I am hoping that other couples might share with me how their financial situation work

[username121]

Im not sure if Im posting in the right place, sorry if Im not!

I am hoping that other couples might share with me how their financial situation work?

 

My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been together well over a decade.

My family had a little more money than his and when we moved into our own place at 16, I was solely paying the rent and bills with help from my family.

 

This went on up until a few years back when I bought us a home. He pays all the bills, phones, internet etc while I cover anything to do with the house.

 

I earn a very small wage once a fortnight now and my husband gives me $200 per week to spend.

 

I was having a conversation with my friend and she was telling me that her new partner covers all the rent and bills, but also buys her beauty treatments, hair colors and cuts, clothing, holidays etc.

I am shamefully envious of this and wanted to see how it works with other couples?

My husband has never had to pay for any of those kind of expenses. If I want to get new clothes or frivilous things like getting my hair done or buying unnecessary items like make up etc, then thats up to me to save and get it eventually.

 

I might add my husband earns a good wage and although we do have debt, he also is able to save.

We have seperate bank accounts and he has never allowed me to use any of his money. I'm not sure how much savings he does have.

 

Is this normal? I hear other friends talking about how they have to hide their husband's or boyfriend's bank statements because they bought new shoes or a new dress, but if I did that, I wouldnt hear the end of it. Literally.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not sure how much savings he does have.

 

While there is no one-size-fits-all approach to marital finances, what you've posted seems strange.

 

Because it's not his savings, it's your savings - as in both of you. That's what marriage means. Time for an honest and transparent talk with him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Well, I am not living with my partner as yet but we plan to move in together this spring so we have been having many of these talks. I'm sure others with more wisdom will also chime in and I too am eager to hear what they say...

 

My boyfriend and I plan to keep separate accounts and perhaps open a joint account for household expenses, at least that is the plan. Living expenses will be divided based on income - we earn roughly the same amount so it is almost 50/50. He earns a little more than me, so he will actually contribute a little more to the living expenses.

 

We both want to have our own spending money, thus the separate accounts. We will also have an agreement that protects our savings/assets because we come to this relationship with other obligations. But, it will be fair and mutually agreed upon before we move in together.

 

I think you need to renegotiate your agreement. If you earn a small wage and he has a more sizeable income, why are you still paying the majority of the housing costs while he pays the bills. I would be very unhappy if I was earning my own money and my husband had to give me an "allowance" to buy clothes, and other necessities. I would also never expect him to finance my hair treatments, pedicures, or clothing purchases - not while I make my own money. I am also curious why your savings are not joint, given the fact that you have been living together since you were 16 years old - everything that you have earned or saved, you have done together.

 

Definitely time to renegotiate, my friend. Good luck to you.

Edited October 26, 2018 by BaileyB

[basil67]

We throw all our money in together. It was too much effort trying to manage who pays for what and when.

[TheRainbow]

When we first moved in together we had separate accounts and our joint account/joint savings account. Joint account is for our bills. When I wasn't working he'd transfer money into my account for groceries. But when I move back in with him after our seperation, how it'll work is, my paycheck will go for groceries, his and mine cell phone, gas for my car and spending money. My husband who is the main breadwinner covers daycare, housing, school tuition, car payment, utilities. If I'm short on money or there something I want/need for myself or the kids, I can do it. It works for us. A 50-50 contribution wouldn't work because of the difference in our income. But I do contribute in other ways.

[d0nnivain]

Ours is a complex set up.

 

I'm self employed. DH has a good steady job, now. His paychecks go into the joint checking account. Almost everything gets paid out of that account: the mortgage, the bills, groceries, car repairs etc. I contribute to it occasionally & far less then he does. However, I already owned our home with a mortgage when we got married, so the down-payment & a lot of equity came from me. When he was struggling I made sure the bare minimums we covered.

 

I don't get paid often but when I get paid, I get paid well. I buy all the extras when we have cash. I have paid for new cars, our 2nd home (no mortgage), vacations, a kitchen remodel etc. If I don't have the cash, we don't do the big things.

