Bad ending to relationship: I told his wife

[Hopelessromantic04]

So if his love for you is so strong he's ok with introducing you to his business associates and family members how come it's suddenly humiliating for a friend of his wife to know?

 

 

Oh I realise the method of delivery's wasn'tt the best but let's face it that was going to be the last of his problems if he was going to be honest and tell her, but let's be honest that wasn't going to happen either.

 

Actually, it makes a lot of sense.

 

His friends/cousins are his true inner circle. They know him. Plus later finding out, his friend/cousins have done similar things which is why I stopped liking them.

 

His business partners don’t know him in regards to his personal life. So he doesn’t care.

 

But his wife, her friend, they are all highly active in their church. This will certainly spread to his church community. That’s embarrassing for anyone. He doesn’t want them to see that side of him.

 

The explanation is quite simple: he is living a double life.

 

It’s easier to drop me because we haven’t built anything together. But him and his wife have. Their community knows them, etc. so it makes sense. I’m nothing in the grand scheme of things. Doesn’t mean he didn’t truly care for me.

 

This man wanted to live a double life, it’s very simple.

 

It’s annoying that people like discredit the love that a mm has for the ow. Love is not black and white. That’s the problem. We approach relationships in such a linear manner and it’s actually not.

 

People can have true love for multiple people. The key to a healthy relationship is knowing how to remain faithful and loyal to one person. But that doesn’t mean you love them any less. One’s inability to faithful is a character flaw, not necessarily a reflection of lack of love.

 

Sometimes though, people cheat because they have fallen out of love but that’s different.

[stillafool]

Well I'm sorry no one here was able to help you and that you found the help you needed elsewhere to bring you closure. A lot of people on this site are BSs and a lot of us aren't. Again, sorry we couldn't help you and I wish you the best.

[Amethyst68]

I'm not invested in your relationship or his wife's. Your previous post was all about how he was in love you and was going back to his wife and settling for her, oh the was a lot of words but that was the gist of it. Now, you're 'nothing in the grand scheme of things'. Can you see the change in tone?

 

You described a level of involvement for 2yrs where he has been absent from his wife's community, not his. You were both quite open in his community.

 

I truly wish you peace and happiness going forward but stop looking at this guy as some guy as injured, tarnished hero. Take the time you need to heal and then when you're ready I believe you'll meet someone who is available for your love.

[CPD1]

Hopelessromantic04,, you have done the best possible thing by exposing the affair,,, by doing so he had to make a choice, you or his wife and obviously he picked his wife. Don’t do like me and waste years on someone that lives a double life but tells you whatever it takes to keep you waiting and hoping for more. My MW has been telling me she’ll leave her marriage for 2 years but it hasn’t happened yet,,, I’ve heard every reason why she couldn’t do it right away but it was coming,, I believed her for way too long and now I’m finally seeing it’s not going to happen and if it does it sure won’t be to be with me.

Take everyone’s advice and run, don’t look back and don’t waste a second more on that guy or you will be in for the worst experience of your life!! It’s very simple if they can’t leave now they never will and although I had read that early on in my affair I chose to believe my MW,,, don’t do like I did and walk away now!!

[Bittersweetie]

I truly wish you peace and happiness going forward but stop looking at this guy as some guy as injured, tarnished hero. Take the time you need to heal and then when you're ready I believe you'll meet someone who is available for your love.

 

I agree with Amethyst here. And FWIW, I was a wayward wife (I was married when I had my affair). I saw my xAP as a hurt man who couldn't make the right choices because of his situation. He just need the right person (namely, me) to help him move forward and be happy. I still thought this after he ghosted me for another AP. I continued to make excuses in my head for him, I thought because I cared so much...I would be the one to hold on, to keep the flame lit for our "special bond."

 

And after many months, we connected again. After both his wife and AP dumped him. Here was my chance! Which ended up with me being ghosted again and ending up with an STD.

