Wayward husband is Jekyll/Hyde

[Sushi789]

I am 32 and a recovering alcoholic. Been sober 6 months. I had some big problems with alcohol when my husband and I first met 8 years ago but no major issues since we have been together. He likes to consider himself my rescuer as "I would have died" if he hadn't been there for me. My husband is a resident surgeon and works long hours, usually 100+ a week for the last 4 years. I have felt incredible loneliness some nights when he has been on call at the hospital and have had several times where I drank in the evening when he was at work. He didn't like that I did this and we had maybe 10 discussions about this over the 4 years he has been in residency. Nothing major, I could tell it bothered him but he got over it in a day each time.

 

Fast forward to this past February. I had a couple weeks where I drank everyday. I became very isolated and depressed. I started to attend AA meetings and got a sponsor. I had a relapse in May and have been sober since. The point of all this is, my husband used this relapse as his justification for having an affair with a married medical student.

 

I discovered his affair a little over a month after my relapse. He left home for a couple weeks and we didn't speak. I told him I could forgive him and apologized for my alcoholism. (I know now it wasn't my fault he had the affair but at the time I thought I drove him to it). He asked if I could really forgive him then he wanted to come home and work on things. He broke off the affair and we went to marriage counseling. He continued communication throughout this time without my knowledge.

 

Then things started getting bizarre. He would leave for a week or a few days at a time to be with his affair partner, then come home and say he was going to break it off. He has spent thousands on hotels. He tried to break it off with her a few times, but inevitably went back days later. I had only seen him cry twice in the eight years I have known him yet he has had more out of control crying episodes in the last 6 months than I can count. He has said "Im in love with 2 different people" "He loves me but is not in love with me" etc. It seemed for a while he was leaning more towards leaving the marriage for the affair partner. He has been "confused" for months. However, after I said I wanted to move on he desperately emailed a pastor who later called and talked to him for an hour. My husband came to see me said he hates who he has become, he can't look at himself in the mirror, and that he knows I would take him back if he broke off his affair in due time. The pastor suggested IC and my husband set up an appt the next day. He saw the counselor twice, but was still very confused about which woman he wanted. The counselor advised him since he was in love with two woman, he should go work on his marriage. I understand now he was cake eating, but to me it seemed like he was really lost. The other woman has officially divorced her husband as of a few days ago.

 

In the past week or so, he has tried to explain to his affair partner he is miserable, feels incredible guilt and misses home. She won't accept this and won't tolerate him co-habitating with me. He has been living in an airb&b for a month and has said he has distanced himself from the AP and they have no sexual relationship. He tried to tell her again 2 nights ago and she said "How could you throw all this away, I left my husband for you blah blah" then she said" well if you go home then all those people at work will be right that I should tell HR you forced me into a sexual relationship, I will be your enemy etc". He claims he is scared but still won't do anything different.

 

Anyway, he comes to talk with me, acts like the person I know and says he misses me and wants to come home that he can't keep living the way he is. Then the AP talks to him and he completely changes his tune "I don't know what that will fix if I come home, I don't have all the answers." He has had this Jekyll/Hyde persona for months and it sounds as though he is a puppet for this woman and for his mother (who he has made hate me by justifying his affair to her). Is this normal? Does it sound like he really wants to come home or is he just playing games? I don't know how much longer I can tolerate this. Any advice would be helpful I am ready to give up and move on at this point since we don't have any children. I love him very much and our marriage was not anywhere near being over before this affair.

[Mr. Lucky]

I had some big problems with alcohol when my husband and I first met 8 years ago but no major issues since we have been together.

 

I'm a little confused by this statement, doesn't drinking everyday and by yourself and a relapse count as "major issues"?

 

Regardless, unless your H is willing to go NC with his AP, there's not much hope for your marriage. Counseling, moves back home and long discussions are a waste of time unless he'll end the affair and focus on your marriage. Though a 100 hours a week (really? 14-15 hours a day, 7 days a week?) doesn't seem to leave much room for a relationship anyway.

 

Also, give up this idea that she's somehow controlling him. Every choice he's made has been with his own self-interest firmly in mind.

 

Welcome to LS. Sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

I would make it easy for him and give him to her. I would not sit by waiting for someone to chose me. Wish him well and walk away. You never mentioned if you work or not, do you and are there kids involved?

[Sushi789]

I am in no way trying to minimize my alcoholism. I was a selfish person and didn't realize what I was doing to someone I loved. I was saying in the time we have been together it was really a non-issue in our marriage, meaning it wasn't something that occurred often or disrupted our lives or anything, at least until the two times this year.

 

Even though he is showing strong signs of wanting to come home, is there anything I can do to get him ti give up contact and come home? Ive tried to go a few days without talking to him but then he freaks out and wants to come home, only to not follow through.

[Sushi789]

No kids and I am self employed with a horse training business. I am not worried about leaving him if I have to I just didn't know if I was giving up too early.

[elaine567]

I agree with Stillafool, you move on and stop playing the pick me dance.

