Beginning to resent my husband

[FMW]

I don’t know if that means anything.

 

It means regardless of your vow to stay married no matter what, reality is going to teach you a lesson in consequences.

 

Resentment kills love, kills marriages. Most people don't want to live without an emotional connection with someone else. You will be increasingly vulnerable to temptation.

 

It doesn't matter how you think things should be or what you wish the reality was. You have to deal with it as it really is.

[Zapbasket]

I made a vow before God, “through good times, and bad”, that’s what we said.

 

Yes, but that vow ONLY works when BOTH people uphold their ends of it. He's currently riding the coattails of YOUR vow and efforts to uphold it. Marital vows do NOT mean, "I will put up with any and all crap that is dished out to me by this person, and will forgive all transgressions no matter how bad, and will dedicate my life to making excuses for his laziness, abuse, and overall loser behavior, Amen." See how ridiculous that is?

 

I don’t want to throw away 16 years of my life.

 

Have you ever heard the saying, "throwing good investment after bad"? That's what you're doing. Just because you've spend X number of years building something, doesn't mean you're "throwing it away" if you realize the investment is not panning out. Investments only work when you get a RETURN on your investment. Believe me, when you wake up at age 50 if nothing changes and remember that you could have gotten out many years earlier, you will regret your current tenacity.

 

In spite of yourself, you're already looking for an escape, as evidenced by your "thing" for this other person. There's a self-protective part of you that's looking out for you--listen to it; don't make it have to find sneaky ways to take care of you.

 

Right now, your husband is a big loser. Whether that's temporary, situational, or characterological, is 100% up to him. He can ask for your help and support, but ultimately he MUST want to help himself. Fixing him is not your or anyone else's job.

 

You know what often happens in these situations? The stuck loser has so much self-loathing that he often turns that loathing onto the partner who is desperately hanging on, trying to love him into a course of self-improvement, and ends up leaving HER when he's ready to get his act together. He needs to see that you respect yourself, and that a relationship requires a certain standard to be upheld, or at minimum striven for on a consistent basis.

[burnt]

You are receiving a lot of good advice on this forum; are you listening to any of these or sticking to your own ideas still?

And yet you expect your husband to give up his ways and listen to you? Why should he?

 

Since you want to hold onto the marriage no matter what he does,

how about this:

 

Suggest to him that since he is not fully satisfied with sex with you, perhaps he can supplement it with sex with someone else in an open relationship. He does not work, so he clearly should have enough time for being with other women in addition to you. So long as he is legally still married to you, that should not bother you. That way, he won't be pressuring you to finish in your mouth and still get his needs met. As his devoted wife, it's important that you try to meet his sexual needs, no matter what he needs. Isn't that what marriage is all about?

 

If that doesn't work, perhaps, hold off sex completely and demand that he goes to work (like all normal people), goes to counseling, and gives you all that you want and need and then you can resume sex.

 

You want him to change? Well, you yourself need to change what you have been doing first.

[viatori patuit]

Hmmmm......

 

I see lots of these posts and wonder how much are we are not hearing? They guy has his side too and I wonder what it would sound like?

 

 

Instead of telling you to leave I would ask you - what do you think you do that hurts the situation? The fact that you have eyes on another guy tells me there is potentially more here than we have seen.

[LonelyWife34]

Oh I’m sure if you asked him, his story would be completely reversed. He thinks I never want to have sex. That’s not true. I do, I love sex. I just hate feeling pressured to do something I don’t feel comfortable doing.

 

It’s just sooo many complaints, you know? It kills my confidence and makes me not even want to do anything anymore. What’s the use, if it will only be done wrong anyway?

 

He gets triggered so easily. Like last night, his father made one remark and he totally lost his top and was angry for the whole night. He and his dad are not really speaking right now. His dad is, like I said before, a control freak and so is my husband. So putting those two men under one roof is a little slice of hell. My father in law believes I am the one who turned his son against him. And my husband thinks I’m the one who turned him against his father. Every time they fight, i shut my mouth, walk into another room, go outside, but they still drag me into it. I have asked them to leave me out of it, but they won’t. I get yelled at for everything.

 

It’s getting harder and harder. I’m 34, I thought I’d have some kind of grip by now, but it isn’t easy without any help.

