He hits me, it's my fault.

[unicorn_puff]

I've been living with my boyfriend (now, ex) for the past 5 years. We're both 26 yrs-old. He's 6 feet 1, I'm 5 feett 1. Our relationship started with a lot of jealousy issues from my part. I couldn't trust him, I would always think he would cheat on me, I kept him from seeing his friends and I even went into his stuffs (cellphone, computer...). My low self-esteem was to blame, I couldn't trust myself, so how could I bring myself to trust him?

 

Time passed and things just got worse. One day, hell broke loose. I got super angry and became hysterical. I cried and screamed, and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor with the weight of my boyfriend on me. He squeezed my arms tightly and screamed into my face, insulting me and telling me to shut up. (The same thing happened to me with a previous ex as well, 10 years ago but it never got worse...) Our fights got worse and worse. He became more violent, he would punch my legs, pull my hair, slap my face, drag me on the floor, kick me while I was still on the floor, he would scream, break things (holes in walls, broken doors, broken objects like headphones...) At first, he would cry, but now, he would hit without tears.

 

I can't help but feel guilty. So many times, he would say it was all my fault. He never beated his exes in the past. I was the one pushing him to this state. And, it's true. I did abuse of him as well, but more on a psychological way.

 

Today, I still live with him. The lease is on his name though. I am free to leave whenever I can. My friends think I'm stupid to stay around or even care about him. It's true, there were so many occasions where I could have died. But, I'm sad because it is my fault. It's the second time I date a man, and that he would end up beating me... so I don't know what to do anymore about this guilt. And, I always think that the relationship would have been better if I trusted him from the beginning, because we still do care for one another (even as of today, he stayed loyal). Now, he does have a reason to see someone else and I can't say anything about it. The glass has been shattered into too many pieces and it's almost impossible to glue them back together...

 

Help.

[bathtub-row]

Both of you have some very deep-seated issues. Your extreme insecurity, abusive and irrational behavior really and truly needs to be addressed and stopped. As far as your ex is concerned, you don't really know for certain that he never abused other women so I wouldn't take that as factual. Any normal guy would've dumped you at the first sign of your abusive behavior instead of striking back. I'd say you're both even on this one and need to go your separate ways - the two of you are extremely toxic for one another.

 

Instead of worrying about him and whether or not things would've escalated to the point they have, work on fixing yourself. Get your own place and stop dating for awhile until you get your head screwed on straight.

[d0nnivain]

It's not your fault he hits you & physically abuses you. You may provoke him into anger but he should still have enough self control not to physically assault someone smaller then him.

 

I agree with your friends. Your choice to stay is a dangerous & unwise one.

[stillafool]

It is your fault for staying with men who abuse you. You need to leave, move out and get yourself into therapy before you get involved with another man.

[BaileyB]

It is most definitely NOT your fault that he hits you! Absolutely NOTHING you could EVER do would make it your fault if he hit you.

 

That said, you own the decision to stay in an unsafe and abusive relationship.

 

Get out, and get some counselling. Your very life depends on it.

[BaileyB]

I always think that the relationship would have been better if I trusted him from the beginning.

 

No, it wouldn't.

 

We still do care for one another.

 

This isn't love. People who love each other don't hurt each other.

 

Now, he does have a reason to see someone else and I can't say anything about it.

 

No, he doesn't. WTF?

 

A woman with a healthy sense of self worth or any kind of self preservation would see this man for the abuser that he is and they would never tolerate such behavior from a partner.

[Zahara]

The reason you’re with a second man who abuses you is not because you deserve it, but it’s because you have no self-esteem, no standards/boundaries and a warped sense of what love/care means.

 

You both don’t care for each other. People that do care, don’t hurt one another. You both are dysfunctional and have a toxic attachment and that’s not love.

 

Your friends are right. But no one can change your mind until you start to believe that this isn’t normal and that you deserve better.

[TunaCat]

Since this is the 2nd abusive relationship you've been in, I'm gonna say your man picker is broken. Your friends are right, you need to get OUT of this relationship and maybe even go to counseling to figure out why you stay with abusive men.

 

This isn't normal, it's not your fault & you deserve better.

[dragon_fly_7]

Since this is the 2nd time you've been with an abusive man, do this:

- Leave that abusive relationship ASAP and report him. If you don't he's going to kill you one day.

- Get to counseling and figure out what's wrong with you that keeps tolerating abuse....none of that is normal and it's not your fault

- Seriously take self-defense classes. I just started Krav Maga today and will continue my sessions. This will help you in building your confidence, staying fit and defending yourself (if needed) in the future

[Amy1992]

It seems unlikely that he hasn't been abusive to people in the past, but whether or not he has been abusive to others - he's crossed the boundary with you. Now that he has crossed that boundary he will probably always see you as somebody he's "entitled" to physically abuse. If this is one in a series of abusive men you've been in a relationship with, then clearly you need to worth this through with a therapist. Abusive people have a knack of identifying partners who are likely to tolerate their abuse. I remember reading a phrase somewhere, once, that went something like "I love you because all the ways in which you are dysfunctional match so well with the ways in which I am dysfunctional."

 

You're not going to resolve issues like these on a message board. You need proper face to face time with a good counsellor who's going to create a safe space for you to work on your self esteem, your conflict management skills, the kind of messages you send out to predatory or inappropriately rescuing types with your "I'm to blame" thinking... and also your willingness to take some time out of having a relationship while you work on this stuff. You're a young woman, with time to start turning your life around so that your next relationship is a much healthier and happier one where you and your future partner can give eachother love, support and all that good stuff - as opposed to the misery and abuse you and your current partner are inflicting on you.

 

I don't doubt it goes both ways. I don't doubt that there have been plenty of times you've been at fault in the relationship, and have either handled conflict badly or escalated it. Taking responsibility for the part you've played in escalating conflict doesn't mean you have to take the blame for somebody crossing the line and becoming physically violent. I don't buy that he wasn't aggressive/violent until he met you. If that were true, and he was a peaceful sort of guy before, then he'd have decided "eff this crap and drama...I'm out of here" a long time ago. Just as you would have left him and his violence behind a long time ago, were it not for the emotional and psychological issues you struggle with.

 

You've both got major issues...and the evidence of that is in the violence you describe. His major issue is demonstrated by him inflicting such violence, and yours by the fact that you don't leave even though you've made it clear that leaving would not logistically be a problem for you. He's seriously crossed the line by inflicting physical violence on a much smaller human being who he could easily kill. It's neither safe nor sensible for you to try to work through the issues that you need to work through while continuing to live with him. Even a fairly small and weak man is generally stronger than the average woman. In this case, he's a foot bigger than you and there's going to be a huge strength differential. You're at major risk. I can't emphasise that clearly enough. This guy could easily kill you, and you're stuck in some dream about the complex love the two of you share?

 

That's why your friends are being harsh enough to tell you you're being stupid by staying with him. Every day, women in your situation die at the hands of some thug they thought they had a great connection with. I'm sorry, but they do - and if you don't snap out of the "but we love eachother" dreamworld, you could be next.