 

He has a variety of retirement plans he can pay into through work. So he maxes those out. I throw big chunks of cash into an account when I can. Being self employed, whatever I save is my retirement.

 

We also both have "fun money" accounts separate from the joint accounts & retirement accounts. His overtime checks go in his fun money account. When I do a side gig, the money goes in my fun money account. Those are the accounts we use to buy each other presents & for "frivolous stuff". For example if I say lets go out to dinner & he says we don't have enough money this week, I may say OK & we eat in or I may say "my treat" & use the fun money.

 

For tax & accounting purposes, the retirement accounts are separate but almost everything else is "our" money. It's not a matter of DH buying me clothes or hair care products.

 

You are a team. You have to act like it. It all belongs to both of you, no matter who earned it or who initially purchased it. The other did things to free up time for the bread winner or to make the house function more smoothly.

[RecentChange]

Ours is pretty simple.

 

We have a joint checking and joint savings accounts. All our income goes into those, and all bills, expenses etc come out of it.

 

All money earned is "our money". We are free to buy smaller things as we desire, and both of us have expensive hobbies (I will admit mine is more costly than his thought).

 

We started out young and broke just after college, in the very beginning he earned more than me, but for the last decade or so I have earned more, at times twice as much.

 

I totally do not mind sharing everything I earn with him.

[PegNosePete]

Is this normal?

It is absolutely normal for an unmarried couple. But you are married... so no, not normal.

 

When you are married everything becomes marital property and both should have equal access to it. That includes information about what the assets and debts are. Similarly, spending decisions should be made jointly. He gives you an allowance... no, not normal! Sounds like he is keeping tight control on you.

 

Strange that you have debts but he is saving. Sounds to me like the debts are yours or joint, whereas his savings are individual. It very much sounds as though he is in it for himself rather than being a team player. Assuming the debts have interest payments, doesn't it make more sense to pay them off before stashing money away?

 

I hear other friends talking about how they have to hide their husband's or boyfriend's bank statements because they bought new shoes or a new dress

If unmarried, they are committing a crime. If married... immoral behaviour. Neither are anything to be proud of.

 

Most people have online banking anyway so hiding statements would be pointless. Your friends are probably over-exaggerating for laughs.

[FMW]

I don't think it's normal that you don't know how much money your husband has.

 

I'm not sure where you live, but at least in the States if you were to get divorced the Judge would look at everything each of you has as marital assets equally belonging to each partner (with the exception of an inheritance that has not been put in a joint account or titled jointly). The reasoning is that even if one partner makes all the money the other contributes in other ways to the relationship (regardless of what the reality is of who does what). Marriage is not just a moral contract but a legally binding one.

 

I was married for 23 years and our bank accounts were all joint. When we divorced he even got part of my employer sponsored retirement account. Our partnership didn't last forever obviously, but while married we did see ourselves as a team that shared everything.

[d0nnivain]

I forgot to add that never having been married or combined finances with somebody else, we didn't really know the mechanics of how sharing worked. Other then groceries or utilities bills where we already knew the amounts, we initially made a pact that nobody would spend more than $100 without checking with the other. That got old fast & we raised the check-in limit to $500. 10 years later we're both better able to judge what the other would consider a necessity and what the other would consider extraordinary. So now we only check if it's outside the norm. For example, I need a new car. We set a budget. If I see something I like, I may buy it without him standing next to me but I would not just come home with a new car without giving him a heads up about the cost. We may each come home with a new coat. We also don't book hotels or other travel without a discussion but it's often cursory .. . "we're going to [place] on [date] & it's going to cost about [$x]; you OK with that?"

[Art_Critic]

My wife is a SAHM so I'm the bread winner and pay for both mortgages and anything that crops up during the month or what it takes to have 2 households (one in the mountains) but we have an account that we both access and the bills get paid from and she has her own checking account to pay for anything she might want to buy or pay her CC bills.. she always felt weird not having her own, she does spec work in design off the internet off a few web pages a few times a month and gets paid spending money for what ever she may want that she doesn't want the house account to pay for...