 

I don’t feel attracted to my husband at all, at times. Another thing, and I feel dumb for bringing this up, I hate kissing him because his breath is disgusting. I’ve told him 20 times but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t do anything about it.

[LonelyWife34]

In other words, when he says jump, I say, how high? When I make a request, it gets ignored.

[Mr. Lucky]

So far all you've posted is a litany of complaints.

 

What do you want? What are your plans?

 

Are you interested in counseling as a step towards improving your marriage? Are you looking to separate?

 

Might be time to move your focus to the future and what it might look like...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LonelyWife34]

Honestly, I was just looking for some advice. Wasn’t thinking anyone would jump and say divorce him. And please, don’t think I’m going to run for a divorce just because it was suggested. That’s dumb.

 

I was hoping to get some help on how to calm him down. How to make him not so angry all the time.

 

Tips, suggestions, advice, ya know? Not people just telling me to divorce him lol

[CardsFan01]

5 years from now, when he’s still the same person, you’ll look back and realize that was sound advice, it wasn’t just dumb.

[LonelyWife34]

Today, he asked me if I could pick up our son after school because he couldn’t do it.. he said he had a headache. I told him I was working and I couldn’t, and asked why he couldn’t just do it since he wasn’t busy. He said that was very insensitive of me and that I am never willing to help him.

 

I ended up leaving work to pick up my son. When I got home, my husband was furious. I told him I was sorry for being insensitive and that he shouldn’t be angry because I actually did pick our son up. That made him even more angry and he stormed out. I hadn’t called or texted him thinking I’d let him cool off.

 

Well he just texted me saying I ruined his day and his head hurts even worse and that he doesn’t know what to do with me. I didn’t reply.

 

I’m so tired of this. I see my friends with their husbands and they’re so happy. Yes, they fight, but they make up not more than an hour later. It seems like our fights last for days and days, only to have one or two good days, then it starts all over again. I’m tired, I’m hurt, I’m crying as I type this.

 

My husband is totally gone and I don’t know who this monster is. The worse part is, is that he blames me for what he’s become.

[Rico3]

Honestly, I was just looking for some advice. Wasn’t thinking anyone would jump and say divorce him. And please, don’t think I’m going to run for a divorce just because it was suggested. That’s dumb.

 

I was hoping to get some help on how to calm him down. How to make him not so angry all the time.

 

Tips, suggestions, advice, ya know? Not people just telling me to divorce him lol

 

You can't change him. Plain and simple.

 

If you won't divorce then prepare to deal with this the rest of your life.

 

No point on coming on these forums to vent.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was hoping to get some help on how to calm him down. How to make him not so angry all the time.

 

Give him oral sex daily, letting him finish wherever he wants?

 

LonelyWife34, you've married a spoiled, selfish, lazy man-child. I wish forum members could give you a cure, but I don't like your chances...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LonelyWife34]

So that’s the best solution when you have a marriage problem? Divorce? There’s gotta be another way! If we ended a relationship every time there was a problem we’d never have a relationship with anyone!

 

I think you guys give up way too easy. No disrespect, I swear. I really thought this was a place to get advice and tips from people who can relate. All anyone here has done is tell me to divorce him.

 

I’m thankful for anyone who took time to read and respond, but I don’t think this is the place for me. Everyone is so bitter about marriage. You all have no hope or faith in anyone.

 

Thank you guys for all the replies. God bless

[Zapbasket]

So that’s the best solution when you have a marriage problem? Divorce? There’s gotta be another way! If we ended a relationship every time there was a problem we’d never have a relationship with anyone!

 

I think you guys give up way too easy. No disrespect, I swear. I really thought this was a place to get advice and tips from people who can relate. All anyone here has done is tell me to divorce him.

 

I’m thankful for anyone who took time to read and respond, but I don’t think this is the place for me. Everyone is so bitter about marriage. You all have no hope or faith in anyone.

 

Thank you guys for all the replies. God bless

 

Ok, don't divorce him. But if you're going to stay with him, you need to stop being so hard on him.

 

If you have tried to tell him about things that bother you and he makes no effort to change, and even angrily dismisses your feelings and desires, then you have two choices: either keep telling him, over and over, what bothers you and what you'd like to be different; or stop whining and accept that he is the way he is, and you need to love him into coming 'round to your way of thinking.

 

The consequences for taking Option 1 are that he may get fed up with your nagging and either cheat on or leave you. He very well may not have the squeamishness about divorce that you have.