 

What I see now, many years later, is my xAP was a really messed up person. But I was, also, a really messed up person. So I focused on healing myself, making changes to myself so that I would never make such a hurtful choice again. I made a choice NOT to focus on xAP and his issues, because he was not my problem. Trying to understand his issues was a waste of mental energy.

 

Your xAP is not your problem anymore. He is out of your life and you have been given a gift to focus on your healing from all the trauma you've experienced. What happened with the messages is not your concern. What happens in their church is not your concern. Turn your focus on where it should be: your healing and finding your peace.

[anika99]

Actually, it makes a lot of sense.

 

His friends/cousins are his true inner circle. They know him. Plus later finding out, his friend/cousins have done similar things which is why I stopped liking them.

 

<SNIP>

 

It still makes no sense. Because once his wife read the message, what would stop her from telling her friends and others in her church? She'd probably drag her husband to talk to the pastor almost immediately because that's what Christians tend to do. A lot of them prefer to be guided by people in their church rather than seek secular counselling. So no, it doesn't make sense to think he was okay for his wife to know but none of her friends, because her friends were going to find out anyways.

 

Unless...he already had an elaborate plan to throw you under the bus. Maybe once he realized you had it in you to contact his wife and one of her friends he thought he better cover his tracks better than just deleting the message. He may have thought you were volatile and just because you gave him the heads up this time maybe you would do it again and not tell him. Too risky to just delete the message and hope you don't contact her again. Better to do some immediate damage control so that the possibility of you talking to his wife and destroying his life wasn't a constant threat just hanging over his head.

 

He may have planned to let her read the message so that he could present some watered down version of the truth. He'd convince her that it was all just a huge mistake and beg for her forgiveness well promising her the moon and the stars and pledging a lifetime of loyalty to her. In that situation he may have been able to maintain some control over her and who she told. But the idea that he was going to let her read the message and then tell her that you are the love of his life and he's leaving her, and that she wouldn't run to her family and friends and tell them about his affair is simply laughable.

 

I think he was romantically in love with you within the context of the affair. You two lived in a little romantic bubble where his wife didn't exist because she was far away. It's like you both were caught up in a romantic fantasy but once he went home he came back to reality. His feelings for you became more of a memory rather than something real and present. I'm sure he believed every word he said to you while he was saying it, because his wife was far away and at the time you were more of a reality than she was. Now he is with her and she is his reality.

Edited October 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hopelessromantic04]

It still makes no sense. Because once his wife read the message, what would stop her from telling her friends and others in her church? She'd probably drag her husband to talk to the pastor almost immediately because that's what Christians tend to do. A lot of them prefer to be guided by people in their church rather than seek secular counselling. So no, it doesn't make sense to think he was okay for his wife to know but none of her friends, because her friends were going to find out anyways.

 

<SNIP>

 

Again, wrong. Stop trying to trivializing the bond and love between the a married person and their affair partner. Your theory about church is wrong. We come from similar cultural backgrounds. NO ONE IN HELL would want their church and community to know their dirty secrets. I know this first hand with a family that dealt with infidelity. Once the church community found out, the gossip and ridicule became intense and stopped going to the church entirely. In our cultural background, they don’t give a sh*t about helping one another. They LOVE gossip and scandal. This guy is considered a good guy in his community. He is very financially stable and generous. People look up to him. He definitely doesn’t want people knowing he lives a double life. His cousins/his “boys” know the true him. So he doesn’t care if they know about me. He even tells his boys to occasionally check up on me so this wasn’t some false reality we built between the two of us. We had our own reality and he has his own reality with his wife.

 

What’s laughable is married spouses trying to minimize the love and care their beloved husband or wife has for their affair partner. When he went back to texas things didn’t change except we obviously had to be more secretive because his wife was always around. That was when I became annoyed that he had a double life. Prior to him going home it didn’t effect me. I knew him and his wife’s speaking schedule. They barely spoke. On some long weekends we spent together, they would talk once in 3 days. So in their reality their bond isn’t sh*t to feel proud of. He has said to me several times that if he could go back, he wouldn’t have married her but now he feels stuck.

