Need guidance

[TravisE1]

Hello, I'm a 33 year old man who has been married for seven years to an amazing women. Here's my story:

 

We got married seven years ago and had out first of three children two years into the marriage. After having the first child, I did not take the responsibilities well or pull my fair share around the house (cleaning, kids stuff, etc..) I know I was at fault and spent most of my time home watching TV or on my iPad while my wife would be doing thing (I was a dead beat). I would always say, "I will do it, but on my time." and her being a go getter and not a waiter, would just do it herself.

 

Anyway over time we became more and more disconnected, I really didn't notice despite her saying sometimes, "can you put the iPad down and talk?" or her telling me I don't show appreciation enough or tell her I love her enough. I shrugged it off and never really knew how to do those things, they all felt awkward to me. The thing I did notice was that our sex life had slacked way off, which I chalked up to having small kids and her having a demanding job. So basically I ignored the signs and failed miserably at being a good dad and husband.

 

 

So fast forward through all that, I got home from, work three weeks ago and notice that she had two texts from a man I didn't recognize. I then woke her up and confronted her and looked at her message history and found that she met the guy (who lived in another state and is twenty years older than her) had been messaging and facetiming her for 2-3 weeks. The messages were very flirty and she seemed like she enjoyed his conversations. I was devastated, angry and hurt.. I had so many thoughts going through my mind at the time I found out. At first I couldn't figure out why and she wouldn't say much... So the next day I spoke to her cousin because he had made it through infidelity of his wife. He recommended that I just ask her to lay out why she did it all on the table so I can know what the issues are if I want to work it out.

 

 

So I then spoke to her and she opened out and boy did she let it pour... She told me about all the above of me not helping or her not feeling loved or appreciated. she said that she started to feel the disconnect five years ago and things along the way like me saying mean things to her during heated arguments and not changing when she said things to me really made her feel disconnected from our relationship. She told me that she felt that she was living on her own and that if I left she could make it even though she still "loved" me.

 

 

So I thought about that the entire night and really took a hard look at the man I was. It really opened my eyes and I didn't know what to do so I turned to the Bible. I read what a man is suppose to be in a marriage to his wife and children and I prayed about it. The next day we went to church and the message was RIGHT AT ME.. the preacher actually preached on that very thing and hit me right in the gut even more. It hit me hard, I went to the alter and prayed and turned it over to God. I decided from that point on, I'm not going to be the same lazy, deadbeat guy who didn't show his wife appreciation or affection anymore.

 

that was now two weeks ago, I haven't even had a desire to set on the iPad or be lazy. I've been spending time with the kids and helping around the house. I'm actually really enjoying it and feel better about myself. This is truly the new me and I'm loving it. But, since then not much has changed with my wife.. she deleted the guy and blocked his number.. She has been totally transparent with me. But she is still disconnected, I know it will take time for her to really believe my change is 'real' but I ask her answers to questions and don't really get answers and its frustrating me beyond belief. I don't know what to do or say, one min it seems good the next not so much..

 

here are the big issues I would love advice on:

 

1. I've been complimenting her and get the same replies that I have always got, "I'm not that great' or "thanks." I never got the replies that the 'other guy' got.. He would compliment her and she would send a heart or say "your so sweet" all the cute stuff. I asked her why and basically got the "I dunno why" answer. Its very discouraging when she wont accept compliments from me. Do I just keep doing it because they really are from the heart.

 

2. I told her that I admire her and thing she's an awesome women who makes me want to be a better man... she actually came out and told me that it bothered her I said I wanted to be a better man because "why now?" "why seven years later?" all I can say is that this "incident" forced me to really look at myself and who I really was. I don't know what else to say?

 

3. She says I've been doing what she wants these past two weeks and if I done it all along there would have been no problems.. Yet she tells me she still loves me, but still feels disconnected and don't know why... I told her that I've been reading a lot of advice for people in my situation and its helping me under stand what I need to do to fix it.. is there anything a spouse in her shoes could read for advice on reconnecting to someone they lost it with for an extended time?