 

The consequences for taking Option 2 are that he may never change, no matter how hard you love him, no matter how much of his cum you swallow or how many kisses you let him give you with his terrible breath.

 

You can't make someone change, and you can't make someone be a true partner with you in solving your marital problems. Improving a marriage takes two, and each person can only control one. Fine that you want to stay in the marriage, but it looks like you're going solo on working on the problems. When you're left alone to solve a flailing marriage, there really are only two choices: leave, or stay and accept the lot you've got.

 

Good luck.

[Just a Guy]

Lady have you even read the title of your own thread? If so where do you think that kind of feeling is going to lead you, especially if it is increasing rather than decreasing? You are looking for a miracle but sadly, that happens only if you believe in it. If you want to disregard all the other advice given to you then I would say get down on your knees and pray to the Almighty to give you relief. Maybe then your miracle will happen. Best wishes.

[Rico3]

So that’s the best solution when you have a marriage problem? Divorce? There’s gotta be another way! If we ended a relationship every time there was a problem we’d never have a relationship with anyone!

 

I think you guys give up way too easy. No disrespect, I swear. I really thought this was a place to get advice and tips from people who can relate. All anyone here has done is tell me to divorce him.

 

I’m thankful for anyone who took time to read and respond, but I don’t think this is the place for me. Everyone is so bitter about marriage. You all have no hope or faith in anyone.

 

Thank you guys for all the replies. God bless

 

He is emotionally abusive and looks like you've come to make excuses for him.

 

You can try marriage counseling but he's going to fight you every step of the way with little hope that it will work.

 

Read this article to help you get started:

 

 

 

How to Deal with Emotional Abuse

 

Emotionally abusive behavior is when something is said, implied, or done to intentionally hurt someone’s feelings on a consistent basis over an extended period of time. The day-to-day bickering, teasing, insulting or other negative behaviors do happen in ordinary relationships. However, a pattern of emotionally hurtful behavior can eventually evolve into an emotionally abusive relationship. You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner makes you feel like you’re not good enough, calls you names or puts you down, threatens or intimidates you, or you fear your partner leaving you. If you are in an abusive relationship, recognize that you cannot change your partner and it is best to seek help and leave the relationship.

 

Handling Your Current Situation

 






Be aware of the signs of emotional abuse.

 

Emotional abuse functions to make you feel small and strip you of your independence and self-worth. Your partner may make you feel isolated, use intimidation or controlling behavior. While your partner may not use physical force, he or she may threaten violence.

• Your partner may limit your freedom (not allow you to spend time with some people or insist on knowing your whereabouts), reject you (pretend you don’t exist, blame you for things that are not your fault) or belittle you by calling you names, insulting your family or career.
  
• Emotionally abusive behavior patterns that are controlling can spill over into finances. Emotional abuse can include a partner monitoring your finances, making you account for every penny, withholding money from you, or restricting your spending.
  
• Emotional abuse can also include monitoring your time, insisting on checking your phone and emails, and limiting your contact with family.
  

 



Know your rights.

 

You have the right to be treated with respect within an equal relationship with your partner. You have the right to change your mind and/or end the relationship if it no longer serves you. You have the right to have your own opinions, even if your partner disagrees. You have the right to receive clear honest answers to important questions. You have the right to say no to your partner if you do not wish to engage in sexual contact.

• These are your rights. Don’t allow your partner to convince you otherwise.
  




Realize that you cannot change your partner.

 

Making your partner understand or realize that he or she is hurting you is not your responsibility. Abusers do not change from receiving your compassion, they change by learning to act with compassion.

• You are not doing your partner any favors by staying in the relationship. You may feel like you are “the only person who understands him” or feel like she’s “a really good person if you get to know her” but don’t minimize how much pain this person causes you. It is not heroic to stay with a person that disrespects you.
  




Don’t retaliate.

 

Abusers are excellent manipulators, and may provoke you to the point of breaking, then blame you for everything. Don’t retaliate on any digs, insults, or threats. While it may be hard to hold back your own temper, remember that it’s a trap and you may be the one suffering the consequences.

• Never respond with physical force, even when provoked. Try to control your impulses by walking away, taking deep breaths, or cutting the discussion off.
  




Recognize the long-term risks of an abusive relationship.