 

He specifically told me he won’t leave her because:

1. They are long time family friends. Their families are very close because his mom and her mom were very close friends.

2. They dated for 10 years. It took him a long time to propose. Her family was starting to get annoyed that he wouldn’t propose. (Just to add: he admitted to me when I found out that this isn’t the first time he cheated on her and she knew..this was while they were engaged. He said he would stop once they got married and he did..until he met me. This was confirmed by his brother calling me and yelling at me for not leaving his brother alone. He said, “He was doing so good by being faithful and you made him fall in love with you. Now he is in a full blown affair he can’t get out of” he basically told me to walk away)..his brother is more conservative than his friends and cousin.

3. Divorce is highly looked down on in our culture. We come from the a similar culture. His country of origin is next to mine.

4. His wife really loves him and doesn’t want to hurt her: again, they grew up together and he cares for her deeply.

 

These two are already married under God and by law. Although they don’t have any kids, there are alot of encumbrances with his marriage. I was simply his girlfriend of the past year. It’s easier more logical to end our relationship than to end his marriage. This doesn’t mean he loves his wife more than me. Just because you love a person doesn’t mean it makes sense to be with them. Our situation just doesn’t make sense regardless of how much love we have for eachother.

 

Him suddenly changing his tone saying he won’t marry me is because he feels betrayed by how I exposed our relationship. I’m sure he hates and loves me right now. And that’s how I feel bad him. I hate and love him. I hate him to the point that I don’t want to be with him anymore. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love him.

 

He isn’t going to divorce his wife. Doesn’t mean he romantically loves her. But he won’t divorce her for reasons that I know and others I don’t know. He will cheat again. I know it. Maybe it won’t be a full blown affair next time but he will certainly cheat again. This man will never leave his wife.

Edited October 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, allow me to ask you this:

 

Let's say you manage to convince all of us (and most importantly, yourself) that he loves you.

 

How does that help you moving forward?

[FMW]

I get what you're saying OP. But you clearly state that you know he won't leave his wife. So unless you're willing to continue being his OW, and you say you aren't, then your energy and emotion need to be focused on yourself and how to move forward and be happy.

 

You need to have no more contact with him. You also need to stop focusing on how much he loved you and how bad his marriage is. None of that matters now.

 

It's going to be hard enough without purposely writing about his love for you. Stop defending him, stop defending the love you shared. You're prolonging and deepening your pain.

[SouthernIslander]

<SNIP>

He isn’t going to divorce his wife. Doesn’t mean he romantically loves her. But he won’t divorce her for reasons that I know and others I don’t know. He will cheat again. I know it. Maybe it won’t be a full blown affair next time but he will certainly cheat again. This man will never leave his wife.

 

 

Why is the the possibility of him getting mad his wife found out such a big deal?

Edited October 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Starswillshine]

No one here is invested in your relationship. And no one here is projecting. Unfortunately, we have seen it too many times before. I was on the other side. And what he said and his actions, I believed I was getting truths. I rationalized everything.

 

Truth is. Lies, lies, lies, and more lies. They lie. Their emotions are fake. Everything is fake.

 

Maybe you are the great love of his life. But the fact is, he is doing nothing about it. He is hurting you. This is the action that you should pay attention to.

 

I am sorry you are here. It sucks regardless if you are a BS or an OW.

[pepperbird]

op,

in the end, his "love" is toxic. Best to cut it out of your life and stop making excuses for him.

[Maybelle]

Clinging to he loves me, he loves me is a defense mechanism. Regardless of whether he does or not it sounds as though the relationship is over and now you have to focus on yourself.

[Maybelle]

No one here is invested in your relationship. And no one here is projecting. Unfortunately, we have seen it too many times before. I was on the other side. And what he said and his actions, I believed I was getting truths. I rationalized everything.

 

Truth is. Lies, lies, lies, and more lies. They lie. Their emotions are fake. Everything is fake.