 

4. Should I cont. to do what I'm doing and not ask her things anymore? I know I'm mostly at fault here and just want to be a better man for her and the kids... I want a loving relationship with my wife and just wonder if I'm doing it right to get that? I can't change the past just like a recovering alcoholic, drug addict or criminal ANYONE can change for the better and I know I'm going to work daily to improve on being a better husband and father AND Christian. any advice to help me along this process? Thanks

 

 

*Sorry for the long post, I could have made it triple this amount, but this is the gist of everything. *

[d0nnivain]

It took 5 years for these problems to come to a head. You can't expect them to be fixed in less than 5 weeks. Right now she has 10 years of neglect which is her norm. She doesn't see these changes in you as being permanent. You have to give her time.

 

It's not the same because we weren't married but I broke up with a BF of 10 year after living together for almost 9 years. After I moved out he did all the things I had been hoping he'd do for the bulk of our relationship. When he did them out of desperation not to lose me, I grew angry. I was so mad that he was capable of being more attentive but had chosen not to. I walked away because my anger overpowered everything else. I'd like to think that if we had been married, I would have been more open to change & reconciliation but the fact that we weren't married was a big part of my decision to bail.

 

Since your faith is important to you, consider getting some joint counseling through your minister or some secular marriage counseling. While continuing to be a better husband you are also going to have to be patient with your wife. She can't just flick a switch, read something or apply another quick fix to repair the years of damage your neglect caused.

[Mr. Lucky]

It took 5 years for these problems to come to a head. You can't expect them to be fixed in less than 5 weeks. Right now she has 10 years of neglect which is her norm. She doesn't see these changes in you as being permanent. You have to give her time.

 

Exactly. I'll further add you're doing the right things but for the wrong reasons. You should make these changes because they lead to the type of man you want to be, not just because you think it's what your wife expects. If you seem like you're only seeking her approval she'll (rightly) suspect your motives.

 

I then woke her up and confronted her and looked at her message history and found that she met the guy (who lived in another state and is twenty years older than her) had been messaging and facetiming her for 2-3 weeks. The messages were very flirty and she seemed like she enjoyed his conversations.

 

What do you mean by "she met the guy"?

 

TravisE1, your wife is enmeshed in at least an emotional affair. There's a good chance she's still in contact with him and as long as her focus is there you won't make progress on repairing your marriage. Keep your eyes open as you move forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I think the fact that she blocked the other guy and has been transparent with you is a big change!

 

I agree with the above, it's been five years that you have been disconnected from your wife. It's not going to change in two weeks, just because you have suddenly decided that it should. Give her time.

[DKT3]

What up my man. I was in your exact position. I had been a horrible husband. There were a lot of things that I needed to change about me. However, what your wife did is totally independent of what you did. Don't accept responsibility for her actions. At first I thought, if I were a better husband than it would not have happened. The truth is, she made that decision to betray you, thinking that changing your behavior will control her behavior is flawed logic and honestly ridiculous.

 

Yes your behavior created issues in your marriage, but that disconnection is likely just as much about her connection with this guy as it is about your behavior, likely even more so.

 

In part she is likely missing him, and its preventing her from engaging with you.

 

Bottom line is you cant nice her back into the marriage. You have to make changes with the mindset that it's for you and your child(ren) and not to win her back.

 

She was wrong, dont for one second over look that or have others make you believe it's your fault. Doing so will set you up for failure, because you basically looking for her to validate your modified behavior. Work on yourself, if she can't or won't meet you there you may have to move on.

[TravisE1]

Thanks for the replies... I may have worded that wrong lucky guy... I want to improve as a man not just for her, but for my own self worth and my children... as for her "meeting" the guy, it was on Instagram he messaged her first and it started off just regular talking and escalated over the two weeks.

 

 

Basically if she left me and never spoke to me again, I'm determined to make these changes regardless. I honestly believe she has broke all contact with the guy, because they were not "hot and heavy" all the convos are just flirty and I could tell by the tone of them she knew she was wrong, but seemed to like the attention, nothing was intimate. With that being said, I think she just decided to end it with him and see how things work out and to see if I really change. I think (don't know) if she is really thinking about us, I think she is just focusing on new job, gym and the kids and letting everything else play out.