 

An abusive relationship can contribute to physical problems such as migraines, arthritis, and body pains, mental health problems such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and alcohol/drug use or abuse, and sexual health issues such as increased risk of sexually transmitted infections or unwanted pregnancies.



 



Reach out for support.

 

Confide in friends and family and ask for their support. Tell them what is happening, and that you would like help in leaving the situation. It is likely that they will be willing to help in any way they can.

• You can create a signal to alert them that you need help, such as a coded text.“I’m making lasagna for dinner”could be a code for “I’m in trouble and I need your help.”
  
• Reach out to friends, family, neighbors, spiritual leaders, or anyone else who may be able to help you.
  

 

Leaving the Relationship

 






Know when to say goodbye.

 

Sometimes, relationships are just wrong and cannot be saved. For your sake, and for the sake of your mental health, try hard to recognize as early as possible whether or not this relationship is worth working on. Remember that it’s unlikely that your abuser will change.

• Don’t allow yourself to cling to the relationship because you are scared of letting go. Remind yourself of all the pain this person has caused, and that it is better for you to cut it off. It may be hard to imagine your life without the relationship, but you deserve to be treated with more respect.
  
• Don’t ever let the abuse go on or make excuses for your partner’s behavior.
  




Put your safety first.

 

Recognize that abusers rarely change, and it’s likely the abuse with escalate with time, and can turn into physical violence. With this in mind, prioritize your safety. You may respond to threats differently if you fear violence, such as avoiding them or not fighting back. While not defending yourself may be difficult or hurt you, remember that you are prioritizing your safety until you can make your next move.

• If you are in immediate danger and fear for your safety or well-being, call the Emergency Services and immediately get to safety.
  
• If your home feels unsafe, go to a sibling’s home, a friend’s home, or somewhere where you feel safe.
  
• Prioritize your child’s safety. If you have a child or children, protect them. Send them somewhere safe like a friend’s house.
  






Have a phone with you at all times.

 

You may need to call for help, call the police, or deal with an emergency situation regarding your safety. Have a phone charged and ready at all times to ensure your safety.

• Program your speed dial to anyone you may need to call in an emergency, including friends, family, or police.
  




Escape to a safe location.

 

When planning an escape, think about any risks that may be present. If you leave with children, for example, make sure your partner will not go after them or try to harm them. You may even want to escape to a different location than your children if you are concerned about both your and their safety. Go to someplace that is safe and that you will be protected from your partner. This may include a friend’s house, your parent’s or sibling’s home, or a shelter.

• Always be careful when leaving an abusive relationship, even one that's "just" emotionally abusive. You can get help in establishing a safety plan by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
  
• Ask for help from a friend or family member who may be able to help you escape quickly. This person can help you gather your things, watch the kids, or act as your getaway person to leave quickly.
  
• Many shelters accommodate children and pets.
  




Cut off contact.

 

Once you have successfully escaped the relationship, don’t allow your partner into your life on any terms. He or she may try to sweet talk you, apologize, or say that things have changed. Remember that it’s more than likely that the behavior will start up again, even if your partner promises that it will never happen again. Allow yourself to heal on your own terms, without your partner.

• Delete this person’s phone number and remove any ties you have on social media. You may even want to change your own phone number.
  
• Don’t try to show your partner that you’re better off without him or her. Allow healing to be personal, just for you.
  




Take care of yourself.

 

Don't let them get in your head. Remind yourself that the abuse was not your fault. Nobody deserves to be abused in any capacity, and nothing you did made you deserve to be treated like that. Find ways to be happy. Write in your journal, go for a walk, and engage in activities you find fun, like hiking drawing.



 

Get some professional help.

 

Find a mental health professional who can help you work through the situation. A therapist can help you with the emotional side of leaving, and help you cope with any feelings of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, or anger. A therapist can help you cope with the situation and work through the challenging emotions you may have.

[brigit87]

So that’s the best solution when you have a marriage problem? Divorce? There’s gotta be another way! If we ended a relationship every time there was a problem we’d never have a relationship with anyone!

 

I think you guys give up way too easy. No disrespect, I swear. I really thought this was a place to get advice and tips from people who can relate. All anyone here has done is tell me to divorce him.

 

I’m thankful for anyone who took time to read and respond, but I don’t think this is the place for me. Everyone is so bitter about marriage. You all have no hope or faith in anyone.