 

Maybe you are the great love of his life. But the fact is, he is doing nothing about it. He is hurting you. This is the action that you should pay attention to.

 

I am sorry you are here. It sucks regardless if you are a BS or an OW.

 

This is truth. Accepting this is key to healing.

[Amethyst68]

The more you share about this man the less likable he becomes. Hopefully his wife did see your post and will take action because quite frankly she deserves more than someone who treats her with thecontemptt you describe.

 

 

As do you, but I think you would still take him back....

[MidnightBlue1980]

"As he said to me, “Why couldnt you be patient and just let my wife see the messages. You had to involve her friend and its humiliating.” Even though I never told her friend details but I guess that was taking it too far. "

 

I wish you could see how warped this statement is. First of all, that is such a terrible way to let your spouse find out they are cheating on you. Then again, it is a typical man move. Many of us found out that way - very passive aggressive.

 

How about, "Why couldn't you be patient and just let me be a man and tell my wife the truth?" What you don't see is that he emotionally manipulating you into into telling his wife, assuming she actually read the texts. What you also don't understand is that these men use the OW to hurt their wives and get the attention they wanted all along - from the wife. And it usually works.

 

And most of us here are fOW, including myself. So we know what we are talking about. Very few of them loved us. If they loved anyone, it was themselves.

[darkmoon]

please, waste no more time on him

 

find the right guy, do not bother with this wrong one

[RebeccaToo]

I was an OW.

 

You asked for relationship advice from other men who have cheated?? Have you never heard of bro-code??

 

Do you ask for legal advice from criminals?

 

So the men who are skilled at lying to women told you that your man probably loved you? Are you kidding me? You need to examine your heart that you sought out advice from the very type of men that your MM is.

 

He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want to be with you.

 

If he did, he would be. Simple as that. Men go after what they want.

 

You have shown him that you are just as untrustworthy as him. You stayed with a married man after you found out (you could have stayed away until he left her even while pregnant). You gave up the biggest secret he had by telling his wife about the affair. He doesn’t respect you. MM have sex with the OW, they marry their wives.

Edited October 29, 2018 by RebeccaToo

[Normm]

Powerful post right there ^^.

[anika99]

Well we could go back and forth for days debating on if he loves you or his wife but the bottom line is that this guy is a serial cheater and a seasoned liar. He's cheated on his wife more than once and he deceived you about his marital status for months. He'd probably still be deceiving you if you hadn't found out on your own. He doesn't cheat on his wife because she's an awful person. He didn't deceive you because you are special. He cheats and lies and deceives because he has serious character flaws. He is not special, he is just your run of the mill playa.

 

Clearly this runs in the family. He felt comfortable introducing you to his cousins because they have done similar to their spouses, girlfriends and other women. They are all cut from the same cloth. There is no point in telling us what your MM said because it's all blah blah blah. He lies so who knows what is true? The fact is that he didn't have a plan to leave his wife and he went pretty low contact with you once he returned home so the writing was on the wall. This was never going to end well for you.

 

If it helps right now to believe that the two of you had the greatest love of the century then go with that. We all heal at different speeds and think what we need to just to survive one day to the next. I know that when I have had my heart broken in the past it took me a really long time to be able to dissect my broken relationship without rose coloured glasses. Romantic love is a powerful thing. It's why we say love is blind. I wish you well in your healing and hope you have a speedy recovery

[stillafool]

He specifically told me he won’t leave her because:

1. They are long time family friends. Their families are very close because his mom and her mom were very close friends. He isn't his wife's friend but her worse enemy. She just doesn't know it yet.

<snip>

3. Divorce is highly looked down on in our culture. We come from the a similar culture. His country of origin is next to mine. Well I'm sure you guys wouldn't do anything that would be looked down on in your culture so apparently you culture approves of affairs.

<snip>

These two are already married under God and by law. Although they don’t have any kids, there are alot of encumbrances with his marriage. I was simply his girlfriend of the past year. It’s easier more logical to end our relationship than to end his marriage. This doesn’t mean he loves his wife more than me. Just because you love a person doesn’t mean it makes sense to be with them. Our situation just doesn’t make sense regardless of how much love we have for eachother.