 

I do the bill pay side of it but have tried for years to get her to do the bill pay side but she just doesn't care to get into that...

I handle all the money basically and we have a financial consultant that manages our estate planning/investments/wills/trusts etc etc...

[Gaeta]

This went on up until a few years back when I bought us a home.

What do you mean by that? you put the down payment? The house is to your name only? Why? Your husband has a bad credit?

 

 

He pays all the bills, phones, internet etc while I cover anything to do with the house.

Are all those bills = to the mortgage expense?

 

 

I earn a very small wage once a fortnight now and my husband gives me $200 per week to spend.

That's not enough, who pays the groceries? $200 a week only covers groceries and treats.

 

I was having a conversation with my friend and she was telling me that her new partner covers all the rent and bills, but also buys her beauty treatments, hair colors and cuts, clothing, holidays etc.

I don't care what other couples do I just want my deal to be fair toward my partner and I.

 

 

 

My husband has never had to pay for any of those kind of expenses. If I want to get new clothes or frivilous things like getting my hair done or buying unnecessary items like make up etc, then thats up to me to save and get it eventually.

 

I might add my husband earns a good wage and although we do have debt, he also is able to save.

We have seperate bank accounts and he has never allowed me to use any of his money. I'm not sure how much savings he does have.

 

Is this normal? I hear other friends talking about how they have to hide their husband's or boyfriend's bank statements because they bought new shoes or a new dress, but if I did that, I wouldn't hear the end of it. Literally.

Your husband should want you to have nice things and not let you struggle to save for a new purse. If I lived somewhere and only had to pay $200 a week and a couple of bills I'd be rich. Your husband is enriching himself on your account it seems,

[Veronica73]

When I got married to my ex-husband, I had significantly more assets than he had. (He had school and credit card debts that were more than what he had in his retirement account). When we got married, I paid off all his debts, and then kept my pre-marital assets in a separate account. I used that money to put a 50% down payment on our house (which was in both of our names). We would each put a certain percentage of our paychecks into our own retirement accounts each pay check. And then the rest of our paychecks were put into a joint account. And all of our joint bills, the mortgage, and all of his bills were paid out of that. And I had a good job that paid 100% of our health insurance. I paid for my own haircuts, coloring, clothes, etc from the account that had my premarital assets. I felt bad paying for that stuff out our joint account, because he buys all his clothes from costco and cuts his own hair etc... so I didn’t want to make him pay for that stuff because I spend a lot more on that sort of stuff than he does. Also when we went on vacations I paid for that almost completely from my pre-marital assets. Otherwise we would have never gone on vacations. When we got divorced I got all of my pre-marital assets back (minus what we spent on the house and vacations etc. But since I kept it in a separate account, it wasn’t split in half during the divorce). We split the price of the house in half (even though I pretty much paid for it). But I expected that and was not going to fight about it. I wanted it to be both of ours and was planning on being with him for the rest of my life. I’m not saying that I recommend what I did... but that’s how it worked (or didn’t work) for us.

 

(Edit): in fact I would probably not recommend what I did. I think from now on I will keep everything separate and never ever get married again.

 

(Edit #2) And during the process of divorce, he tried to get me to finish paying off our mortgage, and then to give him the entire house free and clear. Otherwise he threatened he would go after all my premarital assets. I knew what the laws were, and I had a good lawyer, so I thought it was unlikely that he would succeed. But it was eye opening. I would never have thought that he would sink that low. But I guess many people turn into *******s during divorces. Or maybe I have poor judgement of people. Anyway.... lesson learned.

 

(Edit #3) I worked full-time for most of our marriage and was the main bread-winner for most of our marriage and completely paid all of our bills when he was unemployed for awhile.

 

(Edit #4) But I admit to getting a little envious too when I hear how well other women are taken care of. But I can provide all of that stuff for myself...so....*shrug*. It’s better to do that.

Edited October 26, 2018 by Veronica73
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