 

Thank you guys for all the replies. God bless

 

FWIW I think you've gotten some really good advice. Since I'm in a good marriage I'll throw my two cents in as I'm sure you're still reading this thread.

 

Your husband sounds abusive. If he sees there's a problem with his behavior he can go to therapy and try and change. If he feels his behavior is fine and you're the problem then you will continue to live the way you're living now.

 

So don't divorce but don't expect change unless he desires it.

[bathtub-row]

He apparently thinks you should behave like a porn star in his own personal screenplay. The problem is - aside from him being controlling, abusive, lazy, and uncaring - is that the two of you became committed to one another at too far young of an age. You never got to explore the world or learn to grow as individuals. The fact that his father is a lot like this should tell you something.

 

A few more years of this crap and you actually might change your views on divorce. Just think, if you both live until you’re in your 80’s, you’ve only got about 50 more years of this charming man-child. Personally, I’d rather stick needles in my eyes.

[Zapbasket]

So that’s the best solution when you have a marriage problem? Divorce? There’s gotta be another way! If we ended a relationship every time there was a problem we’d never have a relationship with anyone!

 

I think you guys give up way too easy. No disrespect, I swear. I really thought this was a place to get advice and tips from people who can relate. All anyone here has done is tell me to divorce him.

 

I’m thankful for anyone who took time to read and respond, but I don’t think this is the place for me. Everyone is so bitter about marriage. You all have no hope or faith in anyone.

 

Thank you guys for all the replies. God bless

 

I forgot to give the suggestion I think would be a great help and eye-opener: THERAPY. Not couples therapy--not yet--but individual therapy. And not because I think you are messed up (I don't, and you're not), but because it's the best way to get clear about what your needs are, and how to balance them with the needs of the relationship.

[CardsFan01]

If we ended a relationship every time there was a problem we’d never have a relationship with anyone!

 

There’s a big difference between a “problem”, and a fatal flaw. Unfortunately I believe your marriage has the latter. I think you have received good advice here. The problem is, you aren’t getting the answers you hoped for. He’s not changing, so your options are learn to live with it, or leave. As much as you are wanting to get one, there is no magic solution here. I’m sorry.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you guys give up way too easy. No disrespect, I swear. I really thought this was a place to get advice and tips from people who can relate. All anyone here has done is tell me to divorce him.

 

I’m thankful for anyone who took time to read and respond, but I don’t think this is the place for me. Everyone is so bitter about marriage. You all have no hope or faith in anyone.

 

LonelyWife34, separation isn't necessarily divorce.

 

I'll bet in your 16 years together, you've tried arguing, begging, pleading, bribing, threatening, cajoling, bargaining, manipulating, avoiding and capitulating.

 

How's that worked for you? Solve any of the very real problems you've described? Motivate your husband to examine or change his behavior?

 

He needs a wake-up call to understand you're not going to raise your kids or live the rest of your life this way. You'll need to pull him out of his unemployed/daddy supported/self-centered comfort zone in order to deliver that message. Right now, he's hiding out and play-acting at being a grown-up so this isn't about "calming him down", it's about trying to engage him in life and marriage.

 

You get what you permit. Time to stop permitting this childish behavior...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

OP, if you are still here...

 

I believe that marriage is a commitment shared between two people. However, I do not believe that marriage vows give one partner the right to abuse the other - financially, emotionally, or sexually.

 

Your last post, in which you asked “what can I do to calm him, to placate him, to help him to change his ways...” is akin to what an abused woman would say - “if only I could do what he wants, that will keep him calm, then he would be happy and he would not get angry...”

 

As has been said, he has lived this way his whole life - with his parents and you catering to his every whim (such that he doesn’t even have to work for a living to support his family). The likelihood that he is going to have an ephiphany and say “My goodness, I need to change...” is extremely unlikely. People do what works for them, and you have shown him that you are willing to carry the financial burden for the family and you will cave every time he gets upset and twists a conflict back to blame you...

 

So understanding that you have no control over him and it is unlikely that he will change his behavior... you have two choice - stay and continue in this way, or leave. The choice is yours.

[Tristian]

I’m thankful for anyone who took time to read and respond, but I don’t think this is the place for me.

 

 

 

 

After this and noting that OP hasn't returned since posting this I'll close this one up.

 

 

If the OP returns and would like to continue discussion, please let us know via the ALERT US function.