She is welcome to him, he is a cheater, and how will you ever trust him again going forward anyway?

[BaileyB]

I agree with Stillafool, you move on and stop playing the pick me dance.

She is welcome to him, he is a cheater, and how will you ever trust him again going forward anyway?

 

Also my opinion. I'm sorry.

 

I wish you all the best with your sobriety.

[Corazon de Leon]

No kids and I am self employed with a horse training business. I am not worried about leaving him if I have to I just didn't know if I was giving up too early.

 

IMHO you've stayed too long. That WH is keeping TWO women on the backburner and enjoying the ride with both of you. I have no idea why you'd allow WH to devalue you so much! Change the locks or go inhouse NC when he's there.

 

You need to see an attorney.

 

MANY cheating spouses bad mouth their faithful partners for a long time so it gives them an easy exit, no one ",wonders" why the M didn't work out, the blame is ALL on the faithful spouse. Plus it helps the cheater retain some of their "reputation" even though it's a totally fabricated one.

You are suffering from sexual abuse inflicted by an abusive H. It's part of domestic violence.

So is social isolation, which is another reason why abusers bad mouth their victims.

 

Hold on to your sobriety with BOTH ARMS during this phase.

Alcohol intensifies any feelings you have inside which is exactly the opposite of what you need right now.

 

Clear thinking, CLARITY is what you need.

 

Best wishes

Corazon de Leon

[Mr. Lucky]

You are suffering from sexual abuse inflicted by an abusive H. It's part of domestic violence.

So is social isolation, which is another reason why abusers bad mouth their victims.

 

Seems a reach, how is she being sexually abused?

 

And any isolation is self-imposed, it’s her choice to stay with an absent or wandering husband...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jamess1]

Our gynocentric and feminist society makes good men look bad; it has been known for a long time that a man can love more than two women, but a woman can't love two men at the same time. Hence, polygamy for men was and is still normalized in many cultures.

 

You even mention the truth of the matter, but you have been conditioned in a feminist society that makes you think the 'normal' is oppressive to women,and assumes men and women are the same.The truth must be a lie, since he must have & love 1 woman,our rules are not reality:

 

I had only seen him cry twice in the eight years I have known him yet he has had more out of control crying episodes in the last 6 months than I can count. He has said "Im in love with 2 different people"

 

You can leave him, he will probably move in with the new woman, both of you will be heart broken, this 1 man 1 wife is a recent thing in human history..

[norudder]

Our gynocentric and feminist society makes good men look bad; it has been known for a long time that a man can love more than two women, but a woman can't love two men at the same time. Hence, polygamy for men was and is still normalized in many cultures.

 

You even mention the truth of the matter, but you have been conditioned in a feminist society that makes you think the 'normal' is oppressive to women,and assumes men and women are the same.The truth must be a lie, since he must have & love 1 woman,our rules are not reality:

 

 

 

You can leave him, he will probably move in with the new woman, both of you will be heart broken, this 1 man 1 wife is a recent thing in human history..

 

There are monogamists of both genders and polyamorists of both genders.

 

Some make life choices from their subconscious based on conditioning, others are concious of their preferences and make decisions with intentions.

 

In either case, regardless of gender, there should be honest communication to the person/s involved in the relationship about what kind of relationship it's going to be.

 

She thought it would be committed monogamy. He's changed that. She's not wrong for still wanting what they agreed on. Nor is she just brainwashed by a "gyno centric feminist society". Geez. She wants one man and for that man to want one woman. If her H wants two women then obviously they aren't compatible.

 

Monogamy or not is just as much an issue of kids or not. Unfortunately people often get married before truly knowing themselves on these things.

 

Of course it's sad and there's potential heartbreak if it's an unresolvable impasse but Iwouldn't tell someone whose spouse changed their mind about wanting kids after getting married thinking they didn't want them that it was a societal construct behind their thought process. Same with wanting committed monogamy.

[Mrs._December]

Our gynocentric and feminist society makes good men look bad; it has been known for a long time that a man can love more than two women, but a woman can't love two men at the same time. Hence, polygamy for men was and is still normalized in many cultures.

I'll assume it was likely a man who came up with that self-serving 'scientific' conclusion about men and women.

 

Secondly, I think this theory is full of holes. Just look around - there are TONS of men every day coming to message boards to post about how their wives have been having an affair, and some for years. And a lot of those women claim to love both their husbands as well as their affair partners and can't seem to decide who they want to be with.

 

OP, you have no kids and a way to support yourself which is pretty rare for most betrayed wives. Usually, betrayed wives can't leave their cheaters because they're financially dependent on them and will talk themselves into reconciling with their cheaters because they really have no other choice. But you DO have a choice and that puts you so far ahead of the crowd because you actually have options.

 

So, you either continue sticking around and letting him continually disrespect you every chance he gets, or you move on and retain your dignity.