 

 

I'm a law enf officer and have fallen into the issues that come with hypervigilance as was described in a book (emotional survival for law enforcement) I read YEARs ago. I am a hard worker at work and do my job well. But, the issue was when I got home I would just "turn off." I didn't realize it, I was thinkin life just got in the way of the things I used to do... I wasn't always like this, I used to have hobbies (fishing, shooting, kayaking and more). Since our first child was born though, I have been in this state of being a hard worker at work dealing with stuff you can't make up, BUT then I go home and detach and isolate in my own little bubble.

 

 

Since this "awakening" I have taken the things out of my life that I would isolate to. I've been playing with the kids and cleaning a lot, yes for my wife but, more for it being what I should be doing. I can honestly say even though its only been two weeks, its been great even when my wife has been "disconnected" seeing the joy on my kids face with me playing with them and doing stuff with them has honestly made me feel amazing. So I think just typing this out as answered my own question... Just keep doing what I'm doing and let her deal with her issues as I can't change her.. I only can control myself and what I do from here on!

 

 

PS She has been messaging me more and talking to me about her day along with sharing stuff with me more the past few days. I think my best route is to focus on self development and not even try to discuss "issues" with her and maybe at some point she will come around?

[DKT3]

Thanks for the replies... I may have worded that wrong lucky guy... I want to improve as a man not just for her, but for my own self worth and my children... as for her "meeting" the guy, it was on Instagram he messaged her first and it started off just regular talking and escalated over the two weeks.

 

 

Basically if she left me and never spoke to me again, I'm determined to make these changes regardless. I honestly believe she has broke all contact with the guy, because they were not "hot and heavy" all the convos are just flirty and I could tell by the tone of them she knew she was wrong, but seemed to like the attention, nothing was intimate. With that being said, I think she just decided to end it with him and see how things work out and to see if I really change. I think (don't know) if she is really thinking about us, I think she is just focusing on new job, gym and the kids and letting everything else play out.

 

 

I'm a law enf officer and have fallen into the issues that come with hypervigilance as was described in a book (emotional survival for law enforcement) I read YEARs ago. I am a hard worker at work and do my job well. But, the issue was when I got home I would just "turn off." I didn't realize it, I was thinkin life just got in the way of the things I used to do... I wasn't always like this, I used to have hobbies (fishing, shooting, kayaking and more). Since our first child was born though, I have been in this state of being a hard worker at work dealing with stuff you can't make up, BUT then I go home and detach and isolate in my own little bubble.

 

 

Since this "awakening" I have taken the things out of my life that I would isolate to. I've been playing with the kids and cleaning a lot, yes for my wife but, more for it being what I should be doing. I can honestly say even though its only been two weeks, its been great even when my wife has been "disconnected" seeing the joy on my kids face with me playing with them and doing stuff with them has honestly made me feel amazing. So I think just typing this out as answered my own question... Just keep doing what I'm doing and let her deal with her issues as I can't change her.. I only can control myself and what I do from here on!

 

 

PS She has been messaging me more and talking to me about her day along with sharing stuff with me more the past few days. I think my best route is to focus on self development and not even try to discuss "issues" with her and maybe at some point she will come around?

 

I hear what you're saying. What I dont hear is the expectation that you want her to own her sh%t. She messed up, and it's not your fault, she has to own that or you're wasting time and energy. Down the line, if things improve and she doesn't own it, you will get a repeat performance because it works for her.

[TravisE1]

I hear what you're saying. What I dont hear is the expectation that you want her to own her sh%t. She messed up, and it's not your fault, she has to own that or you're wasting time and energy. Down the line, if things improve and she doesn't own it, you will get a repeat performance because it works for her.

 

I get what you are saying to an extent.. She has expressed that she knows she done wrong and asked for forgiveness and said that even though she felt disconnected from me she knows she should have never done what she did. I'm just at a loss of what she needs to do to own it? she let me install child cell phone monitoring on her cell phone and I can see who she calls, texts and what apps she uses from my cell phone at any time.

[d0nnivain]

the key her will be working together. Do add some romance to your lives. nothing too much or costly. Do help around the house. Perhaps leave her a love note somewhere. If You will be having Thanksgiving at home, you help with meal prep. Hold her chair out for her to sit down like you were at a fancy restaurant. Buy her a romantic gift for Christmas like perfume, jewelry or a silk blouse. Do not get her anything practical, like a small appliance. find little ways to add a bit of magic to her daily routine.