 

If he doesn't love his wife, never loved his wife then he is worse than I thought. He has basically ruined this woman's life and she has no idea. He didn't have to marry her because his mother was her mother's friend. If he had cared one ounce about her he would have backed away so she could be with a man who could provide her true love, caring, great sex, children and most importantly fidelity. He has used her and she has no idea. I really hope she finds out the truth about you, him and the unborn babies. She deserves to know what type of man she gave her heart and love to and what he is capable of. I hope you and him end up together because you two deserve each other and I'm sure your culture will approve.

Edited October 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing and truncate quote

[sandylee1]

I've never heard so many excuses made for a cheater by someone other than the cheater themselves.

 

I find it so hypocritical that people leading a double life are so worried about the church and community. If it mattered that much he'd not do it.

 

You really can't say that because the majority wouldn't tell all....that she wouldn't.... You don't know how she'd react.

 

Whilst I'm aware upbringing can affect who we become...his brother seems to have better morals. He's just a cheat with excuses and poor boundaries.

 

So he loves you...great....we could all fall on love with someone else if we don't respect our marital status. Cheating is part of him.

 

FWIW I'm not a betrayed spouse.

 

You're young enough to move on and chalk it up to a lesson in life.

[Iris17]

I think he did delete the message but didn't tell you. He just played along with it. He is now bored of you and saw your true colour. Messaging his wife was a mistake, it will only push him away and it has. You have not been smart..but it is not too late . The smartest thing you can do now is try to move on. You may regret things you have done but you won't regret leaving him

[pepperbird]

I've never heard so many excuses made for a cheater by someone other than the cheater themselves.

 

I find it so hypocritical that people leading a double life are so worried about the church and community. If it mattered that much he'd not do it.

 

 

True enough.

He'd rather have it known that he's an adulterer than someone getting a divorce?

 

 

Now I'm no christain, but one of the ten commandments is abut not committing adultery. That's so important that it made the top ten rules. Divorce did not.

 

Sounds to me more like he's lazy.

[overtherainbow1]

<snip>

I dont think this man used me. I think he is a broken man with deep rooted issues (which I know of) he had abandonment issues from his father leaving. Therefore, he doesnt know how to be a good man. Thats why no relationship will ever work for him. If his wife stays, he is going to continue cheating on her no matter how much love he has for her. This issue with the man I dealt with wasnt a matter of love. Whats love got to do with it. Its a matter of respect, self-love, and self-awareness. A man that has those qualities will not do what he did.

 

Did he love me? Deep in my heart and from the perspective of men in similar situations-yes he did in his own way. As men stated, if it were about sex, the relationship would have ended months ago because we werent really having sex after I moved out of New York. The relationship became long distance. Clearly there was an emotional connection there.

 

<snip>

He used you. He didn't know what he wanted with you or his W. So he played you both. That's called having your cake and eating it to.

 

He knows cheating is wrong BBUUUUTTTTTTTT..... ya it doesn't matter. "It's complicated"? Yea, that's relationships for you. Affairs make it 10 times more complicated.

 

Then you go on to say "he doesn't passionately love her". Aha! That justifies acting like a turd, right? Well, as you found out, that cuts both ways.

 

He was OK with her seeing the message b/c he was lazy and selfish like most wayward spouses. He didn't know what he wanted. If someone just decided for him he'd go along with it.

 

You build a house on a solid foundation, not sand.

 

This issue with the man I dealt with wasnt a matter of love. Whats love got to do with it. Its a matter of respect, self-love, and self-awareness.

It wasn't a matter of love you said. Two sentences later you say it's a matter of self-love. Doesn't self-love fall under the scope of love?

 

You're so conflicted. You're overwhelmed by your feelings and you can't think straight. I'm sorry. I know it's not easy.

Edited November 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote