Bad ending to relationship: I told his wife

[Hopelessromantic04]

And he probably did, OP. He is very comfortable with lying and infidelity. And the friends you met appeared to be familiar with this side of him. They weren't shocked to meet their married buddy's girlfriend. That strongly suggests this was not his first affair, and for all you know, you were not the only "side chick" on his roster either. He's walked this walk before.

 

So he claims. You have to understand, this guy lies likes it's his job. You are not in bed with them, and have no clue what sort of contraceptive he uses with her - if he uses any at all. You have already learned that you can't trust what he tells you.

 

I did. Go back and re-read my initial post to your thread.

 

Unfortunately, he knows you are naive and not experienced with men like him. And he exploits that. Your mistake wasn't not walking away after the abortion. You mistake was not walking away after you learned this man is married.

 

With no disrespect, are you trying to further break my already wounded spirit? I think there were other words to use than naive. Your tone seems very abrasive. But thanks for your input.

[Hopelessromantic04]

^^ This doesn't read like the only reason why she made that decision was because of what people thought.

 

 

I know several people who were products of an affair. It had a negative impact well into adulthood on nearly all of them. Though not as common, I have seen the affair have an impact on how a mother parents her kids.

 

 

 

OP's concerns are extremely valid and MM shouldn't have put OP or children in that position by lying about his marital status.

 

 

All due respect, that had to be a difficult decision to make and I don't think its necessary to judge OP for it.

 

Thank you!

[Maybelle]

This man is a narcissist. He will never be in a healthy relationship. He will move through life looking for women to victimize. You are too good for him. Seek to heal your heart and grow past this relationship. A wonderful man is out there just for you. And he will deserve you.

[Hopelessromantic04]

This man is a narcissist. He will never be in a healthy relationship. He will move through life looking for women to victimize. You are too good for him. Seek to heal your heart and grow past this relationship. A wonderful man is out there just for you. And he will deserve you.

 

Bless your heart . I appreciate your kindness. I agree, I cannot go back to him after what transpired even if he cams crawling back. But I guess a part of me is looking for closure.

[CardsFan01]

I wholeheartedly agree. My mistake wasn’t walking away after the abortion.

 

I think your mistake occurred before the abortion. How many months had you been together when you got pregnant? He certainly gets most of the blame here, and sounds like a pretty despicable person, but I don’t think your hands are clean either. Lot of really poor decisions all the way around.

[ExpatInItaly]

With no disrespect, are you trying to further break my already wounded spirit? I think there were other words to use than naive. Your tone seems very abrasive. But thanks for your input.

 

I am going to use the word I see fit, OP. And to me, that word fits the bill here.

 

It is not my intention to be abrasive, but I also feel you are glossing over a lot of your own questionable behaviour and not really taking accountability for your role in this. I agree that this guy is no prize, but you knew that as soon as you discovered he was married. Your participation thereafter was your own choice. As such, you are not entirely a victim, but that's the stance you appear to be taking. I think you will feel better when you realize you had a lot more power here than you realized, in determining your own happiness.

 

Hopefully, you will learn from this experience and run in the opposite direction the next time you learn a man has told you a whopper - married or not. I would spend a while reflecting on why you didn't do so this time around.

[Hopelessromantic04]

I think your mistake occurred before the abortion. How many months had you been together when you got pregnant? He certainly gets most of the blame here, and sounds like a pretty despicable person, but I don’t think your hands are clean either. Lot of really poor decisions all the way around.

 

What do you mean my hands are not clean? I didn’t know he was married until 3 months into our relationship. Which is the same amount of time I got pregnant. Literally found out I was pregnant days AFTER I found out he was married. The point of my post is not to discuss or emphasize my pregnancy, birth control, or timing of the pregnancy. So please do not bring that up. My grandparents met and fell in love in a month, and got pregnant with my mom very early into the relationship and were married for 50 years until my grandmothers death. So everyone has different timing, it’s none of my business to judge.

[CardsFan01]

What do you mean my hands are not clean? I didn’t know he was married until 3 months into our relationship. Which is the same amount of time I got pregnant. Literally found out I was pregnant days AFTER I found out he was married. The point of my post is not to discuss or emphasize my pregnancy, birth control, or timing of the pregnancy. So please do not bring that up. My grandparents met and fell in love in a month, and got pregnant with my mom very early into the relationship and were married for 50 years until my grandmothers death. So everyone has different timing, it’s none of my business to judge.

 

Agree to disagree on the timing of the pregnancy. But I think most would agree getting pregnant 3 months after meeting isn’t ideal, or a recipe for a successful relationship.

 

That aside, staying with him 8 months after you found out he was married is on you. I’m sorry for the situation and I’m not trying to insult you, but your post comes across as if you see yourself as a victim. Which you certainly were in the beginning, but I think you contributed to the mess it turned into.

[ExpatInItaly]

What do you mean my hands are not clean? I didn’t know he was married until 3 months into our relationship. Which is the same amount of time I got pregnant. Literally found out I was pregnant days AFTER I found out he was married.

 

I think because you continued the affair for a couple months thereafter, no?

[Hopelessromantic04]

I am going to use the word I see fit, OP. And to me, that word fits the bill here.

 

It is not my intention to be abrasive, but I also feel you are glossing over a lot of your own questionable behaviour and not really taking accountability for your role in this. I agree that this guy is no prize, but you knew that as soon as you discovered he was married. Your participation thereafter was your own choice. As such, you are not entirely a victim, but that's the stance you appear to be taking. I think you will feel better when you realize you had a lot more power here than you realized, in determining your own happiness.

 

Hopefully, you will learn from this experience and run in the opposite direction the next time you learn a man has told you a whopper - married or not. I would spend a while reflecting on why you didn't do so this time around.

 

Our society tends to force women into having a higher moral ground than men. I am not saying I was 100% the victim. I even said in my OP that I take accountability for the part I played. For next time, I know what if I am ever in a scenario that I’m lied to, I know when to leave. However, for this case I do see myself as a victim because I was emotionally manipulated into falling in love with a man that was not available. For some; it’s not easy to walk out of a bad situation when you are in love. What makes it worse is that I found out I was pregnant a few days after.

 

I was carrying this man’s TWINS in my body. I felt blessed to be pregnant so of course I didn’t want to abort them. It only makes sense that I was emotionally manipulated due to the pregnancy and him blantantly saying he wanted a family and to keep the babies.

 

All these women that claim they would do otherwise, I highly doubt would have done so easily even if they did eventually. Maybe he shouldn’t have been married and looking for extramarital affairs and take advantage of a innocent women minding their own damn business. I never pursued him. He came to me as a single man. He is in the wrong. You can’t leave someone high and dry and expect that person to be strong.

 

I played my part but f**k any married person that doesn’t disclose their marital status and starts a whole relationship as a single person and paints a false future for someone to believe. Thanks for your input.

[Hopelessromantic04]

Agree to disagree on the timing of the pregnancy. But I think most would agree getting pregnant 3 months after meeting isn’t ideal, or a recipe for a successful relationship.

 

That aside, staying with him 8 months after you found out he was married is on you. I’m sorry for the situation and I’m not trying to insult you, but your post comes across as if you see yourself as a victim. Which you certainly were in the beginning, but I think you contributed to the mess it turned into.

 

As I’ve stated before, it was entirely my fault for not leaving after the abortion. I still stand my my victim status because emotions are not easy to control. I had been through a traumatic period and it caused me not to make the best choices. Nobody makes good choices 100% of the time. Dont f**ck with people’s emotions and expect them to be cool with it. I don’t do that to other people so I don’t expect people to do that to me.

[bmh]

He’s made it clear that he isn’t going to leave. He will only be free if his wife decides to leave. So what do YOU want in terms as this relationship?

[Hopelessromantic04]

He’s made it clear that he isn’t going to leave. He will only be free if his wife decides to leave. So what do YOU want in terms as this relationship?

 

Well, at this point- I can’t go back to him. There is too much damage done. My family won’t even accept him because of everything. So I’m okay with it being over but I feel a deep need for closure. Like I need him to understand the magnitude of the position he put me in. He weakened me by allowing me to fall in love with him, carry his babies, and paint a beautiful future for us. He is so selfish he doesn’t seem to understand what he did was wrong and manipulative and has caused me a great deal of pain. I do agree, I am somewhat emotionally weak. I told him this when we first started dating. I had gotten out of a relationship with an alcoholic the year before so I wanted a healthy relationship because I tend to put my all in a relationship. And he SWORE not to break my heart. Because of this, I’m resentful and in need of some kind of apology or closure. But I don’t even know if I will get it. I’m just angry. I wish I had the strength to walk away as soon as I found out. I am angry and my emotional weakness. But I do tell the men I date that, I am someone that is very emotional so don’t play with my emotions. I don’t do that to others.

[bmh]

Sometimes you have to find a way to attain closure without the other person. I think that rings true in this situation. You won’t likely get an apology from him and if so, not a sincere one. It’s going to suck. Plain and simple. The only way to get over it is to go through it. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter what kind of person you are when it comes to how you will be treated. You can only control your actions. Not his. I do hope you find what you are looking for. Read some other threads here about how people in similar situations moved on etc.

[Maybelle]

I so understand the desire for "closure" and the feelings of longing for him to come back, to be the man you thought you fell in love with. It's a bitter pill to swallow. It hurts. It's overwhelming. It's hard. But you can do it. And when you reach the other side you will be so much better for it.

[Amethyst68]

Going back to you being introduced to his family it's important to remember that even in this modern day it is still acceptable in some cultures (for men) as long as they take care of their'main responsibilities' or it could simply be that those cousins also cheat so he could rely on then to keep his secret for him.

 

With regards to your need for closure - I wouldn't bother contacting him again, while I understand you want closure I can see him twisting your actions into those of a 'stalker' OW.

[Bittersweetie]

You are never going to fully understand why this guy did what he did. He did crappy things to his wife and to you. The fact is, for you, it doesn't matter why he did it. You can move forward and learn from the choices you made this time, in order to make better choices in the future.

 

Please--you can spend days, months, years even trying to figure out why someone did what they did, and never get an answer. I spent decades wondering why someone I loved hurt me and once I let it go, weight lifted off of me. I wasted so much mental energy and time on this other person who didn't deserve it.

 

Take care of yourself and work on healing yourself. Good luck.

 

Closure was exactly what I was talking about here. It sucks when one person hurts you so callously and terribly and you never really know why. It sucks when this horrible person never seems to get what they deserve. However closure does not come from the other person...it comes from oneself. It is the only way to move forward. So many people chase the closure from someone else and never get it (including me). Hopefully you can soon start healing.

[stillafool]

What do you mean my hands are not clean? I didn’t know he was married until 3 months into our relationship. Which is the same amount of time I got pregnant. Literally found out I was pregnant days AFTER I found out he was married. The point of my post is not to discuss or emphasize my pregnancy, birth control, or timing of the pregnancy. So please do not bring that up. My grandparents met and fell in love in a month, and got pregnant with my mom very early into the relationship and were married for 50 years until my grandmothers death. So everyone has different timing, it’s none of my business to judge.

 

But, you grandparents married each other and lived that way for 50 years. Totally different situation. With all due respect when you bring your problems to a public forum; expect judgement. People who don't want to be judged keep their problems to themselves.

[stillafool]

He’s made it clear that he isn’t going to leave. He will only be free if his wife decides to leave. So what do YOU want in terms as this relationship?

 

He's made it clear that if his wife leaves he isn't going to be with OP but another woman.

[stillafool]

Truthfully, I don’t know if he deleted the messages or not. If I understand what you’re saying, he could have deleted them and pretended not to. Then maybe he got mad because his wife’s friend tipped his wife that there was a shady Facebook message waiting for her. Maybe when she asked him, she knew he went in and deleted it. That could be a huge possibility as well.

 

You know you may very well be correct. He probably did exactly this as a way to exit the affair but got somewhat caught anyway.

[misspalmy]

Hes just being a baby. You did what was right for you. Im pregnant again by married man. hes very happy to be a dad again. his wife is stuck up and knows he cheats.

[sandylee1]

This guy is adept at cheating. His family and friends are on the same page as him in that regard. The only other explanation is he told them he and his wife have split up.

 

I don't think he wanted the babies. He was usingreversed psychology hoping you'd do the opposite of what he said.

 

He's a coward and would never have the guts to tell his wife. It all hinged on HER divorcing him when she found out. Or he acted blaze so you didn't hold that power over him.

 

He tried to make out he didn't care if she found out....But his actions contradict his words. He didnt communicate much bacon in Texas. He dropped the phone when she walked in...hardly the actions of a man who doesn't care.

 

Just think if you had the babies...He wife didn't divorce him and he and her got joint custody/visitation. Your babies would be going to their house half the time possibly.

 

It all hinged on what his wife decided. When it was exposed...He doesn't want you. He's the kind who was cheating before the marriage too.

 

 

This sums it up. You decided to stay with him, after finding out he was married and BEFORE you knew you were pregnant.

 

Because I was stupid and head over heels for him, I confronted him but I stayed in the relationship.

 

It should have ended when you found out he lied and his family and friends were all part of the deception.

 

If you ended up with him...they'd cover when he cheats on you. Just imagine for a moment how his wife would feel knowing the family in her wedding pics just 2 years ago...who saw them take vows where supporting his adultery.

 

The best thing you did was have a termination given the circumstances.

Edited October 28, 2018 by sandylee1
Typo

[Hopelessromantic04]

This guy is adept at cheating. His family and friends are on the same page as him in that regard. The only other explanation is he told them he and his wife have split up.

 

 

Thanks for you input. I would have to disagree with your theory that he used reverse psychology and didnt want the babies. That is a large reach considering I attempted the abortion twice. The first time I told him when I was on my way to the clinic and he had an complete EMOTIONAL and mental break down. He started a savings account that I had access to, proving that he would always be responsible for the babies. He left work for my prenatal appointments and already bought two car seats (which I donated). THOSE are not actions of a man not wanting his babies.

 

Im fact, Im starting to believe a lot of the advice given on this form are from wives that have been hurt from their husbands and say nasty and scarring this to the OW.

 

Yeah, I know my part I played. I take full responsibility for it. But there are some things that are just facts. I have done a lot of reading yesterday from MEN that were/are in my similar position. I think their feedback has been more helpful and vastly different from what Ive received on here.

 

I dont think this man used me. I think he is a broken man with deep rooted issues (which I know of) he had abandonment issues from his father leaving. Therefore, he doesnt know how to be a good man. Thats why no relationship will ever work for him. If his wife stays, he is going to continue cheating on her no matter how much love he has for her. This issue with the man I dealt with wasnt a matter of love. Whats love got to do with it. Its a matter of respect, self-love, and self-awareness. A man that has those qualities will not do what he did.

 

Did he love me? Deep in my heart and from the perspective of men in similar situations-yes he did in his own way. As men stated, if it were about sex, the relationship would have ended months ago because we werent really having sex after I moved out of New York. The relationship became long distance. Clearly there was an emotional connection there.

 

Was there a possibility he had multiple side-chicks? Of course because I wasnt with him the whole time. But the likelihood of it was very low. Other than when he was at work, we would face time from when he gets off the train and fall asleep on FaceTime. That was our way of feeling like we were near each other. Would a man without feelings INVEST this much time? Plus, unless he was creeping with some girl at work-there was no way he had another side chick: we were always on FaceTime together.

 

Plus we have spoken about his infidelity and he told me that he knows he is wrong for this but he is a complicated individual and thinks his upbringing messed up his inability to be a good man. I told him that if we were to get together officially, I would not fully trust him. I asked if he would be open to therapy. Initially he said no for a few months. But one day he randomly tells me, “If therapy is what would make you trust me, Ill do it.” So we booked an a therapy appointment using HIS insurance.

 

When he needs input now on anything, he calls me FIRST. This woman introduced me to his business partners has his wife.

 

This man loved me. Not everyone has a good way of showing it. People talk about true love this and that but we forget not all of us are on the same level of self-love, self-respect, and self-awareness. This man is selfish and is incapable of loving in an healthy manner. There is no one clear cut definition of love. But there is a healthy way to love: his love is unhealthy to both me and his wife.

 

Its very easy to love two people at the same time. I did at one point in my life when I was still deeply in love with my ex and deeply in love with my current boyfriend at the time. But because I am not someone that cheats on my partner, I made the CHOICE to block my ex and nourish my current relationship at the time. Love is also a choice. Grass is greener where you water it.

 

Just because he cant leave his marriage doesnt mean he is passionately in love with her. Love comes in different forms. There are reasons why people dont leave even if they truly in their heart want to leave. Sometimes, its also about attachment, history, the social effects of divorce, comfort.

 

A man that gave me advice told me that he was in a similar scenario. His wife found out, divorced him, but didnt know how to marry his mistress because it was now public-people hated how they got together. He knew none of his friends and family would accept their relationship. So he married another woman eventually. But says that 25 years later, he deeply loves and misses his mistress. But the relationship was a reminder of a dark period in his life and the nature of their relationship was too much for people to accept. But he says his mistress was the love of his life. And on his wedding day to his new woman, he knew it wouldnt be a fulfilling marriage. But his mistress has also moved on and married and its still hard for him.

 

My conclusion: he was okay with her seeing the messages. But me dragging her friend into it embarrassed him and embarrassed his wife. Now his social reputation is damaged. He feels betrayed and said the ultimate things to hurt me. And true, he will not marry now that Ive tarnished his name. I dont think I would if I were in his situation too. As he said to me, “Why couldnt you be patient and just let my wife see the messages. You had to involve her friend and its humiliating.” Even though I never told her friend details but I guess that was taking it too far. But whatever, its all over now. I cant take it back. Now I know never to get myself involved in this kind of mess again.

Edited October 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[FMW]

Whatever route that will make you stay away from him is fine. Take and leave advice as your see fit. Just don't let it keep you hoping things will change and keep you stuck in place still too hung up on him to move forward. Many women (and probably some men too) waste years of their lives that way.

 

So just be honest with yourself.

[Amethyst68]

So if his love for you is so strong he's ok with introducing you to his business associates and family members how come it's suddenly humiliating for a friend of his wife to know?

 

 

Oh I realise the method of delivery's wasn'tt the best but let's face it that was going to be the last of his problems if he was going to be honest and tell her, but let's be honest that wasn't going to happen either.