 

Do stay vigilant that she has given up the other guy but if you are both making the effort let your actions talk for you.

[DKT3]

I get what you are saying to an extent.. She has expressed that she knows she done wrong and asked for forgiveness and said that even though she felt disconnected from me she knows she should have never done what she did. I'm just at a loss of what she needs to do to own it? she let me install child cell phone monitoring on her cell phone and I can see who she calls, texts and what apps she uses from my cell phone at any time.

 

I'm not concerned with what she is or isnt doing. I'm concerned with the fact that you really seem to believe that you can control her behavior by modifying your behavior. That is a huge problem that will allow you to rug sweep her affair, and prevent her from truly getting that this was her decision despite what you did.

 

I agree with donnivain that you can and should do nice things, yet this cant be a one sided journey. Keep in mind she betrayed you and broke your trust, she has to fix that through her actions not by accepting your actions.

[TravisE1]

I'm not concerned with what she is or isnt doing. I'm concerned with the fact that you really seem to believe that you can control her behavior by modifying your behavior. That is a huge problem that will allow you to rug sweep her affair, and prevent her from truly getting that this was her decision despite what you did.

 

I agree with donnivain that you can and should do nice things, yet this cant be a one sided journey. Keep in mind she betrayed you and broke your trust, she has to fix that through her actions not by accepting your actions.

 

what do I need to see, to see that she is in fact fixing her actions?

[DKT3]

what do I need to see, to see that she is in fact fixing her actions?

 

I cant tell you what it is for you, but if you're asking she hasn't done it. The women my wife was before her affair, during and after is three completely different women and very easily distinguished. When and if she starts doing what you need, you will know.

[Sunlight72]

Hi TravisE1,

in my opinion you are on a good track now. I think you realize, and I would like you to remember, these changes you're making in the way you interact with your children and your wife are not repair work that will be complete. This is the way of your life from now onwards. Sounds like you have a good mindset about this now.

 

I am encouraged to hear your wife is communicating more with texting & so on. That's actually a great sign that she wants to be connected to you.

 

As others have said, this is going to take time. Think 8 months to 18 months. And then, continual nurturing to keep your family nourished.

 

I would strongly encourage you to read Way Of The Superior Man. Some of the ideas there aren't helpful for you, but many are really insightful. Such as why your wife is not responding to your compliments in a meaningful way, and how to change that.

 

In this case, first she needs to trust you really are who you now say you are. That will take several months to start to work.

 

But also, you are complimenting her with words only (I'm supposing), and there is another layer you're missing, which is the physical layer - with out words. Playfully dancing with her. Laughingly bumping her side with your side while you two are making dinner together. Things like this, and then a small compliment, can get through when just words don't. She needs to trust you enough to smile or laugh when you are being light hearted and silly like this though.

 

Please read the book. Disregard parts that don't seem appropriate to you, but read the whole thing a couple times. You will be surprised at the actual techniques you can implement from it that you would not (I certainly didn't) think of on your own.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks I think it may be too little too late. As d0nnivain said, changing now after so many years of neglect may seem to his wife as just some temporary superficial changes which won't last. It seems so surprising to an outsider or observer that a person could be so oblivious to his wife's needs for so long and NOT expect the worst to happen. Also when he has managed to lose her love it is very likely that he will not be able to regain it. When marriages have been in a much better place one or the other spouse has cheated. Here this marriage just seems to have withered away due to sheer neglect on the part of one of the spouses in spite of the other spouse voicing their concern from time to time. So as I said it may be too little too late. However, I wish the OP all the very best and hope he is able to turn his marriage around. It is now mostly on him his wife willing.

[anika99]

This will take some time to fix for sure. Right now your wife doesn't see the changes you are making as sincere. She likely believes that things will eventually return to how they were before and she will wind up back in the same unhappy marriage.

 

Also it may take some time for her to get over her infatuation with the other guy. She's missing the good feelings he gave her. The infatuation wasn't really about that guy though, it's really about her and how he made her feel about herself. People are mirrors in a way and when they reflect positivity back at us then it makes us feel good about ourselves.

