or not, just based on her personality, attitude and mindset, I feel she might be the one.

 

Yes, I know it is a dirtbag, sleezeball move. I feel like I'm in a constant stress day to day trying to manage both these situations. I feel so conflicted. I had cold feet about going to visit the 'other woman' but I feel like I need to see if this is real. I could either live the rest of my life comfortably in my current relationship or take a huge risk and see where this goes. It's just that we (by 'we', I mean myself and the other woman) get along perfectly well. I know this sounds like 'grass is greener' syndrome, but this chemistry really is off the charts. I haven't felt like this since maybe my first love 10 years ago, but this just feels different. Feels right.

 

I'm scared to death. I feel so nervous. I don't know what's going to happen. I never originally intended for this result, but I 'made my bed and now I must lie in it'. Previously I never imagined myself doing something like this, but here I am today, defying my old mindsets/morals.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm constantly full of anxiety and worried about the future. I don't express this to anyone in person outside of my two closest friends (who have both encouraged me to go on this trip to 'verify' and confirm whether or not the chemistry is legit), but I don't want to throw away something good for something that may fall apart, but I guess that is the risk here. But what if I am meeting someone who does live up to the hype with all this chemistry? What if she turns out to be truly someone I am extremely compatible with?

 

The timing of all of this feels wrong. I despise the fact that I am going about it the way that I am. Again, I know it's selfish and scumbaggy. I just needed to vent. This isn't even 1/4 of everything, but I needed to write something. I'm stuck in my head 24/7 and question myself all the time. I haven't slept great in a while... I'm so fearful of the future, again, and have no idea what's going to happen. Thanks for reading, if you did. I never thought I'd ever cheat. I was cheated on by my first love and it took me years to get over her and fight through all the insecurity I dealt with as a result of that.

[Normm]

You haven't even met face to face yet. The whole thing isn't real.It's the excitement of the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. You haven't even smelled her farts yet.

 

Odds of you two hitting it off are slim to none. If you're not satisfied with your current girlfriend to the point that you're looking for it elsewhere then end the relationship with her now and go look for what you can find that might be a better fit for you, including this new girl.

 

IN THAT ORDER.

[sandylee1]

If you feel like this then you should break it off with your GF, not have her as a back up and someone who 'you settle with because you've not found the one.

 

She deserves a guy who loves her and will be loyal. By staying in the relationship, you're keeping her from being with a better match for her.

 

She's still young enough to move on from you. Most women want to marry and have kids, let her go, so she can find a guy to meet, get to know and have a relationship that leads to those things for her.

[snowboy91]

You refer to your current relationship as "safe"... but is it fulfilling? I'm going to assume not, because you've allowed yourself to meet up with another girl with the intention of pursuing a relationship with her. The first thing to consider is whether you actually still have the same feelings for your current GF - and it is not worth beating yourself up if you don't. This happens more often than you think, and it's awful because it's good, but not great and the decision is difficult enough as it is.

 

You have to be careful when there is that chemistry/spark - there is so much excitement that you tend to completely miss the deal breakers that may pop up later down the track when the excitement fades.

 

You say this has been stressing you out for a while to the point of making you feel unwell. That's exactly how I felt before I broke up with my last partner - and now I consider that the best possible decision for both of us. I'm not saying that's what you need to do, but when you're feeling like that you need to make a decision soon, because it's going to interfere with your work, your social life, and your relationship with your GF.

 

You have two choices: Break it off with the new girl and stay with your GF. Live the comfortable life with her. Not necessarily a bad thing if that's what you want. Or, break up with your GF and get with the new girl (BEFORE you meet the new girl). Which may work, or it may not. If it doesn't work, you'll end up single... which isn't a bad thing either since you'll have the space you need to work out what you need in a relationship, and what was missing from your current one. You're 27, you've still got a lot of time up your sleeve.

[Mrs._December]

Man, I don't think I've heard SO many excuses and/or lame justifications in my life as I've read in your one post.

 

You just happened to begin talking to a woman online "platonically." Really? How does one just happen to innocently start talking to someone else online? You knew what you were doing when you reached out to her.

 

And then you say you 'screwed up' and took it to phone calls and video chatting. You're not some victim of your dumb mistakes - again, you knew exactly what you were doing from the first time you 'innocently' began talking to her.

 

I've always found it intriguing how cheaters always just 'happen' to begin chatting with someone online and it's always the opposite sex (or the gender they're interested in). What a crazy coincidence THAT is, right folks?

 

So here you are planning on giving your computer girlfriend a test drive in December to see if she's worthy enough for you to trade in your current comfortable model for this newer, snazzier one that excites you more. And that's exactly what it comes down to.

 

You know, I get that you're not completely content in your current relationship and feel you want more, and/or you don't feel that she's the one. It happens. It does. But the mistake you're making is taking the slimiest and most cowardly way out in order to benefit yourself - instead of manning the hell up and doing things with integrity and honor.

 

You've reduced your current girlfriend to an option. She's Plan B. Should your little computer romance turn out to be better as a fantasy than it is in real life, then you've lost nothing because you've selfishly made sure to protect yourself from any loss, right? Everyone else is pretty much collateral damage but hey - YOU'RE covered, aren't you? You've made sure to have good old Plan B waiting at home, blissfully ignorant to your slimy plan, ready and waiting with open arms for your return from your computer girlfriend's city. No harm no foul, right?

 

Shame on you. I guess the best thing you can hope for is to find that missing integrity you once had.

[elaine567]

Take the adult route and break it off with your gf, she does not deserve this. She is getting a raw deal. You are wasting her good years and if she was "enough" you would not be seeking out other woman on the internet to develop close relationships with.

End it before she finds out.

Yes this woman may or may not work out but if not you are then free to pursue others to your heart's content.