[inpeices]

I am 32 and a recovering alcoholic. Been sober 6 months. I had some big problems with alcohol when my husband and I first met 8 years ago but no major issues since we have been together. He likes to consider himself my rescuer as "I would have died" if he hadn't been there for me. My husband is a resident surgeon and works long hours, usually 100+ a week for the last 4 years. I have felt incredible loneliness some nights when he has been on call at the hospital and have had several times where I drank in the evening when he was at work. He didn't like that I did this and we had maybe 10 discussions about this over the 4 years he has been in residency. Nothing major, I could tell it bothered him but he got over it in a day each time.

 

Fast forward to this past February. I had a couple weeks where I drank everyday. I became very isolated and depressed. I started to attend AA meetings and got a sponsor. I had a relapse in May and have been sober since. The point of all this is, my husband used this relapse as his justification for having an affair with a married medical student.

 

I discovered his affair a little over a month after my relapse. He left home for a couple weeks and we didn't speak. I told him I could forgive him and apologized for my alcoholism. (I know now it wasn't my fault he had the affair but at the time I thought I drove him to it). He asked if I could really forgive him then he wanted to come home and work on things. He broke off the affair and we went to marriage counseling. He continued communication throughout this time without my knowledge.

 

Then things started getting bizarre. He would leave for a week or a few days at a time to be with his affair partner, then come home and say he was going to break it off. He has spent thousands on hotels. He tried to break it off with her a few times, but inevitably went back days later. I had only seen him cry twice in the eight years I have known him yet he has had more out of control crying episodes in the last 6 months than I can count. He has said "Im in love with 2 different people" "He loves me but is not in love with me" etc. It seemed for a while he was leaning more towards leaving the marriage for the affair partner. He has been "confused" for months. However, after I said I wanted to move on he desperately emailed a pastor who later called and talked to him for an hour. My husband came to see me said he hates who he has become, he can't look at himself in the mirror, and that he knows I would take him back if he broke off his affair in due time. The pastor suggested IC and my husband set up an appt the next day. He saw the counselor twice, but was still very confused about which woman he wanted. The counselor advised him since he was in love with two woman, he should go work on his marriage. I understand now he was cake eating, but to me it seemed like he was really lost. The other woman has officially divorced her husband as of a few days ago.

 

In the past week or so, he has tried to explain to his affair partner he is miserable, feels incredible guilt and misses home. She won't accept this and won't tolerate him co-habitating with me. He has been living in an airb&b for a month and has said he has distanced himself from the AP and they have no sexual relationship. He tried to tell her again 2 nights ago and she said "How could you throw all this away, I left my husband for you blah blah" then she said" well if you go home then all those people at work will be right that I should tell HR you forced me into a sexual relationship, I will be your enemy etc". He claims he is scared but still won't do anything different.

 

Anyway, he comes to talk with me, acts like the person I know and says he misses me and wants to come home that he can't keep living the way he is. Then the AP talks to him and he completely changes his tune "I don't know what that will fix if I come home, I don't have all the answers." He has had this Jekyll/Hyde persona for months and it sounds as though he is a puppet for this woman and for his mother (who he has made hate me by justifying his affair to her). Is this normal? Does it sound like he really wants to come home or is he just playing games? I don't know how much longer I can tolerate this. Any advice would be helpful I am ready to give up and move on at this point since we don't have any children. I love him very much and our marriage was not anywhere near being over before this affair.

 

Oh Sushi..

 

A terrible situation to be in and at a stage now where his AP has given up her marriage (presumably to start a new life with your husband?) And he is now doing the classic "flip-flop" Where he can't 100% now say he wants to leave you as the affair is now gone and life just got real.

Throw in some innapropriate work related matters and of course he is stalling.

 

Love for him aside, and yes he was there 8yrs ago to pick you up off the floor, but now? You don't owe him anything, and he has delivered the toughest blow anyone could handle never mind a sensitive mind with addictive qualities. He may even have a sex / work addiction himself.

Two addicts can be immensely intense together, feel like soul mates, but the dependencies and co-dependencies tend to do more harm than good long-term.

 

If you have the strength and self respect to separate from this man, do it.. Let the cards fall where they fall.

He will be Jekyll & Hyde as of course all addictive personalities can be.

Find time to work on yourself and make yourself strong before trying to fix him or the situation.

You can take a horse to water... but you cannot make it drink.

This is going to take another year to unravel itself fully.

By then, you could be leading a totally different and better/happier life.

There is nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship.. that to me says you need to find better and healthier ways to cope with your inner sadness and no doubt a whole load of stuff you carry from prior to meeting your husband. Forgive me if I'm way off the mark there.. but if you have inner work to do..he can't help you with that right now because he has a whole pile of it himself..

 

Your horses will be the best teachers here.. and if you know your horses you will know what I mean..

 

Good luck in finding your way and don't beat yourself up.. it's not your fault things have gone wrong.. life just challenges us to force us to see a better way..Sadly you won't see it until you make the leap

 

Best wishes x

[BTDT2012]

Don't tolerate it. Remove yourself as an option. Tell him to go to her. Tell her she can have him.

 

 

 

If he breaks it off with her permanently, just understand that it will take both of you working very hard to fix this. You are still young. Do whatever is best for you.