 

Your wife's life prior to him sounds rather dreary. She worked hard at being a wife and mother and got nothing back, no love or appreciation from her spouse. She likely didn't feel very special or loveable. Then along comes this stranger who heaped positive attention on her and she lapped it up like a person dying of thirst. Through his eyes she saw herself in a positive light. She felt beautiful and special and loveable for the first time in a long time. It didn't really matter who the other guy was, he could have been the biggest loser in town, it was about how he made her feel about herself.

 

Your attention and compliments don't have the same affect because they don't sound sincere to her. You never gave her that kind of attention before so why do it now, is probably what she is thinking. If you really thought she was beautiful or amazing then why wouldn't you have said that before things got to this point? She doesn't believe your compliments because you had to feel threatened before you were willing to pay attention to her and her needs.

[Lotsgoingon]

Really, we cannot compliment ourselves out of jams like this one. Just doesn't work ... flip the scenario: would compliments ease your rage or sense of abandonment. Not likely.

 

I mean compliments are better than nothing ... But ... the problem as you describe it is that you disconnected from her ... and got lost in tv watching and the ipad and all of that.

 

Don't be too hard yourself, you were probably operating at your capacity for intimacy ... and you're a law officer as well ... Oh man, dude, you are really facing a challenge.

 

So ... quick tip ... you need to find a way to chill out ... either for the first 30 minutes after you get home .. or preferably, BEFORE you get home. As much as you want to muscle through what you're facing now, like ... you need some exercise, a run ... a walk ... time in nature ... reading some inspiring writing ... you need something that gets you into a better and more relaxed and less hypervigilant mood by the time you enter the house.

 

You will have to experiment with finding what you need. And this time might take more than 30 minutes, which sounds impossible I know ... But ... trust me: you coming home 45 minutes later than usual in a better mood ... your wife would love it ... and YOU would love it!

 

Again, you will need to experiment ... and get tips from the most balanced officers you know ... dig and ask them humbly--how do they stay connected and warm when they get home? You will find that the people with balance plan it that way ... doesn't just happen.

 

So the key to giving yourself time is to think of that airplane analogy ... put your own gas mask on first ... and then help your family ... because otherwise, you will pass out.

 

One thing about the internet ... is now renewing ... unless you find something really specific .... It's distracting ... and numbing ... but not as renewing or mind-clearing as a walk, exercise ... listening to music ... dancing ... lifting weights and so on ...

 

Then you want to develop a ritual ... like you hug your wife ... a real tender and serious hug ... for like two minutes ... like you use that hug to REALLY connect with her ... and give her some affection ... and you use it to get some touch for you as well ... to lower that stress level.

 

So along with thinking about how you can be better and listen to her more and all of that ... along with that ... think also about how you can take care of yourself so well ... that it would be easier ... and not exhausting--not one more errand--to pay attention to your wife ...

 

Bottom line: reconnect ... connection beats compliments any day ... and btw: part of your transition home might be talking about your day, even if it was miserable ... or talk about where YOU ARE about the day ... Partners can adjust if they know we're freaked out ... and are a little distant. They cannot adjust and they feel abandoned when we are freaked out and distant ... and don't share what we're feeling with them.

 

You can repair this brother! I don't see this as a mountain to climb.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lots, you do deserve the prize for optimist of the year! I'd say the OP has to climb half way to Heaven to be able to win his wife over after all the neglect that he heaped on her all these years. She would have to be an Angel and have unlimited compassion for her to be able to reconnect with him the way they may have when they first met. In saying this I am not trying to be a wet blanket. I, however, think that one should not try and minimize the damage that OP did to his marriage all these years and that he should not think that he can apply some band aid here and there and all will be tikety boo! You said you did not see this as a mountain to climb but he probably will have to move mountains to even be within striking distance of recovering his marriage and getting it back to a semblance of normality. His marriage is on life support and it can go either way. It now all depends on whether his wife is even interested in saving something which in her eyes was a toxic and one sided relationship which died a long time ago for her. Sorry it sounds harsh but it is better to be a realist than live a pipe dream. Best wishes.